Can't you see I'm a fool, in so many ways?
Dating life is really underwhelming it’s not even funny. Is it okay to say that? Can I say it’s underwhelming? I am not saying it to disrespect anyone I have met or will meet....I don’t know, clearly I am not one to follow the rules but sometimes you have to be careful with the things that you say....Somehow my Grindr profile got taken down for “hate speech” supposedly being in my profile...I literally can’t think of anything my profile said that could be hateful except for what I wasn’t interested in which I said politely. I mentioned I wasn’t interested in trans (male to female) or “T” (meth) heads...I guess saying those two things was considered “hate speech”? Who knows?....
I have met lots of guys this year. More than I can keep track of. More than I even realized...Some were great, some were nice, some were horrible. But despite some of the amazing qualities some of them had, I ghosted almost every single one of them. As I mentioned earlier only one guy ghosted me. But I ghosted basically every single one of them.
A lot of the times it was because the second I saw a red flag I ran for the hills. The other issue was it’s hard for me to trust anyone romantically and let them all the way in. But it got to a point where I was paying close attention to the connection. And for some reason a lot of them would feel a connection that I was not feeling, and they would try and jump into a relationship. And that scared me off easily.
It is my understanding that in the gay world, a lot of guys either just fuck around a lot or they try and jump into relationships right away. There is no in-between...Things tend to move very fast, and it’s over before you know it. My feeling is that a lot of gay men are lonely. And I am not saying that is a bad thing or that I don’t know what it feels like and that I don’t get lonely too. I totally get it. And a lot of men are just assholes, the lonely ones are tired of being lead on or not being able to succeed at obtaining a relationship.
When I was younger I was really overweight. Nobody was interested in me. And then at 18 years old I had the gastric bypass surgery and lost lots of weight. I was thin and good looking. But I still was extremely insecure. I battled body dysmorphia severely (which I’ve spoken about before). At the same time I felt very desperate for a relationship and felt like I was never good enough or worthy enough for someone to ever look at me in that way.
When a guy that I liked would give me the time of day I was annoying. I was clingy. I wanted a lot of attention. And if I didn’t get it I automatically worried that something wasn’t right. That something was wrong with me. I’d get panicky about it. And I would think that they didn’t really like me. I would end up trying way too hard. It was such a battle and I had to really learn to change that. Of course it didn’t help that I typically did go for guys who would make anyone else worry too, but that’s a whole other story...
I felt this internal loneliness that just was killing me. Literally as Britney once sang in the most iconic songs of all time. But when I would meet a guy, I’d get so hooked so easily and start fantasizing about a whole future together. I was so disgustingly desperate. But I think it was to fill a void since most of my friends were in relationships since high school and got to experience all those things that I didn’t. Also because of how insecure I was.
The one thing my ex taught me was that I could not be this way with him. And oh boy was I at first. I will admit, despite the red flags and things he put me through, I was annoying and pushy as fuck. We actually did spend a lot of time together but I was always so nervous about something not being right so if I didn’t hear from him enough I would freak out. It made me crazy. And he definitely wasn’t having it. And my stubborn ass kept trying to argue and he would just shut me down and not even want to discuss it.
This used to really piss me off. And trust me, there were enough things to be worried and upset about...But I am thankful he did this to me. I needed to really work on myself. I felt in many ways I was relying on him to find my happiness and I couldn’t find it on my own. I learned that you have to be patient and take things slow and really get to know a person. Feel the vibe, make a connection. Become best friends first. And then you can worry about relationships or the future.
And the best part of being in a relationship for so long is that it has taught me how I should behave moving forward before jumping into the next one...Compared to before when I was 18-20 years old learning on my own when I first went out there...I never have high expectations at first and I like to really take it slow and I don’t need to communicate every second of every day. I don’t need a lot of attention. I need space and love my alone time. I don’t want to FaceTime every day, I don’t want to FaceTime most days. Or talk on the phone. Yes sometimes of course, but minimally as I’m trying to get to know you. I feel like things just have to come naturally and slowly before you should jump into constant communication. And my god I feel so proud of myself for saying that, I wish I knew this ten years ago....
But I have noticed not many gay guys who are my age or younger have had a long lasting relationship, at least not for as long as I have. And I know it’s rare for gay couples to last very long in the community. 7 gay years is like 75 in straight years. So a lot of the guys I’m experiencing remind me of myself when I was younger and single. Very lonely, very desperate, and trying to rush into things....
There is a part of course where I am to blame. And here is why...I am far from awkward when I meet someone. I don’t get social anxiety at all. I do things alone a lot of the time and I make friends everywhere. There could be a room filled with 100 people I don’t know and I do not get anxious about it. I also have no filter, I can talk a stranger’s ear off about myself and my life, my frustrations, my complaints, and don’t really care what people think about me. I complain a lot, and am usually dead serious when I complain about stupid shit but people find it comedic. It attracts them to me. Which is silly to me because I always assume I come off annoying when I do this. I just know I am always confident enough around people. I have a social personality, although I’m very antisocial sometimes too. That’s the libra in me.
This all sounds like good qualities to have. But with the good of course always comes the bad. I have accidentally lead many people on. Even friendships. It’s usually people who normally aren’t as out there as I am who sometimes get social anxiety. Since I am so open and friendly they think it means we are super close or that I am invested in them.
When this occurs, I end up feeling a lot of pressure. I feel like the person is nice and I don’t want to be mean and turn them down so I continue to be friendly. I even force myself into situations and things I don’t care about or want to do because I end up feeling like I don’t want to let the person down. But with this personality I have, you become the asshole when you have to let the person down.
I am a kind person so when a person likes me, as a friend, or more, and I see the excitement they feel, I don’t have it in me to let them down. And then I try and make it work despite all the pressure I am feeling. Be the best friend, try dating, etc. And in the process I then realize I can’t force it, or I can’t commit to things, and when I have to let them down a lot of times I become the asshole. And part of me realizes it too because I let the pressure get to me and am not realizing the part where I totally lead the person on, be it romantically or emotionally.
The beauty about friendships at least is that they are different from relationships. However, I have dealt with some clingy psychopaths over the years. I was about to write detailed stories with examples of what I am talking about. But I am sure this blog will fall into at least one of their hands, so I don’t want to go there and embarrass or hurt anyone...
But I get it. Because leading someone on isn’t nice. And it did take me years to learn that. Even though I don’t do it intentionally. But now I am totally different and slowly changing. I am honest from the get. When I meet someone I am still an open book and have no filter, but I also tell them about all of this. And if they’re still interested and could go with my flow great, if they can’t oh well.
Going back to the dating world...A lot of men are lonely and desperate as I mentioned earlier. And even if I do warn them, they don’t seem to understand. I eventually let them know the truth. That I am sorry but I am not feeling them and that I am finished. And then I ghost them. It might sound cruel but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do if I was honest from the get about taking things slow and not wanting to rush.
But I made a mistake...“I’m not that innocent”....There was a boy I met back in June 2019. June I was still a mess and totally not really ready to date but wanted to still go out there and have fun and meet guys just to take it slow and see where it could go. I met this one guy on plenty of fish who was nice, although something seemed off a little bit.
He was cute but he wasn’t well put together. I just felt more established and independent than him and I felt like we had next to nothing in common. But he was really attracted to me. And kept pushing a relationship or talking about one. Even though we hadn’t even met in person yet. I told him from the start exactly how I was and it didn’t stop him.
He would ask to FaceTime almost every night when I had to wakeup for work at 5am and he got off work at 10pm. He would text me 100 times a day. I was a little creeped out to be honest. Especially since I made everything clear. But the issue was at first I did find him cute, and despite being honest, my open book personality I am sure is what lead him on. It didn’t help that we discussed going to pride together the first time we were set to meet and he was super excited about it. But he assumed he was going to stay at my house and I felt like I only knew him for like two weeks and he was just saying and doing too much....
I felt so much pressure. I suffer from anxiety badly and pressure triggers it. He also seemed to not be over his ex, which is fine because I was not over mine either. But it also was something I would not put up with because I had already gone through things like that before and I promised myself I would never go through that again. That was a major red flag for me.
I had to explain to him I was done and I explained why and blocked him. But that did not stop him. He changed his number and texted me a long message. I had to block that number. He messaged me on the dating app we met on and I had to block him there. A few months later he made a new profile and swiped “right” on me and I got a notification, even though in his rant he told me to “never bother hitting” him “up again”. He then tried to follow me on Instagram. I was thinking “what the fuck is wrong with this person?!”
Months went by and I completely forgot about him. In the process I met and fell for “roses” guy. The guy I spoke about a few posts ago. And I was vulnerable and sad about that situation. In December this dude back from June, made another profile on the dating website we met on, and sent me a long message. He came back ugh.
I was so lost and upset about the roses guy, that I forgot about most things. I was thinking irrationally. And normally I would’ve deleted the message without even reading it but something made me want to open it.
His message seemed very heart felt. He owned up to how he acted. For being pushy and wanting to FaceTime all the time etc. He owned up to not respecting my wishes and all that I had explained to him about myself. But oops! I made a mistake with my response...
I told him it wasn’t his fault and that it was my fault and I was sorry. I felt like it was cruel ghosting him like that. And I felt bad. I still kept it real with him though and told him I had been through too much and that’s why I ghosted him and that I was not ready to date. I came to learn though that this was his manipulative game. I gave him the answer he wanted to hear, he wasn’t actually sorry. He wanted to know the blame was not on him so he tried really hard to lure me back in.
He told me we could have a whole future together, he said all these things again. And I just kept it real with him yet again in response. And was nothing but honest and he then said he’s changed and he’s gonna respect that.
It took me a while but I thought about it, maybe because I was feeling very jolly in December and Christmas was coming up. I felt like it was nice he wanted to try and get to know each other again and perhaps maybe he would change and it would be better and different this time. So, I decided to unblock his number and chat with him again.
Me being the open book that I am, I explained every single thing I went through this year. I gave him every detail. But in hopes he would understand why I ghosted him in the first place and why I don’t rush into things. I felt bad I didn’t get personal and explain it before, but i did let him know I couldn’t promise anything and I wasn’t sure what would happen between us....However he got comfortable for the simple fact that I let him back in....And I was repeating the same pattern of trying to force it even though I wasn’t feeling it, yet again...
He tried to be pushy again with the FaceTiming but I wasn’t having it or giving in. I told him “on weekends only”, and “when I have time for it”. He was very nervous about saying the wrong things to me and about the possibility of me ghosting him again. I kept telling him to relax and to go with the flow. He tried not to say the wrong things, which made me feel nothing but more pressure to be honest, but he just could not help himself...He was trying to not put pressure on me but kept bringing it up, so he therefore was putting pressure on me.
I got a new iPhone and during the process some of his iMessages didn’t go through and he showed concern that I blocked him again. That made me feel pressure. Then, one time he saw me appear on POF and other dating apps and he made sure to bring it up to me, even though we weren’t together. And I told him this: “You saw me on those dating apps because you were on them too right?” And he was like “yeah” and I said “we are taking this slow and going with the flow as we discussed many times, right?” And he tried to play it off and laughed at what I was saying. Tried to claim he was just messing around with me....I should’ve ended it there but nope! The guilt of doing it again to him was eating me alive so I kept forcing myself to try.
He also would text me several times even if I didn’t respond. One morning I had told him the night before I was out with friends and he says “oh but you couldn’t text me back and say you were okay” where he then claimed he was just joking...Right....
He still was pushy with the FaceTiming. And I was remembering more and more the reason why I ghosted him in the first place. I was not feeling the connection and he still was being pushy. Talking about going to Pride in June 2020 since we didn’t go last year, but then saying things like “I know, I know, we aren’t jumping the gun here. We’re moving slow”...But still made me feel this immense amount of pressure.
He also felt like I was worried that he didn’t like me enough or that I was concerned with things like him having a hard time to take off from work to see me. He kept trying to reassure me. These were two things I honestly absolutely did not care about. I am not sure why he felt the need to worry about this but I think he wanted me to have those feelings. I had to be honest about that as well.
On top of everything, I also felt like he did not have real goals or future. He didn’t seem to care to discuss things like that, just only cared about a possible relationship...
The last time I FaceTimed with him I asked him “where do you see yourself five years from now?” He said “married, owning a house, maybe have kids”. I don’t want to sound cruel but his current job and living situation realistically would not get him there within 5 years, especially if he doesn’t have goals to make changes. And I asked him if he had goals to someday get there, and he basically didn’t, or have anything realistic in mind....I constantly kept it real with him and reminded him of my stance on things. I even told him to not chase people who aren’t interested in him. I tried to enlighten him and teach him to respect himself and not deal with fuck boys who don’t know what they want...I told him to focus on himself and his goals and bettering himself before anything else, but it just wasn’t registering and he still tried too much....
I knew I was done. Again...I just felt really bad because he really really liked me. And I remember when I was the desperate lonely person and my ex or whoever would throw it in my face how much I liked them when I first met them when we’d sometimes argue, because of how crazy I would get. But this was beyond desperate, it was a bit creepy. And I was mad at myself for forgetting this about him. This was some “you” shit....Maybe I’m just being dramatic. I think he just was nice and overly needy, but I would lie if I said writing this story out doesn’t make me a little creeped out....Despite that it’s my fault because I gave him a second chance and totally lead him on. Ugh!
So I had to do it again...I had to ghost him. I couldn’t lead him on anymore and I messed up for ever giving him another chance in the first place. But I kept it as real as it could get when I ended it.
I told him I was sorry to do it again to him but wasn’t feeling him. I told him the truth. That he was moving too fast and needed to learn to be single. I told him being single is a good thing because it gives you time to focus on nothing but yourself. I let him know that he should have better goals for himself. And I left it at asking him to please not change his number and hit me up again and to please ignore me if he sees me on any other dating app moving forward. I told him he “has to do this” and I warned I would take legal action if he didn’t respect my wishes since he’s taken it way too far the past six months.
I felt really bad but I could not go into 2020 making the same mistakes. And my advice to you guys if you are lonely and sad and feel like you will be alone forever just because you’re single....You will not be alone forever. Believe me you won’t. I am not sure if everlasting love exists. I also am battling with the possibility of it not existing. I also get lonely, I also am heartbroken a lot of the time. But people need to learn to make themselves their main priority, not a relationship.
Love yourself above anyone else. The only person who you can rely on is you. And if you keep searching and searching and try and force something to happen that lacks chemistry, then you are just desperate. It is not worth it. As Madonna sang on Madame X “I don’t search I find” and when she stopped searching, she finally found enough love....
As for me, moving forward I am cutting someone off the second they do too much and don’t respect my wishes. I can’t constantly become the bad guy in stories when I do what’s right for me. Because sometimes the guilt eats me up alive. I’m just going to continue being honest and do it my way, and when this reoccurs I will not let the guilt get to me anymore and drag it out.
More importantly I am working on this issue where I feel the need to be a people pleaser. My goal this year in finding healing and growth is to learn to say “no” more often. I will not allow myself to force myself into things or try and make things work just because I am worried about other people’s feelings over mine. More importantly I am going to remind myself that I can’t even play victim in these situations because I am leading people on. The last guy was a bit crazy but this point I could only blame myself. I really am “not that innocent”....But I am learning.
Song to go with post:
Oops!...I Did It Again Live from Dream Within A Dream Tour: