Selena Gomez...I was never a huge fan of hers but I have always felt she was talented. Her new song "Lose you to love me" is a masterpiece in my opinion, and suddenly I find myself becoming a stan.
I’ve had a very rough year. I was in a relationship for seven years and it ended in October of 2018. I did not handle it very well. In fact I am in shock that I am still alive today. I would drown my sorrows in alcohol and sad music. I felt like a part of my soul was snatched out of my body and there was no way of getting it back. I felt like a part of me had died. It was bad enough that I had to lose the person who mattered most to me but I also did not have any type of support system (at the time). Life long friends turned their backs on me when I needed them the most, and I literally only had myself to pick myself up and get myself out of it.
It was a journey. A journey I am now thankful for because it forced me to grow up. It forced me to learn to care about myself. It forced me to learn to only rely on myself for things and that I can handle anything on my own.
Months into the breakup I took a trip to Las Vegas by myself and saw Lady GaGa in concert. I wondered to the Grand Canyon and went hiking on the beautiful mountains there. I stood on the edge of a cliff and felt the world in my arms. I gave Mother Nature a huge hug and thanked her for having my back. Thanks to GaGa and the mountains I was able to learn a lot about myself. Throughout her show, GaGa had messages of self love, and finding strength when we are let down, I felt like she was speaking to my soul and it brought me to tears. With this trip, I was able to forgive myself for being the person that I am.
I took so much time blaming myself for the breakup, blaming myself for the fact that I did not have a support system. I blamed myself to the point where I attempted to take my own life in many ways, and lead myself to a path of self destruction. I felt like I did not deserve to be on this earth and that I was not worthy. But the mountains, the solo trip. It was self discovery. I was finally finding myself and things were falling into place and making sense.
I was always someone who was a giver. I was always overly kind, the life of the party, the best host, the best friend. I have gone above and beyond for people for as long as I can remember. But one thing I realized was I did so much for people because I did not know how to do anything for myself. I always put everyone before me. I always put my feelings to the side and made sure everyone else was happy. If anyone was going through something I dropped everything and made sure I did everything in my power to support that person and make sure they were okay. I’ve never gotten this in return. Most times it didn’t bother me, or I didn’t even realize it. It wasn’t till I finally was going through the worst time of my life that I realized that the people I had done the most for throughout my life, were not going to be there for me the one and only time I really needed it.
Unfortunately my kindness was only doing more damage than good. I learned that most people in this world are selfish and only out for themselves. And that is not necessarily a bad thing. I did have to teach myself to be selfish, to learn to say no to things I don’t want to do, to not always be a super hero for people without feeling guilty about it. If I ever had to say “no” to someone the guilt would eat me up alive, and I’d just force myself into situations and be secretly miserable the entire time. The issue isn’t about people being selfish, because being selfish is okay. But the issue is, when you are giver as much as I once was, people will take advantage of you. People who you love, people who you thought were gonna be in your life forever. They will mistake your kindness for weakness and take advantage of it.
I was with my ex for seven years. I saw red flags from the start. I ignored them. Maybe because I was only twenty years old and did not know better. Maybe because I was looking for an escape from the traumatic household I was living in. But mostly because I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. I also suffered from severe body dysmorphia and it made me so insecure to the point where I felt like I couldn’t do better and would settle for men who had abusive tendencies or didn’t really give me the time of day, and mostly used me for sex or for my kindness. I let it get the best of me throughout my life.
My ex is an amazing person. I have to admit that. I do not think he is evil or petty or has done things on purpose. But he did take advantage of my kindness and my insecurities. To try and show him I loved him I spoiled him. Took him on trips, took him to concerts, paid for everything. I put up with a lot of stuff I’ll keep private because I don’t want to tarnish his reputation too much because I still care about him. But I literally let things slide that anyone else would have walked away from immediately. I chased him when he didn’t give me the time of day. I practically begged him to let me in, to love me and to care about me. Unfortunately after years of trying and fighting mental abuse, I kind of just gave up and let things slide and let him do whatever he wanted. I even had my own faults due to being unhappy and I started to show less affection and kept to myself, and when that occurred I became the bad guy. He did not like this. I just no longer knew how to give my all. However I still was holding on to him for dear life because I could not picture my life without him. Losing him was my worst nightmare.
The relationship was very toxic but eventually he made the decision to end things. And he knew this was a decision I was never going to make. And he knew that I still loved him. What was his plan? To live together till our lease was up which would’ve been 2 years after we broke up. I still was holding on so I did not push him out of the apartment. We lived together for 6 months and that was the hardest 6 months of my life. He moved on right away. He was hardly home but we still cuddled and slept in the bed together. And on many occasions when he was sad about the breakup he’d ask me for hugs. He’d do all this giving me false hope but then was doing whatever he wanted on the side. It was as if the seven years went down the drain. And every part of me was dying inside as each day would go by and I’d watch him be comfortable with our living situation and having the time of his life being single, also with people who were supposed to be my life long friends I must add. Which made everything worse. They all knew how it made me feel but it didn’t matter to them. Despite all that I had done for them over the years....Showing me not an ounce of support while I was going through this.
This lead me to the darkest depression of my life. But finally when I went to Vegas and the Grand Canyon I had an epiphany. He had to go, he could no longer live with me, and I needed to be on my own to be able to move on in the ways that he was able to do overnight. And I did not need anyone who was not going to be supportive to me during the darkest time of my life. I was finally ready to let him and everyone else that was toxic in my life go. And I did.
Once I came back I told him he could no longer live with me. It took two months after that for him to leave but once he finally left I still would cry most nights and it took me a while to heal. It’s been over a year and I still am damaged and still am healing. But the one thing I am grateful for, is learning how to love myself. How to care about myself. And this is why I brought up Selena Gomez in the beginning of this post. It was literally a year later from my breakup that she released this song. And it truly spoke to my soul. It’s literally everything I went through. And the painful truth of having to lose the person I loved the most to love myself. Every single lyric in that song is literally everything I went through. From ignoring the signs, wearing rose colored glasses, and having to lose this person to find myself.
Sometimes I felt like I wasted seven years of my life. Most of the time I wasn’t happy. I was miserable and suffered from mental health issues partly because of it. Most of the time I wanted to die. But then I realized I did not waste any time. I needed to go through this to learn and be a better person for myself.
For once I want to live and feel alive and that’s why now I am grateful for all that I went through. I am grateful for the friends that I lost along the way and the strength that I found. I am grateful that now, moving forward, I have enough self respect when I meet a guy to not ignore red flags. To not chase him and beg him to care about me, to not beg him to like me, or to love me. I will not allow myself to go through any of that ever again. And if I stay single and alone forever, that is fine with me. Because it’s not a bad thing. I can have the time of my life with just myself and the few friends that I have and be content with it.
I must quote the queen Madonna “Power is being told you’re not loved and not being destroyed by it”. And that is the gods honest truth. Remember that when you are going through a depression because of how someone (or people) treated you. Always know you can get yourself through anything and when you realize that, you will be happier than ever, and stronger than ever. We certainly do sometimes need to lose people to love and find ourselves and when we finally do, we finally feel what happiness truly feels like.
Selena Gomez: Lose You to Love Me