I sometimes have to ask myself that why at almost 30 I still go for the wrong men? After seven years of being in a relationship with the wrong guy you would think by now that I would have learned and would be doing better for myself. But nope...
Let’s get into it. So far I have discussed my past relationship and dating culture for gay men (at least my experience). Now let’s dive into why we choose the men that we choose.
As Britney once sang “There’s only two types of people in the world, the ones that entertain, and the ones that observe”. Well there are also people who have confidence and people who don’t. Obviously those of us who don’t have confidence go for these men that are absolute pieces of shit because we feel we can’t do better. Right? It’s truly sad....
I have been single for over a year. It was a weird process putting myself out there again. Part of me felt like I would never date again and that I would just wallow in misery and be alone forever. But the other part of me told myself I’m still too young (and decent looking enough) that I can’t waste my life away and not try to see whose out there and maybe the possibility of finding my Prince Charming who will show me what real love feels like for the first time ever...Well here’s where I fucked up...Prince charming doesn’t exist. It seems anyone who acts like Prince Charming is only doing it to feed off their ego and get something that they want till they are finished. Okay, I’m not trying to sound too negative, I am sure Prince Charming exists he is just not what we envision.
Putting myself out there again, most of the guys I have met over the year just were not my cup of tea. Maybe I wasn’t quite over my ex yet or ready to try again. I just constantly felt dissatisfied and would lose interest fast.
It basically took a year till finally I found someone who peaked my interest. He was exactly my type looks wise, but age wise he was 5 years younger than me, and that is something I wouldn’t typically go for. Beautiful face. Hung penis, beautiful ass. A man of color....However with his good looks he had this charm that would take me so out of reality it almost felt magical and irrational at the same time.
I’ve been in a very dark place this year considering everything I’ve been through. And it will take a lot for me to be able to trust someone again. But I also have been extremely vulnerable and that is something I realized a lot of us need to work on before getting into the dating game. We need to be less vulnerable because with vulnerability comes lack of thinking clearly. When you’re a vulnerable person you can be very gullible as well. It had me head over heals. This person lived 3 hours away from me and I took the plunge and went to visit him. Something I’d never do in a million years. I felt crazy but felt like I had to meet him because of how sweet he seemed besides being beautiful.
But I made the mistake everyone makes. We were talking for two months but I did see nudes of him and we FaceTimed a lot and eventually we were being sexual on FaceTime, jerking off while doing it. Something I never ever did before. And then when I went of course we hooked up when typically if I like someone I like to wait. And this is why it didn’t work out....Because obviously if you like someone and rush into sex you will get hurt. And usually if I like a guy I always wait. I waited a while with my ex. We’d have sleep overs and everything before we had sex. We would just make out for hours and go to sleep. But since this guy lived so far away and I wasn’t sure when we’d see each other again, I couldn’t resist. Although I was nervous as fuck. Just like a school girl....I felt stupid because I should have known...
If someone lures you in with sweet talk and gives you roses, and has you fantasizing about your future together, it will make you catch feelings right away and take you all the way in without thinking realistically. Especially since when I got there he surprised me with roses and had my favorite love song playing “La Vie En Rose” when we met, and it took me by surprise because no one ever did that for me before....I was so excited. Too excited...Now I unfortunately cannot bare to hear that song because it has been ruined for me.
But As Madonna has one sang “long stem roses are the way to your heart but he needs to start with your head”....Point taken because when I received roses for the very first time, all rationale went out the window, and I thought this guy was perfect...Silly me...Again....
This is something that has always been my problem. The story is always the same. I meet a cute guy, we have great conversation and a great connection. I am a bit standoffish and timid when it comes to sex. He starts being overly sexual with me when we are talking, I get shy, so he tries to sweet talk my ears, tell me all the things I want to hear, makes me think it’s safe, and when I give in, all the romantic shit goes out the window. And I become the one whose trying, doing all the work, and chasing. This is exactly what happened with my ex even though we did end up together, I pushed hard to get him to give me the time of day and bring me into his life. It basically was seven years of chasing and me trying....He did try in his own way but no matter what he couldn’t give his all to me or let me all the way in. And of course who becomes the crazy one? The person who tries the most...
Out of all the guys I met this year, some had great potential, who did I fall for? Not the ones who gave me the time of day and continued to show interest. I fell for the one who went above and beyond to lure me in...The one who I opened up to about so much, who then slowly but surely pushed me away and made it obvious he no longer was interested without saying it....Yet would still hit me up if I didn’t hit him up, and told me he didn’t want me to think he didn’t like me. He kept me hanging on by a thread. This is the type of guy who wanted me to chase him while I found myself waiting for him to make a move he was never going to make.
I found myself losing sleep hoping he’d have some magical explanation as to why things changed and talk to me in the ways he did before. I found myself hoping he’d apologize and have the best reason. Waiting for a FaceTime call since he lives so far away. But instead he was showing me minimal conversation and had made it clear that he wanted to be chased. It’s sick because up until when we met he said everything he needed to say to convince me he was safe, that I should give him a chance, and that I deserved the world. Would send me love songs every day. I felt our time together even went well considering he made an Instagram post of pix of us together after I left claiming I was his “bae” and “Italian Stallion”. I’m not quite sure what happened where he no longer became interested but he did admit to me he had mental issues and does this all the time and doesn’t know why but that he still liked me....The typical guy I’ve always gone for ::sigh:: I had to really take time and tell myself I deserved better. I should not be chasing a child who has a lot to learn, who lives far away at that, and I just cannot try and teach someone how to love...Could not do that to myself again.
So what happened when I experienced this in the past? Instead of just ghosting and blocking the guys and moving on, I made myself wonder what the fuck was it I was hoping to gain out of these situations? Why could I not let go and why would I keep waiting and continue to try the most and hold on? It’s pathetic.
I can at least say what has changed compared to the past is that I am no longer going to try and wait around. Unfortunately with “roses” guy, I waited far too long but luckily it could’ve been longer than it was and I did not do the most nor did I try, I had enough strength to learn from my past and stop myself. For that I am grateful....
It got to a point where we’d skip a day or more of talking, I kind of left the ball in his court for when we would talk, and I refused to beg or chase. This was something I used to do a lot when I was younger and with my ex and it is not healthy. It made me insecure. But the one mistake I saw myself making with “roses” guy was waiting. Waiting is the worst. Waiting makes you crazy, waiting causes anxiety, and it only makes you think the worst possible things about yourself. It makes you feel like you are not enough. I felt incredibly stupid as I saw myself making excuses for him and repeating the same bull shit I went through years ago....
On Madonna’s new album “Madame X” she has a song called “Crazy”. It is my favorite song on the album because it basically describes the types of relationships I have had and go for.
“I spent all night waiting up. It’s gon be the last night I wait up for you. Spent a long time wakin up. Used to think that I was not enough for you. Now I see that I’m just way too much. You got your hands full, I misunderstood. Now I see that I’m who I can trust, and you gotta lot of wrong you’re tryna make good. But if you think I’ve been foolish and you only fool me once I guess it’s shame on you. Said now if you think I’ve been foolish and you keep trying to do it, baby Ima switch up plans on you. Cause you driving me crazy. You must think I’m crazy”.
And she goes into basically how the guy must think she’s crazy because of how she’s acting even though he lured her in and it was all just a game he was trying to make her play, while she was falling for him and praising him like he was god. But then she ends up being the crazy one even though he brought her in just to push her out. The song is an anthem for people like me who go through this and need to learn to let go.
So why do we do this? I believe it’s not so much because we fell for the person and feel stuck. I think it’s because a lot of us are battling insecurities. I personally suffer from severe body dysmorphia. This is something I’m not totally comfortable admitting, especially to guys when I meet them. However I do open up about being insecure and how I feel he might not be attracted to me once he sees me in person. I try not too harp on it too much though because I know when it comes to dating it is important to not show too much vulnerability and to show more confidence. Unfortunately the more vulnerability you show, the more likely you will be taken advantage of.
This last guy reassured me he’d be even more attracted to me after meeting me in person. Either he lied just to manipulate me, or he ended up not being attracted to me as he thought. Maybe attraction wasn’t the issue for him, but for me it’s what I harp on. Because people who suffer from body dysmorphia are literally obsessed with how they look and always think they aren’t good enough. So I can’t help it. And I think for me, the waiting and holding on occurs because I am looking for validation. I want to know he still finds me attractive and thinks I’m “the most gorgeous man in the world” as he used to tell me. I want to know I am good enough. And even though he’s showing me in his own way I am not good enough, I had trouble facing that and just cutting him off, because I was holding on to hope that he maybe is just going through something which is why he was being distant and showing loss of interest. I was starting to come up with a million excuses for him that he hadn’t even brought up to me, just to keep holding on and to keep waiting for something to happen. It’s sick because it’s exactly what I did with my ex when I went through everything I did with him. But the second I realized I was repeating that pattern, I realized more and more, it was time to let go.
I found strength....After seeing Cher in concert and hearing her powerful songs about finding strength and moving on... I also decided to use Madonna’s song to move forward. I could not let him drive me crazy. I would not let him drive me crazy. And I would not sit around and wait any longer. More importantly I would not allow myself to make the same mistake I made for seven years. So I decided to cut him off.
I will say that for some reason it was easier to cut off anyone but this person was the hardest. This is why I have taken and dealt with a lot of abuse in my life. We need to learn that good looks aren’t always everything and neither is a good personality. You have to really take it slow and feel someone out because if you rush, most times someone will catch feelings and someone will get hurt. I can’t say this enough....
So what’s my goal? Keep learning to focus on myself. Be content with being alone. Not let this bring me down. I had a rough year and this is exactly what I didn’t need to occur, because it has completely set me back emotionally when I was doing much better. But at the same time, I did need it to happen. It’s a wakeup call. I need to finally learn and stop making the same mistakes and making the same bad choices. I need to learn to love myself above everything else. I am almost 30 years old and threw a lot of my life away trying to make a relationship work, trying to make friendships work, trying to be there for everyone but myself and it all bit me in the ass. Life is too short to throw your life away on people who will not appreciate you or treat you the way you deserve to be treated....Don’t go for second best kids! Put your love to the test! Make him express how he feels and baby then you’ll know your love is real :)
I’m not sure if this is just a bunch of rambling to those of you who are reading this crap. But if anyone, even just one person relates to any of the stories I share, it would make me happy. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in the world going through these things and that a lot of it is it in my head and I am just “crazy”. But I know there must be others who are going through or have gone through the same. Just know you are not alone, and even if we don’t know each other, we are in this together. Don’t let anyone drive you crazy. Even if they think you’re crazy! Stay true to your truth and have some self respect for yourselves! ;)
Songs that inspired this post are:
Crazy by Madonna:
Express Yourself by Madonna: