I need to start off by saying RIP to Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gigi. He was an iconic legend and you didn’t have to be a basketball fan to be a fan of Kobe’s. He was loved by almost all the pop kings and queens and played a role in pop culture. I’ll never forget what an ally he was to the LGBT community and to women. God rest his and his daughter’s souls and watch over his wife and family while they try to heal.....I had a rough time with this.
Exactly a year ago today I took a soul saving journey to Vegas to see GaGa and visit the Grand Canyon and I have brought this trip up many times and posted pictures of it many times as well. But it truly was the start to this very long journey I have been on and I will forever be grateful for that trip. I can’t wait to relive it hopefully sooner than later....I did go to New Orleans with friends earlier this month and I did have moments where it felt soul saving as well. I took time to myself at one point to reflect and I let the full moon inspire me while I was there. A lot of this post came from all I was thinking about while taking that short amount of time to myself. Listening to live music and jazz bands on Frenchman st. and just feeling the vibes of a different beautiful place.
It’s also been exactly a month since I released this blog. I have been overwhelmed with all the positive feedback I have received. A lot of people have messaged me privately sharing their stories with me and telling me how they were able to relate to certain things I have shared so far. I honestly am very grateful. I can’t express how scared and nervous I was to do this.
I have to make one thing clear. This was not easy. Not at all. I was worried people would think I was crazy or hysterical. I was worried people would question how or why I would put my business out there. I was worried those I have spoken about would see all of this and try and seek revenge of some kind...There were people who did show concern, there were people who did see this as a cry for help.
While I appreciate the concern, it’s exactly part of what I feared and did not want to happen from this. What I wanted was to release everything I’ve been holding in all this time in hopes I would start to heal. What I wanted was to finally validate my feelings and myself. What I wanted was to find strength in sharing my stories. What I wanted was to forgive myself for all the things I blamed myself for. What I wanted was to rise up above it all. And you know what? I finally am getting there and I can’t express how amazing it feels.
The issue is my entire life I have been made to feel like I was crazy for the feelings I would have. Most people in my life, whether family, friends, or past relationships, tried so hard to silence me. I have been laughed at, I have been made fun of. I never could validate my feelings. It got to a point where when others would do me wrong, I blamed myself. I literally had to question my own sanity for as long as I can remember. But after everything I’ve been through I have to ask myself....
Did I say something true? Did I have a point of view? Did I say something wrong? Or did I stay too long? And I’m not sorry, it’s human nature....That’s right. I find so much freedom in expressing my feelings instead of repressing them and I no longer give a fuck what people think....I find so much freedom in being able to validate myself and no longer question my own sanity. This is something I never ever felt or experienced before.
Majority of the feedback I’ve received on this blog has been amazing and I am thankful for it. I felt so alone all of last year, I felt so lost, I felt like my life was over (cue Demi Lovato’s very relatable new song “anyone”). I know now there are others who have felt the same way in many ways, be it last year, or at some point in their life, and it’s nice to touch those people and have an outlet for them to come to when they aren’t so comfortable to express themselves in the way that I do. Whether they’ve been through something similar or different. Like I said before, this is NOT easy.
I had to really put my fears to the side. Honestly if anyone wants to seek revenge in anyway for me speaking my truth, by all means, go ahead. I no longer care about that. And if enough damage hasn’t been done in terms of these people needing to get revenge against me, well so be it. I’ve said this before and I will say it again, I have suffered enough repercussions. Things have occurred nonstop consistently from the end of 2018 to the end of 2019. I am fucking tired. I was hoping maybe my words would make my stance clear, perhaps give certain people an open heart to why I felt the way that I did. But if people are even more angry, well...”It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch, but sometimes you know I gotta call it like is”....It’s human nature.
On Madonna’s latest album “Madame X” she has a song titled “I Rise”. It was made to be an anthem for the LGBT community, anyone who faces oppression, and for many other important issues such as gun control (“god control” is another amazing song when it comes to gun control). This song was first released in June 2019. In June I was a lost mess. I was still trying to adjust to living on my own, accepting the fate of my last relationship, and coming to terms with the fact that I had to start over with my life all by myself.
During this time I was an alcoholic. A sad, depressed alcoholic. I would lock myself in my room and blast sad music. I would only leave my room to make another drink, so I can come back and wallow in self pity. The thing about drinking is that it helped me temporarily. Sometimes I was happy, I would have fun all by myself. I would dance and sing. It always would start out as a pleasant experience. Then it would turn dark. It’s like I would go from happy to sad within a few hours. Next thing you know I’m screaming, crying, and having panic attacks. I would drink and cry until I would pass out.
The amount I was drinking was deadly. I would actually hate when the weekends would come because that’s when I didn’t know what to do with myself since I didn’t have anyone (again cue Demi’s new song) and it’s when I would drink the most. I would start day drinking, and go through this cycle till I would pass out and take a long nap. I would usually eat something before falling asleep. And then I would wakeup feeling like shit and continue the cycle again. It was so disgustingly unhealthy but I literally did not have a support system and so many horrible things happened, one after the other.
I was happy my friend Amanda came to visit New York with her dad in June. We had a great time. But the rest of June was just a complete nightmare for me. I just felt done with everything. Summer was coming and I felt like I had just lost everything and didn’t have any plans to have fun as I normally would have. I also felt like I could hardly afford food to eat let alone all the bills I had to take on by myself. I was so lost.
The things I had to see on social media from past friends and my ex, all their posts together, they were hanging out more and more. At first it was just a running thing and it turned into more than that. It was hangouts and going to events together on the weekends. Constant photos taken together posted. Videos in their Instagram stories of them at events together. They all knew at that point how I felt about all of it and it was like a big “fuck you” to me. And the sick part about it was I was mostly angry with my friends, not so much at my ex.
Because I still missed him and wanted to be with him and that was the worst part about it. Throughout our relationship I would be more angry at everyone else he was friends with that was causing issues in our relationship than I was at him. Because I loved him so much, and I still was continuing this sick cycle even after we broke up and after he moved out. I had to learn to face the truth, as I also had to learn to come to terms with my own faults.
Also in June I had a falling out with the only close friend I felt like I had. The person was angry for selfish reasons and I already spoke about all of this a few posts ago. But while being depressed about my ex and other friends, this person made sure to make me feel lower than I already felt if it was possible. I could not believe the only person I was basically relying on emotionally would do that to me.
If I could erase the month of June (minus the part when Amanda came) honestly I would. It’s when everything hit me the hardest.
Madonna’s song “I rise” came when I needed it the most. The lyrics are so uplifting and so encouraging. They spoke to my soul. I believe it’s what motivated me to get my shit together and continue on my path to my journey I needed to be on that started when I was in Vegas.
In the song she sings “Freedom’s what you choose to do with what’s been done to you. No one can hurt now unless you want them to. No one can hurt you now unless you allow them to”.
That spoke to me. It was time to stop allowing these things to get to me. It was tome to stop obsessing over it. It was time to stop blaming myself. It was time to stop letting these people bring me down. It was time to stop hurting. It was time to stop crying. It was time to stop drinking myself half to death. It was time to rise up above it all and move on. “Died a thousand times, managed to survive. I won’t breakdown now, I can’t take that”...
I would be lying if I said I am completely healed. I would be lying if i said I am no longer angry. I would be lying if I said I am completely over my ex, that I don’t still love him, don’t still dream about him constantly, don’t still care about him, or worry about him. I would be lying if I said I forgive all that has happened. I am still not there yet. I am not sure when I will be. But I know slowly but surely I am getting there. I know I have improved even if there’s still a lot of room for a shit ton of more improvement. I do feel ridiculous sometimes because people have been through much worse. In fact I have been through much worse.
I had a very rough childhood. I didn’t come from a home that was like the movies or tv shows. I was surrounded by pure misery, bitterness, and anger for as long as I can remember. Every Holliday or event there was a big blow out or a fight. There was not enough love but constant fighting and arguing. Everything felt like a ticking time bomb was about to go off. I had to carry this with me every single day. I suffered from severe anxiety which is something that has scarred me for life.
I didn’t do well in school and was told by several people that it was because I had a learning disability. I had issues focusing in class, I had issues studying for exams, I had issues being able to get my work done with the constant pressure and anxiety that was weighing me down. Who knows? Maybe I really did have a learning disability. But I do know a lot of fucked up shit was going on at home that nobody knew about but myself.
Whenever I expressed concern about it at home I was shut down, told I was interpreting things wrong, and that I was crazy. This was a pattern I had to deal with throughout my entire life because I would choose people to be in my life who treated me in this exact same way. It’s part of why I am struggling with moving on from everything else that happened, because it’s all been nonstop and never ending for as long as I can remember.
I had a rough life. I’ve dealt with sexual assault, I’ve been robbed and almost killed and then was humiliated and made fun of about it. I experimented with drugs and partied way too hard at one point when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I would go out seven nights a week, I was underaged with a fake ID. Partying was all I cared about because it was my escape from a mentally draining and exhausting household. I had friends who used and abused me. Stole money from me, took advantage of my kindness, and only cared about themselves.
People twisted stories around to make me look bad so many times I can’t keep track anymore, people I have gone above and beyond for, and did the most for...I never expected any of this to happen when it did the last time that it did with that particular group of friends, but history repeated itself yet again, it just hurt more this time. I do have to blame myself for continuously putting myself in bad situations and allowing bad people into my life. But lesson learned and here I am now, even if nobody cares.
I through my life away in my twenties instead of doing what was right for me. I’ve sunk myself into an incredible amount of debt. It honestly feels like my life has been falling apart since the day I came onto this earth. It’s amazing that I managed to survive.
So yes, maybe I am overreacting about little things I’ve been through such as a breakup or loss of friendships due to the breakup, etc. Maybe I handled things wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t still feel so hurt or upset. But man, something has got to give. I’ve been through too much in life and I am almost thirty years old. I am just tired. It’s part of why I was ready to give up last year when my ex broke up with me and when everything went down with my friends. I was tired of my life constantly falling apart. I sunk so low....
It’s weird though because anyone else might have completely lost themselves but I am learning to “rise up above it all”. I think I had to hit rock bottom to finally know what happiness feels like. I am still a mess. I still suffer from a deal of hopelessness and heartache. But for the first time ever I think I know what happiness feels like. Even if it could be better than this. Even if this still needs improvement. For the first time ever I’ve found resilience. I know that I will rise. As Madonna sings as she closes her Madame X show with “I rise”, she walks down the aisles chanting “I will rise” over and over as she walks out.
I think having to face the truth about everyone in my life and really facing it and feeling it is what has helped me. So yes, I might still be upset, I might still be angry, I might still be bitter at times. But I have improved with those feelings because I don’t think about the situation as much as I used to. It doesn’t control my life. And I was forced to accept things that were out of my control for what they were and found some kind of strength. It takes baby steps to heal, I still have a long way to go but I have come very far.
Without music I wouldn’t have survived. Madonna has saved my life many times. When I went through that rough childhood I would listen to her ray of light album over and over again. The songs touched my soul and calmed my nerves. My anxiety would be at ease. That album was so powerful for me and I am not sure I would’ve survived without it. And she still has this affect on me today. Her current album has so many songs that have touched me and saved me. And one thing she’s taught me is to not be afraid to express myself, and that I should never repress myself.
I also used to write in journals whenever I would go through something and I would write for hours. Writing has always helped me. In fact I promised myself in high school that one day I would write a book. A memoir about my life. I told myself I just needed to get older and go through more things. I think I’m at that point now.
This is why I have this blog out. I am not afraid to speak my truth. It has helped me heal. And this is my journey. It’s a journey of love, and finding love within yourself. Not finding love from someone else. Not needing your feelings validated from someone else. But doing it all for yourself. I’m learning to do that and it’s also part of why I’m finally feeling some kind of happiness for the first time ever. I am thankful to have this outlet where I can let this all out. And I truly hope people understand that and know that that is truly what this is all about. That is the actual purpose of this. Of course also because I love pop culture and pop music and want an outlet to speak about that as well.
When I saw Madonna back in October she said she does what she does not to be loved, but to feel free. And that’s the point of me making this blog. I am not here to be loved, I am here to be free. And that is what this has done for me. Maybe one million people will read it, maybe ten people will, maybe nobody will. It does not matter to me. Just pouring it all out and sharing my stories and my thoughts has been beyond beneficial to me mentally. It’s helped so much with my healing and has worked better than any kind of therapy ever has that I have tried over the years. I feel like I am there or getting there more and more, but yes, I will rise. I. Will. Rise. I have to because it’s human nature.
Songs to go with post:
I Rise Madonna:
Human Nature Live Madonna Ft. Britney Spears:
Unapologetic Bitch Madonna:
Anyone Demi Lovato: