I need to start off by saying RIP to Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gigi. He was an iconic legend and you didn’t have to be a basketball fan to be a fan of Kobe’s. He was loved by almost all the pop kings and queens and played a role in pop culture. I’ll never forget what an ally he was to the LGBT community and to women. God rest his and his daughter’s souls and watch over his wife and family while they try to heal.....I had a rough time with this.
Exactly a year ago today I took a soul saving journey to Vegas to see GaGa and visit the Grand Canyon and I have brought this trip up many times and posted pictures of it many times as well. But it truly was the start to this very long journey I have been on and I will forever be grateful for that trip. I can’t wait to relive it hopefully sooner than later....I did go to New Orleans with friends earlier this month and I did have moments where it felt soul saving as well. I took time to myself at one point to reflect and I let the full moon inspire me while I was there. A lot of this post came from all I was thinking about while taking that short amount of time to myself. Listening to live music and jazz bands on Frenchman st. and just feeling the vibes of a different beautiful place.
It’s also been exactly a month since I released this blog. I have been overwhelmed with all the positive feedback I have received. A lot of people have messaged me privately sharing their stories with me and telling me how they were able to relate to certain things I have shared so far. I honestly am very grateful. I can’t express how scared and nervous I was to do this.
I have to make one thing clear. This was not easy. Not at all. I was worried people would think I was crazy or hysterical. I was worried people would question how or why I would put my business out there. I was worried those I have spoken about would see all of this and try and seek revenge of some kind...There were people who did show concern, there were people who did see this as a cry for help.
While I appreciate the concern, it’s exactly part of what I feared and did not want to happen from this. What I wanted was to release everything I’ve been holding in all this time in hopes I would start to heal. What I wanted was to finally validate my feelings and myself. What I wanted was to find strength in sharing my stories. What I wanted was to forgive myself for all the things I blamed myself for. What I wanted was to rise up above it all. And you know what? I finally am getting there and I can’t express how amazing it feels.
The issue is my entire life I have been made to feel like I was crazy for the feelings I would have. Most people in my life, whether family, friends, or past relationships, tried so hard to silence me. I have been laughed at, I have been made fun of. I never could validate my feelings. It got to a point where when others would do me wrong, I blamed myself. I literally had to question my own sanity for as long as I can remember. But after everything I’ve been through I have to ask myself....
Did I say something true? Did I have a point of view? Did I say something wrong? Or did I stay too long? And I’m not sorry, it’s human nature....That’s right. I find so much freedom in expressing my feelings instead of repressing them and I no longer give a fuck what people think....I find so much freedom in being able to validate myself and no longer question my own sanity. This is something I never ever felt or experienced before.
Majority of the feedback I’ve received on this blog has been amazing and I am thankful for it. I felt so alone all of last year, I felt so lost, I felt like my life was over (cue Demi Lovato’s very relatable new song “anyone”). I know now there are others who have felt the same way in many ways, be it last year, or at some point in their life, and it’s nice to touch those people and have an outlet for them to come to when they aren’t so comfortable to express themselves in the way that I do. Whether they’ve been through something similar or different. Like I said before, this is NOT easy.
I had to really put my fears to the side. Honestly if anyone wants to seek revenge in anyway for me speaking my truth, by all means, go ahead. I no longer care about that. And if enough damage hasn’t been done in terms of these people needing to get revenge against me, well so be it. I’ve said this before and I will say it again, I have suffered enough repercussions. Things have occurred nonstop consistently from the end of 2018 to the end of 2019. I am fucking tired. I was hoping maybe my words would make my stance clear, perhaps give certain people an open heart to why I felt the way that I did. But if people are even more angry, well...”It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch, but sometimes you know I gotta call it like is”....It’s human nature.
On Madonna’s latest album “Madame X” she has a song titled “I Rise”. It was made to be an anthem for the LGBT community, anyone who faces oppression, and for many other important issues such as gun control (“god control” is another amazing song when it comes to gun control). This song was first released in June 2019. In June I was a lost mess. I was still trying to adjust to living on my own, accepting the fate of my last relationship, and coming to terms with the fact that I had to start over with my life all by myself.
During this time I was an alcoholic. A sad, depressed alcoholic. I would lock myself in my room and blast sad music. I would only leave my room to make another drink, so I can come back and wallow in self pity. The thing about drinking is that it helped me temporarily. Sometimes I was happy, I would have fun all by myself. I would dance and sing. It always would start out as a pleasant experience. Then it would turn dark. It’s like I would go from happy to sad within a few hours. Next thing you know I’m screaming, crying, and having panic attacks. I would drink and cry until I would pass out.
The amount I was drinking was deadly. I would actually hate when the weekends would come because that’s when I didn’t know what to do with myself since I didn’t have anyone (again cue Demi’s new song) and it’s when I would drink the most. I would start day drinking, and go through this cycle till I would pass out and take a long nap. I would usually eat something before falling asleep. And then I would wakeup feeling like shit and continue the cycle again. It was so disgustingly unhealthy but I literally did not have a support system and so many horrible things happened, one after the other.
I was happy my friend Amanda came to visit New York with her dad in June. We had a great time. But the rest of June was just a complete nightmare for me. I just felt done with everything. Summer was coming and I felt like I had just lost everything and didn’t have any plans to have fun as I normally would have. I also felt like I could hardly afford food to eat let alone all the bills I had to take on by myself. I was so lost.
The things I had to see on social media from past friends and my ex, all their posts together, they were hanging out more and more. At first it was just a running thing and it turned into more than that. It was hangouts and going to events together on the weekends. Constant photos taken together posted. Videos in their Instagram stories of them at events together. They all knew at that point how I felt about all of it and it was like a big “fuck you” to me. And the sick part about it was I was mostly angry with my friends, not so much at my ex.
Because I still missed him and wanted to be with him and that was the worst part about it. Throughout our relationship I would be more angry at everyone else he was friends with that was causing issues in our relationship than I was at him. Because I loved him so much, and I still was continuing this sick cycle even after we broke up and after he moved out. I had to learn to face the truth, as I also had to learn to come to terms with my own faults.
Also in June I had a falling out with the only close friend I felt like I had. The person was angry for selfish reasons and I already spoke about all of this a few posts ago. But while being depressed about my ex and other friends, this person made sure to make me feel lower than I already felt if it was possible. I could not believe the only person I was basically relying on emotionally would do that to me.
If I could erase the month of June (minus the part when Amanda came) honestly I would. It’s when everything hit me the hardest.
Madonna’s song “I rise” came when I needed it the most. The lyrics are so uplifting and so encouraging. They spoke to my soul. I believe it’s what motivated me to get my shit together and continue on my path to my journey I needed to be on that started when I was in Vegas.
In the song she sings “Freedom’s what you choose to do with what’s been done to you. No one can hurt now unless you want them to. No one can hurt you now unless you allow them to”.
That spoke to me. It was time to stop allowing these things to get to me. It was tome to stop obsessing over it. It was time to stop blaming myself. It was time to stop letting these people bring me down. It was time to stop hurting. It was time to stop crying. It was time to stop drinking myself half to death. It was time to rise up above it all and move on. “Died a thousand times, managed to survive. I won’t breakdown now, I can’t take that”...
I would be lying if I said I am completely healed. I would be lying if i said I am no longer angry. I would be lying if I said I am completely over my ex, that I don’t still love him, don’t still dream about him constantly, don’t still care about him, or worry about him. I would be lying if I said I forgive all that has happened. I am still not there yet. I am not sure when I will be. But I know slowly but surely I am getting there. I know I have improved even if there’s still a lot of room for a shit ton of more improvement. I do feel ridiculous sometimes because people have been through much worse. In fact I have been through much worse.
I had a very rough childhood. I didn’t come from a home that was like the movies or tv shows. I was surrounded by pure misery, bitterness, and anger for as long as I can remember. Every Holliday or event there was a big blow out or a fight. There was not enough love but constant fighting and arguing. Everything felt like a ticking time bomb was about to go off. I had to carry this with me every single day. I suffered from severe anxiety which is something that has scarred me for life.
I didn’t do well in school and was told by several people that it was because I had a learning disability. I had issues focusing in class, I had issues studying for exams, I had issues being able to get my work done with the constant pressure and anxiety that was weighing me down. Who knows? Maybe I really did have a learning disability. But I do know a lot of fucked up shit was going on at home that nobody knew about but myself.
Whenever I expressed concern about it at home I was shut down, told I was interpreting things wrong, and that I was crazy. This was a pattern I had to deal with throughout my entire life because I would choose people to be in my life who treated me in this exact same way. It’s part of why I am struggling with moving on from everything else that happened, because it’s all been nonstop and never ending for as long as I can remember.
I had a rough life. I’ve dealt with sexual assault, I’ve been robbed and almost killed and then was humiliated and made fun of about it. I experimented with drugs and partied way too hard at one point when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I would go out seven nights a week, I was underaged with a fake ID. Partying was all I cared about because it was my escape from a mentally draining and exhausting household. I had friends who used and abused me. Stole money from me, took advantage of my kindness, and only cared about themselves.
People twisted stories around to make me look bad so many times I can’t keep track anymore, people I have gone above and beyond for, and did the most for...I never expected any of this to happen when it did the last time that it did with that particular group of friends, but history repeated itself yet again, it just hurt more this time. I do have to blame myself for continuously putting myself in bad situations and allowing bad people into my life. But lesson learned and here I am now, even if nobody cares.
I through my life away in my twenties instead of doing what was right for me. I’ve sunk myself into an incredible amount of debt. It honestly feels like my life has been falling apart since the day I came onto this earth. It’s amazing that I managed to survive.
So yes, maybe I am overreacting about little things I’ve been through such as a breakup or loss of friendships due to the breakup, etc. Maybe I handled things wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t still feel so hurt or upset. But man, something has got to give. I’ve been through too much in life and I am almost thirty years old. I am just tired. It’s part of why I was ready to give up last year when my ex broke up with me and when everything went down with my friends. I was tired of my life constantly falling apart. I sunk so low....
It’s weird though because anyone else might have completely lost themselves but I am learning to “rise up above it all”. I think I had to hit rock bottom to finally know what happiness feels like. I am still a mess. I still suffer from a deal of hopelessness and heartache. But for the first time ever I think I know what happiness feels like. Even if it could be better than this. Even if this still needs improvement. For the first time ever I’ve found resilience. I know that I will rise. As Madonna sings as she closes her Madame X show with “I rise”, she walks down the aisles chanting “I will rise” over and over as she walks out.
I think having to face the truth about everyone in my life and really facing it and feeling it is what has helped me. So yes, I might still be upset, I might still be angry, I might still be bitter at times. But I have improved with those feelings because I don’t think about the situation as much as I used to. It doesn’t control my life. And I was forced to accept things that were out of my control for what they were and found some kind of strength. It takes baby steps to heal, I still have a long way to go but I have come very far.
Without music I wouldn’t have survived. Madonna has saved my life many times. When I went through that rough childhood I would listen to her ray of light album over and over again. The songs touched my soul and calmed my nerves. My anxiety would be at ease. That album was so powerful for me and I am not sure I would’ve survived without it. And she still has this affect on me today. Her current album has so many songs that have touched me and saved me. And one thing she’s taught me is to not be afraid to express myself, and that I should never repress myself.
I also used to write in journals whenever I would go through something and I would write for hours. Writing has always helped me. In fact I promised myself in high school that one day I would write a book. A memoir about my life. I told myself I just needed to get older and go through more things. I think I’m at that point now.
This is why I have this blog out. I am not afraid to speak my truth. It has helped me heal. And this is my journey. It’s a journey of love, and finding love within yourself. Not finding love from someone else. Not needing your feelings validated from someone else. But doing it all for yourself. I’m learning to do that and it’s also part of why I’m finally feeling some kind of happiness for the first time ever. I am thankful to have this outlet where I can let this all out. And I truly hope people understand that and know that that is truly what this is all about. That is the actual purpose of this. Of course also because I love pop culture and pop music and want an outlet to speak about that as well.
When I saw Madonna back in October she said she does what she does not to be loved, but to feel free. And that’s the point of me making this blog. I am not here to be loved, I am here to be free. And that is what this has done for me. Maybe one million people will read it, maybe ten people will, maybe nobody will. It does not matter to me. Just pouring it all out and sharing my stories and my thoughts has been beyond beneficial to me mentally. It’s helped so much with my healing and has worked better than any kind of therapy ever has that I have tried over the years. I feel like I am there or getting there more and more, but yes, I will rise. I. Will. Rise. I have to because it’s human nature.
Songs to go with post:
I Rise Madonna:
Human Nature Live Madonna Ft. Britney Spears:
Unapologetic Bitch Madonna:
Anyone Demi Lovato:
Can't you see I'm a fool, in so many ways?
Dating life is really underwhelming it’s not even funny. Is it okay to say that? Can I say it’s underwhelming? I am not saying it to disrespect anyone I have met or will meet....I don’t know, clearly I am not one to follow the rules but sometimes you have to be careful with the things that you say....Somehow my Grindr profile got taken down for “hate speech” supposedly being in my profile...I literally can’t think of anything my profile said that could be hateful except for what I wasn’t interested in which I said politely. I mentioned I wasn’t interested in trans (male to female) or “T” (meth) heads...I guess saying those two things was considered “hate speech”? Who knows?....
I have met lots of guys this year. More than I can keep track of. More than I even realized...Some were great, some were nice, some were horrible. But despite some of the amazing qualities some of them had, I ghosted almost every single one of them. As I mentioned earlier only one guy ghosted me. But I ghosted basically every single one of them.
A lot of the times it was because the second I saw a red flag I ran for the hills. The other issue was it’s hard for me to trust anyone romantically and let them all the way in. But it got to a point where I was paying close attention to the connection. And for some reason a lot of them would feel a connection that I was not feeling, and they would try and jump into a relationship. And that scared me off easily.
It is my understanding that in the gay world, a lot of guys either just fuck around a lot or they try and jump into relationships right away. There is no in-between...Things tend to move very fast, and it’s over before you know it. My feeling is that a lot of gay men are lonely. And I am not saying that is a bad thing or that I don’t know what it feels like and that I don’t get lonely too. I totally get it. And a lot of men are just assholes, the lonely ones are tired of being lead on or not being able to succeed at obtaining a relationship.
When I was younger I was really overweight. Nobody was interested in me. And then at 18 years old I had the gastric bypass surgery and lost lots of weight. I was thin and good looking. But I still was extremely insecure. I battled body dysmorphia severely (which I’ve spoken about before). At the same time I felt very desperate for a relationship and felt like I was never good enough or worthy enough for someone to ever look at me in that way.
When a guy that I liked would give me the time of day I was annoying. I was clingy. I wanted a lot of attention. And if I didn’t get it I automatically worried that something wasn’t right. That something was wrong with me. I’d get panicky about it. And I would think that they didn’t really like me. I would end up trying way too hard. It was such a battle and I had to really learn to change that. Of course it didn’t help that I typically did go for guys who would make anyone else worry too, but that’s a whole other story...
I felt this internal loneliness that just was killing me. Literally as Britney once sang in the most iconic songs of all time. But when I would meet a guy, I’d get so hooked so easily and start fantasizing about a whole future together. I was so disgustingly desperate. But I think it was to fill a void since most of my friends were in relationships since high school and got to experience all those things that I didn’t. Also because of how insecure I was.
The one thing my ex taught me was that I could not be this way with him. And oh boy was I at first. I will admit, despite the red flags and things he put me through, I was annoying and pushy as fuck. We actually did spend a lot of time together but I was always so nervous about something not being right so if I didn’t hear from him enough I would freak out. It made me crazy. And he definitely wasn’t having it. And my stubborn ass kept trying to argue and he would just shut me down and not even want to discuss it.
This used to really piss me off. And trust me, there were enough things to be worried and upset about...But I am thankful he did this to me. I needed to really work on myself. I felt in many ways I was relying on him to find my happiness and I couldn’t find it on my own. I learned that you have to be patient and take things slow and really get to know a person. Feel the vibe, make a connection. Become best friends first. And then you can worry about relationships or the future.
And the best part of being in a relationship for so long is that it has taught me how I should behave moving forward before jumping into the next one...Compared to before when I was 18-20 years old learning on my own when I first went out there...I never have high expectations at first and I like to really take it slow and I don’t need to communicate every second of every day. I don’t need a lot of attention. I need space and love my alone time. I don’t want to FaceTime every day, I don’t want to FaceTime most days. Or talk on the phone. Yes sometimes of course, but minimally as I’m trying to get to know you. I feel like things just have to come naturally and slowly before you should jump into constant communication. And my god I feel so proud of myself for saying that, I wish I knew this ten years ago....
But I have noticed not many gay guys who are my age or younger have had a long lasting relationship, at least not for as long as I have. And I know it’s rare for gay couples to last very long in the community. 7 gay years is like 75 in straight years. So a lot of the guys I’m experiencing remind me of myself when I was younger and single. Very lonely, very desperate, and trying to rush into things....
There is a part of course where I am to blame. And here is why...I am far from awkward when I meet someone. I don’t get social anxiety at all. I do things alone a lot of the time and I make friends everywhere. There could be a room filled with 100 people I don’t know and I do not get anxious about it. I also have no filter, I can talk a stranger’s ear off about myself and my life, my frustrations, my complaints, and don’t really care what people think about me. I complain a lot, and am usually dead serious when I complain about stupid shit but people find it comedic. It attracts them to me. Which is silly to me because I always assume I come off annoying when I do this. I just know I am always confident enough around people. I have a social personality, although I’m very antisocial sometimes too. That’s the libra in me.
This all sounds like good qualities to have. But with the good of course always comes the bad. I have accidentally lead many people on. Even friendships. It’s usually people who normally aren’t as out there as I am who sometimes get social anxiety. Since I am so open and friendly they think it means we are super close or that I am invested in them.
When this occurs, I end up feeling a lot of pressure. I feel like the person is nice and I don’t want to be mean and turn them down so I continue to be friendly. I even force myself into situations and things I don’t care about or want to do because I end up feeling like I don’t want to let the person down. But with this personality I have, you become the asshole when you have to let the person down.
I am a kind person so when a person likes me, as a friend, or more, and I see the excitement they feel, I don’t have it in me to let them down. And then I try and make it work despite all the pressure I am feeling. Be the best friend, try dating, etc. And in the process I then realize I can’t force it, or I can’t commit to things, and when I have to let them down a lot of times I become the asshole. And part of me realizes it too because I let the pressure get to me and am not realizing the part where I totally lead the person on, be it romantically or emotionally.
The beauty about friendships at least is that they are different from relationships. However, I have dealt with some clingy psychopaths over the years. I was about to write detailed stories with examples of what I am talking about. But I am sure this blog will fall into at least one of their hands, so I don’t want to go there and embarrass or hurt anyone...
But I get it. Because leading someone on isn’t nice. And it did take me years to learn that. Even though I don’t do it intentionally. But now I am totally different and slowly changing. I am honest from the get. When I meet someone I am still an open book and have no filter, but I also tell them about all of this. And if they’re still interested and could go with my flow great, if they can’t oh well.
Going back to the dating world...A lot of men are lonely and desperate as I mentioned earlier. And even if I do warn them, they don’t seem to understand. I eventually let them know the truth. That I am sorry but I am not feeling them and that I am finished. And then I ghost them. It might sound cruel but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do if I was honest from the get about taking things slow and not wanting to rush.
But I made a mistake...“I’m not that innocent”....There was a boy I met back in June 2019. June I was still a mess and totally not really ready to date but wanted to still go out there and have fun and meet guys just to take it slow and see where it could go. I met this one guy on plenty of fish who was nice, although something seemed off a little bit.
He was cute but he wasn’t well put together. I just felt more established and independent than him and I felt like we had next to nothing in common. But he was really attracted to me. And kept pushing a relationship or talking about one. Even though we hadn’t even met in person yet. I told him from the start exactly how I was and it didn’t stop him.
He would ask to FaceTime almost every night when I had to wakeup for work at 5am and he got off work at 10pm. He would text me 100 times a day. I was a little creeped out to be honest. Especially since I made everything clear. But the issue was at first I did find him cute, and despite being honest, my open book personality I am sure is what lead him on. It didn’t help that we discussed going to pride together the first time we were set to meet and he was super excited about it. But he assumed he was going to stay at my house and I felt like I only knew him for like two weeks and he was just saying and doing too much....
I felt so much pressure. I suffer from anxiety badly and pressure triggers it. He also seemed to not be over his ex, which is fine because I was not over mine either. But it also was something I would not put up with because I had already gone through things like that before and I promised myself I would never go through that again. That was a major red flag for me.
I had to explain to him I was done and I explained why and blocked him. But that did not stop him. He changed his number and texted me a long message. I had to block that number. He messaged me on the dating app we met on and I had to block him there. A few months later he made a new profile and swiped “right” on me and I got a notification, even though in his rant he told me to “never bother hitting” him “up again”. He then tried to follow me on Instagram. I was thinking “what the fuck is wrong with this person?!”
Months went by and I completely forgot about him. In the process I met and fell for “roses” guy. The guy I spoke about a few posts ago. And I was vulnerable and sad about that situation. In December this dude back from June, made another profile on the dating website we met on, and sent me a long message. He came back ugh.
I was so lost and upset about the roses guy, that I forgot about most things. I was thinking irrationally. And normally I would’ve deleted the message without even reading it but something made me want to open it.
His message seemed very heart felt. He owned up to how he acted. For being pushy and wanting to FaceTime all the time etc. He owned up to not respecting my wishes and all that I had explained to him about myself. But oops! I made a mistake with my response...
I told him it wasn’t his fault and that it was my fault and I was sorry. I felt like it was cruel ghosting him like that. And I felt bad. I still kept it real with him though and told him I had been through too much and that’s why I ghosted him and that I was not ready to date. I came to learn though that this was his manipulative game. I gave him the answer he wanted to hear, he wasn’t actually sorry. He wanted to know the blame was not on him so he tried really hard to lure me back in.
He told me we could have a whole future together, he said all these things again. And I just kept it real with him yet again in response. And was nothing but honest and he then said he’s changed and he’s gonna respect that.
It took me a while but I thought about it, maybe because I was feeling very jolly in December and Christmas was coming up. I felt like it was nice he wanted to try and get to know each other again and perhaps maybe he would change and it would be better and different this time. So, I decided to unblock his number and chat with him again.
Me being the open book that I am, I explained every single thing I went through this year. I gave him every detail. But in hopes he would understand why I ghosted him in the first place and why I don’t rush into things. I felt bad I didn’t get personal and explain it before, but i did let him know I couldn’t promise anything and I wasn’t sure what would happen between us....However he got comfortable for the simple fact that I let him back in....And I was repeating the same pattern of trying to force it even though I wasn’t feeling it, yet again...
He tried to be pushy again with the FaceTiming but I wasn’t having it or giving in. I told him “on weekends only”, and “when I have time for it”. He was very nervous about saying the wrong things to me and about the possibility of me ghosting him again. I kept telling him to relax and to go with the flow. He tried not to say the wrong things, which made me feel nothing but more pressure to be honest, but he just could not help himself...He was trying to not put pressure on me but kept bringing it up, so he therefore was putting pressure on me.
I got a new iPhone and during the process some of his iMessages didn’t go through and he showed concern that I blocked him again. That made me feel pressure. Then, one time he saw me appear on POF and other dating apps and he made sure to bring it up to me, even though we weren’t together. And I told him this: “You saw me on those dating apps because you were on them too right?” And he was like “yeah” and I said “we are taking this slow and going with the flow as we discussed many times, right?” And he tried to play it off and laughed at what I was saying. Tried to claim he was just messing around with me....I should’ve ended it there but nope! The guilt of doing it again to him was eating me alive so I kept forcing myself to try.
He also would text me several times even if I didn’t respond. One morning I had told him the night before I was out with friends and he says “oh but you couldn’t text me back and say you were okay” where he then claimed he was just joking...Right....
He still was pushy with the FaceTiming. And I was remembering more and more the reason why I ghosted him in the first place. I was not feeling the connection and he still was being pushy. Talking about going to Pride in June 2020 since we didn’t go last year, but then saying things like “I know, I know, we aren’t jumping the gun here. We’re moving slow”...But still made me feel this immense amount of pressure.
He also felt like I was worried that he didn’t like me enough or that I was concerned with things like him having a hard time to take off from work to see me. He kept trying to reassure me. These were two things I honestly absolutely did not care about. I am not sure why he felt the need to worry about this but I think he wanted me to have those feelings. I had to be honest about that as well.
On top of everything, I also felt like he did not have real goals or future. He didn’t seem to care to discuss things like that, just only cared about a possible relationship...
The last time I FaceTimed with him I asked him “where do you see yourself five years from now?” He said “married, owning a house, maybe have kids”. I don’t want to sound cruel but his current job and living situation realistically would not get him there within 5 years, especially if he doesn’t have goals to make changes. And I asked him if he had goals to someday get there, and he basically didn’t, or have anything realistic in mind....I constantly kept it real with him and reminded him of my stance on things. I even told him to not chase people who aren’t interested in him. I tried to enlighten him and teach him to respect himself and not deal with fuck boys who don’t know what they want...I told him to focus on himself and his goals and bettering himself before anything else, but it just wasn’t registering and he still tried too much....
I knew I was done. Again...I just felt really bad because he really really liked me. And I remember when I was the desperate lonely person and my ex or whoever would throw it in my face how much I liked them when I first met them when we’d sometimes argue, because of how crazy I would get. But this was beyond desperate, it was a bit creepy. And I was mad at myself for forgetting this about him. This was some “you” shit....Maybe I’m just being dramatic. I think he just was nice and overly needy, but I would lie if I said writing this story out doesn’t make me a little creeped out....Despite that it’s my fault because I gave him a second chance and totally lead him on. Ugh!
So I had to do it again...I had to ghost him. I couldn’t lead him on anymore and I messed up for ever giving him another chance in the first place. But I kept it as real as it could get when I ended it.
I told him I was sorry to do it again to him but wasn’t feeling him. I told him the truth. That he was moving too fast and needed to learn to be single. I told him being single is a good thing because it gives you time to focus on nothing but yourself. I let him know that he should have better goals for himself. And I left it at asking him to please not change his number and hit me up again and to please ignore me if he sees me on any other dating app moving forward. I told him he “has to do this” and I warned I would take legal action if he didn’t respect my wishes since he’s taken it way too far the past six months.
I felt really bad but I could not go into 2020 making the same mistakes. And my advice to you guys if you are lonely and sad and feel like you will be alone forever just because you’re single....You will not be alone forever. Believe me you won’t. I am not sure if everlasting love exists. I also am battling with the possibility of it not existing. I also get lonely, I also am heartbroken a lot of the time. But people need to learn to make themselves their main priority, not a relationship.
Love yourself above anyone else. The only person who you can rely on is you. And if you keep searching and searching and try and force something to happen that lacks chemistry, then you are just desperate. It is not worth it. As Madonna sang on Madame X “I don’t search I find” and when she stopped searching, she finally found enough love....
As for me, moving forward I am cutting someone off the second they do too much and don’t respect my wishes. I can’t constantly become the bad guy in stories when I do what’s right for me. Because sometimes the guilt eats me up alive. I’m just going to continue being honest and do it my way, and when this reoccurs I will not let the guilt get to me anymore and drag it out.
More importantly I am working on this issue where I feel the need to be a people pleaser. My goal this year in finding healing and growth is to learn to say “no” more often. I will not allow myself to force myself into things or try and make things work just because I am worried about other people’s feelings over mine. More importantly I am going to remind myself that I can’t even play victim in these situations because I am leading people on. The last guy was a bit crazy but this point I could only blame myself. I really am “not that innocent”....But I am learning.
Song to go with post:
Oops!...I Did It Again Live from Dream Within A Dream Tour:
A year ago today a lot of us were facing both concern and disappointment. Britney Spears back in October of 2018, shortly after she wrapped up her Piece of Me tour, announced on the Ellen show that she was starting a new residency in Vegas called “Domination”. Many fans, including myself, were really excited and snatched tickets the second the dates went on sale. My crazy ass literally bought tickets for her first three shows, one of them would’ve been VIP.
I was really excited for this trip because over the years I have made many friends in the Britney army whether in Vegas or on social media who love Britney as much as I do. And majority of us planned to go to her first shows and were going to meet for the first time. We had planned so much together. From special outfits and other activities we were going to participate in together in Vegas. We were going to go to Fremont and do zip lining, I also had tickets to see the Backstreet boys for the first time and was really excited about that...It was going to be an epic trip...
However...Something did not feel right from the start and I’d be a moron not to admit that. Britney had just wrapped up her “Piece of Me” tour, which was also the show she did in Vegas for four years. The woman seemed exhausted and she barley had a break over the years. The announcement was so over hyped. They closed the entire strip of Las Vegas, and had an entire parade for her. We waited for over 30 minutes for her to show up on a podium just to wave, walk down basically a long cat walk, and walk straight into a car and her driver drove off....
Now if you’re a crazy Britney fan like me, although this sounds extremely tired and underwhelming, this is what I love about her. No fucks given and she just smiles, nods, and drives off into the night, hardly acknowledging anyone. Of course when she tried to sign an autograph for one fan, one of her security guards snatched her away real quick and would not let her sign for the fan.
I loved that she didn’t care, I mean after all what does she have left to prove, right? She’s an icon at this point. But it still did not feel right. Despite all of that, she started posting some rehearsal videos on Instagram. A lot of them got mixed reviews from fans, in my opinion she looked amazing, she was stepping it up a notch with the choreography, and I was really excited to see what this show was going to be all about. Even though so far the set list that we knew of were songs that were already in piece of me.
We literally did not know what to expect, except for the fact that a lot of us were hoping she’d bring back “overprotected” and perform “My prerogative” for the first time ever. I mean how appropriate would’ve it been considering she had just come out with a unisex perfume called “prerogative” at the time? And most of us found out she was indeed going to perform those songs and it was so disappointing that we didn’t get to ever see it.
But what came from this was more than disappointment, it was concern. Out of the blue on January 4th 2019, she made a post on social media and she mentioned that her father got sick and almost died and that she had to take time to take care of him. She canceled the entire residency....
Nobody wants to question the authenticity of something like this, how could you? But then out of nowhere she disappeared off social media and wasn’t seen anywhere in public. It’s as if she disappeared for a few months and at this point we were living in limbo as to what was going on with her and if she was okay...
A few months later, come April, Britney out of nowhere made a post about taking space and focusing on self care. Which had a lot of fans wondering what was going on but still had everyone excited to finally hear from her. Turned out, TMZ was releasing information to the public that she had been in a mental health facility getting help.
Nobody ever knew the real story behind this. But the podcast “Britney’s gram” basically got a tip from a paralegal who had inside scoop as to what really was possibly going on. It seemed Britney had been held in a facility against her will for months, and so much more. It seemed the story about her father being ill was fabricated so that they could cover up what was really happening.
All in all so many things started making sense. It was a dark time for the Britney army. From what we were learning is that she was forced into a lot of things, such as the tour she did over that summer, meet and greets, and starting the new domination residency. She seemed to be this puppet who was a money making machine for her father and anyone else who was in control of her....
This all goes back to 2007 when Britney had a breakdown which almost tarnished her career. She got the help she needed but right away, back in 2008, she had released a new album called “circus” and a tour and was already diving back into work without taking a much needed break to really recover. We all know she hasn’t been exactly the same since before 2007, but us fans love her so much that it didn’t matter to us. As long as she was alive and well, and of course still making music and performing for us....
Deep down over the years something never felt right to me but I was too scared to admit it. I felt someone was forcing her into all of this and that she wasn’t happy. I don’t know for sure obviously, this is just speculation, and the sad thing is speculating about this nowadays can get you in trouble. But using my free speech right as a fan I can express the concern I was feeling at the time without being punished for it....
After the breakdown she was put into a conservatorship. I am not going to deny that at the time it was appropriate. She was spiraling out of control and had her kids taken away. What didn’t make sense, and will never make sense to me, is that the conservatorship still exists almost 13 years later now...How on earth does someone who works nonstop, can get out of bed, feed themselves, and take care of themselves need to be in a conservatorship? Someone who works the job that she does? Makes no sense!
None of it made sense to me. And when these things were coming out to the public it made the fans outraged and the Britney army became a fighting force trying really hard to fight for her to get out of it. It was a dark time for me as well in my life, and I couldn’t believe this was happening to Britney at the same time...
The “FREE BRITNEY” movement became so popular it was all over the headlines. There were so many different stories coming out, I have to admit it was hard to keep track. But some things were painfully obvious. I won’t get into what was because I don’t want to get in trouble for stating an opinion. It was all painfully hard to watch...
I believe the outrage that came from fans, the protests, it shined a light on her situation and other people who go through conservatorship abuse. Apparently it’s very common and hardly spoken about. I strongly suggest people do research on this, it’s a terrible thing. The person literally loses majority of their rights, cannot make decisions for themselves, and in cases where its abused its like being a prisoner.
For a lot of us, we stopped caring about Britney the performer, but started caring about Britney the person. No human being should have to endure what she has over these years. Recently I watched the movie “Judy” about the story of Judy Garland’s last days. If you take a look at her life, it was awful. She was forced to starve herself when she was a kid and take all kinds of pills. Diet pills, pills to stay awake, and she had no control over her own money. Her kids were taken away from her and she had to keep performing just to try and earn a living despite all the money she had made and had no access to. She was used and abused, and it made me think so much about Britney and what she possibly could have been through her entire life and what she is going through now.
It doesn’t help that some fans/people were being hateful. Some were pulling through for her but once she started posting on social media again they stopped caring. Some got bored and just wanted new music from her. Some were saying cruel things about her appearance. Which clearly was upsetting her, as she had made several posts about mean comments on her Instagram and how it was hurting her feelings. The one thing social media has blessed us with, is seeing the ugly in people. People can be so cruel behind a phone or computer screen but I am sure in person they wouldn’t have the guts....
This “free Britney” movement has seemed to die down a little bit. I think because a lot of us are just waiting for her court dates to come. She is not allowed to see her children, she’s given more money to Kevin Federline, there’s so much going on, it’s hard to keep up. She also posts a lot more on Instagram which I think has distracted folks.
I don’t think it’s anyone’s job to fight for her if they don’t care anymore or don’t want to, and that’s fair. A lot of us are battling our own every day battles and I get that. I also toned it down and was going hard for her for the longest. But I still am rooting for her. I still am hoping she will get her freedom. I am even participating in a “free Britney” rally in New York City when she has her court date on 1/22/2020. It’s happening in Union Square if anyone is interested.
As much as I hope Britney the performer comes back, has a new tour or residency, makes new music, I pray Britney the person is okay first and foremost. She might just be a pop star to some, but for me she has helped saved my life in many ways. It’s why I care tremendously about her.
I pray that only good things happen from here on out. Since January 4th 2019 it’s been a rollercoaster for us Britney fans, and Britney herself. She seems stable and steady now and I just pray from here on out it only continues to get better. Most of all, I pray she will eventually be able to speak her truth, and tell her story herself some day. Maybe most of us have been wrong this entire time, maybe there’s more to it than we know, I just pray someday, we will know the truth, her truth!
Song to go with post: