Took me to heaven and let me fall down
Now that it's over I'm gonna carry on
Lifted me up and watched me stumble
After the heartache I'm gonna carry on
Living for love
I'm living for love
I'm not giving up
I'm gonna carry on
Living for love
I'm living for love
Not gonna stop
Love's gonna lift me up
-Madonna: Living for Love
It seems I created this blog to reflect on everything I’ve been through this past year. And man was it a hell of a lot...I really had the hardest year of my life. Going through a breakup, loss of friends, betrayals, and making some of the biggest mistakes of my life to cope with it all. It all happened consecutively back to back throughout the year and felt like a never ending rollercoaster. My anxiety and depression were at an all time high and was the worst it’s ever been. And I’m finally on this journey of self reflection and doing better for myself. It’s been over a year long journey but going through it by myself during the hardest times of it all was the worst. I did not know what to do, I felt so lost....But I am thankful for those who did come through for me, who have gone above and beyond for me this year, and who continue to do so. I am not sure I would be here right now if it weren’t for these amazing friends and family that I have in my life....
I started the year off by spending New Year’s Eve on my couch alone while my ex was sleeping in our bedroom. I had a bottle of champagne I finished by myself and drank Jameson while crying like a pathetic baby. It made me think I was starting the year off in the worst way possible but there wasn’t anyone I wanted to spend the holiday with and I did not know where to turn.
Shortly after on January 4th, the world got the worst news ever. Britney Spears was canceling her new Las Vegas residency where I had a whole trip planned with fellow Britney fans, some of which I was going to meet for the first time, others I had already met.
It was so crushing because while going through my breakup, from the very start of it, I had to watch supposed best friends of mine hangout with my ex every other weekend, unintentionally (I must say) helping him go on his own journey to move on where he was running and doing marathons bettering himself with them. They didn’t think that maybe they should have held off on that for a while and they were hardly reaching out to me or showing minimal support throughout those first few months, so I felt I needed this trip and experience more than anything.
I needed to be with my new friends and see my favorite princess of pop to lift my spirits and get me out of the funk. But even that opportunity had to be taken from me, and I knew it just was not going to be my year. On top of it Britney was all over the headlines for months because she seemed to be dealing with another break down with everything she was going through. I swear it seems throughout my entire life of being a life long fan, every time she was going through something seemed to occur during the same exact time I was going through something. And it’s part of why I love her so much, especially since she’s such an inspiration because she always keeps her head up and comes out of it stronger and better than ever. And that’s what I was and am hoping for myself.
By the end of January leading into February I still had a solo trip planned to go to Vegas. It was to see Lady GaGa and travel to the Grand Canyon. I saw two of her Enigma shows and saw her Jazz show on my last night. Honestly I am beyond thankful that I still at least had this trip.
Although for me, Vegas does not feel like Vegas without Britney there, I still ended up having the best time ever and the best trip of my life. And I was worried that it wouldn’t end up that way. I made lots of friends a long the way during my trip. Hooked up with two guys that went awfully but were funny stories to share, I even went clubbing by myself and had the best time. Went to Brunch on the top of the stratosphere and even went on rides on top of the hotel. Went to Fremont and drank Jameson out of a ginormous replica of the Christmas Story leg. Standing on the edge of a cliff at the Grand Canyon was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done but it was also very exhilarating and made me feel strong and like I could do anything. GaGa’s beautiful words of encouragement about finding kindness within yourself and for your enemies truly helped save my soul, and I hope one day I will be lucky enough to meet her so I can thank her. I needed that more than ever at that time. So in a way something finally went right in my life....
Before I left for the trip I was still missing my ex and felt like a mess. I longed for him and was hoping by some chance we would get back together even though it was obvious and I found enough evidence to see he was already having fun and moving on with his life. I had left him this long letter hoping it would help bring us back to talking about trying again. But on the solo trip I realized that was a huge mistake and that it needed to end.
No matter how hard it was to admit and to deal with, I realized he had to leave the apartment and my life so I could finally try to move on in the ways he was doing so easily. Or what seemed to be so easily. I also realized I was too angry about him hanging out with my friends, it’s felt like a knife in the back from all of them. I felt at the time it was appropriate for them to just step back from that for my sake, despite anything, and that my friends who I had known since high school who I’ve gone above and beyond for over the years and been very supportive to, especially during relationship issues, loses, etc. should have taken space from him to be there for me.
I’m not saying end the friendship with him completely, in some ways it wasn’t even possible and I understood that. I just was shown minimal support and it was bad timing on their end and should’ve been thought about....And I would be lying if I said they didn’t eventually try but at the point that they did it was months into the breakup and I was at my lowest and it just was too late for me.
The trip made me realize I needed to remove all the toxic people out of my life and I needed to learn to be selfish and put myself first. So when I came back that’s exactly what I did. I told my ex I should not have left the letter and that it was time he started working on moving out. And I chose to end friendships even though it was not easy. I do have to admit that months after he moved out I still was holding on a little bit and was letting him in, it wasn’t till I learned some hurtful things that occurred while we were together (to add to the list and since the truth ALWAYS comes out) that I finally let him go entirely, and it definitely was very hard to finally let go. Sometimes I still miss him and wonder about a lot but I know I had to do what was right for me.
I realize I cannot play one hundred percent victim here. With my ex I definitely had my faults and made mistakes and they were bad, some were downright cruel. I didn’t realize how much resentment I had deep down for all the things he had put me through over the years from the very beginning till the end. I put it all in a box and buried it because despite anything I wanted to be with him and just deal with it all so that we could make it work. But doing that only made me push him away because I ended up not being so kind a lot of the time and wanting space because of how hurt I was from things that had happened and were happening. It’s not right no matter what he was putting me through and I need to admit that. And because of this, for a while I did blame myself for the downfall of our relationship. I felt like I was crazy and mean and that that was why I pushed him away and why he left me. It took a lot for me to eventually validate my feelings over the years and I no longer blame myself, but I do still take responsibility for where I was to blame....
And with my friends I can’t play victim all the way either. I was with my ex 7 years and of course he was going to make friends with my friends. I totally get that. I’ve also been in the situation before where I was friends with peoples exes or made friends through other friends. It would be hypocritical not to admit that. And for a while I realized I was being a little bit ridiculous about being so angry about their friendship with him. And I did get to a point where I realized I was wrong for that BUT even with this I had to also learn to validate my feelings. I still expected so much more from them when this occurred. I still felt like I was not getting any support when I have done so much for them over the years and that they were spending more time with him.
I also can’t play victim all the way with them because I chose to end the friendships without explanation. I did not sit down and talk with these people and tell them how I felt. But in reality how could I? I was busy trying to fix myself and heal from the pain of losing the person I loved the most, also didnt help to see your supposed best friends in constant pictures on social media with someone you love and miss the most. With someone who hurt you. The people who should be there lifting you up and supporting you.
I am not sorry that I handled it the way that I did. But I do take responsibility for how I handled it. I just ghosted them. But it didn’t help that they didn’t realize how much it hurt and that I ended up being the bad guy in their side of the story for reacting the way that I did. I have no regrets.
There are two reasons why I didn’t have a talk with them. My whole life whether it be from my ex or family members, whenever I felt a certain way about something I have been told I was crazy. I was made to feel that my feelings were not validated and that I was either making things up or interpreting things wrong. And that is part of why I didn’t bother because I knew that was the reaction I was going to get.
But I also felt like I’ve had discussions about what should happen if this were to happen, I felt like I’ve done too much for them, and I couldn’t be bothered anymore to fix it. Also how can you possibly fix a friendship when you’re dealing with a breakup and at your lowest and trying to heal and fix yourself? This was more than a breakup, we were adults living together and were together 7 years and built a whole life together, it was more like a divorce. It is not the time to fix friendships. But some people are too selfish to understand that...
While dealing with the pain of all these things I still was trying to be the typical friend that I always was to the others that were still in my life. I was the type who has always done too much for people. I’m like a therapist for some or financially I throw money away on people trying to help them out and participate in things giving my all 100 percent. Even if I’m dealing with something personally, I usually put it to the side, bury it in a box, and do the most to help people out. I’ve done this for years and years. But the more time that was going by this year the more I realized I couldn’t give my all anymore, no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t.
It didn’t help that I was making terrible choices to cope with this breakup. I sunk myself into a shit ton of credit card debt. I just would spend money on things to try and fill the void of what was missing. Buying shit at least gave me temporary happiness and fulfillment. But when it came to the time for him to leave I did not have a dime saved. I also didn’t expect the breakup to happen when I was in debt at first and had no issue paying it off till I realized I had to live on my own. And taking on the bills alone was a complete hardship. Being single, living alone in NYC is not cheap, especially when you don’t make good money. So I now was taking on the stress and anxiety of taking on all these bills by myself and trying to pay off debts. It was literally another thing I had to go through while going through everything else.
I was committed to something for a friend where I did my best to make it work. I considered this person a best friend and I agreed to participate because I wanted to be there for them. And this person absolutely knew everything and every detail of my financial situation and of all the things that were going on in my life. I spent most of the first half of the year with this person over anyone else. And as the commitment came close and there was a mishap with something we planned to do that would cause us to spend more money at the last minute, I realized I had to pull out of one event that was apart of the commitment due to financial issues that were out of my control while I was going to shell out money for all the other things we had planned to do. And when this happened this person threw a tantrum like a spoiled brat who didn’t get their way and I was treated like a piece of shit. It was literally unbelievable.
The person stooped so low to throw things in my face and try to embarrass me about my situation. The person tried to make me out to be fake and as if I wasn’t doing my best and didn’t want anything to do with what I committed to. Which really hurt because I truly was excited to be apart of it and it was the best distraction to have to keep me busy during the lowest time of my life. This person stooped so low to talk shit about me on social media and make me out to be this person I was not. While knowing every single thing I was going through. This was more hurtful than anything. And after everything we spoke it out but I received a half ass apology where the person was still mostly defensive. So, I decided for my mental health I did not deserve to be treated like that after everything I had already been through, and I decided to cut the person off and pulled out of the commitment all together...
Again maybe another situation where I can’t play victim entirely but the person couldn’t just let it go there. This person has been all about revenge since they were a child and hasn’t grown up one bit since. So months later they continued to try and hurt me by even taking a picture with my ex at an event they were at with others I no longer talk to and posting it, knowing it would get back to me. This person at first was the only one I vented to the most about everything. They agreed with me, listened to everything. Wasn’t even really friends with my ex either like that....This was done on spite and honestly I find it very evil. But hey, another lesson learned....
That was hurtful to me on so many levels from all of them. It was done on purpose just to hurt me. It’s sick because I feel like I am in high school with all of this bull shit where there are 29-30 something year olds involved. I never imagined this would be my life at this point, but here I am living it. How someone can do this I don’t know, but some people don’t ever grow up. As Cher once sang, “don’t you sometimes wish your heart was made of stone?” I wish mine was because I honestly wish I never cared about any of this childish bull shit as much as I did. It sounds like a high school drama on TV.
See, some people don’t realize how much their actions can truly hurt someone. To the point where the person is contemplating suicide. But you have to be a special kind of narcissist to be able to do these things and play victim while doing it. And I did realize that throughout my entire life I tend to attract narcissists, be it as friends or romantically. And that also is where it’s partly my fault because of the bad choices I have continued to make and situations I put myself in. Someway, somehow I got through all of this and continued to try to keep pushing.
I will say there are always two sides to every story. Although some things I’ve heard that have come from the other side when defending themselves was absolutely not true. I am not calling them liars though because maybe they actually believe/think certain conversations were had or certain things happened that in my gut I know absolutely did not.....But everyone interprets things differently sometimes....I also admit maybe I interpreted some things wrong....My brain literally was not functioning 100 percent during all of this.
I need to make it clear I am not putting this all out there to play victim or seek revenge or get attention. Writing this all out has only helped me heal and feel better each day. I did realize while going through all of this that I handled it all completely wrong. I handled it like a child.
I would put sad music on and drink at home till I would black out and get sick. I was literally trying to drink myself to death. Sometimes I would cry, scream, break things. And then I’d be blackout drunk and post subliminal posts and messages on social media. I think it was my way of releasing everything I was holding in. It was my way of telling the ones who hurt me I was hurting without directly doing it. And that was definitely wrong and childish. And I already know in their stories I am the wrong one. These people don’t acknowledge me when they see me even though I have acknowledged them. I do not know how to play that game....But so be it.
They are mad because I cut them off and even chose to not go to important events they were having. I just felt like when I was not getting support or was getting shitted on, I couldn’t be there for them anymore. I’m not sorry about it. Again, no regrets. But one day I am open to making peace and just moving on. If they are open to that great, if not that is fine with me as well. I cannot hold on to anger, sadness, and heartbreak for the rest of my life. And I can’t let all these things I’ve been through bring me down for the rest of my life. I am still hurting, healing, angry, and sad but little by little I am improving. And that is part of why I started this blog. I did it for myself to continue to help myself heal and move on. This is all a self reflection and I can’t make it anymore clear that I’m not trying to play victim or hurt anyone.
Then there are the friends who have had crisis after crisis over the years and I would play therapist or hold their hand through all of it. Some of them weren’t there for me as much as I would be for them, and some I expected more from, some I didn’t expect anything from. I knew they had their own issues, issues too severe, and that they couldn’t possibly be supportive to me.
Unfortunately I had to distance myself or cut a lot of these people off as well. I just couldn’t mentally do it anymore. I couldn’t be a constant shoulder to cry on, a savior, be Jesus Christ, or be supportive any longer. Some of them I do feel horrible about, it was unintentional and I am sure they are angry with me, but while going through all of this, how could I possibly put it all to the side and be all ears and lend my support? Not when I was a hot mess trying to fix and better myself...
There was a time this year where I seriously almost considered going to a mental health facility because of how mentally damaged I was. I also was considering rehab. It is something that maybe I should have done because maybe I would have made less mistakes. I wanted to end my life. I was in therapy this year and it did not work or go well for me. It really is a shame that most health insurances don’t cover sufficient mental health care. My therapist was a young lady who seemed like she was a student. She was always nervous and even would cry when I would go through every detail of what I was going through. It was not very helpful for me and was too costly considering I had to take on so many bills on my own. Eventually she actually “broke up” with me because I think she could tell it wasn’t going anywhere....I am thankful that someway, some how I was able to find strength and get myself through this on my own. It was not easy doing it by myself.
Despite some of the horrible things I’ve been through and experienced this year, there still were plenty of amazing moments. I am thankful for the friends and family I do have. I feel like they’ve truly seen what I was going through and have gone above and beyond for me in ways nobody else ever has.
I am thankful to my friends Zenek and Nancy. We reconnected over the summer and as I shared with them everything I was going through I could literally feel their genuine sympathy and empathy. It almost felt like they were feeling my pain for me as I told them everything that was going on. And they have gone above and beyond to make me feel special and to show me I should be treated in the ways I’ve treated my friends over the years.
I am also thankful to my amazing friends Amanda and Stella for always being beyond generous to me and lending me their shoulders to cry on. It also helps that we share an obsession with Britney Spears and can obsess over her together. They have gone above and beyond for me in so many ways this year and I am so grateful.
I also am grateful for my coworkers Taisha and Alicia. I spent the entire year venting to Taisha during my lunch breaks and she was so supportive and kind to me. Alicia has also guided me into making this website and has lifted me up with her positivity and outlook on life.
My birthday this year would’ve been the hardest ever because my ex and I shared the same birthday and it was going to be my first birthday alone. Thanks to my friends and family I had the best birthday ever.
The weekend before my 29th birthday Zenek and Nancy treated me to a weekend get away to Atlantic City and we had the best time ever. Going to the beach, listening to good music and just relaxing and enjoying ourselves. They also bought me a crown! I’ve never had anyone do so much for me for my birthday.
My mom got me a ticket to see Madonna. I went to the Madame X tour with my two coworkers and had an amazing seat and time. How many people are lucky enough to see their favorite queen on their birthday? Such a small intimate show and I got to hear her new album live. I also was lucky enough that back in June I won tickets to see her do an interview with iHeart Radio and I actually got to speak to her and go up to her. That is a moment I will live with for the rest of my life.
During my birthday week my best friend Amanda came to visit from Kansas for the second time. First time was back in June and it was her first time coming to New York, we did cute touristy things and saw Ariana Grande in concert. This time when she came for my birthday we had dinner with my parents and went out on the town and just had a fun weekend filled with slumber parties and Britney music videos, we also had an amazing time with Stella when she joined us on our adventures. It truly was a birthday for the books and I am thankful for all of it other wise I would’ve been down and miserable.
In 2019 I went to a lot of concerts and shows. I saw Lady GaGa 3 times while I was in Vegas. I saw comedian Andy Borowitz at BAM in Brooklyn with my cousin and our friends. I then took myself to see the Cher show on broadway which got me totally into Cher. I saw Ariana Grande’s sweetener tour with Amanda, we also saw the Lion King on broadway which is one of my favorite broadway shows. I saw my favorite band Blondie in concert in Forest Hills over the summer and that was a lot of fun. I then went to Madonna’s Madame X tour twice, once on my birthday and then her final show in October in Brooklyn. I ended the year by seeing iconic legend Cher.
I would have seen Britney if her residency didn’t get canceled (FREE BRITNEY! By the way!) The concerts took me out of my element and lifted my spirits. Music really has saved my life over and over again since I was a child and it still does to this day. I love the stereotypical queens all the gays love, but for me it’s more than stereotypical. It’s personal. Their music has helped give me strength and has helped get me through the toughest times.
My first year living alone since April has been amazing too despite having severe financial issues and major depression. I love my apartment. I decided to decorate for Halloween and have a Halloween party and it was really fun. I also decided to go all out and decorate for Christmas and host a Christmas party. I think doing things like this helps the sadness and depression be a little bit at ease. The ambiance of the apartment is very comforting and relaxing.
I encourage anyone who is alone this year and feeling lonely to do the same. Lift yourself up, decorate your apartment, house, or bedroom. Don’t wallow in self pity and be miserable during the holiday season. You only need yourself at the end of the day.
I actually have done more Christmas events than ever this year. I went to our holiday party at work, I dressed up as rock star Santa and went to Santa con with coworkers, and I celebrated both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family. It definitely helped me feel a little joy and happiness compared to Christmas last year.
I am thankful for my parents for stepping it up and helping me out during this difficult time. Whether it was financially or emotionally. I was able to get things I really needed and I don’t know what I would have done other wise.
I also am thankful for my current job. I started there just as my breakup occurred. I was miserable at all my other jobs over the years. But with this job I feel very respected, I love my boss, my coworkers, and I love what I do. I am glad that at least went well in my life because the last few jobs did contribute to my depression and anxiety and I can’t imagine having gone through what I’ve been through while working anywhere else. Work helps me keep busy and it’s a plus that I’m surrounded by wonderful people and a great team!
All in all the year I had and the things I’ve been through sound awful but believe it or not I am very grateful for it all. Sure I’m still angry, sad, and healing but the experiences needed to happen so my life could go in the direction it finally needed to go. I couldn’t go on with my life in the way it was going. And although it hurt like hell, I needed to see people’s true colors to clear the negativity out of my life. I still wish them all well and hope they’re happy and healthy. I still am struggling in so many ways but I no longer drink myself half to death in the ways that I did or make the same mistakes I was making.
Although these things are still on my mind a lot, I no longer let it control my life. Healing is a process and writing this all out and sharing it has truly helped me. And I hope it helps others who have gone through the same or something similar. I am not quite sure how far this will go but sharing my stories and experiences have helped me heal a lot and even helped me see some things differently. To those of you who took the time to read all this I thank you and truly appreciate it.
Happy new year everyone! 2020 is the start of a new decade, it’s the year I turn 30, and I am feeling confident it finally will be different and better than the past year and a half I’ve had. I hope the same for everyone in my life!
Just some of the songs that have gotten me through the year:
Madonna Living for Love:
Madonna Extreme Occident:
Madonna Human Nature:
Madonna X-static Process:
Britney Spears Stronger:
Britney Spears Why Should I Be Sad?:
Britney Spears Everytime:
Britney Spears To Love Let Go:
Cher Heart Of Stone:
Cher Strong Enough:
A Great Big World And Christina Aguilera Say Something:
Christina Aguilera Hurt:
Beyonce Hold Up:
Lady GaGa Million Reasons:
Lady GaGa Ft. Bradley Cooper Shallow:
Lady GaGa Always Remember Us This Way:
Lady GaGa Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down):
Selena Gomez Lose You To Love Me:
Janet Jackson Well Traveled:
Janet Jackson Someone To Call My Lover:
Ariana Grande In My Head:
Ariana Grande Thank U, Next:
Ariana Grande No Tears Left To Cry:
Miley Cyrus Nothing Breaks Like a Heart:
Blondie Heart Of Glass:
Fleetwood Mac Landslide:
Gwen Stefani Used To Love You:
Edith Piaf No Regrets: