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Part One Happiness
Honey, when I'm above the trees I see this for what it is But now I'm right down in it All the years I've given Is just shit we're dividing up Showed you all of my hiding spots I was dancing when the music stopped And in the disbelief I can't face reinvention I haven't met the new me yet There'll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you Both of these things can be true There is happiness Past the blood and bruise Past the curses and cries Beyond the terror in the nightfall Haunted by the look in my eyes That would've loved you for a lifetime Leave it all behind And there is happiness Tell me, when did your winning smile Begin to look like a smirk? When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? I hope she'll be a beautiful fool Who takes my spot next to you No, I didn't mean that Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury You haven't met the new me yet There'll be happiness after me But there was happiness because of me Both of these things I believe There is happiness In our history Across our great divide There is a glorious sunrise Dappled with the flickers of light From the dress I wore at midnight Leave it all behind And there is happiness I can't make it go away by making you a villain I guess it's the price I pay for seven years in heaven And I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night now I get fake niceties No one teaches you what to do When a good man hurts you And you know you hurt him too Honey, when I'm above the trees I see it for what it is But now my eyes leak acid rain On the pillow where you used to lay your head After giving you the best I had Tell me what to give after that All you want from me now Is the green light of forgiveness You haven't met the new me yet And I think she'll give you that There'll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you too Both of these things can be true There is happiness In our history Across our great divide There is a glorious sunrise Dappled with the flickers of light From the dress I wore at midnight Leave it all behind Oh, leave it all behind Leave it all behind And there is happiness... www.youtube.com/watch?v=tP4TTgt4nb0 Hope...What does it feel like? Can you even remember the last time you felt it? The feeling of hope? That feeling where you get a boost of positive energy, you smile and feel it within the deep depths of your soul that everything will get better and everything is going to be okay? I think most of us forgot what that felt like dealing with 2020. It’s been an awful year for all of us. It’s been scary, confusing, ugly, and evil. How is it even possible to feel the slightest bit of hope? Donald Trump lost the 2020 election. We now have two vaccines to help combat Covid-19...I want to scream joy from the mountain tops. I want to cry tears of happiness. I want to hug my friends and never let them go. I want to dance my sorrows away and bathe in the moonlight while feeling free from this evil sociopath, while also for the first time seeing a glimmer of hope because we are finally possibly starting to defeat this pandemic... When Trump was defeated on Election Day and by the electoral college, I felt and did some of those things. I felt “hopeful” for the first time in years. I felt the brightest light come and shine a bit for the first time through all this darkness....Like when a tree loses its leaves in the winter and the leaves slowly but surely start to come back in the spring bringing the tree back to life. However, through the happiness of this defeat, while experiencing the first feelings of hope in a long time, and all the happiness that comes with it, for some reason I’ve been finding myself falling through a rabbit hole. Getting suckered into old bad feelings, old bad habits, and feeling darkness even though the light is right there finally, for the first time in a long time, for all of us to see. Trauma will do that to you.... I guess I struggle with feeling happy. What is happiness? I thought I felt it for years in my relationship. But I realized I was wrong, I was miserable and hurting. I thought I experienced it with certain friendships. I was also wrong. I think? I guess the hardest thing for me to accept is there was actual happiness, despite all the bad things. The happiness was real just as much as the bad things were too...Leave it all behind... A year ago I launched this blog. I am proud of how far I’ve come since then. I was suicidal, I was hurting, I was betrayed, and I was angry. All of the things that put me in a bad place occurred two years ago. The first year was the worst. I dug myself in a hole of financial burden which I’m still trying to get myself out of. I put on a lot of weight. I’d eat too much or eat nothing at all, and drink my sorrows away until I’d black out. I attempted to kill myself. I had a nervous breakdown because I had already been through enough traumatic things in life. I was not sure how to get myself out of it. Therapy didn’t work and the stress of my job didn’t help. I tried dating again and kept repeating bad patterns and making bad choices. I truly just completely lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t understand life anymore. I could not make sense of anything. I just wanted to die. I was tired of screaming, tired of crying, tired of feeling so hurt and angry. Tired of missing someone constantly and not being able to make it stop.... So I took a risk. I started writing about it. I wrote about all the dark feelings, dark times, and hardships. I wrote about my emotions in depth without getting into specific details or naming names which was hard. I let everything pour out that was eating me alive inside my head. I wanted to start a blog to write about pop culture, sex, and dating. I wanted it to be cute and not too deep and be relatable to people. I post a lot of crap on Facebook from politics to pop culture, but I almost never got very personal. Nobody knew how imperfect my life was. How imperfect my relationship was. It seems like all I cared about was falsely showing off how perfect everything was...I was showing a false pretty picture of perfection so I could continuously live in a bubble and pretend that everything was amazing and fine when in reality it actually wasn’t...Never in a million years did I think I would ever be comfortable to admit that... To put myself out there like this was the biggest risk I ever took in my life. At first I was petrified. But I realized through all the writing I was slowly healing. I was slowly feeling better, I was slowly but surely making progress, even if it was a little bit at a time. In many ways I finally was starting to feel free. I took the risk and I did it. Revealed my truths, my story. I even owned up to my wrongs and my faults over and over again. Some people read it, some gave me praise for it, and it helped heal a few relationships in my life. It brought me closer to some people. It helped me make new friends. A lot of people would come to me and share their thoughts, give me feedback, and also tell me how my posts are relatable for them. Even people who I didn’t think would ever read it would send me private messages. Unfortunately through my progress and start of this blog, things turned for the worst and I was facing another traumatic challenge. The pandemic happened, I got sick and was put out of work for three weeks. Life and everything as we knew it changed and still to this day has not gone back to being the same. I had to become a soldier and go to work in this. Never in my life have I seen anything so devastating, so scary, and so awful. These people became zombies, they were slowly being eaten alive, suffering, and had to go through it all alone. People of all ages, races, sexes, and body types. No matter who the person was, it didn’t make it any easier to watch. There was an overwhelming amount of death, sadness, and hopelessness. Then there was the constant fear of catching it and possibly dying from it or thinking about a loved one who can end up like that. There was also fear of thinking about the person who hurt you the most who you struggled so hard to get over, could possibly go through that and it would kill you if they did.... The anger was real too. Probably the most anger I felt in years. Angry towards selfish people who don’t work in hospitals and don’t get how bad this virus got for healthcare workers dealing with it hands on. Angry at people who constantly shit on healthcare workers in general and have the need to downplay all they went through to feel just as important. All essential people matter, anyone out there working is risking their life, but please don’t downplay everything healthcare workers had to see and deal with. Having to be exposed to people who you know for sure have the virus and seeing death and the worst of the virus is extremely traumatic. People who didn’t experience any of it seem to not care at all and refuse to understand how it affected people working in hospitals....It’s like they’re angry that healthcare workers were called “heroes” and shitted on the fact that they are heroes since they’re the front liners dealing with it hands on. There was anger towards people you know and care about downplaying this and rolling their eyes at you and thinking you’re crazy when you share your experiences with them. Getting eye rolls and laughed at when you explain why you feel so strongly that people need to follow restrictions. There was anger and sadness when people you know and care about support Donald Trump despite how horrific he was with this pandemic and how horrific he is in general. The anger was through the roof when knowing that half the country voted for him...More people voted for him now than in 2016. Thank god he lost, but it’s unbelievable. The anger is real when Trump falsely keeps claiming the election was rigged, lies to his base and says he actually won by a landslide, won’t admit defeat, continues to downplay the virus and people you know and care about are brainwashed to believe these lies. They are so brainwashed because they are apart of his cult along with half the country. This also causes anxiety that somehow he will find a way to steal the election. The anger was and is real when black people constantly face injustice. Even during a pandemic. And you have to go out there in the middle of a pandemic and protest and fight for black lives, and deal with people you know who shit on the Black Lives Matter movement and believe in these fake articles about how violent these protests were. Yes there was looting but not to the degree people made it out to be. The lack of empathy and understanding in all of this is what made me the most angry. But I was happy to protest and fight against the hatred... Part 2 Losing My Grandmother and Myself Never be so kind, you forget to be clever Never be so clever, you forget to be kind And if I didn't know better I'd think you were talking to me now If I didn't know better I'd think you were still around What died didn't stay dead What died didn't stay dead You're alive, you're alive in my head What died didn't stay dead What died didn't stay dead You're alive, so alive Never be so polite, you forget your power Never wield such power, you forget to be polite And if I didn't know better I'd think you were listening to me now If I didn't know better I'd think you were still around What died didn't stay dead What died didn't stay dead You're alive, you're alive in my head What died didn't stay dead What died didn't stay dead You're alive, so alive The autumn chill that wakes me up You loved the amber skies so much Long limbs and frozen swims You'd always go past where our feet could touch And I complained the whole way there The car ride back and up the stairs I should've asked you questions I should've asked you how to be Asked you to write it down for me Should've kept every grocery store receipt 'Cause every scrap of you would be taken from me Watched as you signed your name Marjorie All your closets of backlogged dreams And how you left them all to me What died didn't stay dead What died didn't stay dead You're alive, you're alive in my head What died didn't stay dead What died didn't stay dead You're alive, so alive And if I didn't know better I'd think you were singing to me now If I didn't know better I'd think you were still around I know better But I still feel you all around I know better But you're still around www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP6QpMeSG6s I felt myself going backwards emotionally and mentally. Add another traumatic thing to the list of traumatic things I dealt with in life and the past few years. My grandmother passed away from cancer in June. I lost myself again. She was everything. When I was a kid and there were hardships at home, she was there. When there were hardships in the family, she really tried to fix it all and stop the conflict. Every time she’d come to the city and sleep over our apartment for the weekend, it was the best weekend ever. Every family gathering and holiday she was the glue that kept us together. Losing her made me lose myself... The emotions from losing her and the pandemic made me go backwards when I was doing so well with starting to move forward...I missed my ex, I was sad about the friendships that had ended. I felt so alone. Especially since the pandemic forced us to isolate for so long. Originally I was okay with it because I already was basically socially distancing for a year since I cut off a lot of friendships and only had myself to get through everything. Eventually you need human contact...I thought I was going to lose my mind. I reached out to my ex. I even romanticized that the pandemic would bring us back together and I would no longer be alone through all of this. I would no longer be alone through the sadness of losing my grandmother, through the fear of dying and getting sick, and through all the sadness that came from this presidency and from this pandemic. I was delusional at first. I thought the spark was there and there was a chance for a reconnection. I was so hopeful and prayed so hard for it. I realized I was wrong. Unfortunately he became unrecognizable and changed in many ways. Maybe he finally was showing me the person he was hiding from me all along, or perhaps our breakup and the state of the world changed him too. I’m not sure. But I finally knew it was over and it was time to let go and move on. This is why I couldn’t cut him off when I initially tried. This is why I had those feelings again. Because it was time to face the fact that I never allowed myself to let go and move on and I finally had to realize it was time to. Everything happens for a reason... I know I do this every time I walk the line, I play with fire And I stop myself before the crime I walk the line, yeah, I play with fire I don't wanna push you way too much I don't wanna lean that way too far I don't wanna ever learn the hard way But if you're looking for stable, that'll never be me If you're looking for faithful, that'll never be me If you're looking for someone to be all that you need That'll never be me (Hard as I try) That'll never be me (I play with fire) Dry your tears now, don't you cry I'm by your side, at least for a while I know I do this every time I walk the line, yeah, I play with fire I don't wanna push you way too much I don't wanna lean that way too far I don't wanna ever learn the hard way, no I don't wanna keep you in the dark I don't wanna gamble with your heart I don't wanna ever leave you lonely But if you're looking for stable, that'll never be me If you're looking for faithful, that'll never be me If you're looking for someone to be all that you need That'll never be me (Hard as I try) That'll never be me (I play with fire) Can't get too close to the sun (Fire) Baby, you're the only one, oh, I I'd never lie to you, baby, oh (Fire) You give me a reason to run from the fire 'Cause baby, you're the only one Oh, I swear I'd never lie If you're looking for stable, that'll never be me But I hope that I'm able to be all that you need If you think that I'm someone to give up and leave That'll never be me, no If you think that I'm someone to give up and leave That'll never be me (Hard as I try) That'll never be me, no (I play with fire) That'll never be me www.youtube.com/watch?v=qniEbNzBT20 I’ve learned to accept that I’ll never be stable. I’ll never be perfect. I need to find someone who accepts me for who I am. I think that’s why when I met guys over the past two years being single that expected too much from me and wanted to rush into things, I just couldn’t. They needed to really get to know me before rushing. I mean these were the flaws I had to learn to accept about myself in my last relationship. Despite these flaws, I still know I love with everything in my heart and soul and one day someone will be grateful to have me. It wasn’t easy to finally let go, it still isn’t, but it was a great reminder it was really time to let go. It was time to go on a spiritual journey, make sense of this crazy thing called life, and find myself. It was time to start to finally feel hopeful and stop feeling so hopeless. Part 3 Come alive I'm in the sky where I ought to be and, I been watching you Rocket ship takin' off and that, now I'm onto you Mouth closed, I don't want your opinion, who you talking to? Stand up now, I don't wanna blend in, why you want me to? They say we are like a bee And all I want is peace peace peace peace peace peace See the world, haven't seen it all I wanna see, see, see, see and see these dreams Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Dream's real it's alive Come alive, come and I can't react how you thought I'd react, I would never for you Front line, I won't stand in the back 'cause you want me to Mouth closed, I don't want you opinion, who you talking to? Stand out, no I don't wanna blend in, why you want me to? They say we are like a bee And all I want is peace peace peace peace peace peace See the world, haven't seen it all I wanna see, see, see, see and see these dreams Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Dream's real it's alive Come alive, come and Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come and Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come and Who you talking to? Who you talking to? I'm in the sky where I ought to be and, I been watching you Rocket ship takin' off and that, now I'm onto you Mouth closed, I don't want your opinion, who you talking to? Stand out, no I don't wanna blend in, why you want me to? They say we are like a bee And all I want is peace peace peace peace peace peace See the world, haven't seen it all I wanna see, see, see, see and see these dreams Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Dream's real it's alive Come alive, come and Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Dream's real it's alive Come alive, come and Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come and Wrong line, I won't stand on the back Wrong line, I won't stand on the back Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive Come alive, come alive www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pbKbkygsLo Many people my whole life have called me crazy, tried to silence me, and make me feel like I am wrong about everything. Every emotion, every feeling, literally everything. To the point where I’ve questioned myself and my sanity over and over again...By writing each blog entry I felt more and more exhilarated. I felt I can finally come alive and validate my feelings on everything for the first time ever. A lot of people in my life always thought that I made up stories, thought that I was crazy, and laughed at me and rolled their eyes at me each and every time I shared my experiences, feelings, or opinions on things. I’ve finally learned that that’s okay, I know deep down what I have been through to make me this way, and I finally feel alive and free to be able to let it all out. As I’ve quoted Madonna saying this at her Madame X tour in some of my past entries: “I’m not here to be loved, I’m here to be free”... Earlier I asked what hope was...I think I finally have an idea. Hope is being one of the very first people on the planet getting the covid vaccine. Yes you read that right! I got it. And felt so liberated. I have to wait 28 days for the next dosage, but knowing I was one of the first brought tears, joy, and happiness to my coworkers and I. Hope is having positive thoughts that this pandemic is not forever and we are in the beginning stages of slowly but surely going back to normal. Hope is finally feeling like you’re moving on from someone who you constantly thought about all year, constantly wrote about, and felt like you’d never get over. Hope is maybe finally liking someone new who has potential and is really nice so far as you feel vibes out with him. Hope is knowing Donald Trump lost the election despite how frightening he is behaving because of it. Hope is when your parent gets covid and it was very mild for them and they are doing fine. Hope is when you listen to a song, it speaks to your soul, and it is so relatable to you, that it helps you in many creative ways and helps you pour your heart out just as much as that singer did vocally while singing the lyrics. I wish I was a good singer and I wish I could write songs. But I am grateful for the music I listened to this year because it helped me stay alive more than anything else and helped influence me to write each entry I have written for this blog. It’s crazy how much music has been an influence on my life. I never thought I’d ever be a big Taylor Swift fan, but her albums Folklore and Evermore completely saved my life... It’s been a great year because of this blog. I will forever be grateful to myself for doing this. It’s helped me so much. But now I am ready for bigger and better projects and things. I’ve had dreams of doing certain things with writing since I was a child. This was one of them, now I’m ready to move on to the bigger goals I’ve always dreamed about. I am not sure if I will continue this. I will keep it here for a while, for whenever I’m going through a rough time in life and need to pour it all out. I will keep this here forever for that. This however is the last chapter from talking about the same things over and over again. I realize this became very repetitive. If you read each entry from day one, so many of the same things have been brought up over and over again. I am not going to lie, these are things that were constantly haunting me and things I couldn’t let go of...The struggle was real. The struggle is still real. But I realized it’s not healthy to keep dwelling. To keep reliving each emotion, to keep moving backwards and being so sad about it all. Enough. Leave it all behind.... I’m not sure when I’ll finally fully heal or be at peace. But I do know the first step is to come alive, be grateful for all the hopeful things that have been occurring while this awful year is coming to an end, and stop dwelling on all the awful things that have happened. I am grateful that I have become very spiritual over the past two years. Ever since I stood on the edge of the cliff at the Grand Canyon, my spiritual journey started that day. There were many ups and downs since then, but two years later I feel like I am finally fully getting there. This has been some journey. I reached a new decade this year as well when turning thirty in September. I’m slowly but surely learning to say “no” and not care about being selfish. I slowly but surely am learning to love myself and put myself first which is something I never was able to do. And that also gives me hope. Thanks to all who have been there for me and who have read this. Thanks to those who gave feedback and shared your stories with me as well. I’m not sure if this will continue, for now I’m taking it a day at a time. Peace and love, happy new year! And be safe!
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It's a beautiful life, but I'm not concerned
It's a beautiful dream, but a dream is earned I can dress like a boy, I can dress like a girl Keep your beautiful words, 'cause I'm not concerned 'Cause your world is such a shame 'Cause your world's obsessed with fame 'Cause your world's in so much pain 'Cause your world is 'Cause your world is Up in flames It's a beautiful plan (hmm), but I'm not concerned (oh yeah) It's a beautiful game (hmm) that I never learned People tell me to shut my mouth (shut your mouth) That I might get burned Keep your beautiful lies (hmm) 'cause I'm not concerned 'Cause your world is such a shame 'Cause your world's obsessed with fame 'Cause your world's in so much pain 'Cause your world is 'Cause your world is www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Uagw4zser8 Happy halloween! First full moon on Halloween in 76 years! I decided to dress up as the devil himself for halloween. A scary clown! Can you guess who I was by looking at the above pictures? Imagine a man so sick and obsessed with being a superstar he can do whatever he wants. He can grab women by the pussy, he can run for president, he can treat Americans as if they are his fans. He can become president and destruct and disrupt all of our lives just to feed off of his ego and narcissism.... You know what I find unacceptable? That we have to fight and explain to people why they should absolutely not vote for Trump during this election. It’s just unacceptable. I will not do that. I will not explain to them that this man is vile, evil, racist, and a threat to all of our lives. At this point the issue is that they are just as vile as he is... It becomes a problem when we have to accept the people in our lives who are okay with this type of behavior. They are okay with having a dictator who is only a president for their party but not the entire country. These people helped allow over 200,000 people die. I blame them. I don’t just blame Trump anymore. I blame them too. I blame them because they are selfish just like he is. I understand that he encourages the behavior, the entitlement, the selfishness, the foolishness, and the idiocy. That’s where he needs to be held accountable. But these people are responsible and also should be held accountable for supporting this. It’s on them. It’s on the folks who voted for this and will vote for it again. It’s on the folks who didn’t support him but support him now. It’s on the folks who didn’t vote period or voted third party. Yes, I do blame you third party voters too. I do blame the folks who did not and will not vote. However I’m not as angry with them because I know deep down they want better than the choices that were given. They don’t like Trump and they don’t see a difference in the candidates. However there are major differences between the candidates. And they need to get a grip and come to reality over the fact that we only run on a two party system. So not voting or voting third party only helps one of the two parties actually win. I mean I am exhausted explaining that to these people to the point where they make everything seem hopeless and useless. It’s hard getting to them just like it’s hard getting to Trump supporters. They need to realize the Supreme Court has been on the line. Everything they find corrupt or unjust about our society can only get worse depending on the Supreme Court justices that could be appointed. That is the exact consequence we had to witness during this presidency. We had Brett Kavanaugh appointed as a Supreme Court justice. He was accused of sexual assault and has little to no experience. A conservative who is pro life.... As if we haven’t suffered enough in 2020, of course Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg had to pass away. RIP RBG....Her wishes: “My most fervent wish is that I will not be replaced until a new President is installed”. Her wishes were disrespected and completely ignored by the Republican Party and administration. The phony christians. The same people in 2016 who set a new precedent saying “new justices would not be confirmed in an election year” 237 days before the election when Obama tried to nominate Merrick Garland to be a Supreme Court Justice. Now in 2020 these same republicans confirmed Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court just eight days before an election. This is after over sixty million people have already early voted...This woman is anti abortion and anti LGBT rights. She wants to dismantle the affordable care act and take away healthcare from millions of people during a global deadly pandemic.... This is a disgrace. I can’t accept that people support this. I can’t fathom that people who hate our government so much because of issues just like this refuse to vote or choose to vote third party. They think it sucks on both ends? Well this wouldn’t have happened if Hillary won in 2016 and it will only continue to get worse if Trump wins again....It’s 2020 and we are moving backwards hundreds of years. I am terrified for the future. I shouldn’t have to feel this way, none of us should. I have hated this man for as long as I know. When Obama became president his racism and disgust for Obama became so apparent and that’s why he decided to run for president. America was becoming too black for him. As it was especially becoming too black for his supporters. I hated him so much and knew in my gut what America would look like if he became president. We’d be at each other’s throats, we’d see White supremacists gain power again. We’d see KKK all over the place coming out from hiding. Remember when folks would scare you if you went to certain places saying you can spot the KKK in the most deserted places if you go to those specific locations late at night? Well now they are everywhere in plain sight. In my opinion anyone with A Trump sign or Trump flag on their porch or hanging on their car window, or anyone wearing a MAGA hat might as well have a white hoody on in KKK gear....I knew in my gut this is what America would be. I also worried he’d start wars with Muslim or Asian countries such as China because of how racist and vile he is. Thankfully thus far he hasn’t set off an atomic bomb but there still is time for that. If he loses the election I can see him doing it to be spiteful. If he wins again I can definitely see it happening in the next four years. I knew the Supreme Court was at risk. If he has the power to pick Supreme Court justices not only will it put women’s rights at risk, it would put my rights at risk as a gay man. And people I know think I shouldn’t worry or care cause my rights probably won’t be so much at risk living in New York City. Well I still do care and I still do worry. I knew he wasn’t for the LGBT community. However for whatever sick reason he was able to recruit LGBT members, just like he was able to recruit other oppressed groups. I mean it blows my mind that women support him. It blows my mind that people of color support him. It makes me sick that Kanye West is a Trump supporter and then staged a whole third party run to try and help Trump win. I mean the man is beyond mentally unstable and he shouldn’t be allowed to run for President. Kanye should be in a conservatorship unlike Britney Spears who is still fighting for her freedom. Shit, Trump should be in a conservatorship.... I have to really question why anyone apart of an oppressed group would go against their fellow oppressed people struggling to make it in this society when they know exactly how it feels? Self hatred is real folks. People try so hard to be accepted that they’ll go against their own people, they go against themselves, their own interests, and support something that is so beyond dangerous for them. That’s called “self sabotaging”.... He downplayed the pandemic when it first happened. I already wrote about all of his lies. We are all aware. If you’re a Trump supporter reading this, you are aware and you know you are. Everyone knows it. His own supporters never even denied it. They just made excuses. They believe his stupid lies and excuses that even a three year old would see and comprehend. “He didn’t want us to panic”. “It was so new that no one could’ve handled it better”. “He closed the boarder to China saving millions of lives and Nancy Pelosi tried to stop him”. “We didn’t know how bad it would be”.... Okay......Bull shit. Fucking bull shit. He didn’t close the boarder to China because he cared about the pandemic. He closed it cause he’s racist and kept purposely calling it the “China virus”....Okay so even if it’s solely China’s fault, why didn’t he close ALL the boarders? Why were people still allowed to travel to Europe and all over the world and country back and forth? This was global! I was around people who went to Italy when Italy was hit really bad. I was around people who went to Japan as Japan was really bad and I got sick right after being exposed to them back in March. But sure, just closing the boarder to China was the right thing to do....It saved millions of lives. It was so helpful! Give him a round of applause everybody! There is audio proof of him admitting he knew about how bad the virus would be way before it got here. He admitted he lied on tape. But his supporters are so delusional that when the audio leaked they continued on with these same bull shit excuses.... Okay come early October we find out that he allegedly has the virus. He and his entire administration did not social distance or follow the protocols that the CDC and Dr. Fauci have been pleading with us to follow as things got worse and worse with this pandemic. What did he do? He went to Walter Reed Medical Center and got the best care that the average Joe could not possibly get. When I was sick in March I wasn’t allowed to work for almost a month but also could not get tested for the virus because there weren’t tests. People had to be near death to get tested and nine times out of ten it was too late. He got the best medical care, a cocktail of all kinds of experimental drugs, and was one of the lucky few who had mild symptoms. Many aren’t so fortunate when they get this virus which is what we have been saying since day one. I wrote about this back in March. This is why people needed to stay home. Because one person can have the virus and not even have a single symptom and they can pass it along to someone else and for that next person it can either feel like a small cold, a bad cold, a flu, or worse. It’s random and different for everyone no matter their age, their health status, height, weight, or gender. I have literally cut people off for not following protocols when the pandemic was hit bad. For hanging out in big groups, having big gatherings, and going to parties. People who were close friends. I felt disrespected as a healthcare worker being hands on with this and seeing death every day. I felt disrespected as a human. We have a president encouraging this behavior. Over 220,000 deaths and what was his response when he got the virus? That we should not let it dictate our lives. Since he felt great he was telling Americans, the people that he is the leader of, to stop taking the virus so seriously and was calling for things to reopen...He refused to wear a mask and didn’t care who he would spread the virus to. He refused to do the second debate with Joe Biden since the network wanted to do it virtually to keep everyone safe. The first debate he was a neurotic, arrogant, racist piece of shit who would not let Joe Biden finish one sentence without interrupting. He hardly answered any questions and could not condemn white supremacy when asked to do so. I never in my life hated someone the way I hate Donald Trump. I never in my life wished harm or such awful things to happen to someone as I wish on Donald Trump. I’ve hated him since he ever first ran for president. I’ve hated him when I heard more and more about his past. I’ve hated him ever since I had to literally accept and put up with people in my life supporting him, and that’s what I think I hate about him the most. I take it personal. It hurts. It hurts so much I can’t even explain it. My own family members know I was a first responder and healthcare worker and they will vote for someone who will continue to put my life in danger. My own family members will vote for someone who has a Vice President who is homophobic. They will vote for someone who will nominate Supreme Court justices who can attempt to strip my rights away. They tolerate all this racism and hatred. They deny it. They listen to Fox News and believe socialism is scary and we must not have that here, disregarding that my future may go to shit as I get older and have to live in this nasty world.... Look....I love them. I don’t think they know better, they’re old and just don’t know better. Some are young and just do whatever they were taught and don’t pay attention to the news. But there are no excuses anymore for anyone who will vote for this. However I will tolerate it and put up with it from them because at the end of the day family is family and we can’t choose our family. It still hurts and drives me crazy and I think it is what fuels me to hate Trump the most, but I will always tolerate my family. Friends however, relationships, sorry I will proudly discriminate against you if you are a Trump supporter. If you see my post about politics a while back I wrote about how I learned to tolerate and embrace all Trump supporters. I wrote about how the acceptance of them is important for peace and unity. But I refuse to tolerate them anymore. They don’t want peace and unity. They want division and hate. We are living in a global pandemic. Our country was hit the worst in the entire world cause of this man and I will not tolerate anyone who allows this, accepts it, and makes excuses for it. Sorry, not sorry! I’ve also grown to see the character of some of the people I was friends with that were Trump supporters. They weren’t good people. They weren’t smart people. They believed in conspiracy theories and lies and kept spreading false information amongst each other, to myself, and all over the internet. There is no excuse for that especially during a very serious pandemic. I swear in my gut I know at least one of these people did it on purpose knowing damn well they were spreading lies but for whatever reason they got a kick out of it.... I don’t think we’ve ever been at each other throats or at war with each other like this in modern history. I don’t think this has ever happened before when any other person was president. Not even Bush who was one of the worst presidents ever. We weren’t this angry with each other, we weren’t this hateful. Trump did this. The problem is that Trump uses fear mongering to persuade people to be afraid of human beings but not pandemics. Trump uses fear mongering to get people afraid of immigrants and black people but not a virus that wiped out over 200,000 people under his leadership. Trump most likely staged having covid in my opinion, along with his wife and administration, to try and downplay it and possibly push a new drug he invested in. Trump did this because he knows he messed up and this was the worst part of his presidency that will go down in history. Instead of owning up to it, he decided to continuously downplay it as much as he could, despite how many more lives he was putting at risk... Trump is a criminal and a liar and the most dangerous president we’ve ever had in modern day history. The saddest thing about it is that people we love, people we know, people we care about fall for his antics and support such a vile evil man who is a threat to our lives and a threat to the oppressed. He is fooling them and they can’t even see it no matter how much we try to make them open their eyes and see they are falling for a maniac whose manipulating them with blatant lies. You would think he was so handsome and charming to get such a strong base to back him up. He is causing us to be so divided from those around us in a way we never ever would have expected or seen before. Breaking families and friendships and tarring us apart, having us at war with each other and at each other’s throats. When have we ever been this angry over a president? The debates were a disaster. So undiplomatic. So immature. It’s like watching a real housewives reunion on bravo. Why do people think this is okay? Why do people make excuses for him and blame his opponent when he is the reason the debates are like that? It’s so exhausting trying to figure out how or why this is real life.... I could barley get through the second debate. Hearing him degrade and bring down Cuomo and claiming how bad New York City is. I am confused. Is the virus real or fake? Why was New York City hit bad but we shouldn’t let the virus dictate our lives. Makes sense.... I am sorry, but was he hands on with this virus like I am? Did he see it get from horrific to better like my coworkers did? Man fuck Trump and anyone who agrees with him, especially those who are lucky enough to never have to suffer from PTSD from dealing with covid patients. The constant fear that you may get it and die while you see body after body, slow painful death after slow painful death. I am outraged by the downplay of this and the belittling of a governor who helped get us to a much better place. Andrew Cuomo is a hero. Trump is a villain. Shame on anyone who thinks differently. In 2015-2016 I would constantly post about Trump losing. I felt like he didn’t have a chance. Never in my life have I ever felt so defeated till the day came that he won. It felt like 9/11 all over again. I knew the world would go to shit and everyone thought I was crazy. Look at it now four years later. Need I say more? I just wish I could understand his supporters but at this point it’s nothing more or less than a cult. They praise him like he’s Jesus when they are supposedly Christians. This is what Jesus would support? A man who separates children from their parents coming to this country seeking asylum? And puts them in cages? A racist? A man who downplayed a pandemic that is killing more and more Americans each day and credits himself for being some type of superhero? A man who is pushing to reopen everything during a pandemic without caring about the risks that come with it? They are so naive... They think we are not aware of their crimes. We know, but we are just not ready to act... The storm isn't in the air, it's inside of us. I want to tell you about love and loneliness, but it's getting late now can't you hear outside of your Supreme hoodie, the wind that's beginning to howl? At this point I expect him to win again....Him winning was worse than 9/11 and I just fear life will get worse from here on out and I worry about if I’m going to live or not considering this pandemic and being a front line worker. But I will say this... I’ve become a very spiritual person as you guys know. So as negative and angry as I sound throughout this post, it’s solely because of Trump. As I stated earlier, never in my life have I ever hated anyone like this. And they say to hate someone means you care. And yes I do care. I care about my rights, I care about my friends, I care about this country and he’s an absolute disgrace along with his supporters. If he wins again I know we’ll get through it. We will survive. The future will not be so bright and I don’t know what other destructive things will happen in my lifetime. So far I dealt with 9/11 living blocks away from the World Trade Center. I basically was forced to be disaster relief when hurricane sandy happened and my job was flooded with twenty five feet of water, was underpaid and treated like shit at that while breathing in toxic fumes and sharing PPE with coworkers including masks...Then covid came and hit New York the worst in the entire world and I became a front line worker and had to deal with that.... At this point yes I suffer from PTSD, but whatever life has to throw at me I’m prepared and ready. Including the possibility of Trump winning again. The more family and friends support him the more I will not tolerate it. I will say that. But I am surrounded by people who have brains, who have hearts, and who know a thing or two about empathy. I am white privileged. I grew up pretty okay, yet I was able to empathize with people less fortunate than myself. I had my hardships being gay. I’ve been harassed, bullied, and almost killed several times. I have people in my life who don’t care and will vote for an administration constantly threatening to take my rights away and not treat me like an equal individual. This is part of why I stick to myself and learned to care about myself and love myself in a way no one ever will. I’ve never been understood by family, by the men I’ve chose in life. But I am grateful for my friends who understand me. I don’t think I’d be alive today without them. I pray the world heals and gets better. I pray this virus goes away and we can go back to normal some day. I miss going to concerts. That was always my escape from reality, my favorite escape. I’ve learned to escape through lighting candles, buying crystals, lighting incense and sage, meditation and understanding that everything happens for a reason. All I know is I did my part. I waited three and a half hours on a very long line to vote early. The people on line were beautiful and willing to fight for change. I’ve never seen anything like this in my life. The place to do early voting had a line that went around blocks like a huge circle. I came first thing in the morning and this was the turn out so far in my neighborhood on day ONE! I had hope for once. Every conversation I’ve heard from beautiful people saying the same thing. “More people are voting this year more than ever because they know they need to!” “One guy is starving the country, killing people, will never in his life know what it’s like to be poor. Doesn’t care about the poor.” “He said he was the ‘least racist person in the room’ he was admitting he was racist. He didn’t say he wasn’t racist! That tells me he didn’t even go to school, you don’t know English. Say you ‘ARE NOT RACIST!’ Thank you for admitting what we already knew all along!” There are people legitimately hurting from this presidency. Hurting in a way no other presidency has hurt them before. I waited on the line despite how long it was, despite how many days of early voting there are. I did this because I don’t only care about myself but I care about other people. I care about what Supreme Court justices will be appointed who could possibly strip away my rights and the rights of others. I care about human decency. I voted to help stop hatred, to help stop this horrific pandemic I unfortunately have to work hands on with, I am voting for YOU. Even if you are voting against ME! Go out there and vote it’s the LEAST you can do! And yes everyone had a mask on, I could tell who they were voting for. I hope humanity fixes itself, I hope people learn to find peace and to unite despite their differences. I will not accept Trump supporters because 220,000 deaths fall on them as much as it does on him. But if one day they realize they were wrong I would embrace them with open arms. I deserve better, we all do as Americans. I really hope and pray you vote. If not for yourself then for your fellow Americans who have so much at stake right now. We need people to be less selfish and be more understanding and cooperative during these times, and more importantly be more compassionate....Peace and love! It’s a beautiful life. Death to the patriarchy! Of course I am going to have a blog post on my 30th birthday. What’s funny is after my last post I almost was convinced I was going to stop doing this all together. Maybe I will soon, who knows? As therapeutic as writing has been for me I almost feel like I have nothing left to say. I feel like I’ve said enough and frankly now I’m exhausted.
I think I was trying so hard to move on from my last relationship. I was so hurt and so lost. I was trying so hard to let out everything I was holding in for so long. I let it out over and over again over the past year. Finally in my last post, I really had to own up to where I was at fault, and expose the truths I was holding in this whole time. I explained how vulnerable I’ve been and I think my grandmother’s death made me fall back a little bit. I allowed this person back into my life and in reality it was because I still wanted to be with him and couldn’t close that chapter in my life. I realize now maybe it wasn’t the best decision but I might need one hundred thousand more lessons before I finally learn... I let it all out. Now what? I’m about to be thirty and as I approach a new decade, all I can do is reflect on the last ten years. So many moments I wish I can go back in time and relive. So many moments I wish I can go back in time and change or do differently. So many painful and hurtful events that occurred and lessons I had to learn over and over again. Some I finally learned, some the challenge of learning is still something I face every single day. I’m almost thirty and what have I been doing? Listening to Taylor Swift’s new album Folklore on repeat every single day, it’s relatable as hell for me. I’ve also been exploring the meaning of life and why I’ve been through everything I have by paying close attention to the universe and trying to strongly believe there is a purpose, there is meaning, and that everything happens for a reason. There aren’t enough crystals in the world that I can buy hoping it will help me heal. There aren’t enough candles I will spend a fortune on to light every single night hoping I can finally be happy and move on with my life. There isn’t enough sage in the world I can burn hoping I can get rid of all the negative energy I carry deep within my soul. There is not enough incense in the world I can light and mediate to. But these are things I’ve been doing as I’m getting closer to thirty. Why? Because I can’t be the same hopeless, sad, pessimistic person I was during my twenties and majority of my life. I truly want to change that but it is the biggest challenge I am facing, along with trying to lose weight and look and feel better about myself. Part 1 9-1-1 Turning up emotional faders Keep repeating self-hating phrases I have heard enough of these voices Almost like I have no choice This is biological stasis My mood's shifting to manic places Wish I laughed and kept the good friendships Watch life, here I go again I can't see me cry Can't see me cry ever again I can't see me cry Can't see me cry this is the end My biggest enemy is me Pop a 911 My biggest enemy is me Pop a 911 My biggest enemy is me Ever since day one Pop a 911 Then pop another one Keep my dolls inside diamond boxes Save them till I know I'm gon' drop this Front I've built around me oasis Paradise is in my hand Holding on so tight to this status It's not real but I'll try to grab it Keep myself in beautiful places Paradise is in my hands I can't see me cry Can't see me cry ever again (Ooh) I can't see me cry Can't see me cry this is the end (Ooh) My biggest enemy is me Pop a 911 www.youtube.com/watch?v=58hoktsqk_Q The issue is I am such an emotional being. I feel things with everything in my soul. If I am out with friends having a good time and someone comes to ruin it, I will feel that negative energy so deeply inside, it ruins the whole night and makes me sad. It’s so pathetic how deeply I feel things. I wish it was something I could change about myself. I am trying to find ways to be proud of it and of who I am, but I feel like since I am so sensitive and feel everything so deeply, I’ll never be able to move on with my life and find happiness. My biggest enemy is me To escape the negative thoughts in my mind I have gone through many different unhealthy addictions. Anything I can do to escape my problems. My negative thoughts get the best of me. They run through my mind twenty four seven. I dwell on all the bad and negative things. Sometimes I need to “pop a 9-1-1” to escape my own head... I keep dwelling and thinking about the same situations, the same person, over and over again every single day. I keep thinking about where I was wrong and dwell on it, I keep questioning why would anyone treat me the way I was treated? And I keep dwelling on that. I keep wondering why I miss such a toxic situation and can’t be happy for once since I am free and out of it? Instead I want back in. And it’s all I think about. I wish it would all just stop....Pop a 9-1-1.... Part 2 The 1 I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit Been saying "yes" instead of "no" I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though I hit the ground running each night I hit the Sunday matinee You know the greatest films of all time were never made I guess you never know, never know And if you wanted me, you really should've showed And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow And it's alright now But we were something, don't you think so? Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool And if my wishes came true It would've been you In my defense, I have none For never leaving well enough alone But it would've been fun If you would've been the one I have this dream you're doing cool shit Having adventures on your own You meet some woman on the Internet and take her home We never painted by the numbers, baby But we were making it count You know the greatest loves of all time are over now I guess you never know, never know And it's another day, waking up alone But we were something, don't you think so? Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool And if my wishes came true It would've been you In my defense, I have none For never leaving well enough alone But it would've been fun If you would've been the one Hey, yeah-yeah I persist and resist the temptation to ask you If one thing had been different Would everything be different today? We were something, don't you think so? Rosé flowing with your chosen family And it would've been sweet If it could've been me In my defense, I have none For digging up the grave another time But it would've been fun If you would've been the one www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsZ6tROaVOQ I think the best thing that’s come of all this is that I’ve finally been forced to be my true self. They say we are all basically two people put into one. One person is who we show to the world, who seems happy and has their shit together. The other person is the real you buried deep down, that only you face every single day and you’re scared if anyone will possibly get a glimpse of that person. I’m doing good I’m on some new shit.... My whole life I was scared to be my true self. I put up with cringe worthy forced interactions. I put myself in so many situations I didn’t want to be in and faked my way through all of it. I’ve forced myself to be friends with people I didn’t want to be friends with because I didn’t want to be mean. I said “yes” to so many things I didn’t want to say yes to. I still struggle with this unfortunately, I get anxiety and panic attacks trying to say no to certain things, and what always happens is when I finally say it or tell the truth about how I really feel I end up being an asshole. But slowly but surely I am finally learning to overcome this one thing at least. I put myself through so many uncomfortable situations and so much shit, and for what? I always wanted to please everyone else and would feel pressure and anxiety to ever put myself first. Maybe it was from deep rooted insecurities and I just wanted to be liked? I don’t know anymore because for the most part when it comes to certain things, I truly do not care what people think about me. But I guess once I allow people into my life, I easily get taken advantage of by some because I do too much and struggle with saying “no”... In my last relationship I put up with so many ridiculous things, anyone would’ve thought I was crazy to stay and put up with it. But I felt like his needs were more important than mine and I was scared to express how I truly felt. It wasn’t just with him, but this happened with many friends over the years. I held so much in, dealt with so much, and I constantly had to end so many friendships when it became too much. I feel like I’ve explained more than enough in my posts where I was at fault in these situations and I truly do understand my faults. But this time, I’m not focusing on my faults. I’m validating and focusing on my feelings and the things I need to change about myself in order to hopefully not go through the same things ever again, and especially to hopefully finally be a happier person and move on with my life. When I was a teenager I swore in my twenties I’d have my life set and everything figured out. And for a while in my twenties I thought I did have it all figured out. My twenties had so many amazing moments cause of my past relationship that I can't stop fantasizing about what could've been if we had worked out? Roaring twenties throwing pennies in the pool. And if my wishes came true, it would’ve been you. I thought I was set for life. I had a sexy guy, a home to share with him, and we had the most adorable cat ever. I spoiled him to death and we traveled the world and went to concerts together. It all seemed so perfect. Everyone thought we were perfect. To this day when people find out we broke up, they tell me we were the couple that gave them hope. Who they admired and looked up to. Well sometimes a pretty picture has a lot more to it than just what the eyes can see. If one thing had been different, would everything be different today? I know part of why I settled and put up with all that I did was because I didn’t want to start my life over. Especially when I was near thirty and getting older. I didn’t want to lose him which is true, and something I still struggle with, and I fucking hate that I still am struggling with it. But I also feared having to find that again, find the right one, and have a decent life with someone who will accept me for who I am. Find someone who will show me the love and respect that I deserve... When you are young they assume you know nothing.... Part 3 Cardigan Vintage tee, brand new phone High heels on cobblestones When you are young, they assume you know nothing Sequin smile, black lipstick Sensual politics When you are young, they assume you know nothing But I knew you Dancing in your Levi's Drunk under a streetlight, I I knew you Hand under my sweatshirt Baby kiss it better, right And when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed You put me on and said I was your favorite A friend to all is a friend to none Chase two girls, lose the one When you are young, they assume you know nothing But I knew you Playing hide-and-seek and Giving me your weekends I, I knew you Your heartbeat on the High Line Once in twenty lifetimes, I And when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed You put me on and said I was your favorite To kiss in cars and downtown bars Was all we needed You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleeding 'Cause I knew you Stepping on the last train Marked me like a bloodstain, I I knew you Tried to change the ending Peter losing Wendy I, I knew you Leaving like a father Running like water, I When you are young, they assume you know nothing But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs The smell of smoke would hang around this long 'Cause I knew everything when I was young I knew I'd curse you for the longest time Chasing shadows in the grocery line I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired And you'd be standing in my front porch light And I knew you'd come back to me You'd come back to me And you'd come back to me And you'd come back And when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed You put me on and said I was your favorite www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-a8s8OLBSE The thing is, I’m not afraid to be alone. There’s a lot of guys I could’ve tried to date over the past two years. I guess now I refuse to settle if I’m not feeling the vibe. However, even though I’m not afraid to be alone, I am still human. I want to find a relationship and be with someone for the rest of my life. I want to get married and find the true love I deserve. There I said it. I want to finally know what it feels like to not feel negatively worried and anxious about someone I’m with, but feel happy and confident. I want to be heard and not felt like I’m some crazy person for having the feelings that I have. I was maybe desperate but the love was there because as I said in my last post, I knew I deserved better and wouldn’t have put up with any of it from anyone else. The love was real. When I felt like I wasn’t good enough, sometimes he made me feel good about myself....When I felt like an old cardigan under someone’s bed, you put me on and said I was your favorite.... But I knew him and I knew he was absolutely not good for me at all. I knew every in and out. And I just could not let go for all the wrong reasons. 'Cause I knew you Stepping on the last train Marked me like a bloodstain, I I knew you Tried to change the ending Peter losing Wendy I, I knew you Leaving like a father Running like water, I When you are young, they assume you know nothing My number one goal for this year is to finally move on, make peace with it, and stop dwelling on it all so much. It’s ruining my life at this point and I need it to stop. I need to stop....Stop dwelling on the bad times. Stop dwelling on the good times that made me feel amazing and good about myself that I still miss so much. Stop thinking about it so much to the point where it’s making me miserable. Stop missing someone so much that hurt me in so many ways that doesn’t miss me back, stop allowing it to hurt me to this day and ruin my life....I’m closing the chapter. Finally once and for all. Part 4 Tears Ricochet We gather here We line up weeping in a sunlit room And if I'm on fire You'll be made of ashes, too Even on my worst day Did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me? 'Cause I loved you I swear I loved you 'Til my dying day I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And you're the hero flying around saving face And if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake? Cursing my name Wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet We gather stones Never knowing what they'll mean Some to throw Some to make a diamond ring You know I didn't want to Have to haunt you But what a ghostly scene You wear the same jewels That I gave you As you bury me I didn't have it in myself to go with grace 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake? Cursing my name Wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want Just not home And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones And I still talk to you When I'm screaming at the sky And when you can't sleep at night You hear my stolen lullabies I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same Cursing my name Wishing I stayed You turned into your worst fears And you're tossing out blame Drunk on this pain Crossing out the good years And you're cursing my name Wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWbDJFtHl3w Looking at the full decade of twenty, it is so scary to me how fast it went by. I am sure people older than me say that about life in general. But so much has changed throughout the years that I’m almost scared to enter a new decade. I am praying it all happened to finally bring me to a peaceful point in my life where I get healthy physically and mentally, I make better choices, and I finally fully be myself. I look at a lot of friendships that collapsed out of thin air. In almost each story I was the bad guy. A lot of people hate me, some more than others. It really is somewhat my fault because I did so much and put up with so much shit while holding in my true feelings. It screwed me up because how could I possibly play victim in each story when I let things drag out for so long that when I finally did what was right for me it made me look fake, crazy, and wrong? It was a repeated pattern over and over again. I am not good at speaking up for myself, saying no, and I do too much and go above and beyond. A lot of the people that hate me so much can’t own up to where they were wrong no matter what. They are too self centered and self absorbed. It’s why they couldn’t be there for me the one time I ever needed people. Some of them look at me with disgust when they see me, others have tried to purposely do things just to hurt me... I’m gonna get morbid for a minute...If I had died when I tried to kill myself, from covid, in one way or other, I can almost envision some of my ex friends and my ex still coming to my funeral despite all the pain they had put me through...Some would dance on my grave, some wouldn’t care, some would pretend to care. I didn't have it in myself to go with grace. And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves. You had to kill me but it killed you just the same... I’m glad I’m alive. When you do so much for people for so long and finally worry about yourself, of course you’re going to look bad. I really hope I break this habit. I truly mean well and a lot of it has to do with my insecurities and anxiety blocking me from doing what’s best for me. I feel constant guilt and pressure until I can’t take it anymore. I’m thankful for the few friends I have in my life who understand this about me and don’t ever make me feel bad for it. I am thankful for the few in my life who have my back no matter what. I spent my early twenties having birthday parties where hundreds of people would come. I had meaningless friendships, I can’t even keep track of everyone I used to hangout with. Endless nights of fake IDs, drinking, dancing on tables, and getting in trouble. I don’t know how I found a relationship in the midst of it all. I learned to try and settle down, date someone who wasn’t into partying like I was, and learn to be somewhat boring. We still had a lot of fun. I am thankful for the great moments. The trips I took us on, the concerts, the events, it was almost like living the life of a socialite of New York. It hurts I was the one who gave him all those good times and provided that life for him and I still was treated the way I was despite all that. But it’s something I had to go through with several people unfortunately. I was the one who was dumped after seven years of going above and beyond and giving my all and accepting all the bad things that were happening in the relationship. I was the one who was hated when most friendships ended when I went above and beyond for all of these people. I know when I die one day some of these people will be so happy. I own up to where I was wrong despite all of this, but my god Taylor‘s song “Tears Ricochet” speaks to my soul. Music and concerts are what really made my twenties the best. Every show I went to. I cannot keep count of the amount of times I got to see Lady Gaga. I still hope and dream I get to meet her some day. She’s left on my bucket list to have a meet and greet with. Gaga if you see this, holla! I got to see Britney’s femme fatale tour, then I don’t know how many times I went to Vegas to see her show. I think going to the west coast was the most fun I ever had. I started to dream I can move out there some day. So many of my favorites had Vegas residencies. I would go to Vegas twice a year. And the best was being lucky enough to have two meet and greets with Britney. Special moments of my twenties I’ll always hold on to. Part 5 Ray of Light Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder Do my tears of mourning sink beneath the sun She's got herself a universe gone quickly For the call of thunder threatens everyone And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel Faster than the speeding light she's flying Trying to remember where it all began She's got herself a little piece of heaven Waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel Quicker than a ray of light Quicker than a ray of light Quicker than a ray of light Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder Do my tears of mourning sink beneath the sun She's got herself a universe gone quickly For the call of thunder threatens everyone And I feel Quicker than a ray of light Then gone for Someone else will be there Through the endless years She's got herself a universe She's got herself a universe She's got herself a universe And I feel And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel Quicker than a ray of light she's flying Quicker than a ray of light I'm flying www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3ov9USxVxY Through all the darkness, I have found light through my healing process. I am almost thirty but I feel like I have finally learned all I have needed to in the last decade to get me through the next. I get to heal and finally live the life I deserve and hope to live over the next ten years and every decade moving forward... When I was going through my breakup, the best thing I ever did was take a solo trip to Vegas. I am proud of myself for that. I’ve written about it several times but that will forever be a highlight of my twenties and one of the best trips of my life. Especially when I went to the Grand Canyon and hiked to the edge of a cliff. It was so exhilarating and made me feel so peaceful and free. I started my healing journey there and from there on out I’ve become very spiritual and I hope to get more spiritual with time while I’m still healing, hoping to find peace, and praying to move on with my life. I accomplished living on my own for the last two years of my twenties. That really made me grow up. I have my own apartment. Yes the apartment I used to share which still isn’t easy when it comes to trying to move on. I think that plays a role in making it all so hard, but another goal of mine is to move within the new year. The year of my twenty-ninth birthday I met Madonna and got to speak to her. I saw her in concert on my actual birthday. I honestly had one of the best birthdays ever and I’ll forever be grateful for it. Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder, do my tears of mourning, sink beneath the sun? As horrible as things were these past ten years, I truly can say I lived my best life in my twenties. I did everything most people dream to experience. I am grateful for all of it. The good and the bad. I apologize to those I hurt, I hope some of them own up to where they were wrong too and if not oh well...At this point I need to learn to let it all go. And I’m finally letting go... I’ve become obsessed with the full moons. I promised myself that during each full moon I’ll do a ritual where I write down and say aloud what I wish to let go of. I just started doing this, so I pray the more I do it, the more it will work and help me be able to let go more and more. For my thirtieth birthday I wanted to do a solo trip but covid ruined everything of course. I made some low key plans surrounding my birthday. A weekend in Atlantic City celebrating the last weekend ever of being in my twenties. Dinner with parents the day after my birthday and a 90s themed birthday gathering with a few close friends. In Atlantic City I went to the beach at night in my dressed up clothes. I got to look up into the sky by the ocean and see the stars. You cannot see the stars like that in New York City. I lit sage and prayed to the stars, prayed to the gods. Prayed to the universe. I felt such a spiritual connection I can’t even describe and it was so beautiful, magical, and peaceful. What am I doing on the day of my birthday? Spending it with myself. A lot of different people tried to make plans with me, come up with different things to do, etc. I decided not this year. I’m going to do what makes me happy. I don’t want too much attention this year for my birthday, I don’t want it to be the focus of those who are in my life. Some people think people get upset about their birthday if it’s not perfect. A lot of people seem to automatically assume that about me, and it honestly pisses me off more than anything. Every year is different. I used to have parties with hundreds of people. Some years I have traveled, some I made sure to hang out with any and everyone. To me it also becomes a problem when people make your birthday about them and take away from it being about you. I had a rough year, I had a rough two years. I used to share my birthday with my ex. Last year was our first year apart and I handled it better because I had cut him out of my life and made a lot of plans to distract myself. I was lucky enough to see Madonna on the day of my birthday. It was amazing. This year is the challenge. I let him back in my life, I hit rock bottom in a new way this summer with being very vulnerable, and I wasn’t thinking clearly. But I do think it needed to happen for a reason for me to finally close the door. But with closing the door there’s many things I need to do to have peace of mind and find closure. Entering a new decade I no longer want forced interactions and stress where I don’t need it. I want to finally find myself, better myself, and make peace with everything. I’m doing whatever it takes to get there and I have made peace with the fact that it will take a long time. So I’m spending my birthday with myself. To some that might sound awful and miserable. For me, it’s the best birthday I could’ve asked for. No drama, no stress, no negative energy, a moment with myself celebrating my life and a new decade. I need that moment for myself. I might be insecure and have a lot of problems. But when I was at my lowest I only had myself and I got myself through so much. I am my own best friend, and deep down I love myself. I know I love myself because I literally enjoy doing things alone and with myself. From social events to living alone. Recently I started talking to some guy who told me I’ll be on dating sites “till Jesus comes” because I explained to him that I love my alone time after everything I’ve been through. I told him I do go out on the weekends but I don’t see people on Sunday’s so I can rest and mentally prepare for the week. He judged me, he went off on me, and I just let him babble for as long as he wanted till I got off the phone. I assumed I’d never hear from again, but after two days he texted me and I told him “respectfully, please fuck off”....It felt great. Am I where I imagined I’d be at by thirty? Nope. I still am on a journey of self discovery and healing from all the painful experiences I had to endure. I am single, alone, and trying to figure out why life has had so many hardships for me. However, I am grateful for being alive another year. I made it to a new decade. I might not have my shit together but I have come a long way over the past two years. A little over a year ago I would sit on the floor and drink hard liquor till I would cry and start screaming. Do I still cry sometimes? Yes. Do I still drink too much sometimes? Yes Pop A 9-1-1. But I no longer black out from drinking, I no longer cry as much as I used to, and more importantly I don’t scream anymore. I used to constantly dwell on certain things that happened and I no longer think about those things. I used to let certain things that people did ruin my life. I dwelled on it and thought about it twenty four-seven. I at least no longer think about those things as constantly as I once did. I just still struggle to stop thinking about one person in particular, but I’m getting there. I am proud of my progress and I know it only gets better from here on out. Even if my progress is only ten percent, I am proud of myself regardless. I hope I find love and the type of love I deserve within this new decade. I hope all the memories from my twenties turn into life lessons that no longer hold me back from being happy and being a better person. Life lessons that no longer cause me to self destruct and hurt myself in all ways. Life lessons that stop me from self sabotaging myself....Most importantly I hope I learn to love myself. Part 6 You Learn I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone I recommend walking around naked in your living room Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill) It feels so good (swimming in your stomach) Wait until the dust settles You live you learn You love you learn You cry you learn You lose you learn You bleed you learn You scream you learn I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone I certainly do I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time Feel free Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind) Hold it up (to the rays) You wait and see when the smoke clears You live you learn You love you learn You cry you learn You lose you learn You bleed you learn You scream you learn Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do) Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway) The fire trucks are coming up around the bend You live you learn You love you learn You cry you learn You lose you learn You bleed you learn You scream you learn You grieve you learn You choke you learn You laugh you learn You choose you learn You pray you learn You ask you learn You live you learn www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFW-WfuX2Dk I know life will have a lot more hardships. I’ve seen a lot with these two eyes over the past three decades. I just pray I see less death, less sickness, less pain, and less suffering. I will continue to be on my spiritual journey and will continue to believe in the universe, continue to believe everything has a purpose and everything happens for a reason. I know it’s true. And to me, a new decade means new beginnings, new doors opening, and new hopeful opportunities. I keep dreaming about this beautiful angel who is a tall dark man, he has dreads, but always wears white or doesn’t have a shirt on. He has white feathers all over him, dressed in tribal clothing, and has white tribal makeup on his face. I see him in a field or in the street and I’m always waiting for someone else or lost trying to look for someone but he always appears in these moments. He hugs me, kisses me, and comforts me. I’ve started to dream about him ever since I’ve opened my mind to the spiritual world. I believe I am protected. I come across certain signs, numbers, and white doves when I am not looking for them. I have to say, my last post was true. The signs have been there, especially since my grandmother passed away. I know she also is with me. And this type of protection helps me keep going and moving every single day. I have faith. I’m not religious and never will be. But I have faith. I believe there is a purpose. I’ve learned so much through all the blood, sweat, and tears. I believe I had covid in March, and with my job I was hands on with it and exposed to it every day. I believe I survived through this pandemic so far for a reason. And i am extremely grateful. Peace and love to all, thanks to those who actually take the time to read this. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to continue to do this. But we’ll see, time will tell. I definitely have bigger and better projects up my sleeve that I for sure will accomplish within this new decade of my life...Until next time, namaste.... Part 1 The Rose...
Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need I say love, it is a flower, and you, its only seed It's the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snows Lies the seed, that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose-The Rose Bette Midler www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxvPjuREDpE “Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting, yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free”-The Better Man Project... Vulnerability....I feel like I came out of the womb vulnerable. A young, sensitive soul longing for love and affection from those around him. Most importantly seeking acceptance. Thirty years later, and through the many things I’ve been through, I find myself more vulnerable than ever. The vulnerability is so strong it has caused me to be very self destructive and make horrible decisions throughout my life....Yet it’s a blessing as much as it’s a curse because I always speak my truth and everything that happens occurs because it’s supposed to. When I became single for the first time in years I remember the things my family would tell me to try and make me feel better. The biggest thing I was told over and over again was that I was young, handsome, have a whole life ahead of me, and I will find someone new. I was told this over and over again. The one thing I always struggled with was knowing that I’m handsome or good looking. Low self esteem, insecurities, and suffering from body dysmorphia have clouded my perceptions of myself. Unfortunately these insecurities played a big role in my last relationship. While I was hurting for many reasons that I will always justify that also contributed to my issues, I know there were times I was overly sensitive or overreacted to certain things due to my deep rooted insecurities which were and are ruining my life. One thing I was able to learn over the past two years of being single, is that my family was right about one thing, I can indeed find somebody else. Men are attracted to me despite my flaws, my body, despite the things I hate about myself, men see something in me that most of the time I cannot see within myself or understand no matter how much I try. I think everyone assumed that once I would figure this out I would be happier and feel better about losing the love of my life. I think they thought that once I would realize I can find someone else, I would choose someone and settle and move on with my life. Well it doesn’t work that way.... Part 2 Rain on Me... This has been a shit storm of a year, raining never ending shit coming down on all of us since this pandemic happened. I got sick just as this blew up, I then had to return to work and had to be a front line worker fearing for my life every day, coming home and just crying my eyes out, seeing sickness and death all day every day. I had already struggled the past two years mentally and emotionally trying to move on from things I went though, and just as I was starting to heal and move on, the world decided to start falling apart. As things started to get better with the pandemic and as I wasn’t dealing with it as much at work anymore, my grandmother got sick and passed away. I think that was the hardest thing I had to go through, worse than anything. I was very close to her, it was the first death I experienced where I felt like apart of me had died too. She was sick and suffering for a long time so maybe after already going through everything I had, I just was overly sensitive and couldn’t take it anymore. I almost feel like I don’t have a soul anymore because I’ve become so numb to everything. After dealing with her death, my apartment building decided to raise my rent thirteen percent. I cannot afford this increase. They did this to me knowing I no longer have a roommate and during a pandemic on top of that. So now I have to worry about how I’m going to continue to survive and get by with this unethical rent increase all the while trying to pay other bills and have money for groceries. I am tired. I sometimes feel like I keep losing and like I’ve lost everything. For some reason though I am realizing that through all this pain and suffering, somehow I am winning. The storm has not stopped. It’s like a never ending hurricane. “I’d rather be dry but at least I’m alive”. At this point I’m here for it. I’m ready, rain on me.... Living in a world where no ones innocent, oh but at least we try. Gotta live my truth, not keep it bottled in. So I don’t lose my mind.... www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoAm4om0wTs I didn’t realize there was going to be a storm today. I did not have an umbrella. When I stepped out of work at four pm it was so dark out and windy as hell. The thunder made the streets shake. I was petrified. I found a cafe underneath a scaffolding and I decided to get a kombucha and sit there and try and wait it out. It wasn’t till I realized it wasn’t going to stop for hours that I decided to brave the storm and get soaked in the rain. I instantly played “Rain on Me” by Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande and I danced in the street by myself. I’ve honestly been so stressed and overwhelmed with life between Covid, my grandmother’s death, and other personal life struggles. I’ve tried so hard to stay strong through life’s obstacles which have felt never ending for me the past few years let alone past few months. It’s taken a whole lot of strength to not completely lose myself or spiral backwards and relapse to how I was last year. Being stuck in that rain for some weird reason felt so good. I felt every lyric in that song. I realized I was holding so much in the past two years and I could no longer do that. I needed to speak up before I completely lost my mind. I felt the stress and anxiety of everything leave my body for just a few moments and it felt amazing. Something I felt scared to do and it was as simple as just walking through a rain storm and it ended up being the most exhilarating thing I’ve experienced in months. Which is probably sad since there’s little to no excitement these days. But at least it gave me the strength I needed to speak my truth. Normally I’m scared to take my mask off in public places but there was no one in the streets so I decided to take it off for just a few minutes and breathe it all in. Take in the rainy, wet, fresh air. And it felt amazing. Never realized how good fresh air felt till we had to start wearing masks, even if it’s humid and rainy air. Part 3 Sine From Above Lately, I’ve been on a spiritual path. I light incense every night, sage my apartment, light palo santo and candles, read tarot cards, and meditate. I listen to music to heal my soul. Going through everything I have could’ve gone one of two ways: I hit rock bottom and kill myself, or I find meaning to life and everything I’ve gone through and live.... I’ve been looking for many signs lately through all these hardships and I keep coming across them and I know it’s all for a reason. I believe my grandmother is with me always. I’m just trying to process everything and figure it all out. Trying to figure out what’s right and wrong, should I take risks where I can initially get hurt again? Will I be stronger this time? I’ve come to terms with a lot of things, I’ve realized a lot of things, and I know what I wish, dream, and hope for. Even if in reality it’s not what’s best, it might not happen, and I might get hurt, it still feels right. I think I finally at least figured out what my issue has been all along. This is why I started this blog in the first place. Part of it was to channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw while I chase Mr. Big and talk about the heartache he put me through and single life in my thirties living in New York City. But the main reason for this blog, I’ve said it over and over again... It wasn’t to play victim, be cruel, or get revenge...It was to start a healing process for myself and find closure with why I was so hurt and upset by everything that had happened. Also to have an outlet to remind people to ARREST BREONNA TAYLOR’S MURDERERS... When I was young, I prayed for lighting My mother said it would come and find me I found myself without a prayer I lost my love and no one cared When I was young, I prayed for lightning Yeah, I looked With my face up to the sky But I saw nothing there No, no, nothing there Yeah, I stared While my eyes filled up with tears But there was nothing there No, no, nothing I heard one sine from above I heard one sine from above Then the signal split in two The sound created stars like me and you Before there was love, there was silence I heard one sine And it healed my heart, heard a sine Healed my heart, heard a sine Healed my heart, heard a sine When I was young, I felt immortal And not a day went by without a struggle I lived my days just for the nights I lost myself under the lights When I was young, I felt immortal Yeah, I looked With my face up to the sky But I saw nothing there No, no, nothing there Yeah, I stared While my eyes filled up with tears But there was nothing there No, no, nothing I heard one sine from above I heard one sine from above Then the signal split in two The sound created stars like me and you Before there was love, there was silence I heard one sine And it healed my heart, heard a sine www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9GUJ7Wqy3A When I was young I wanted to be accepted. I was an outcast, I was a nerd who didn’t have many friends and was over four hundred pounds. I hated myself. I used to call myself a monster and I wished I would die. I identified with the book Frankenstein because I felt like the monster in the book who just wanted to be accepted and wanted to be loved... That’s all I cared about. I prayed that someone would look at me, be attracted to me, but also care about me with everything in their soul. “I prayed for lightning” as Gaga sings in her song. I wanted so badly to feel one with the world and feel good about myself. Being overweight and unattractive as a kid into early adulthood, I never thought that could happen. Then I lost weight and felt like I was on top of the world. I felt immortal. I would party till the break of dawn seven nights a week, I hooked up with a lot of guys and went on a lot of dates. But when guys liked me I didn’t understand why. I still felt like that four hundred pound, ugly monster and no matter what I couldn’t get past it. I would obsess over my looks and cry every time I looked in the mirror. Even when I was at my thinnest. I didn’t think I would ever find true love because who would want someone as hideous as me? To suppress those feelings I lived the night life. I drank and partied hard. I drank my sorrows away and danced on tables, danced all night long till the sun would come up. I experimented with drugs and just lived the high life. I went to every club with a fake ID. When I’d walk the streets of New York City, no matter where I would go, I’d always run into someone I knew. “I lived my days just for the nights, I lost myself under the lights”. Life was a party and nothing mattered anymore. Except something always did feel like it was missing... As I was maturing I realized the party life was missing meaning. I still felt empty inside and so alone. Even if I had five hundred friends. Even if I had the looks and guys liked me. Because obviously I didn’t realize I had the looks. But the truth is despite my crazy insecurities, I did have self respect. I didn’t settle for just anyone. When I dated guys it was short lived because the second something didn’t feel right or if they were unkind to me, or I didn’t feel the connection, I ended things right away and easily. I always did this, and I do this even now. For some reason I forgot about that...I think the death of my grandmother brought out the signs I needed that I was looking for. It made me realize so much. I kept looking for a sign for as long as I can remember but here it was right in front of me... I didn’t go through everything I did in my past relationship because I didn’t have self respect. I did have self respect. I didn’t blindly look the other way when things happened that hurt me not because I didn’t love myself. I did love myself. I didn’t take all that I did because of my insecurities, or my mental issues (well possibly yes to the mental issues)... I took it all because I was in love. Not a fake kind of love where someone settles because they don’t want to be alone. Not the fake kind of love where someone is so desperate they will date anyone and just anyone. No this was real, it was pure, it was brought to me from the universe. It wasn’t forced, it happened naturally, it was meant to be. “Then the signal split in two, the sound created stars like me and you”... Initially I met this person (let’s call him “Mr. Big” why not?) online but I had little to no interest. I was twenty years old, I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of life, and I had already tried dating someone for a short period of time who was actually emotionally and physically abusive and I was scared to try it again. It was so easy to cut that abusive person off once they messed things up. I was basically window shopping when it came to men and dating. Sometimes I’d go on more than one date in a single day, never mind how many I went on throughout the week. I was online dating just to chat, and with most guys, I’d give them my number, but never save them in my phone. And it did get that far with my Mr. Big. I had his number but didn’t save him in my phone. I eventually stopped responding to his texts. I truthfully wasn’t interested. I was just...Window shopping... And I forgot about him completely. Till one day, a long while after that, a hot summer day in early August, the universe brought us together and I know that happened for a reason. I was out with friends walking around New York City in the union square area going to movie theaters seeing if there was anything we’d be interested in seeing. It was completely spontaneous. We went to a theatre nearby and there he was, right in front of me. The man I ignored when he tried to get to know me. Mr. Big himself in the flesh.... At first I couldn’t quite figure out where I knew him from, that’s how much I forgot about him, but I knew instantly I was infatuated with him. He looked at me and gave off this energy to me that had me stare at him in shock as if he were a celebrity and I was star struck. As if he were in fact Mr. Big. I turned bright red, my pulse was racing and my heart was beating so fast. My friends saw my reaction and they encouraged me to go up to him. But I couldn’t remember who he was right away plus it looked like he was on a date with someone else. I missed the opportunity to approach him as he walked into the movie theater, but I knew we saw each other. I never thought of it as love at first sight, because I never believed it was possible, I don’t think I realized till now that in fact it may have been just that for me. I was so pathetically scared to go up to him. Later on, I figured out who he was, and thank god I was never the type of person to delete texts, because I had a lot of scrolling to do in my phone to find his number, especially since I didn’t save his name as I didn’t with any of the other boys I was casually talking to. And there he was. I waited hours, something was holding me back and I felt scared, especially since I ghosted him. Especially since I wasn’t sure if he had a boyfriend. But after a few hours, late at night, I texted him and I asked him if it was him and he wrote back immediately as if he were waiting the whole time for me to text him and he confirmed to me that it was him.... He asked me why I didn’t say hi and I told him because it seemed like he was on a date so it felt weird. He told me he was on a date but that it was horrible and immediately asked to go on a date with me. This shocked me because I was scared he would’ve found me unattractive that day. I had on ripped denim shorts, filthy white vans, and a sex pistols t-shirt. I was so grungy and needed a haircut. I swore I looked like a hot mess. I told him I wanted to go on a date with him but wanted to speak on the phone first so that we could get to know each other a little bit. He tried calling me then and there but it was late and I had to work early the next morning so I told him we’d talk the next day. I was twenty years old, but I was still responsible and mature to an extent. Also was just mostly nervous as hell. We spoke on the phone the next day for hours. We hit it off right away and I knew the first date would be a success. However, I was feeling very nervous because I felt like I liked him already. Compared to the other guys, I didn’t think I ever felt this exact way. It took a lot for me to like someone, no matter how good looking they were. I didn’t believe it was possible to like someone so fast either. With this guy, everything was different. I had butterflies in my stomach, I was so excited that it made me scared. I never get nervous for dates but for this I was. I knew I couldn’t sleep with him right away because if I did I would catch feelings even harder, I mean he was gorgeous and I had intense feelings. And I didn’t want to get hurt. So I made up a story and told him I had plans that evening to help a friend move (she already moved the day before) and that I could meet him for a few hours to get a drink. I remember he had on this orange graphic t-shirt and had on jeans, and I just thought he was the most adorable geeky man in the world. I couldn’t believe he was interested in me. I took him to a lesbian bar called Cubby Hole and from there we hit it off and the rest was history.... Part 4 One Thousand Doves... I need you to listen to me, please believe me I'm completely lonely, please don't judge me When your tears are falling, I'll catch them as they fall I need you to listen to me, please don't leave me I'm not perfect yet but I'll keep trying When your tears are falling, I'll catch them as they fall 'Cause inside we are really made the same In life, waiting's just a stupid game Lift me up, give me a start Cause I've been flying with some broken arms Lift me up, just a small nudge And I'll be flying like a thousand doves I'd do anything for you to really see me I am human and visibly bleeding When your smile is shaking, I'll catch you as you fall I cry more than I ever say Each time your love seems to save the day Lift me up, give me a start Cause I've been flying with some broken arms Lift me up, just a small nudge And I'll be flying like a thousand doves www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIq6lpdO-Bw This man made me comfortable to be my most vulnerable self. He was the first guy that when I told him I had the gastric bypass surgery, something I was extremely embarrassed and ashamed about, he held my hand and was so kind about it and made me feel like it was okay. Other guys had shamed me for it. He was the first guy I showed my deepest and darkest side to because he let me. He made me feel like he’d always be there to lift me up when I was down, through all the demons I was battling and my insecurities and with one small nudge, I would fly like one thousand doves. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss that... I don’t believe in anything. I’m not a big believer in god or religion. But through this man I felt a spiritual connection that felt implemented from the universe. I think the feelings scared me so much, that it just made my insecurities worse. Being insecure is like being possessed by a demon. When the demon comes it takes over your whole body. It made me so negative. This is where I was to a degree, in fact crazy. I validate the things that occurred that hurt me. But there are things that did make me crazy. If I didn’t get a text back, if I had to do all the work in terms of communication and making plans, if he didn’t involve me in certain parts of his life, if he left me out of things, had certain friendships with certain people, I jumped to conclusions. Which maybe made it hard for him to properly explain everything. I don’t think I was wrong for my expectations and for feeling bad about most of these things, but I am now able to reevaluate the situations and see maybe where I was wrong with how I handled them. I was so broken because my insecurities got the best of me. It got in the way of our true love and I let it because I did not know how to control it. It truly is a monster. I always thought I looked like a monster in high school, but the truth is, the true monster was the insecurities that were eating me up inside. Because of this he saw the ugliest side of me I will forever be mortified about. Part of the reason he saw it though was because he brought that out of me, the other reason was I didn’t have self control. I thought the most negative thoughts. Anyone would’ve felt lucky to have this type of love in their lives, despite the bad things that I had put up with that most people truthfully would not have, I still know a lot of people would’ve killed to have a love like that. I know I would. This isn’t the type of love that’s in the movies or tv shows. Because life isn’t perfect as we all know. But since I do believe things do happen for a reason, and we came into each other’s lives the way that we did, I truly believe this is the type of love where we were together in past lives. If there are parallel universes out there we are or were together at some point in those other universes. On top of everything we have the same exact birthday, our grandparents have the same birthday, our parents are a day apart, we have the same middle name, what are the odds? The truth is, when we broke up, it was understandable. It needed to happen. Despite how much I loved him, I truly wasn’t happy. It was something I didn’t have the courage to do myself or to face because the love was so strong, I knew if I lost him, I would lose apart of myself. Despite the shit he was putting me through that I’m sure most would say I was crazy to stay or still have these feelings for this person. Sometimes I would go over it in my head over and over again how I would breakup with him. I was so unhappy over many things, and rightfully so. But every time I came close I couldn’t do it. And every time he tried to end things I tried to fix it. He was my soulmate. Sometimes I feel he still might be because everything I feared I would feel when we broke up, I felt it all. I feel it all. To this day. I lost apart of my soul and apart of my heart. He is apart of me and I think despite anything I might just be apart of him. And always will be. This is why it was so hard when I had to face it. I didn’t have a support system when I felt like a piece of my soul had died. “I found myself without a prayer, I lost my love and no one cared”... The things that occurred after we broke up truly sucked. I had lost friendships, I have had many hardships, I was suicidal and completely lost myself. I wrote this Blog because I was holding in a lot of things that were left unsaid. I didn’t have a support system, I didn’t have a shoulder to cry on, I only had myself. I did have my family and my grandma, I will forever be grateful for them. This was part of why losing my grandmother was so hard for me. She always tried to lift me up when this happened. I still didn’t fully open up to them about what I was feeling. Writing has been very healing and therapeutic for me. I’m not sure if the feelings were as strong for him as they were for me. Since the very beginning. He always pushed back from taking the relationship to the next step and letting me fully into his life. He seemed like he wanted his freedom most of the time while being with me. Doing whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted, while struggling to care about how things made me feel. And this caused me to retaliate in the ways that I did. My insecurities will tell me I was under appreciated. Maybe I was. But, even knowing these negative things could happen from the start, I still was infatuated with this man, but I think apart of it had to do with how he made me feel comfortable with myself in ways no one else ever could. He showed me care and love in ways no one else ever did. But I was so traumatized from my childhood, things I’ve been through, I just kept convincing myself that something was wrong and something wasn’t right. For the most part there were things going on that helped play a role in me thinking that which contradicted the good feelings he made me feel. But this was my twin flame. “Simply put, your twin flame is your mirror. It seems that once you’ve reached a certain level of consciousness in life, your soul splits in two, before settling into your physical self. Basically, this means that two of you are wandering planet Earth. The other you is your twin flame and when you cross paths, you immediately feel as if you’re whole again. As your mirror, they reflect back to you your weaknesses but also your greatest strengths. Essentially, their presence usually brings on a lot of personal growth and transformation. There is a place where relationships and personal (and spiritual) growth collide. It is a place where all of you exists, unmasked and exposed, and it craves connection like a caterpillar seeking out the perfect branch to build a cocoon”.-Matt Valentine 3 Subtle Differences Between a Twin Flame and a Life Partner. I feel complete, at ease, and whole when I see this person. To this day...And I do believe apart of why the negative things hurt so much was because maybe in some ways I saw myself in him. Having the same birthday was just a part of it. We were very similar despite how different we were. We both battled some of the same demons that got in the way of us....And a lot of times it felt as if we both wanted to avoid the conflicts by burying our feelings and not communicating and this was the main issue. Because of this, so many things couldn’t be resolved. We each did that in our own ways, which made reading each other very hard. And maybe at the end of the day that’s what hurt us both the most. Our similarities and facing ourselves when facing each other. It’s caused us both to fuck up and hurt each other in many ways....I wonder if all couples experience this? When it was over it was easier to hate him. At first it felt like he died. I was in mourning. So hating him and being angry and cutting him off and keeping him out of my life was the easiest thing to do for my sanity. However the truth is, it wasn’t that he died, it was that apart of me actually died. A part of my soul was gone. I completely lost myself. I blamed myself for everything, I blamed him for everything, I didn’t know who to blame. I was just so angry. I tried going out there and dating again, and as you know it has not been successful for me at all. I learned that yes, men are attracted to me, some even are obsessed with me. I’ve had so many crazy stories with trying to put myself out there again and meeting new guys. A big problem is I think I wasn’t trying to find someone new just because I wanted the excitement and see whose out there. I was trying to replace him, and fill the void of losing him, and fix the hole in my heart. I was trying to come back alive and find me again. And in many ways that was wrong because I ended up being an ass to some of these guys. I finally realized I can no longer wait for this man to make the move and come back to me, but I also should not seriously date or try again till I get completely over this person. But I do think I finally am finding myself at least. “Before there was love there was silence”.... I’m not sure I ever will get over him. It’s been two years and apart of me still feels lost and broken. Apart of me still hoped he’d change and come to me and own up to everything and tell me he wants to try again. I wish I can let go but I am still struggling to do so....When certain hurtful things came to the surface last year I decided to cut him off for good. We had no more contact, and I hardly acknowledged him when I would run into him. At one point recently, I came very close to permanently cutting him out of my life. In his own way he showed me concern when certain things happened from the pandemic to my grandmother passing away. And I felt like I needed him to stop because it was making it harder to let him go and I wanted him to stay out of my life forever. I wrote him several letters asking him to stop and stay out of my life. I kept changing the words in them and finally I had one ready for him, and the moment he was coming to me for it, I changed my mind and tossed it out. Something told me it wasn’t the right thing to do. Was it the universe? My emotions? I just don’t know. But it didn’t feel right so I went with my gut. Not sure if that was the right decision but I had to listen to my intuition. I realized I couldn’t keep him out of my life forever. Because he will always be apart of me. I hate to admit it. I almost hate myself and him for it. But he has my heart and honestly he probably always will. It probably would be stupid to get back together today or tomorrow, because there would need to be some serious remorse and change, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish one day we would be back together. I am not sure if he feels the same way but I am sure he thinks about it. Couples aren’t perfect. Relationships are not like the movies or tv shows. I think the couples who last are the ones who get through things like this, get through “entanglements”, and realize there is enough love to get past it, to heal, and for real change to occur. “There is no such thing as the perfect soulmate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect, you better run as fast as you can in the other direction. Cause your soulmate is the person who pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit.”-Madonna The world feels like it is ending and it truly is an eye opener. It makes all the good that happened in the relationship outweigh the bad, it makes all the hurtful things no longer matter, because at this point I don’t know how much longer I am going to be alive....Is throwing it all away and holding on to anger and being hurt over everything worth it anymore when we don’t know what tomorrow will bring? I can’t live with myself thinking we could die and leave things like this.... Most people I know no longer care about the pandemic. While I have been more open to less restrictions I still feel it’s very real and the idea of a second wave feels very scary. Maybe I just have PTSD from surviving 9/11, hurricane sandy, almost being killed and robbed, and now this. But I don’t understand how many are so over it that it doesn’t affect their lives anymore. Well it affects mine still and this is part of why I am feeling all these emotions that I am. For a long time when we broke up I assumed he was so happy and moved on so fast, while I was so broken and slowly dying inside. Again, that was my insecurities, the monster, getting to me and causing me to have all these assumptions. Things I found and saw happening also contributed to these feelings. But I view it differently now, I know it wasn’t so easy for him. He just isn’t as emotional, sensitive, or wrapped up into feelings as I am, so he perhaps dealt with it better and that’s the real truth. He bettered himself, I put on weight and drank myself to sleep every night while crying like a baby. Those are things I shouldn’t have done but I finally am changing that slowly but surely. I know it wasn’t so easy for him. I know that despite whether he still loves me or not, wants to be with me or not, he still cares about me. I’m not sure how I can have him in my life and just be friends. I am not sure I can handle finding out he is seeing someone else when that day comes. But I do know at least right now, he belongs in my life, and in whatever way that is, I guess time will tell... The truth is I’m incomplete without him in my life. And the universe is telling me, for whatever reason, he needs to be in my life. Whatever role he will play in my life, he needs to be there but he also needs to decide because I won’t put it in all the effort on my own. For now the door is open and the ball is in his court. We got together in the way that we did for a reason. We broke up for a reason and everything that happened afterwards happened for a reason. I couldn’t end things with him completely when I was about to because I felt it in my soul that I shouldn’t. I know that was the universe telling me not to because I was so determined and came so close. I just hope all this pain, hurt, and suffering was worth it. I hope I haven’t completely lost my mind after everything I’ve gone through. I know it was worth it though, those years we were together, but now I’m not sure what the future holds. It’s confusing, it’s scary, I’m sitting here confused as fuck wondering what’s right and wrong, but who can worry about that when it feels like the world is ending while going through so much shit? I know for now, just having him back in my life is comforting, it feels safe, and it feels right. Whatever happens from there I hope is what is supposed to happen and that I will make peace with it. I just pray I fully heal, I fully move on, and I find closure. But I know I am finally getting there and no matter what happens, I will not lose myself in the ways that I have ever again...I forgive everything, I forgive myself. I have to for my own sanity. Everything is so confusing emotionally but what I do know, is that the sun and stars will guide us to whatever paths we are supposed to take. Tryna rain, tryna rain on the thunder
Tell the storm I'm new I'm a wall, come and march on the regular Painting white flags blue Lord forgive me, I've been running Running blind in truth I'ma rain, I'ma rain on this bitter love Tell the sweet I'm new I'm telling these tears, go and fall away, fall away May the last one burn into flames Freedom Freedom I can't move Freedom, cut me loose Singin', freedom Freedom Where are you? 'Cause I need freedom, too I break chains all by myself Won't let my freedom rot in hell Hey! I'ma keep running 'Cause a winner don't quit on themselves So I heard there’s this really crazy movie coming out. A racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, white supremacist is the president of the United States. Along the way he does everything in his power to use fear mongering to get folks all riled up, make them feel immigrants are bad people who should be put in cages, whether they are babies or adults, and puts them in concentration camp like settings. In these powder kegs children are drinking out of toilets and representing themselves in court, even if they’re two, while some are dying due to poor living conditions while being detained. This president in this movie convinces people he’s Christian and uses Jesus’ name to gain support. He is basically a dictator who is narcissistic and constantly shows off all his “accomplishments” because he needs his ass kissed in order to lead the country. His divisive rhetoric tares the country apart. He calls white supremacists “very fine people”.... Four years into this mans presidency, before it ends, a crazy deadly pandemic happens in China that will eventually spread to the rest of the world. He denies it exists and does nothing to prepare for it. Belittles it. Then it comes here and wipes out a big amount of the country and the world. He continuously tries to downplay it without taking responsibility and blaming any and everyone else that he can. He needs his ass kissed to give states the resources they desperately need to fight this pandemic. And despite all this he still has supporters who feed into conspiracy theories and demand the country reopen when we are forced to shut down and social distance. These people protest stay at home orders and he calls them “very good people”. Despite all this happening and the country and world facing enough trouble, as if the pandemic weren’t enough, we have four evil racist cops kill a black man after being accused of using a bad check in a grocery store. They get him in cuffs and one of the cops has him on the concrete ground with his knee on the mans neck shoving his face into the ground. The man is screaming in agony choking to death and the cop does this for ten minutes gleefully while people record him doing it. The three cops with him do nothing about it and just help this man be murdered....The cops lose their jobs but don’t get indicted or charged with murder until massive protests occur in the country and around the world. In this movie this causes mass hysteria and anger throughout the country. People start protesting despite being in the middle of a pandemic. People start rioting and being violent. Guns are being shot in the streets, police cars are set on fire, fireworks go off. Thousands of people are taking the streets. Basically a war starts. Stores and buildings get boarded up to prevent vandalization. The president has military tear gas and shoot peaceful protestors so he can go in front of a church and take a picture holding a bible upside down. He shows off all he’s done for Black people instead of making any type of statement about racism to try and show unity. He threatens military action causing more anger and frustration. His supporters pat him on the back and don’t hold him accountable and believe in more conspiracy theories where they think this all was just a plan to make him look bad and push a vaccine on everyone. It went from hospitals being war zones with patients turning into zombies left and right, to the streets being war zones with rioting and protesting happening. People can’t walk outside without knowing if they’re going to get hit by a bullet, get run over by a cop car driving through crowds, get killed by a cop, or by getting a deadly virus.... This movie will win every award in the world. Critics claim it’s so unbelievable, people were on the edge of their seats the entire time losing their minds, and had nightmares for days after watching it......Except...This is not a movie...It’s real life. And at this point who can decipher what’s real and what’s not anymore? The man who died. His name is George Floyd. He is not the first black person to die in this way. He is not the first person whose name we have to remember. This has been reoccurring since before there were cameras and social media to expose it. But once we had those things what did our country do about it? Absolutely nothing. This has been going on for a good ten years. We had President Obama in the White House trying to take measures to do something about the racism and hatred but being that the house and senate was mostly ran by republicans he kept getting shot down. White people had the audacity to call him racist for trying to fight racism. We have Trump who became president afterwards. When people would peacefully protest the national anthem by kneeling they were nothing but shitted on. The president called them “sons of bitches”....The amount of times they tried to peacefully protest they were silenced. Colin Kapernick was fired from the NFL for starting this movement. And the unjust murders kept reoccurring with nothing being done about it. It got to the point where white people took advantage of the situation, knowing cops could be a deadly threat to blacks, they purposely would call the police on black people over and over again. Accusing them of things that were either lies or overly exaggerated. Doing it on purpose knowing this Black person very well might get killed the second the cops get there.... Fuck them. And fuck the police. I said it and I don’t care. Let me tell you something. I’m ashamed of being white. I’m ashamed of being Italian. I am ashamed. If that causes family or friends to disown me guess what? I do not give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck at all. Italian New Yorkers are the minority in the state of NYC who are republican and are Trump supporters. They are the minority who are racist and ignore these issues. SHAME ON THEM. They forget their own history when their ancestors first came to America and they were treated like people of color. They need to start being allies to Black people and people of color. They need to stop being ignorant uneducated fools, they need to admit when Trump is wrong and get off his baby pacifier dick already. I’ve completely lost my patience. And this isn’t just Italian Americans in New York City. This is all white people who are just like them. Fuck you. People are in pain. They are tired. And you’re belittling them. You’re more concerned about the cops safety and gaslighting the issue. You are racist. I actually understand the rioting. I don’t condone it or wouldn’t participate in it. But I get it....You know why? Because people have tried everything. Every peaceful protest was shitted on. Too many people are being killed left and right unjustly and literally nothing is being done. It’s like the first time ever cops are getting arrested for this and it took all the rioting and violence for Minneapolis to do something. Why is that? Can anyone explain? Instead of condemning the protesters I think people need to start questioning why exactly it’s happening...I think people need to learn to stop being selfish mother fuckers and learn to be empathetic. You want people to be patriotic when the national anthem plays? Fuck patriotism. I think what disgusts me the most are the folks on social media who were silent through all the racism, all the unjust deaths, but feel the need to jump to the defense of police officers. They said nothing about black people facing these constant unjust deaths, they did not bat an eye. But came to the defense of police officers. Misinterpreting the entire situation, making it something it is not. They feel this is a war on police. They feel people are saying “ALL police are bad” and it’s truly nauseating. Nobody is fucking saying that. Not one person is saying that. And it’s unnecessary to come here and start crying about how “not all cops are bad”.... It’s like the people who don’t say anything about mass shootings when they happen but feel the need to inappropriately defend guns and owning guns when children were shot to death in a school. What is wrong with Americans? Why are we like this? And these people call themselves “Christians”. Yes because Jesus would support this type of behavior. Jesus would support a President tear gassing and shooting peaceful protestors in front of their own church, so he can have a photo op holding a bible upside down. Yes Jesus of all people who fought against these things would be okay with this.... I won’t ever explain that there are good cops out there. I won’t ever say they aren’t all bad. Because while those statements are true, they deflect from the point. There are clearly more bad cops than good and this is a serious problem. Maybe if we defund the police and put money towards education and mental health there will be less crime in the streets. The abuse of power and force is the issue and shame on anyone who doesn’t give a fuck about it. Enough is enough. I’m sorry between the pandemic and these protests getting wild and out of control, the world is getting exactly what it deserves right now. Literally. Do I like violent protests? No. Do I like corona virus? No. Do I think all cops are bad? No but fuck the police anyway because there seems to be more bad than good. The good cops need to come forward more and speak out about their shitty coworkers who they know damn well they work with. They need to stop being silent. Stop standing back and watching and doing nothing as your coworker kills someone for no reason. I applaud the cops who do speak out about this. Who do kneel with protestors and who get it. But there aren’t enough of them I’m sorry. This is just sickening and disgusting. Other countries around the world are protesting for us. Risking their lives while facing this pandemic as well. That’s how bad it is here. It’s embarrassing. If this were a movie we are at the part right before people need to flee the country and seek asylum. We are turning into the handmaids tale for real.... I am proud of my coworkers who were front line workers, nurses who became soldiers, who went out and protested against police brutality. They put their lives on the line everyday and decided to fight for this movement. They gave me such inspiration that I felt so riled up to fight against this bull shit and decided to do the same. I honestly hate racism, bigotry, and ignorance more than covid 19. We were forced to be soldiers during covid and we now feel the power within us to go out there and also fight for our black brothers and sisters who have faced oppression for hundreds of years. We had to risk our lives every day being in front of the lines with this virus, as essential workers being on the trains, not being able to social distance at work. So we must risk our lives and join these protests and stand up for our black brothers and sisters, even if it means we are at double risk of getting corona. I went to the protests and I held a sign where one side quoted Madonna’s song “god control”. I wrote “EVERYONE KNOWS THE DAMN TRUTH! OUR NATION LIED, WE’VE LOST RESPECT every day they have a kind of victory. Blood of innocence spread everywhere! They say that we need love but we need more than this!” And underneath I wrote “BLACK LIVES MATTER!”. On the other side I wrote “HEALTHCARE HEROS SUPPORT BLACK LIVES MATTER!” “RACISM AND POLICE BRUTALITY ARE WORSE THAN COVID!” The protests were the highlight of 2020 for me. I needed it. It was the first time I felt unity in years, let alone weeks. There were people of all colors, sexual orientations, and walks of life. It was my first social gathering in months and it brought me out of the darkness I’ve been stuck in for so long. For once in my life I felt hope. I forgot what that felt like. The friends I went with are my family. It felt great to parade around the streets of New York chanting for equal rights screaming “black lives matter”. It felt good to also be educated on systematic racism that has taken place since the thirteenth amendment was implemented in 1865 to keep black people enslaved. It felt good to be educated on what “defund the police” actually means. I really need some of you to educate yourselves. With everything going on in this world I completely forgot that it was pride month. I just want to ask the LGBT community to remember who fought for us. Please remember Marsha P. Johnson, a black trans woman who was brave enough to be a prominent hero during the stone wall riots in 1969... I ask you all to remember this because we have other oppressed groups who we need to stand in solidarity with this year more than ever. We must join forces with the Black Lives Matter movement during these horrific times. I have been almost killed, harassed, and tormented for being gay. However if I keep my mouth shut and don’t wear certain clothes I can hide it. I shouldn’t ever have to hide it but I can. Black people cannot hide being black. They cannot pretend to be something they are not. We must stand with them as they face these unjust deaths. I put these things on my dating profile on grindr and some racist asshole actually came to me and said I am a disgrace to my family because of my stance on black lives matter. He said I only care because I like black dick in my mouth and how ten white policemen died under Obama and no one cared. He also told me black people don’t care about me. Well fuck him because some of the only people who ever actually cared about me were black. Shame on him, a gay person of all people should know better. I will call you out on both your silence and your racism. I want pride month to be exclusive this year to any and everyone who has struggled with being proud of who they are. Please, despite the unjust killings, unjust pandemic, unjust world, please be proud of who you are. And be proud of any oppressed group who also may have struggled to be who they are in this society due to ignorant hateful people we have to walk amongst in this world. We must all stand up together. We must rise up above it all! To quote Madonna’s “I Rise”: Freedoms what you choose to do with what’s been done to you. No one can hurt you now unless you allow them to! If there is no justice there will be no peace. If there is no justice there will be no rest. We need healing in this world but first we need change. I want to see change in my life time. I don’t want to see innocent children and adults keep dying cause of the color of their skin. Being black isn’t a disease like covid. Being black is beautiful and people are just jealous! Black lives matter! RIP to my grandma.... Songs that Inspired post: Freedom Beyoncé: www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhgmvXQJbbk God Control Madonna: www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv-sdTOw5cs Every night, before I close my eyes
I say a little prayer that you'll have mercy on me Please dear God, to live inside the divine Not like I want to die Teach me to forgive myself Outlive this hell Is it really love if it hurts? Is it really pain if it's inside? On the outside, I'm strong Hold my hand, please sympathize Hard enough tryna forgive Hard 'nough tryna live Please don't criticize, yeah Please, please sympathize, yeah Somebody to teach me to love Somebody to help me rise above I need to survive I'm looking for.... Sometimes I feel myself praying for redemption. I pray that I will be forgiven for all the mistakes I’ve made, bad choices, and fuck ups. I’ve come to the realization that karma has not worked out in my favor. I feel like I’m being punished for everything I’ve done wrong over the years. I mean we all make mistakes, we are all human, right? But these past few years have had little to no relief for me, and I’m really exhausted. Mentally and physically. I am an asshole. I don’t think I was before everything that happened to me. But I’ve become an asshole. I don’t reach out to people that much anymore, I don’t care to talk to anyone, I am a loner and I only enjoy spending time with myself. I think it’s because I’ve been hurt by so many people and I’ve gone through so many friendships throughout my life that I currently don’t feel the need to interact with anyone, socially or romantically. This has been going on for quite some time for me which is why it’s been so easy for me to social distance throughout this pandemic. It’s difficult for folks to comprehend why it’s so important for people to stay home and stick to themselves during this situation but for me it comes so easy. I don’t need to see friends or family constantly. I don’t need a significant other to get through life. Maybe it’s sad and pathetic but I’m content being this way. What I’m more upset about is the things I’ve had planned to do by myself this year that won’t happen. I was supposed to see Alanis Morissette in concert for the first time, already got postponed for next year. I was supposed to see Janet Jackson, and Lady Gaga as an early birthday celebration in August being that I turn 30 in September. And hopefully was going to take a solo trip for my birthday. These things aren’t happening and I’m bummed but I am happy to be alive at least. To survive while working hands on with this virus and being sick back when it started. For that I am grateful. But my point is, I like to do things alone and I’ve become such a loner. Does anyone else relate? Recently I made the mistake of getting somewhat romantically involved with someone I met online. He was handsome and tall, Latino guy with a thick Staten Island accent. I thought he was cool and as usual, I was in shock that he was interested in me. That happens every time an attractive guy is into me. I always am in disbelief or want to know what it is they want from me exactly. Self esteem issues much? Well it seemed he was starting to get intense feelings for me right away. And I was iffy about it and felt weird but I really wanted to give him a chance and get to know him and I figured maybe it’s was not so bad. It’s about time I move on with my life anyway and have something exciting happen in the middle of all this darkness. Unfortunately for my liking he did too much. He called me constantly keeping me up late when I have a stressful exhausting job (well that’s my fault for allowing it not his). He was calling our FaceTime interactions “dates”...He has literally 100 friends, no lie, he listed every single one of them to me by name. I used to have that many friends when I was younger but now my circle is so small that one hundred friends sounds intense to me. He told me he told every single one of them about me. Showed them my picture and talked all about me. I fucked up here. Because I should have been honest and told him that I wasn’t okay with that, but I didn’t. I did tell him I wouldn’t show his picture or say too much about him to my friends until I knew for sure we’d be going somewhere. But I did tell him the very few friends I did mention him to so that just lead him on a little bit I guess. But from there I was starting to feel turned off for many reasons. He told me his friends asked all types of questions about me, for example “can he chop wood?”...I was confused by why they would ask that but the more he spoke about them the more I realized what he meant. They were questioning my masculinity, they wanted me to prove to them how manly I am. And I guess he wanted to know too....He basically told me they’d probably test me out to make sure I fit the standards of being a man that they felt would be a good match for their friend. That was a turn off for me. I am not the most flamboyant nor am I the most masculine. What has always annoyed me though is the amount of times I make friends with people and they feel the need to bring up how they feel that I’m not like most gay guys, they didn’t know I was gay at first, and they feel they are complementing me by comparing me to other gays and letting me know I’m not like those other gays. I hate that because it’s homophobic. Point blank. But it’s something I’ve grown to accept because it’s been said to me basically my entire life and I’m over it. But I am obsessed with pop culture, Britney Spears, Madonna, Lady Gaga, and Beyoncé. I go to pop concerts several times a year and travel the world for these bitches. I am still as gay as can be, and no I cannot chop wood, nor do I ever want to chop wood. And if I did know how to chop wood it wouldn’t make me anymore of a “man” or any less....So fucking stupid. But of course....I didn’t say any of this to him. I just said “I don’t care and I have nothing to prove. I’m not scared of your friends”. But I can tell he wanted me to be manlier than I am. He hates Britney Spears ::GASP:: how anyone can hate her I don’t know. I mean it’s not a deal breaker for me if I meet a guy and he’s not a fan. But he didn’t seem to like that I was a fan. Like I’d joke and say for my birthday or Christmas I would want something Britney related and he was like “hell no” he was serious. And I couldn’t help but feel like he’d be happier if I asked for a tool box, an ax, hammer, or a gun. I don’t care about presents, but I do care about my significant other supporting my interests and being accepting of them. He also is an intense gamer and kept pushing gaming on me. Trying to make me feel like we have to play together and we’ll keep trying games till I find one I like and he’ll teach me how to play them right. Despite how many times I said I was not interested he was trying to push this on me. I basically was starting to feel like there was no connection. Just somewhat of an attraction but nothing beyond that. And the more he was telling me about his day the more I realized he was breaking the rules and not social distancing. At first he made me feel he was taking it very seriously. He made me feel like he understood, because he knew my job description and my stance on the importance of social distancing. Then he tells me he’s hanging with friends every single day. Going to their houses, cooking together, drinking, basically not following social distancing at all. At this point I just am numb to people’s selfishness and stupidity. Because you can’t change stupid or get people to comprehend. Then he told me he didn’t care and that we were gonna meet and he was going to kiss me. He was very pushy about it. At one point I liked fantasizing with him about cuddling, hugging, and kissing. I’ve had an intense past few months and each day it gets worse and keeping it real, yes I’m a loner, but lately I’ve really needed a fucking hug. Like a really good hug. And I haven’t had one since my ex and I broke up. I forgot what a good hug feels like. But I’ve been going through hell and I really need one, and just talking about it felt nice. But I guess that lead him on even more. So he basically was trying to quarantine and chill I guess. Even though I’m terrified for my health every single day now. He also was confused about why people need to wear masks. Anytime he let something slip that sounded uneducated and ignorant and I explained it to him he would pretend like he understood but kept doing whatever he was doing. I just felt done. But as usual mentally I start to think it’s more mean to cut someone off and end things than tell the truth. Because the guilt eats me up alive. But just like with every single guy I was talking to over the past year and a half, I did just that. I cut him off and ended it. I’m better off alone. I’m still not over what I’ve been through. I keep trying to force myself to be, and every time I come close to it and feel fine, something happens in life that triggers me and I relapse. I also am awful at expressing my feelings. I hold everything in and it’s done more damage than good for me. I constantly battle with validating my feelings and get panic attacks about coming off as crazy. It’s a struggle with any and every situation. As Alanis Morissette sings in her new song, “these are the reasons I drink”. “These are the reasons I pretend I am fine even though I am not”. But no matter what, I “keep on smiling”. Because I can’t let my misery get me down... This is a life of extremes Both sides are slippery and enticing These are my places off the rails And this, my loose recollection of a falling I barely remember who I failed I was just trying to keep it together This is my first wave of my white flag This is the sound of me hitting bottom This my surrender, if that's what you call it In the anatomy of my crash And I keep on smiling Keep on moving Can't stand still Me, the notorious bottom dweller Me, the ceiling-less brave explorer Lured to the ends of overwhelm This is my first wave of the white flag This is the sound of me hitting bottom This my surrender, if that's what I call it In the anatomy of my crash And I keep on smiling Keep on moving Can't stand still I just keep fake smiling all day every day. I put on a show to act like I’m fine. It’s the only way I can do my job and have a life.... I’m not sure what it will take for me to get closure. It does not help that life keeps having its downs more than its ups. I mean this pandemic is truly a nightmare, it’s something that is ruining all of our lives. And it’s made me more vulnerable and sad and hurt. It’s difficult having to see certain people at work, they are the exact reminders of the pain and hurt I’m trying to move on from. But yet I “keep on smiling”.... I’m literally gonna be like Ariana Grande and just say “fuck it” and scream from the mountain tops “FUCK A FAKE SMILE” cause as she stated in the song, she’s been through way too much, so why bother faking it anymore? The song is seriously an anthem to people who no longer care about how they come off. But when I do have my days where I can’t fake it and I want to stick to myself, people don’t respect it, instead they want to know what’s wrong and will keep asking till I tell them. But sometimes I don’t want to hear advice that will only make me feel worse, so that’s why I make myself keep on smiling.... As I stated, I have a serious issue of needing my feelings to be validated. And I think the biggest struggle I have with everything is knowing my feelings with everything that happened will never ever be validated. I’ll always be the crazy one and the bad guy. I’ll always be insane and nuts. It’s made me lose myself entirely. I don’t want to be involved with people, I don’t care to have friends, I get annoyed and overly sensitive easily, which have always been major flaws of mine but it’s worse now if it’s possible. I’m constantly on defense mode even if people are playing around or joking with me. And of course the more defensive I get the more they’ll push my buttons. I wish I knew how to cope with my feelings better. I guess I keep day dreaming of the people that hurt me coming to me and apologizing and meaning it. Coming to me and saying they fucked up and that I’m not crazy. I fantasize that they admit that if they cared about me they would’ve taken my feelings into consideration and that they know that they messed up. I’m not saying I want this because I want to be friends with them. I just want to find closure. No matter how much I try and look for it I never can get it. And as usual as I type this out I have to question myself. Am I playing victim? Am I actually crazy? Should I have spoke out instead of cutting them out? Is it my fault? I am sure if I wanted to be the first person to try and reach out some would agree to make peace. I’m sure some would ignore me. The problem with all of this is that when they were hurting me I chose to not speak up. Now I’m holding in all this pain and hurt that I’m worried I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I guess I wrote this blog to release everything I’ve been holding in. It will forever break my heart that I couldn’t have a talk with my ex about all of this. It will forever break my heart that so many things were left unsaid after so many years. It will kill me inside for as long as it takes to move on. But I was tired of being ignored and feeling like I was a psychopath. Mentally I could not handle that anymore. I knew just letting go and cutting off was better for me than trying to say anything or trying to salvage anything. I had to break the toxic cycle, but sadly it still does kill me inside sometimes. Most times... The thing is, I usually don’t ever have pride, but with this I do. I’ve been put through too much and I refuse to be the first person. I guess my problem is I need to accept the fact that these people think I’m crazy and don’t feel an ounce of remorse for everything that happened. Through this though I’m the one feeling remorse. I’ve decided I need to learn to stop looking for remorse from people who hurt me, to stop fantasizing about situations that will never happen. To accept things that occurred almost two years ago now. And move on with my life. I feel remorse for letting this drag out as long as I did. I feel remorse for drinking so much, over eating to cope with the pain, and making all kinds of terrible mistakes to try and deal with everything. “Here are the reasons I eat. Reasons I feel everything so deeply when I’m not medicated”....I feel remorse for feeling embarrassed about how I look, every time I see these people I feel like I look like shit and I dwell on that. I feel remorse for not doing the right things in order to better my life yet complaining and being miserable about it. I keep begging for forgiveness from god and the universe. For all the stupid things I’ve done, all the stupid things I do, and the things I struggle to change. People literally joke on my weight and the food I eat and I’m almost 30 years old. This has been a battle since I was a kid. I used to want to kill myself when I was a child and was tormented for being overweight. And even though we are adults now, when people do it to me now it’s very triggering. But I try to laugh it off and pretend like it doesn’t affect me, especially since I’m doing nothing to change it, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to be thin or skinny for people to respect me. I’m just so over this world and this is part of why I social distance. I just feel like I’m looking for mercy from God. As Madonna sings on her album Madame X: Every night, before I close my eyes I say a little prayer that you'll have mercy on me Please dear God, to live inside the divine Not like I want to die Teach me to forgive myself Outlive this hell Is it really faith if I'm weak? Can you tell the truth when you live lies? I'm just looking for the signs Hold my hand, please sympathize Hard enough tryna forgive Hard 'nough tryna live Flawed, flawed by design, yeah Please, please sympathize Somebody to teach me to love Somebody to help me rise above I need to survive I'm looking for (looking for, looking for, looking for, looking for) mercy I think this song fits my life perfectly and speaks to my soul. I’ve been struggling to forgive myself, to forgive others, to accept what others did, to accept things I’ve done. I want to be loved, I want to be accepted for who I am. At this point I’m looking for mercy. Is it from those who hurt me? Yes. But more importantly from god and the universe. To guide me through the pain and suffering I’ve been enduring the past few years and throughout my life. To help me be strong through this pandemic and finally move on from the past. I’m alive after all and so is everyone I care about, and I’m trying to be grateful and hopeful but it’s oh so hard right now. The constant fear is getting to me mentally. I clearly keep looking for love to realize I’m not quite ready for it. I don’t think I ever will be till I move on from the past. I keep giving the wrong guys chances and then I become the asshole when I realize they aren’t a good match for me. I’d rather spend my Saturday nights at home alone not talking to a single person all day and night. Blast music, light incense, put on my essential oil diffuser, and enjoy some alone time with wine. Putting effort into men and relationships has become a job when it should be fun and exciting. I will continue to reflect, write, cope through all this darkness. I think this pandemic has just set me back. The world is beyond scary right now. I don’t know when it will ever be normal again. I am truly scared it never will be the same. That all the things I love to do won’t ever happen again in my lifetime. People keep calling this the “new norm” and it kills me to even think it possibly could be.... I am trying to just mentally hang on and I think it’s definitely playing a role in all these feelings I’ve had. I’m sure almost every human feels the same way right now. This is my way of dealing with it. I write about it, I listen to music, I use songs that inspire my posts, and that’s my healing mechanism. Until I finally learn to better myself and make changes, this is one way I deal with everything without going off the deep end. What is yours? Stay safe folks. Songs to go with post: Madonna Looking For Mercy www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMG6HVRd8lA Alanis Morissette Reasons I Drink www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWHpIP1-kUI Alanis Morissette Smiling https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4La1o-lwGb0 Ariana Grande Fuck A Fake Smile www.youtube.com/watch?v=rx0ClyaN3Ww Not everyone is coming to the future
Not everyone is learning from the past Not everyone can come into the future Not everyone that's here is gonna last Not everyone is coming to the future Not everyone is coming from the past Not everyone can come into the future Not everyone that's here is gonna last I am tired of this. I am beyond over this. And I am sure almost every person with a brain feels the same way. For me I’m not sure what upsets me more, the virus itself or how irresponsible people are being because of it. I’m not sure what upsets me more, the virus or Donald Trump and his supporters.... People are actually protesting. They are protesting. I am giving up on this country. Healthcare workers risk their lives enough being exposed to this every single day. And now they are risking their lives even more by having to stand up against these protestors. I am sorry but if you think this is okay I want nothing to do with you. I have no shame in saying that. If you are reading this and feel the economy is more important than this situation and your selfish material life matters more than this situation, honestly fuck you and cut me out of your life. We are going through hell at work. It’s a war zone. We are seeing sick patients all day every day and body after body. We have to see this, try not to cry constantly and also fear for our health on top of it. But people that don’t experience it themselves or that haven’t gotten sick or have a loved one who got sick are so disgustingly selfish to understand this. How come we don’t hear about people protesting and taking the streets in other countries? Are they doing this in Italy? I am so fucking over this country and the stupidity and I am sorry but with all I’ve been going through I am beyond ashamed and disgusted to be associated with anyone who has this embarrassing moronic mindset that makes us all look like fools in this country. Why should us people with brains all suffer because of you idiots? I can’t take it anymore. I have gone back to work after being sick, and everything I see with my own eyes is heartbreaking. You have to really have thick skin to be able to work in the health field. I’ve always had thick skin but obviously I do have a soul and my heart is not made of stone. So I am allowed to say how tough this all is. I am angry. I am infuriated. My anxiety levels are higher than ever if it’s possible and I have gone through a whole lot in life. I have gone through a whole lot the past two years. I sit here constantly wondering when am I going to finally catch a break? I am trying to not breakdown or lose myself but it’s hard with everything I’ve already been through and now I have to fear for my safety and my health every single day. I give Cuomo credit because he has been doing a phenomenal job, better than our loser president. He begs and pleads with this man to give us the resources that we need, it should not have to be that way. I don’t understand how people don’t realize it or actually think it’s okay. We still have lack of testing. We now have this antibody test which I was able to get. At least it’s something but it came out negative for me. The doctor explained to me that this doesn’t mean I didn’t have the virus. It could mean several different things. It could mean I didn’t have the antibodies to fight off the virus if I had it. It could mean I got the blood test too soon. Or it could mean that I never had the virus. The most accurate test would’ve been the actual Covid test and I should have gotten it when I was sick, but I’ll never know for sure. Fuck you Donald Trump, I am not even going to say what I wish would happen to him for the world to see. But trust me, I feel it in my gut. I’ve never hated someone so much in my life. But I am more disgusted by the fact that people support him. And each time someone in my life supports him, this is why it becomes personal. I am trying really hard to get it together. I went through a painful breakup, I went through friendships ending with people who should’ve been life long friends, and betrayals when I was at my lowest. I survived the worst depression of my life. And as I was finally healing and getting through it then this had to happen. Another test, another thing to challenge my strength and my mental health. Before all this, the only thing that was going well for me was my job. I worked my way to a great position and I was so happy for the most part. Now my job is the most nerve wracking, physically exhausting, and mentally draining thing I am dealing with. It doesn’t help that some of the people I’ve cut out of my life work there too and now I have to face them on top of everything else I am dealing with over there. It’s hell on earth for me. Literal hell between the people I have to see, the deaths, the illness, the exhaustion, and the fear of getting sick every single day. I am either experiencing exposure so close that it scares me constantly that I will end up the next patient whose on a ventilator for weeks before my body is put in a freezer truck. Or I am trying to not cry in a corner. Or I feel like I am going to faint from wearing two masks and carrying and lifting heavy boxes and carts filled with supplies throughout the hospital. Madonna has a song on her Madame X album called Batuka. Batuka is a song going against oppression and having hope for better days. In the music video it explains where Batuka came from: “Batuque is a style of music created by women that originated in Cape Verde, some say the birth place of slave trade. The drums were condemned by the church and taken away from the slaves because it was considered an act of rebellion. The women continued their singing and dancing and the Batuque lives on today”. We are not slaves at work. Our situation should never ever be compared to slavery. But I felt the power and meaning of the lyrics and chants in the song. We are like soldiers fighting this battle. This virus feels like it’s oppressing everyone. And obviously it is. We all have lost so many freedoms we have had and it’s causing so much pain. In a way I can understand why people are losing their minds and protesting. When your freedoms are taken away from you it can drive you crazy. It should definitely open peoples minds to what black people have been through in American history from slavery to today. I literally envision my team and I singing and chanting the lyrics to Batuka throughout the day each time we are doing something grueling and exhausting. Each time we are putting our lives at risk and trying to get through it. I sing the song in my head over and over again and it actually gets me through the day. Lord have Mercy (Lord have Mercy) Things have got to change (things have got to change) There's a storm ahead (there's a storm ahead) I hear the wind blowing (I hear the wind blowing) Let me catch my breath (let me catch my breath) Will we win this race? (Will we win this race?) Swear the road is long (swear the road is long) And the highway listens (and the highway listens) 'Cause it's a long way ('cause it's a long way) It's a long way (it's a long way) 'Cause it's a long day ('cause it's a long day) It's a long day (it's a long day) I was up all night I said a little prayer Get that old man Put him in a jail Where he can't stop us (where he can't stop us) Where he can't hurt us (where he can't hurt us) We will stand tall (we will stand tall) Underneath this tree (underneath this tree) 'Cause it's a 'Cause it's a long way ('cause it's a long way) It's a long way (it's a long way) 'Cause it's a long day ('cause it's a long day) It's a long day But when we can stop it all (but when we can stop it all) In the right way (in the right way) Will we stand together? (Will we stand together?) It's a new day (it's a new day) So don't judge a human (so don't judge a human) 'Til you're in their shoes ('til you're in their shoes) If you have a dream (if you have a dream) Then you can't stop us (then you can't stop us) Sing, "Hallelujah" (sing, "Hallelujah") Say, "Amen" (say, "Amen") Sing, "Hallelujah" (sing, "Hallelujah") And say, "Amen" (and say, "Amen") The part where she talks about the “old man” and says “put him in the jail” I am picturing Donald Trump. I never signed up to be a soldier. It is not who I am. But a good friend of mine told me she’s always seen me as a soldier in a way. Because I’ve always been the person people would flock to for advice or for venting. I always put my problems to the side and put everyone else’s above mine. That sure did end up slapping me in the face so I don’t do that so much anymore. But here I am now, constantly putting my safety to the side as long as my coworkers who are older or have health conditions can stay safe. As long as patients can get better. I don’t want a medal or an award for this. I am admitting that although I am this type of person, this is not what I signed up for. And each night I lose sleep, and keep waking up in a panic throughout the night, and then have to battle my anxiety throughout the day to stay strong and make it through the day. I do this because I care about my coworkers, I care about my job, and I care about fighting to make this better in anyway that I possibly can. I will need a vacation after this. A big shout out to the women and older women I work with breaking their backs right now. They are working so incredibly hard through all their pain and exhaustion. If anyone deserves a medal it’s them. If anyone should be considered super heroes it’s absolutely them. I shaved my head. I can’t believe I did it myself, and at first it was very blotchy. I fixed it and it doesn’t look too bad. My hair was a mess and making me sweat and suffocate even more than I already do at work and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I shaved my head, now I look like a soldier for real. What’s crazy is as I put this story out there and my experience, someone will read it and think I am making this up. I’ve been pleading on dating sites for guys to stop meeting and hooking up. It’s truly disturbing how many guys profiles still say they are looking for sex or the amount of guys who have hit me up looking to hook up. I was really coming for the gay community over this but a lot of my girlfriends have told me they have been experiencing the same things. One guy called me a “manipulator” and that I am a liar, and coronavirus is not real. He said it’s the 5G network killing people. Sure....That totally wasn’t a knife in the back along with the amount of other knives that are in it due to this pandemic. Thank you sir. One guy messaged me asking if we would be safe if we had masks on while fucking. And another yelled at me and said he was already tested and it came out negative so he can do whatever he wants. I wonder if they think wearing a mask would prevent HIV if they have raw sex? I wonder if they think if they get tested negative for HIV they can fuck whoever they want raw.... Another guy whose in an open relationship hit me up looking for sex. I went off on him and told him how selfish he is and irresponsible for looking for sex right now when he is in a relationship. His response: “fuck that”.... Then some guy came at me and told me this isn’t real. I am more likely to get the virus because of my weight and how fat I am and sent me a fake news article demanding I read it. People are so selfish that they will go above and beyond to embarrass themselves with this situation because they can’t keep their dicks in their pants. They are degrading and going off on a healthcare worker because they want the right to hookup with strangers and have sex. I hate humans and I am hating American humans more and more each fucking day. Listen, I’ve been social distancing long before this pandemic, and maybe that’s why it’s so easy for me to follow the rules. Over the past few years I’ve cut so many people out of my life and have been spending time with mostly myself. But if people can’t follow the rules because they don’t want to believe this is real, or they will lose their minds being stuck at home, or no matter what the reason is, it’s truly selfish. I get that it’s not easy, but staying home is the most important thing humans can do right now, and clearly it’s asking for too much. I have friends I see hanging out in groups and posting it in their Instagram stories. To me that’s a slap in the face with everything I am going through. People refuse to understand that the most vicious thing about the virus that makes it so hard to comprehend is that one person can have it and not have a single symptom. That person can pass it along to someone else who thinks it’s just a cold or flu like and then that person will pass it to someone who will end up in the hospital and possibly die. This virus is so vicious with the spreading because so many have it and don’t even know it. It affects everyone differently no matter what their age is. So it’s selfish to not understand this. And this goes to the folks protesting or in a rush to reopen the economy. I mean what do they think is gonna happen when more people get sick and the numbers go back up? It’ll only prolong the economy being fucked and will only lead us to a great depression. Why does the economy matter more than human life? They don’t even realize their putting their own lives at risk. This is Darwinism happening before our very eyes folks. Again I’ve had it, and I will most likely social distance for the rest of my life. I don’t even want to date anyone after this at this point. Madonna has another song on Madame X called “future”. I chose to use the lyrics to open up this post with. Read top of post to refer to them. She also sings: You ain't woke Come here woke and hear the broken Come give hope, come give life Only get one, so we gotta live it right (gotta live it right) Come make peace, oh Come with faith and inspiration Come complete you Advice, positive vibes (positive vibes) Open your mind (open your mind) Open your eyes (open your eyes) In order to get through this we need unity. Kind of like we had during 9/11 except we didn’t have an evil dictator dividing all of us back then. Although we still had a moron running the country but I would take him back in a heartbeat over this fucker. But we need to learn from the past in order to make it into the future. I mean there were other pandemics in history, it is beyond shameful people are trying to rewrite history over and over again with their stupidity. Again this is Darwinism though, so if people want to make it to the future they better learn from it. And if people don’t like what I have to say: We can light up the dark, everyone has a spark Don't tell me to stop 'cause you said so (oh, yeah) Your future is bright (bright), just don't turn off the light (lights) Tell the sun not to shine (bright) 'cause you said so One thing I think needs to get fixed is NYC. While I think Cuomo is doing a great job there are so many issues that are contributing to prolonging this only getting worse and putting all of us who have to work at even more risk, and I’m also at my wits end with all of those issues. When I first went back to work I was taking the subway trains. They were horrible. Homeless people have taken over the seats, spread out laying on them. Commuters are then forced to huddle and be on top of each other. On top of it, since any and everyone can take the trains, MTA workers started to get sick causing delays on the trains. The trains kept skipping my stop whether going home or to work, and what should be a half an hour commute ended up being over an hour making me late to work every day. I decided to switch to the express bus which is $62 a week. I can’t afford that but it feels safer than the trains. It also makes my commute a headache because it doesn’t leave me close to work. I have to either walk far or take other buses in between to get to where I am going. It is so frustrating and causes even more anxiety. It’s like I have to go through hell to get to hell on earth. I have tweeted, complained, and called 3-1-1 about the subway situation but nothing has progressed. It seems most of my coworkers have been going through the same thing. I will not be able to take this bus for much longer because it is expensive so I’ll have to go back to the trains soon. I don’t understand how in New Jersey you get a special essential worker ID to use public transportation but NYC won’t do the same. The spreading is worse here than anywhere else in the world and this simple fixture can reduce the illness and deaths by so much. But no matter the pleas we are ignored. I am disgusted. On top of that, I had an issue in my building where I had little to no water pressure for days. Obviously that’s really bad for someone in my situation who is so exposed and needs to rip my clothes off when I get in the door and run to the shower. It started with my building giving me an excuse and telling me it would be fixed right away. When it wasn’t and I waited a few hours it was late and I had to call security. Obviously I went off since I was fearing for my safety and I am still appalled by my experience with those security guards, which I have recorded. I was yelled at, hung up on, and lied to by them. Despite my pleas and me telling them I’m a healthcare worker. They were beyond disrespectful and rude and should lose their jobs with how they spoke to me. When this went on for days I was so embarrassed but was losing hope so I reached out to social media friends to help me by giving out my buildings email and phone number. I live in Parkchester housing in the Bronx and I am definitely calling them out for this... I am so thankful to the friends and family who pulled it together for me and rallied behind me fighting to get my water back and running, because literally through all my complaints and calls every day I kept getting lied to. 3-1-1 was useless and I called them twice. I even put a letter by the elevator on my floor asking everyone to please call and complain about the water pressure for their safety and mine since I’m a healthcare worker exposed to covid every single day. Once everyone rallied behind me and called and emailed, it got fixed. This is an issue that’s been reoccurring since I live here for six years and I have had it. This cannot happen now with this crisis. The level of disrespect I was given on top of it is so disgusting. And I tried reaching out to the security guards supervisor to complain several times and left a voice mail but never got a call back. So they got away with it. I need to thank those that helped me with this situation and also those who helped me with the subway situations. Tweets sent out from friends and family making phone calls to 3-1-1 to try and get it fixed. I will forever appreciate the help from everyone. Unfortunately the subway situation has not changed and I’ve been forced to just accept it. This is not how New Yorkers should be treated especially essential workers going through hell. We are going through enough hell. I know if anyone needs to go outside we are going to be exposed regardless but the conditions can and should be better. And it shouldn’t take days for a building to fix water pressure and to treat their tenants in the way I was treated on top of it, especially a healthcare worker whose on the front of the lines with this thing.... I’ve struggled with finding patience with situations my entire life. And it’s been tested over and over again. I am not sure why. Maybe because I’ve always been a compulsive complainer. Even about little things I should have never really complained about. It is my biggest flaw. Maybe this is karma. But at this point I get it. I feel selfish complaining about this whole situation because although I am going through hell at work I am not a nurse or doctor and they have to sit back and watch people slowly die all day every day. They are killing themselves battling this and I only see it from behind the scenes. I am just tired. I’m tired of Trump, I’m tired of these moronic governors reopening states or pushing to, I’m tired of these people who are protesting, I am tired of what life has turned into. I am tired from all the things I have been through back to back over the past few years. One thing I am proud of myself for is that I am still breathing. There were many times I came close to taking my own life through all the hardships and I didn’t. And I’ll never feel like I’ll want to kill myself ever again. Trust me, because right now I’m taking every possible measure there is in order to survive and be alive throughout this scary thing. From taking vitamins, washing my hands constantly to the point they have burns on them, wearing masks, and social distancing. A whole routine when I get home of taking a long hot shower and cleaning and wiping all of my things and my apartment down. From counters to handles and knobs. It’s exhausting every day after a long day at work. Survival has become the motive above all else. I hope it’s the same for everyone else. Be safe everyone, share your stories and get it off your chest if you’re having a difficult time right now. Mental health is important and holding things in will make this situation harder than it needs to be. Stay strong, be safe, stay home, and vote for Biden in 2020 please. Thanks. Songs to go with post: Future-Madonna Ft. Quavo Madame X Tour version: www.youtube.com/watch?v=re1MxAjkeNY Batuka-Madonna: www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU2eApGw_TU Another mother's breaking heart is taking over
When the violence causes silence we must be mistaken It's the same old theme since nineteen-sixteen In your head, in your head, they're still fighting... With their tanks, and their bombs And their bombs, and their guns In your head, in your head, they are dying When I was going to take time to write my next post I never expected it was going to go in this direction. Or that all these things that have happened would end up occurring during the month of March. Not in a 100,000 years. I never expected this. I don’t think any of us did.... I don’t know what to say. I’m at a loss for words. I thought I was going to get the last things I needed to get off my chest about my ex and everything I went through. I thought this was gonna be the last chapter to my healing process while I am trying so hard to move on with my life. But just as I was trying to get over one virus that lasted way too long and took what feels like a lifetime to heal and move on from, we are now all facing the scariest virus I have ever seen. Not just me, but every single one of us.... I work in the health field and I’ve known about Corona virus and what it is for a few years. Actually back in 2018 when I had just started my job, I got really sick. I had flu like symptoms, body aches, I felt like I was hit by a truck. I felt my throat getting worse sitting at my desk and my boss sent me to our work force, health, and safety office to get checked out. They evaluated me, put a swob up my nose, told me flu came out negative and told me I had something called “corona virus”. Not the COVID-19 strain FYI. I had never heard of this before and thought it was weird. They told me it basically was like the common cold, it was nothing to be concerned about. I googled it and asked my colleagues and friends at work and they explained it to me too as being a strain of the common cold. I was told there’s no meds for it and that it could take 6-8 weeks to get out of my body and I just needed to take over the counter meds and get some rest. I felt like death on and off for a few weeks but it was okay to go to work at the time, unless I was really sick with a fever of course, but it was basically just the common cold.... Now we are dealing with something similar but much worse. Much much worse. Corona Virus hit the news about three months ago. We knew about it for a long time. I guess we never expected it to hit the world the way that it has. But the fact that it was brought up to our intelligence committee three months ago and our “president” did absolutely nothing is shameful. His lies have put dangerous misleading information and words into people’s heads. Which is what he’s always done, but when it comes to something like this it’s completely and utterly dangerous. This is literally a pandemic the whole world is facing. The amount of fake articles, conspiracy theories, people questioning this saying “do you even know anyone who has it?” on social media. Now a lot of us do know people who have it. Some of us even do have it. The amount of people saying they will not follow the rules. The amount of people saying this is made up by the media. It’s horrifically shameful. “Shameful” is a word I have been using a lot lately...I went into a store wearing a mask and the man at the register said I didn’t need the mask, that this all was made up by the media. That only god can save us and no one else. I told him that’s dangerous to say to customers because they won’t take this seriously and will listen to him, that it’s not made up because I work in health and have been sick. My coworkers and colleagues are risking their lives exposing themselves every single day. They are on the front of the lines. I told him shame on him and he said “only god can save us, it’s all lie!” I told him god won’t be happy that he’s not listening or taking precautions and that he will put other people at risk for not listening, and god for sure won’t like that! The man works at a store called “Day and night” in Parkchester in the Bronx. I am calling them out since I couldn’t get a hold of the store manager. I will never go in there again. Trump did this. He’s planted zombies in everyones heads and it’s eating their brains out. Causing so much harm through this epidemic. It’s the cranberries song from the 90s but happening in real life. It’s truly scary. Here are some of his quoted lies over the past few months: • Feb 10th: “You know in April supposedly it dies with warm weather”. “You know a lot of people think that goes away in April with the heat—as the heat comes in. Typically that will go away in April”. “Looks like by April, you know in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away. I hope that’s true”. •Feb 24th: Tweet: “The corona virus is very much under control in the USA”. •Feb 26th: “I think every aspect of our society should be prepared. I don’t think it’s going to come to that, especially with the fact that we’re going down, not up”. “And again, when you have 15 people, and the 15 people within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero, that’s a pretty good job we’ve done”. •March 4th: “The Obama administration made a decision on testing that turned out to be very detrimental to what we’re doing. And we undid that decision a few days ago so that the testing can take place in a much more accurate and rapid fashion. That was a decision we disagreed with”. Then on March 5th: “They made some decisions which were not good decisions. We undid some regulations that were made that made it very difficult, but I’m not blaming anybody”. There is no Obama era decision or rule that impeded coronavirus testing. They did discuss different types of testing in labs there were never implemented. When asked what decision Obama made on testing Trump was referring to, chief policy officer Peter Kyriacopolois of the association of public health laboratories said, he had “no idea”..... •March 6th: “Anybody who wants a test can get a test. That’s what the bottom line is”. And let’s not forget when he called this all a hoax...”Now the Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus,” “They have no clue they can’t even count their votes in Iowa. This is their new hoax”.... Fast forward to March 8th.... I woke up in the middle of the night with a fever, body aches, and the chills really bad. I felt like I was hit by a truck. My body was trembling. I had a strain of coronavirus two years ago as I mentioned earlier, but this felt worse, much worse. I was freaking out given everything that’s going on. I work for a hospital and one of our benefits as employees is we can do a virtual chat with a doctor, kind of like a virtual urgent care. I spoke to a doctor immediately, obviously concerned for dear life that I in fact may have the COVID-19 coronavirus. I told her my symptoms. She tried to convince me it probably isn’t corona, but that even if I had it I am young and probably healthy and would be fine. I mentioned to her that I couldn’t stop coughing and that there was a little blood in my mucus when I would spit it out. She made me feel all this was normal but that if the fever continued for 3-4 days that I should go get evaluated by a doctor or go to the ER. Three days later I still had a fever. Mind you of course, of ALL TIMES, the only thermometer I had was broken and wouldn’t turn on, when I was trying to monitor my temperature. I ended up going to urgent care. I was coughing up a storm, had the chills, was pale, and felt like death. The doctor took my temperature and it was 101. He told me he thought it was most likely the flu. He tested me for the flu and it came out negative. He told me it’s definitely just a virus and told me why he felt it was not corona. He said it sounded upper respiratory and that corona is lower respiratory and that he wasn’t too concerned, that I should just stay home for a few days. My boss also advised me to stay home till I felt better. Mind you people with the virus have had many different symptoms, the symptoms were all over the place. A friend of mine was tested positive and he also didn’t have lower respiratory symptoms. The fever did break after a week and I felt a lot better but I still had a lingering cough. I felt like I’d be okay with just a cough and can go back to work. To get back to work, I had to be evaluated at our work force, health, and safety office. If they said I was okay I could’ve gone right back to work. I was coughing so bad that they would not clear me. They told me I could come back to work after the cough subsides, that I should probably take the rest of the week off, and I would get cleared if I saw a doctor who would clear me in writing and felt that I no longer had symptoms. After that, I wasn’t able to get cleared twice, but finally a third time I was finally considered healthy and symptom free and got cleared. I was losing my mind and wanted to get back to work so badly. When I went to the doctor the first time after going to work force, health, and safety he said my cough was too symptomatic. I went from getting the whole run around of why this was not corona, I was explaining this to my boss through every step, to then I was too “symptomatic” and might possibly have it. I was so confused. I wasn’t tested when I first got sick cause thanks to Donald Trump, New York City almost had unlimited tests at the time, including all urgent cares but he put a stop to it. He wanted the numbers to stay low and would rather people go untested unless they knew for sure they were exposed or had traveled. I work in a hospital. I was asked each time I saw a doctor if I knew if I was exposed or if I had traveled, and since I said “I didn’t know for sure” and that I didn’t travel they would not test me. Does that make any sense? Let me take my crystal ball out and see if it will let me know if I was exposed.... It has gotten to the point where NYC is now testing most sick people because the virus has hit us horrifically. To the point where so many people are dying that some hospitals made make shift morgues for all the dead bodies. Our hospitals are so over packed with sick people that we don’t have space for them if they die. And Trump refuses to give NY more ventilators. I swear he’s so jealous of Andrew Cuomo and his leadership he’d rather New Yorkers die than help them. When I tried to get cleared for work a second time the doctor gave me an inhaler to fight the cough and a number to call, general city number, to try and make an appointment to get tested for the virus. I was on hold for two hours to be told “you’re in the system, we’ll call you back with an appointment”. And I was like “do you know when I’ll get a call?” And the guy said “sorry there’s no telling”. The issue is, since testing wasn’t allowed at first, now they are so backed up that they are putting people on waiting lists. They also are struggling to get results out to people. Again, if my symptoms were much worse I’d maybe have had a better chance of getting tested. But since a cough is a symptom, I also could not get cleared for work. I was told the best thing to do is just stay home. I was called a week later to setup an appointment to get tested. Even though my symptoms were pretty much gone and tests can’t show if I previously had the virus. The lady on the phone told me her system froze and someone would call me back within 15-30 minutes. She also told me how she went through the same exact thing as me. Guess what? I never got a call back. Thank god the doctors made me stay home and cleared me once they felt that I was okay. What is crazy is now the urgent care I have been going to has testing. I was told if they had it when I first went and was very sick I would’ve been tested. One of the doctors I saw through all this, told me I most likely would not get tested. She told me about how overwhelmed the New York City hospitals are, she does testing as well. She told me they aren’t even able to test very sick people anymore, that they are just putting them into ICUs and monitoring them. That unless my symptoms get worse, all I could do is stay home. She put me on a new cough medicine that I needed to take for seven days and once I was re-evaluated after that, I was cleared for work. This has been a nightmare. A complete nightmare. Three weeks and five visits to the doctor. I’ve been living in fear of having this virus, I don’t know for sure if I had or didn’t have it, I haven’t been able to get tested, and I was not able to be cleared for work for three weeks, losing pay at that. I have slowly but surely been losing my mind. I live alone and had to take care of myself through all of this. The silver lining is right before I got sick, it was confirmed that I can keep my apartment. And that was something I was scared about when my ex and I broke up. That as it would get closer to when the lease would end that they’d kick me out and not let me renew. I was in so much fear of it every day for a year and I found out I can keep my apartment. And it would be my first apartment ever that’s just mine, under my name. And I am and was so happy when I found out and I had to go get sick the day after I got the confirmation and now have a new fear in my life. I did learn how independent I am while having to take care of myself and my apartment alone through all of this. For that I do feel good. I wanted my new post to be about how a year ago I finally put my foot down and asked my ex a second time to move out after living together for 6 months while broken up. And it was incredibly hard for me to let go of him and ask him to leave but I eventually found the strength. And exactly a whole year later, April 1st, I am now much better than I was a year ago when he finally left, and even compared to a few months ago, and officially have the place to myself. It was going to be a Beyoncé inspired post. Because through her music I also found strength through my breakup. Her music really speaks for me and everything I went through throughout the relationship. And I wanted to finally dive into all that and let it all out for the last time. This blog has been my “lemonade” after all.... My post wasn’t able to go in the direction I wanted it to. And I guess I’m lost. I tried to lift myself up, I felt a new sense of closure and have been ready to start my life over. But here we are back tracked now....But I guess I’m still lost. As Madonna sings in her song “extreme occident”: “No I wasn’t lost. It was a different feeling. A mix of lucidity and craziness, but I wasn’t lost believe me”. That’s how life has felt the past year and a half. Completely. Another song on her Madame X album that will inspire another blog post. This one. The truth is I’ve always known who I was inside, but I always felt so lost trying to be that person. Trying to please everyone and getting so damn hurt and holding my true self within. Just so I can make everyone else happy. This is why I now hate pressure from people because the guilt makes me feel like I cannot be myself. And even though I know who I am, all of life’s events have been so painful, that it makes me feel so lost even when I’m not lost. If that makes any sense. It’s like having self awareness about certain things but not being able to change them and being stuck. But as she also says “I was right, and I’ve got the right to choose my own life. Like a full circle. Life is a circle”. Life really is a circle, it keeps spinning and there’s always hope for new beginnings and for change. Now I am dealing with this and my mindset has just completely changed. Maybe it’s because I’m too tired. I’m too scared. Scared for myself, scared for my parents, scared for my grandma, and everyone I care about. I am angry that we have a president who is fucking this up royally, and his supporters can’t call him out over this one thing, not this ONE thing. He doesn’t know how to compose himself and be diplomatic, he can’t even say words of hope to frightened Americans when asked to do so. Instead he berates and antagonizes the reporter for asking him to do so. He spreads his hate and division still through all this by calling it the “Chinese virus” and people make excuses for that too. Shame on them. And he’s done nothing but try and downplay this virus, he wants to reopen the country and go back to business as usual by Easter and have “churches packed”...He is a disgrace. Blood is on his hands and anyone who supports him. It went from doing nothing about school shootings to this. He once said he can shoot someone on 5th Avenue and people would still support him. He can allow a whole pandemic to wipe out millions of people and people will still support him. I truly think it’s the end of the world. Through all this my ex texted me to check on me and I chose to ignore him. While I know he meant well and I don’t want to be bitter, he put me through so much throughout our seven years together, I took so much and had no self respect, and he made me feel like a lunatic the whole time through all that he did to me. Then even after our breakup and all those things that happened that he knew was bothering me, suddenly he’s concerned about my well being? No thank you. I do worry and hope he’s well through all of this though and it wasn’t easy ignoring him. Of course a part of me wanted to see how he was and tell him what I was going through but I told myself it’s better not to. I wasn’t a saint either and I’m not trying to play victim but I think he needs to learn to just leave me alone. I don’t need to make my Beyonce inspired post anymore because ::Cardi B voice:: CORONA VIRUS! Shit is getting real. But I am healed from that part of my life because now I have to be. There is literally too much real shit going on. And now that I am cleared for work, I’ll be dealing with exposure to this virus every single day, and putting myself at risk every single day, because I work in a hospital. I need everyone to stop listening to our shitty president. He literally said the media is trying to keep the country and economy closed so that he won’t get re-elected. The only one making this political is him and mind you our state of NY is suffering so much right now. Imagine when it hits other states. I hope their leaders are as strong willed and brave as Andrew Cuomo who has been kicking ass. I officially have a crush on him. I hope every governor of every state ignores Trump and looks at what’s happening in NYC to prevent it from happening there. If you care about nurses or doctors, your friends who work in health, your elderly parents, grandparents, family members and friends. Friends and loved ones with health issues. Please do not listen to this horrific man. Please please consider calling him out on this one thing, really think about if he should be president again with how he is handling this and shitting on New York. Haven’t we dealt with enough after 9/11? Thank you to my doctor friends, nurse friends, my team at work, all of my colleagues. Family members who are nurses or work in health. Doctors at urgent care I have seen through all this, who are swamped and tired and exhausted. We all may not wear capes, but we are super heroes through all this. You are also a super hero if you comply and listen to the rules and stay home! Be grateful for healthcare workers, they are at the front of the lines fighting this. And for all our sakes this is why I ask to stop believing the president and the conspiracy theories. Believe healthcare workers, take this seriously follow the rules, and stay home. It is sickening the amount of people, Trump supporters or not, who are refusing to believe this is real and want to believe every conspiracy theory and break the rules. It’s beyond dangerous so cut that shit out! NOW! Stay safe everyone! Don’t let the zombies in your head get to you through all this! And don’t let yourself feel “lost”... Songs to inspire post: Extreme Occident By Madonna: www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAPugOdydJA Zombie By The Cranberries: www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ejga4kJUts “Everybody knows the damn truth
Our nation lied, we lost respect When we wake up, what can we do? Get the kids ready, take them to school Everybody knows they don't have a chance To get a decent job, to have a normal life When they talk reforms, it makes me laugh They pretend to help, it makes me laugh I think I understand why people get a gun I think I understand why we all give up Every day they have a kind of victory Blood of innocence, spread everywhere They say that we need love But we need more than this”-Madonna God Control Every single day in America someone dies because of a gun. How many school shootings need to occur before we make changes? How many children need to bleed to death? How many innocent people need to die at concerts or night clubs? How many people are going to survive one shooting just to go somewhere a year later and end up getting shot to death? When will people start caring? Everybody knows the damn truth! A NEW DEMOCRACY!....We NEED to WAKEUP! The best thing about living in America is that we have the right to express ourselves. Freedom of speech is the most important amendment that we have. Even though sometimes, and I’m sure many of you agree, I wish some people didn’t have the freedom to say whatever they wanted, since some people just say the worst things possible and use the absolute worst kind of rhetoric ever....Especially our current President of the United States, but for whatever reason people actually like the toxic hateful bull shit that comes out of his mouth. In case it isn’t obvious, or if no one has noticed, or if I haven’t mentioned it enough, I am gay. That’s right, I am your typical Britney, Madonna, Gaga, Beyoncé loving gay man who is obsessed with pop culture. Who writes about boys he’s dated on a blog and goes to see his favorite queens in concert over and over again. Why am I bringing up my sexuality? Because it’s shaped me into who I am as a person. Along with many other things I have been through in life. I grew up nearly blocks away from where the World Trade Center/Twin Towers once stood a long time ago. I lived through 9/11. I saw it all happen before my very eyes in my classroom at school. I was only eleven years old. And we had to evacuate my house for a while due to all the smoke and debris that entered our apartment. It didn’t help that we lived on the 33rd floor, so the impact was very real. I will probably save my 9/11 experience in full detail for a separate post when the 9/11 anniversary comes around. So I don’t want to say too much, but I just remember living in so much fear. I was scared every day that we were going to die. Seeing Osama Bin Laden’s face constantly on the news freaked me out. I had nightmares. I used to be so scared I never wanted to be alone. I hate that this had to be one of the things to add to the list of things I’ve been through in life. Although fortunately for my family and I, we did not lose anyone that day. The only good thing that came from 9/11 was that for the first time ever, and basically the only time that I can remember, America was unified. Everyone was so proud to be an American, no matter who they were or where they came from. Everyone stood united. For a brief moment no one was worried so much about racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. Even though it absolutely still existed, everyone seemed to ban together for once to fight against terrorism and to stand up for the brothers and sisters we lost. I hate to say it, and although I wish 9/11 never happened, I do miss when we were as united as we were back then, it’s unfortunate we are no longer at that point. We are very far from it.... Around this time I was starting to get into Madonna. She influenced me in so many ways but especially politically. She made the song “American life” to protest president Bush. Also to make a statement about America being so superficial “Do I have to change my name? Will it get me far? Should I lose some weight? Am I gonna be a star?” Those exact lyrics are things I have struggled with my whole life. I have tried so hard to both fit in and stand out for as long as I can remember. I was only 12 or 13 and I was forming political beliefs and opinions. I remember when I would go to confirmation class the nun would tell us that you can only have sex to have babies. I was the kid who questioned “what if people are gay?” “What if people don’t want to have kids?” And of course I got in trouble for that. I wrote an essay in an 8th grade English class about why abortion should be legal. We were going to war with Iraq and I thought it was disgusting. I was so against it. I felt like Bush was lying about weapons of mass destruction, I felt like we should have focused more on trying to defeat Osama Bin Laden, and anything about the Iraqi war made absolutely no sense to me. This is why I loved when Emma Gonzalez, victim of the Parkland school shooting, made an important speech about the assumptions people have on kids. “(They feel that) us kids don’t know what we’re talking about, that we are too young to understand how the government works. We call B-S!” Kids are smarter than they get credit for, if they care or are smart enough they know what’s going on. Especially if they have been through something as horrific as a school shooting. It is so disgusting to me to this day that grown ass adults attacked those kids for speaking out. It’s shameful. As the years would go by, when I was in high school, I was one of the first to use social media as a platform to speak up about my political views. I literally made memes before they were called “memes”, and posted about politics on MySpace before most people really started doing it. I made memes with president Bush’s face, writing “TRAITOR” in big letters across his face. I had a picture of Candolezza Rice with Madonna lyrics “Don’t talk, don’t speak, don’t say your sorry” written across her face. I posted pictures of poor kids in Africa starving to death so people could start caring about what was going on around the world. The first time I ever was able to vote was in 2008 and I had just turned 18. I was very vocal about my disregard for John McCain, may he Rest In Peace, and I could not help but make fun of Sarah Palin. I was beyond excited to vote for Barack Obama. I was also beyond excited to vote for the very first time. It’s sad that today most kids don’t care about voting, and most young people in general, even people my age, no longer care about voting. When it’s more important than ever right now. I believe the fear and terror of going through 9/11 and having Madonna as an idol, truly influenced me to be politically left and liberal. Also being part of an oppressed group since (again, in case you didn’t know) I am gay. And the things I went through for being gay also further influenced my political views. Being gay influenced my views more than anything else. I am sure that is the same for most gay people and it blows my mind that republicans and conservatives feel the need to fight with and try and convince us we are wrong about a political party that has politicians who try to dehumanize us. I have been harassed, tormented, insulted, and almost killed for being gay several times throughout my life. In our society sure, being gay has slowly but surely become more acceptable. We have a gay man (Pete Buttigieg) who actually has a shot at possibly being president. But to this day many people still look at being gay as a joke. To the point where straight men constantly mock gay men, pretend to be gay with each other to be funny, mocking and making fun of those who are actually gay. I remember this being a thing in high school and what is sad is that it still is a thing even now. I’ve even seen many grown old ass men do this even recently. I am sure other gay men know what I am talking about, but when I’ve spoken about this on social media straight people seemed to be confused and clueless about it.... When people find out I am gay all the sudden they ask all kinds of ridiculous questions based off of stereotypical assumptions. A lot of people see being gay as something only sexual. They don’t understand it whatsoever. And it’s honestly frustrating that even to this very day, I have to get asked “have you ever been with a girl?” And then the shock and confusion I receive when I say “no”, and the shock that I get when I say “I would never try it nor do I want to”. And then people always say “maybe you just need to try it” and when I explain that I can’t do that, they do not understand and look at me like I am crazy. If it were that simple wouldn’t they try being gay too? Honestly this and the mocking of gays are my biggest pet peeves. It disgusts me. Its angers me so much I start to get anxiety even thinking about it and it’s a constant thing that I go through and see all the time. I try to just accept it. I did better with it years ago, I even was a little homophobic at one point as a gay person but I think I was just tying to fit in. I didn’t mind gay slurs or when people mocked gays. As long as I was seen as less flamboyant and different than other gays, I was fine. But now I am different. Very different. I just want to snap at this point when I go through these things or see them happen. I’ve gone through hell being gay, if it were that easy, believe me, I would’ve just tried being with a woman. I was born this way and it’s internally frustrating that I need to keep explaining this, even to this day. I remember the times I dressed a certain way and got called “faggot”. I remember the times I’d be out with female friends and straight guys would harass them and wouldn’t leave them alone when they weren’t interested and I would have to step in. Next thing you know I’m the “faggot ass bitch” and they would try to fight me and torment me. The amount of times this occurred I don’t even know and it is sickening and I am sure many women and many gay men know exactly what I am talking about. I have stories for days. I feel like in high school I kept myself overweight and ugly partly because I was worried to be my true self. I was able to mask my true identity because I was worried about everyone judging me. I came from a family that’s basically conservative republican. I am the sheep in the family because I am one of the only ones who is politically liberal or who actually gave a shit about social injustice with a passion. And honestly people don’t get how personal it is when family or friends support politicians who don’t see you as human and who would take away your rights from you if they could. I am beyond grateful though that they were accepting of me being gay. I have met gay people who did not have it so easy. I had a friend in high school whose parents kicked her out of her house for being a lesbian. My parents were kind enough to let her sleep over time to time. Being gay wasn’t really an issue but there were many homophobic things said throughout my childhood that definitely made me scared to come out. But I am grateful that once I did, when I was 21 and dating my ex, it all went well and I believe mindsets changed. There is a lot more to that story that’s extremely personal but I will maybe share it one day if it ever were to feel right. Being so overweight and unattractive caused a lot of issues for me as well. I was over 400 pounds at one point. That’s right, I was morbidly obese. I always had friends and people were kind to me. I know other overweight kids went through it worse but I did go through some types of bullying and torment for it. It ate me up inside but I tried to keep it to myself, even though for the most part I felt like an ugly beast. I literally felt like the hunchback of Notre Dame. This is why it’s so triggering for so many people to have a president who reminds them of the ugly high school bully who groped girls behind the bleachers at sports games and was a dick to anyone who was different or smart in school. The only people who really brought me into their lives and treated me like a human being were people of color. My friends were mostly black, Latina/Latino, or Asian of some kind. They took me into their homes and into their lives. They were my closest and realest friends. I considered them brothers and sisters. A lot of these people are the ones I had falling outs with and wrote about which is why it all hurt so much. These people became my family, my life, my everything. Because of them I was thoroughly educated and learned so much about racism and the things they had to face that no one ever taught me at home. My family was very closed off when it came to these things and because of that they were a bit unaware and closed minded towards these types of issues. I heard stories but also saw and experienced things that also helped shape my views in so many ways. I am a white kid who came from bougie, upscale, TriBeCa in lower Manhattan. Yet unlike a lot of white folks, I was able to leave my neighborhood and go into less rich ones, hangout in the projects, empathize with people, try to put myself in their shoes while hearing their stories, and educate myself. I also had a great teacher in high school who unlike most, taught us about slavery, black history, and all the unjust things that occurred once slavery was abolished. I don’t want a gold medal for all of this, but I think it’s important to mention for those who lack empathy. For some reason a lot of white folks feel that since slavery was abolished that means everything has been fine for people of color since then. It truly is mind boggling. They won’t even hear people out and only pass judgment with their assumptions. What’s most mind boggling to me is that it’s 2020 and the state we are in is not good. It’s so bad it feels like a nightmare. I’ve hated Donald Trump since he ever first decided to run for president. I hate that he had this racist agenda against Obama to the point where he lied and said the man was a Muslim from Kenya and pushed this whole birther conspiracy to the point where the man had to show his birth certificate. I never thought this man could possibly win the presidency. And to me this was a personal election and it still is. He chose a Vice President who is so disgustingly homophobic he feels gay kids should go to conversion therapy, is against gay marriage, and stands by his views because of his “faith”. Then the president had the nerve to hold a gay flag during his campaign, but won’t acknowledge pride month. He feels adoption agencies should have the right to deny kids loving homes if couples are gay. He is so transphobic that he decided that trans people should not be in our military. I remember in high school every Halloween I wanted to be a dying polar bear with a small “polar icecap” attached to my ankle. I had envisioned it so well. I wanted to make a statement about global warming and climate change. It’s truly sad that the current president denies its existence. It’s dangerous that he does. He mocks people who are educated and believe in it and makes it all a joke. And his supporters just eat it all up. One of them actually asked me once what should we expect him to do and that if he got a whole other planet for us we would still complain. Hilarious because he would never get us another planet if he could, maybe he would for himself though. Also, he was making people believe climate change is fake and that it is all a made up joke, and he pulled us out of the green new deal (the very minimum of what we were doing to fight this) and started allowing fossil fuels to ruin our oceans, the list goes on and on, and it is exactly all that he should NOT be doing but okay Becky, carry on...I’ve rolled my eyes so much these past few years I don’t know how they haven’t gotten stuck in the back of my head. If people actually educate themselves on this man they will see he comes from a white supremacist family and he has done several hateful and racist things throughout his career. He was sued for discriminating against blacks in the 70s for not allowing them to live in his buildings. He literally wrote an article in The NY Times and called for the Central Park five to be lynched, one of the most racist things someone can wish on a group of black kids, because of what he felt they did. They literally were proven innocent and exonerated and he then refused to apologize for it. To this day he will not apologize. Narcissistic people lack empathy and compassion and can’t admit when they are wrong. He then ran a campaign based on fear mongering, trying to overdramatize an illegal immigration crisis which absolutely is not as bad as he made it. Obviously we need to do something about illegals, but a man who lacks diplomacy and who gives no fucks about what comes out of his mouth will do whatever it takes to win an election. He categorized all Mexicans as rapists, criminals, and drug dealers. He wanted to build a wall which he promised and lied about Mexico paying for. A useless wall as if tunnels don’t exist and as if people don’t fly into the states and stay here illegally. It made absolutely no sense. He was caught on tape saying since he’s a star he can fuck anyone he wants and just grab women by the pussy. He’s made fun of women for how they look and for their weight, calling them “pigs”. When he himself looks like a fucking pig, he’s so ugly and so orange it makes me want to vomit just looking at him. He literally looks and sounds like Chucky the doll from Childs play. He mocked a disabled reporter, and anyone who questioned him he would attack back ten times harder in the most vicious and vile ways. The sad thing about this to me is that people loved him for these things, and they even supposedly interpreted it all differently but I don’t think that’s the case. I think the people that support him are the people who want so badly to say the things he would say without the repercussions. But he made it possible for people to say the most ignorant and hateful things without repercussions. He will say something that’s on video for everyone to see or hear and deny he ever said it. He will say he doesn’t know someone when there is photographic proof of it and say these things are “fake news” and his supporters go along with it. Hard to think they aren’t brainwashed. Once he became president it felt like a really bad dream. For me, it might sound dramatic, but it felt like 9/11 all over again. And of course so much damage has been done since then but his supporters feel he’s only done so much good for the country. Taking all the credit away from Obama for fixing the economy after Bush almost put us through another depression and putting all the credit on Trump since Trump took the credit upon himself. Saying Trump created all these jobs that Obama did after the stock market crashed and he had a whole lot to cleanup after Bush. It’s despicable how people tarnished his legacy with flat out lies. So hard not to think they are just racist. In Charlottesville there were riots started from white supremacists holding tiki torchers threatening lives of people of color, women, and Jews under Trumps name, and when the targeted people tried to defend themselves some of them got killed. And Trump had the audacity to make it a two sided issue blaming people on both ends and saying both sides had “very fine people” it’s nauseating to even type let alone think about. And then this conspiracy he and his base started pushing about leftists being in a terrorist group called “ANTIFA” spreading all kinds of false propaganda and information about them, as people have done in the past about the black panthers and currently the black lives matter movement. It’s sickening. It’s nauseating. It’s a disgrace. I have been told that this man is no better or worse than any other past president. Okay..... Everything became “fake news”. He started a war against the media when he was heavily criticized, he literally tried to push so many conspiracy theories and his supporters just ate it all up. To the point where reputable/reliable sources no longer exist to them and absolutely no factual thing on the planet mattered to them or could be presented to them. Majority of my family supported him. This disgusted me on so many levels that there was a point where I almost wanted to distance myself from them all together. I struggled really hard with how on earth they can support a person like this. I was only able to assume that anyone who can support this man is racist or bigoted in some kind of way. What’s insane to me is majority of these people are Christian yet Jesus in the Bible went against everything this man was. He fought against the elite who tried to persecute, humiliate, and punish the poor. And here these folks are, supposed Christians, loving a man who is a billionaire, who builds walls, who separates babies from their mothers and has these people put into concentration camp like facilities, drinking out of toilets. Children dying in these facilities. And yet they support this. They even make excuses for his behavior and blame everyone else they possibly can. Obama and the Clinton’s for example. If you try and explain to them that Obama did not separate families in the same ways they don’t respond or don’t want to hear it. If you explain to them that Obama only separated real criminals, not people just seeking asylum, they don’t want to hear it. And they make excuses for a First Lady who visits kids in these facilities wearing an inappropriate jacket that says “I don’t really care, do you?” Because facts don’t exist anymore as long as they can always be right and continue supporting such a cruel monster. He conspired with foreign countries to try and take down other candidates but no one thinks it is a problem. He literally got away with being impeached because of a senate who lack morals and a back bone. Party before country right? It truly feels like the twilight zone. It doesn’t feel real that in 2020 we are supporting a white supremacist who acts like a dictator. He even pushed all of our allies away and befriended other dictators such as Putin and Kim Jong Un. We have become a laughing stock in this world. What blows my mind the most is there are people who belong to oppressed groups who support this. Be it women, people of color, or LGBT. Kanye West went from constantly fighting against racism to being Uncle Tom and don’t even get me started on Caitlyn Jenner. I know women who are pro choice, to the point that they spoke up any time abortion rights were at stake, yet STILL supported this man who is so disgustingly misogynistic to the point where he appointed an accused rapist to be on the Supreme Court mainly because he was anti abortion. But these women still support him, why? I don’t know. Let’s not forget that 19 women accused this man of sexual assault too and he had ties to Jeffery Epstein who was a known pedophile who lead child sex traffic rings and got killed mysteriously in prison. But of course “what about Bill Clinton?” Right? Yes, I know Clinton has ties to Epstein and has been accused of things too, and you know what? Let him be investigated too. Even though at one point he was and was impeached. It drives me insane that they push this “what aboutism” to make anything this man does okay....Everyone sees that we are now divided more than ever, social media has become a political war zone, and we are constantly at each other’s throats. The first few years of his presidency I did nothing but post about him and political stuff on social media constantly. I always was arguing or fighting with people. It became so mentally exhausting and draining because there was no possibility of changing people’s minds and I literally was becoming so depressed over it. I was disgusted. As I was joining more Britney Spears groups on Facebook I made a lot of new friends who shared the same admiration and love I have for Britney. My posts were becoming less political and more pop culture based and I felt myself becoming a happier person. I had enough stress going on in my life and it would take up too much time being glued to a phone screen arguing all day long. Trying to find factual articles and presenting them for it to go absolutely nowhere. The issue was some of the new friends I made were Trump supporters and I didn’t know it at first. They were such nice people I could not believe it was possible. They were extremely gay friendly and were allies, seemed progressive in a lot of ways, but of course supported someone who was the total opposite. I had to really decide if I could allow Trump supporters in my life or if I could be open minded enough to try and see them not as all the same and all not bad people. Including family. I have to be honest. This was not an easy decision to make. I have marched in black lives matter protests. I have participated in the women’s march. I have been liberal since I was a kid. My family used to make fun of me and call me “tree hugger”. It disgusted me to my core when I saw black kids and adults on the news be killed left and right unjustly and tortured by cops all for just resisting arrest or defending themselves when being accused of something they didn’t do. Or kids like Trayvon Martin being killed by “neighborhood watch” just for looking suspicious. Even when taken into custody cops would beat them to death or shoot them to death. And people have the audacity to question why folks stopped trusting police officers and why there were so many protests. People literally hate Beyoncé for making a statement through her music and performances fighting these racial injustices. People actually switch the racist card onto Obama when defending Trump and that I cannot even try to understand for the life of me. People feel such animosity and disgust towards anyone who protests racism and injustice more than they do the racism and injustice itself. I take a knee when the national anthem plays and I will continue to do so till there is justice and real change. How does one make peace with people like this? How does one make peace with people who vote for politicians who go against people like me or any oppressed group, let alone vote against their own interests? It’s something I always felt like I would refuse to do. At the end of the day though I had to accept that Trump was president and that was that. I had to accept that people just are the way they are sadly. I mean we have people flipping out over two Latina women rocking the super bowl. JLO and Shakira killed it by the way. But they support a man whose vulgar against women and had an affair with a playboy bunny and married to a First Lady who basically was a porn star with all the times she’s posed nude. The hypocrisy is real. I really didn’t know how to accept these kinds of people in my life. I still don’t most of the time. I decided for my own peace of mind, I needed to tone it down. All of this was contributing to my depression. At the start of Trumps presidency I was working a grueling job where I worked on my feet constantly and dealt with abuse. I had issues in my relationship and eventually that ended and I lost majority of my friends. I no longer had the energy to constantly fight anymore. I no longer had the energy to hate everyone who supported this. I had my own battles I needed to deal with. So, I decided it was best to tone it down on social media and to not argue with people in my life about politics. I hate to bite my tongue but it also was an incredible waste of time, and I had to wonder if it was actually worth it losing people I love over this and not allowing people in my life over it. We are all human and we all have opinions. Although sometimes I don’t see some of these issues as difference of opinion. I mean it’s to the point where people on the left have to constantly admit their faults to try and be heard. We always have to say “both sides have issues” even though in my opinion it’s nowhere near the same on the left. But I do have issues with the left too. Not just the corruption that also exists.... The left are even at each other’s throats. None of them can agree on one candidate, none of them can stick together, some are just as stubborn and closed minded as Trump supporters and this is why we will continue to lose which is sad. Half the people are Bernie or busts and half are too center/right leaning, and the majority of the candidates are literally causing a divide amongst the Democratic Party which will give Trump another win unfortunately. The hatred on all ends has gotten to me. Madonna has another song that also spoke to me called “Killers who are partying”. She’s sings: I will be gay, if the gay are burned. I’ll be Africa, if Africa is shot down. I will be poor, if the poor are humiliated. I’ll be a child, if the children are exploited. I'll be Islam, if Islam is hated... I'll be Israel (switched to Palestine in her tour), if they're incarcerated... I'll be Native Indian, if the Indian has been taken. And I'll be a woman, if she's raped and her heart is breaking... I know what I am (God knows what I am) And I know what I'm not (and He knows what I'm not) Do you know who you are? Will we know when to stop? My question is, will we ever know when to stop? All the division and hatred in this world increases more and more each day. This song spoke to me though because I consider myself an overly empathetic person and I feel like I have tried to understand all different types of peoples every day struggles. It kills me to see anyone face hatred and bigotry of any kind, especially since I have experienced some of it myself. And it kills me that people could close their eyes to it or choose to be blinded by it or participate in it even. Lady Gaga also has a song on her “Joanne” album called “come to mama” which is also important and I learned a lot from it as well. It’s about how both sides need to cut it out and love each other. She sings “Come tomorrow who are you gonna follow? There's gonna be no future if we don't figure this out”. She also ends the song with: “Why do we gotta tell each other how to live? The only prisons that exist are ones we put each other in”. I got to the point where I agree completely. We are all brothers and sisters and we need to learn to walk among each other and be less angry. The anger is literally tarring us up and eating us alive. It’s making us so miserable and depressed and it’s not a way of life. Even if people are supporting someone like Trump. Even if people interpret things completely different. It does boggle my mind that people try and take away from peoples experiences. It does blow my mind that if someone felt something triggered them because it came off as racist or bigoted, someone else thinks they have the right to make that person feel stupid. I will accept Trump supporters into my life because I have to. I have to work with them, be related to them, and accept them. If they can’t accept me though then that’s on them. And a lot can’t but a lot do so I am grateful for that. Will I ever be able to be super close with a Trump supporter? Probably not. But I am a much happier person because I don’t let this shit control my life or eat me alive anymore. I do have a plea for Trump supporters though, republicans, and conservatives: Majority of you are white straight men. Some of you (not many) are women, some of you are LGBT or people of color even. Majority of you will never know what it’s like to deal with such hatred and oppression. Majority of you look at anyone who protests racism or oppression with disgust and don’t hear the pleas and the pain. Majority of you are too privileged to really try to understand things you know nothing about. Please, I beg of you, cut it out. Hear people out even if you disagree with them, and never make people feel stupid for feeling how they do. And to people on the left: Get your damn shit together and unify now because we have a good chance of losing again. Stop being at each other’s throats, come to your senses and understand there are too many different people on the left with different ideas and you will have to vote for a candidate you might not love or agree with. We have too much at stake here. I have no expectations and I feel in my gut we will lose and Trump will win again. But I do hope we will eventually learn from all of this. On both ends. Because it will go down in history books as the most chaotic moments in modern history. To everyone...”Everybody’s got to love each other. Stop throwing stones at your sisters and your brothers. Man it wasn’t that long ago, we were all living in the jungle. So why do we gotta, put each other down? When there’s more than enough love to go around”. “Why do we gotta, fight over ideas? We’re talkin the same old shit after all of these years”. Happy Valentine’s Day, love not only your significant other but yourself and your brothers and your sisters. And vote in the upcoming elections like your life depends on it! Songs to go with post: American Life Madonna: www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CWXjk40yWE God Control Madonna: www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv-sdTOw5cs Killers Who Are Partying Madonna: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jh9aFGP_Nx8 Come To Mama Lady GaGa: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1tE5ig77BU I need to start off by saying RIP to Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gigi. He was an iconic legend and you didn’t have to be a basketball fan to be a fan of Kobe’s. He was loved by almost all the pop kings and queens and played a role in pop culture. I’ll never forget what an ally he was to the LGBT community and to women. God rest his and his daughter’s souls and watch over his wife and family while they try to heal.....I had a rough time with this.
Exactly a year ago today I took a soul saving journey to Vegas to see GaGa and visit the Grand Canyon and I have brought this trip up many times and posted pictures of it many times as well. But it truly was the start to this very long journey I have been on and I will forever be grateful for that trip. I can’t wait to relive it hopefully sooner than later....I did go to New Orleans with friends earlier this month and I did have moments where it felt soul saving as well. I took time to myself at one point to reflect and I let the full moon inspire me while I was there. A lot of this post came from all I was thinking about while taking that short amount of time to myself. Listening to live music and jazz bands on Frenchman st. and just feeling the vibes of a different beautiful place. It’s also been exactly a month since I released this blog. I have been overwhelmed with all the positive feedback I have received. A lot of people have messaged me privately sharing their stories with me and telling me how they were able to relate to certain things I have shared so far. I honestly am very grateful. I can’t express how scared and nervous I was to do this. I have to make one thing clear. This was not easy. Not at all. I was worried people would think I was crazy or hysterical. I was worried people would question how or why I would put my business out there. I was worried those I have spoken about would see all of this and try and seek revenge of some kind...There were people who did show concern, there were people who did see this as a cry for help. While I appreciate the concern, it’s exactly part of what I feared and did not want to happen from this. What I wanted was to release everything I’ve been holding in all this time in hopes I would start to heal. What I wanted was to finally validate my feelings and myself. What I wanted was to find strength in sharing my stories. What I wanted was to forgive myself for all the things I blamed myself for. What I wanted was to rise up above it all. And you know what? I finally am getting there and I can’t express how amazing it feels. The issue is my entire life I have been made to feel like I was crazy for the feelings I would have. Most people in my life, whether family, friends, or past relationships, tried so hard to silence me. I have been laughed at, I have been made fun of. I never could validate my feelings. It got to a point where when others would do me wrong, I blamed myself. I literally had to question my own sanity for as long as I can remember. But after everything I’ve been through I have to ask myself.... Did I say something true? Did I have a point of view? Did I say something wrong? Or did I stay too long? And I’m not sorry, it’s human nature....That’s right. I find so much freedom in expressing my feelings instead of repressing them and I no longer give a fuck what people think....I find so much freedom in being able to validate myself and no longer question my own sanity. This is something I never ever felt or experienced before. Majority of the feedback I’ve received on this blog has been amazing and I am thankful for it. I felt so alone all of last year, I felt so lost, I felt like my life was over (cue Demi Lovato’s very relatable new song “anyone”). I know now there are others who have felt the same way in many ways, be it last year, or at some point in their life, and it’s nice to touch those people and have an outlet for them to come to when they aren’t so comfortable to express themselves in the way that I do. Whether they’ve been through something similar or different. Like I said before, this is NOT easy. I had to really put my fears to the side. Honestly if anyone wants to seek revenge in anyway for me speaking my truth, by all means, go ahead. I no longer care about that. And if enough damage hasn’t been done in terms of these people needing to get revenge against me, well so be it. I’ve said this before and I will say it again, I have suffered enough repercussions. Things have occurred nonstop consistently from the end of 2018 to the end of 2019. I am fucking tired. I was hoping maybe my words would make my stance clear, perhaps give certain people an open heart to why I felt the way that I did. But if people are even more angry, well...”It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch, but sometimes you know I gotta call it like is”....It’s human nature. On Madonna’s latest album “Madame X” she has a song titled “I Rise”. It was made to be an anthem for the LGBT community, anyone who faces oppression, and for many other important issues such as gun control (“god control” is another amazing song when it comes to gun control). This song was first released in June 2019. In June I was a lost mess. I was still trying to adjust to living on my own, accepting the fate of my last relationship, and coming to terms with the fact that I had to start over with my life all by myself. During this time I was an alcoholic. A sad, depressed alcoholic. I would lock myself in my room and blast sad music. I would only leave my room to make another drink, so I can come back and wallow in self pity. The thing about drinking is that it helped me temporarily. Sometimes I was happy, I would have fun all by myself. I would dance and sing. It always would start out as a pleasant experience. Then it would turn dark. It’s like I would go from happy to sad within a few hours. Next thing you know I’m screaming, crying, and having panic attacks. I would drink and cry until I would pass out. The amount I was drinking was deadly. I would actually hate when the weekends would come because that’s when I didn’t know what to do with myself since I didn’t have anyone (again cue Demi’s new song) and it’s when I would drink the most. I would start day drinking, and go through this cycle till I would pass out and take a long nap. I would usually eat something before falling asleep. And then I would wakeup feeling like shit and continue the cycle again. It was so disgustingly unhealthy but I literally did not have a support system and so many horrible things happened, one after the other. I was happy my friend Amanda came to visit New York with her dad in June. We had a great time. But the rest of June was just a complete nightmare for me. I just felt done with everything. Summer was coming and I felt like I had just lost everything and didn’t have any plans to have fun as I normally would have. I also felt like I could hardly afford food to eat let alone all the bills I had to take on by myself. I was so lost. The things I had to see on social media from past friends and my ex, all their posts together, they were hanging out more and more. At first it was just a running thing and it turned into more than that. It was hangouts and going to events together on the weekends. Constant photos taken together posted. Videos in their Instagram stories of them at events together. They all knew at that point how I felt about all of it and it was like a big “fuck you” to me. And the sick part about it was I was mostly angry with my friends, not so much at my ex. Because I still missed him and wanted to be with him and that was the worst part about it. Throughout our relationship I would be more angry at everyone else he was friends with that was causing issues in our relationship than I was at him. Because I loved him so much, and I still was continuing this sick cycle even after we broke up and after he moved out. I had to learn to face the truth, as I also had to learn to come to terms with my own faults. Also in June I had a falling out with the only close friend I felt like I had. The person was angry for selfish reasons and I already spoke about all of this a few posts ago. But while being depressed about my ex and other friends, this person made sure to make me feel lower than I already felt if it was possible. I could not believe the only person I was basically relying on emotionally would do that to me. If I could erase the month of June (minus the part when Amanda came) honestly I would. It’s when everything hit me the hardest. Madonna’s song “I rise” came when I needed it the most. The lyrics are so uplifting and so encouraging. They spoke to my soul. I believe it’s what motivated me to get my shit together and continue on my path to my journey I needed to be on that started when I was in Vegas. In the song she sings “Freedom’s what you choose to do with what’s been done to you. No one can hurt now unless you want them to. No one can hurt you now unless you allow them to”. That spoke to me. It was time to stop allowing these things to get to me. It was tome to stop obsessing over it. It was time to stop blaming myself. It was time to stop letting these people bring me down. It was time to stop hurting. It was time to stop crying. It was time to stop drinking myself half to death. It was time to rise up above it all and move on. “Died a thousand times, managed to survive. I won’t breakdown now, I can’t take that”... I would be lying if I said I am completely healed. I would be lying if i said I am no longer angry. I would be lying if I said I am completely over my ex, that I don’t still love him, don’t still dream about him constantly, don’t still care about him, or worry about him. I would be lying if I said I forgive all that has happened. I am still not there yet. I am not sure when I will be. But I know slowly but surely I am getting there. I know I have improved even if there’s still a lot of room for a shit ton of more improvement. I do feel ridiculous sometimes because people have been through much worse. In fact I have been through much worse. I had a very rough childhood. I didn’t come from a home that was like the movies or tv shows. I was surrounded by pure misery, bitterness, and anger for as long as I can remember. Every Holliday or event there was a big blow out or a fight. There was not enough love but constant fighting and arguing. Everything felt like a ticking time bomb was about to go off. I had to carry this with me every single day. I suffered from severe anxiety which is something that has scarred me for life. I didn’t do well in school and was told by several people that it was because I had a learning disability. I had issues focusing in class, I had issues studying for exams, I had issues being able to get my work done with the constant pressure and anxiety that was weighing me down. Who knows? Maybe I really did have a learning disability. But I do know a lot of fucked up shit was going on at home that nobody knew about but myself. Whenever I expressed concern about it at home I was shut down, told I was interpreting things wrong, and that I was crazy. This was a pattern I had to deal with throughout my entire life because I would choose people to be in my life who treated me in this exact same way. It’s part of why I am struggling with moving on from everything else that happened, because it’s all been nonstop and never ending for as long as I can remember. I had a rough life. I’ve dealt with sexual assault, I’ve been robbed and almost killed and then was humiliated and made fun of about it. I experimented with drugs and partied way too hard at one point when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I would go out seven nights a week, I was underaged with a fake ID. Partying was all I cared about because it was my escape from a mentally draining and exhausting household. I had friends who used and abused me. Stole money from me, took advantage of my kindness, and only cared about themselves. People twisted stories around to make me look bad so many times I can’t keep track anymore, people I have gone above and beyond for, and did the most for...I never expected any of this to happen when it did the last time that it did with that particular group of friends, but history repeated itself yet again, it just hurt more this time. I do have to blame myself for continuously putting myself in bad situations and allowing bad people into my life. But lesson learned and here I am now, even if nobody cares. I through my life away in my twenties instead of doing what was right for me. I’ve sunk myself into an incredible amount of debt. It honestly feels like my life has been falling apart since the day I came onto this earth. It’s amazing that I managed to survive. So yes, maybe I am overreacting about little things I’ve been through such as a breakup or loss of friendships due to the breakup, etc. Maybe I handled things wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t still feel so hurt or upset. But man, something has got to give. I’ve been through too much in life and I am almost thirty years old. I am just tired. It’s part of why I was ready to give up last year when my ex broke up with me and when everything went down with my friends. I was tired of my life constantly falling apart. I sunk so low.... It’s weird though because anyone else might have completely lost themselves but I am learning to “rise up above it all”. I think I had to hit rock bottom to finally know what happiness feels like. I am still a mess. I still suffer from a deal of hopelessness and heartache. But for the first time ever I think I know what happiness feels like. Even if it could be better than this. Even if this still needs improvement. For the first time ever I’ve found resilience. I know that I will rise. As Madonna sings as she closes her Madame X show with “I rise”, she walks down the aisles chanting “I will rise” over and over as she walks out. I think having to face the truth about everyone in my life and really facing it and feeling it is what has helped me. So yes, I might still be upset, I might still be angry, I might still be bitter at times. But I have improved with those feelings because I don’t think about the situation as much as I used to. It doesn’t control my life. And I was forced to accept things that were out of my control for what they were and found some kind of strength. It takes baby steps to heal, I still have a long way to go but I have come very far. Without music I wouldn’t have survived. Madonna has saved my life many times. When I went through that rough childhood I would listen to her ray of light album over and over again. The songs touched my soul and calmed my nerves. My anxiety would be at ease. That album was so powerful for me and I am not sure I would’ve survived without it. And she still has this affect on me today. Her current album has so many songs that have touched me and saved me. And one thing she’s taught me is to not be afraid to express myself, and that I should never repress myself. I also used to write in journals whenever I would go through something and I would write for hours. Writing has always helped me. In fact I promised myself in high school that one day I would write a book. A memoir about my life. I told myself I just needed to get older and go through more things. I think I’m at that point now. This is why I have this blog out. I am not afraid to speak my truth. It has helped me heal. And this is my journey. It’s a journey of love, and finding love within yourself. Not finding love from someone else. Not needing your feelings validated from someone else. But doing it all for yourself. I’m learning to do that and it’s also part of why I’m finally feeling some kind of happiness for the first time ever. I am thankful to have this outlet where I can let this all out. And I truly hope people understand that and know that that is truly what this is all about. That is the actual purpose of this. Of course also because I love pop culture and pop music and want an outlet to speak about that as well. When I saw Madonna back in October she said she does what she does not to be loved, but to feel free. And that’s the point of me making this blog. I am not here to be loved, I am here to be free. And that is what this has done for me. Maybe one million people will read it, maybe ten people will, maybe nobody will. It does not matter to me. Just pouring it all out and sharing my stories and my thoughts has been beyond beneficial to me mentally. It’s helped so much with my healing and has worked better than any kind of therapy ever has that I have tried over the years. I feel like I am there or getting there more and more, but yes, I will rise. I. Will. Rise. I have to because it’s human nature. Absolutely...No...Regrets.... Songs to go with post: I Rise Madonna: www.youtube.com/watch?v=qf2ExGIXKBM Human Nature Live Madonna Ft. Britney Spears: www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWI0w9rslb0 Unapologetic Bitch Madonna: www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7lzOXlK1D8 Anyone Demi Lovato: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jW3aJ-3SEVU |
AuthorLouis Capici works in the health field and plays a role in saving lives. He writes on the side to express his views and thoughts on life. Archives
December 2020
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