Part 1 The Rose...
Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower, and you, its only seed
It's the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose-The Rose Bette Midler
“Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting, yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free”-The Better Man Project...
Vulnerability....I feel like I came out of the womb vulnerable. A young, sensitive soul longing for love and affection from those around him. Most importantly seeking acceptance. Thirty years later, and through the many things I’ve been through, I find myself more vulnerable than ever. The vulnerability is so strong it has caused me to be very self destructive and make horrible decisions throughout my life....Yet it’s a blessing as much as it’s a curse because I always speak my truth and everything that happens occurs because it’s supposed to.
When I became single for the first time in years I remember the things my family would tell me to try and make me feel better. The biggest thing I was told over and over again was that I was young, handsome, have a whole life ahead of me, and I will find someone new. I was told this over and over again.
The one thing I always struggled with was knowing that I’m handsome or good looking. Low self esteem, insecurities, and suffering from body dysmorphia have clouded my perceptions of myself. Unfortunately these insecurities played a big role in my last relationship. While I was hurting for many reasons that I will always justify that also contributed to my issues, I know there were times I was overly sensitive or overreacted to certain things due to my deep rooted insecurities which were and are ruining my life.
One thing I was able to learn over the past two years of being single, is that my family was right about one thing, I can indeed find somebody else. Men are attracted to me despite my flaws, my body, despite the things I hate about myself, men see something in me that most of the time I cannot see within myself or understand no matter how much I try.
I think everyone assumed that once I would figure this out I would be happier and feel better about losing the love of my life. I think they thought that once I would realize I can find someone else, I would choose someone and settle and move on with my life.
Well it doesn’t work that way....
Part 2 Rain on Me...
This has been a shit storm of a year, raining never ending shit coming down on all of us since this pandemic happened. I got sick just as this blew up, I then had to return to work and had to be a front line worker fearing for my life every day, coming home and just crying my eyes out, seeing sickness and death all day every day. I had already struggled the past two years mentally and emotionally trying to move on from things I went though, and just as I was starting to heal and move on, the world decided to start falling apart.
As things started to get better with the pandemic and as I wasn’t dealing with it as much at work anymore, my grandmother got sick and passed away. I think that was the hardest thing I had to go through, worse than anything. I was very close to her, it was the first death I experienced where I felt like apart of me had died too. She was sick and suffering for a long time so maybe after already going through everything I had, I just was overly sensitive and couldn’t take it anymore.
I almost feel like I don’t have a soul anymore because I’ve become so numb to everything. After dealing with her death, my apartment building decided to raise my rent thirteen percent. I cannot afford this increase. They did this to me knowing I no longer have a roommate and during a pandemic on top of that. So now I have to worry about how I’m going to continue to survive and get by with this unethical rent increase all the while trying to pay other bills and have money for groceries.
I am tired. I sometimes feel like I keep losing and like I’ve lost everything.
For some reason though I am realizing that through all this pain and suffering, somehow I am winning. The storm has not stopped. It’s like a never ending hurricane. “I’d rather be dry but at least I’m alive”. At this point I’m here for it. I’m ready, rain on me....
Living in a world where no ones innocent,
oh but at least we try.
Gotta live my truth, not keep it bottled in.
So I don’t lose my mind....
I didn’t realize there was going to be a storm today. I did not have an umbrella. When I stepped out of work at four pm it was so dark out and windy as hell. The thunder made the streets shake. I was petrified. I found a cafe underneath a scaffolding and I decided to get a kombucha and sit there and try and wait it out. It wasn’t till I realized it wasn’t going to stop for hours that I decided to brave the storm and get soaked in the rain. I instantly played “Rain on Me” by Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande and I danced in the street by myself.
I’ve honestly been so stressed and overwhelmed with life between Covid, my grandmother’s death, and other personal life struggles. I’ve tried so hard to stay strong through life’s obstacles which have felt never ending for me the past few years let alone past few months. It’s taken a whole lot of strength to not completely lose myself or spiral backwards and relapse to how I was last year.
Being stuck in that rain for some weird reason felt so good. I felt every lyric in that song. I realized I was holding so much in the past two years and I could no longer do that. I needed to speak up before I completely lost my mind. I felt the stress and anxiety of everything leave my body for just a few moments and it felt amazing. Something I felt scared to do and it was as simple as just walking through a rain storm and it ended up being the most exhilarating thing I’ve experienced in months. Which is probably sad since there’s little to no excitement these days. But at least it gave me the strength I needed to speak my truth.
Normally I’m scared to take my mask off in public places but there was no one in the streets so I decided to take it off for just a few minutes and breathe it all in. Take in the rainy, wet, fresh air. And it felt amazing. Never realized how good fresh air felt till we had to start wearing masks, even if it’s humid and rainy air.
Part 3 Sine From Above
Lately, I’ve been on a spiritual path. I light incense every night, sage my apartment, light palo santo and candles, read tarot cards, and meditate. I listen to music to heal my soul. Going through everything I have could’ve gone one of two ways: I hit rock bottom and kill myself, or I find meaning to life and everything I’ve gone through and live....
I’ve been looking for many signs lately through all these hardships and I keep coming across them and I know it’s all for a reason. I believe my grandmother is with me always. I’m just trying to process everything and figure it all out. Trying to figure out what’s right and wrong, should I take risks where I can initially get hurt again? Will I be stronger this time?
I’ve come to terms with a lot of things, I’ve realized a lot of things, and I know what I wish, dream, and hope for. Even if in reality it’s not what’s best, it might not happen, and I might get hurt, it still feels right. I think I finally at least figured out what my issue has been all along. This is why I started this blog in the first place. Part of it was to channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw while I chase Mr. Big and talk about the heartache he put me through and single life in my thirties living in New York City.
But the main reason for this blog, I’ve said it over and over again... It wasn’t to play victim, be cruel, or get revenge...It was to start a healing process for myself and find closure with why I was so hurt and upset by everything that had happened. Also to have an outlet to remind people to ARREST BREONNA TAYLOR’S MURDERERS...
When I was young, I prayed for lighting
My mother said it would come and find me
I found myself without a prayer
I lost my love and no one cared
When I was young, I prayed for lightning
Yeah, I looked
With my face up to the sky
But I saw nothing there
No, no, nothing there
Yeah, I stared
While my eyes filled up with tears
But there was nothing there
No, no, nothing
I heard one sine from above
I heard one sine from above
Then the signal split in two
The sound created stars like me and you
Before there was love, there was silence
I heard one sine
And it healed my heart, heard a sine
Healed my heart, heard a sine
Healed my heart, heard a sine
When I was young, I felt immortal
And not a day went by without a struggle
I lived my days just for the nights
I lost myself under the lights
When I was young, I felt immortal
Yeah, I looked
With my face up to the sky
But I saw nothing there
No, no, nothing there
Yeah, I stared
While my eyes filled up with tears
But there was nothing there
No, no, nothing
I heard one sine from above
I heard one sine from above
Then the signal split in two
The sound created stars like me and you
Before there was love, there was silence
I heard one sine
And it healed my heart, heard a sine
When I was young I wanted to be accepted. I was an outcast, I was a nerd who didn’t have many friends and was over four hundred pounds. I hated myself. I used to call myself a monster and I wished I would die. I identified with the book Frankenstein because I felt like the monster in the book who just wanted to be accepted and wanted to be loved...
That’s all I cared about. I prayed that someone would look at me, be attracted to me, but also care about me with everything in their soul. “I prayed for lightning” as Gaga sings in her song. I wanted so badly to feel one with the world and feel good about myself.
Being overweight and unattractive as a kid into early adulthood, I never thought that could happen. Then I lost weight and felt like I was on top of the world. I felt immortal. I would party till the break of dawn seven nights a week, I hooked up with a lot of guys and went on a lot of dates. But when guys liked me I didn’t understand why. I still felt like that four hundred pound, ugly monster and no matter what I couldn’t get past it. I would obsess over my looks and cry every time I looked in the mirror. Even when I was at my thinnest. I didn’t think I would ever find true love because who would want someone as hideous as me?
To suppress those feelings I lived the night life. I drank and partied hard. I drank my sorrows away and danced on tables, danced all night long till the sun would come up. I experimented with drugs and just lived the high life. I went to every club with a fake ID. When I’d walk the streets of New York City, no matter where I would go, I’d always run into someone I knew.
“I lived my days just for the nights, I lost myself under the lights”.
Life was a party and nothing mattered anymore. Except something always did feel like it was missing...
As I was maturing I realized the party life was missing meaning. I still felt empty inside and so alone. Even if I had five hundred friends. Even if I had the looks and guys liked me. Because obviously I didn’t realize I had the looks. But the truth is despite my crazy insecurities, I did have self respect. I didn’t settle for just anyone. When I dated guys it was short lived because the second something didn’t feel right or if they were unkind to me, or I didn’t feel the connection, I ended things right away and easily.
I always did this, and I do this even now.
For some reason I forgot about that...I think the death of my grandmother brought out the signs I needed that I was looking for. It made me realize so much. I kept looking for a sign for as long as I can remember but here it was right in front of me...
I didn’t go through everything I did in my past relationship because I didn’t have self respect. I did have self respect. I didn’t blindly look the other way when things happened that hurt me not because I didn’t love myself. I did love myself. I didn’t take all that I did because of my insecurities, or my mental issues (well possibly yes to the mental issues)...
I took it all because I was in love. Not a fake kind of love where someone settles because they don’t want to be alone. Not the fake kind of love where someone is so desperate they will date anyone and just anyone. No this was real, it was pure, it was brought to me from the universe. It wasn’t forced, it happened naturally, it was meant to be.
“Then the signal split in two, the sound created stars like me and you”...
Initially I met this person (let’s call him “Mr. Big” why not?) online but I had little to no interest. I was twenty years old, I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of life, and I had already tried dating someone for a short period of time who was actually emotionally and physically abusive and I was scared to try it again. It was so easy to cut that abusive person off once they messed things up.
I was basically window shopping when it came to men and dating. Sometimes I’d go on more than one date in a single day, never mind how many I went on throughout the week.
I was online dating just to chat, and with most guys, I’d give them my number, but never save them in my phone. And it did get that far with my Mr. Big. I had his number but didn’t save him in my phone. I eventually stopped responding to his texts. I truthfully wasn’t interested. I was just...Window shopping... And I forgot about him completely.
Till one day, a long while after that, a hot summer day in early August, the universe brought us together and I know that happened for a reason. I was out with friends walking around New York City in the union square area going to movie theaters seeing if there was anything we’d be interested in seeing. It was completely spontaneous. We went to a theatre nearby and there he was, right in front of me. The man I ignored when he tried to get to know me. Mr. Big himself in the flesh....
At first I couldn’t quite figure out where I knew him from, that’s how much I forgot about him, but I knew instantly I was infatuated with him. He looked at me and gave off this energy to me that had me stare at him in shock as if he were a celebrity and I was star struck. As if he were in fact Mr. Big. I turned bright red, my pulse was racing and my heart was beating so fast. My friends saw my reaction and they encouraged me to go up to him. But I couldn’t remember who he was right away plus it looked like he was on a date with someone else.
I missed the opportunity to approach him as he walked into the movie theater, but I knew we saw each other. I never thought of it as love at first sight, because I never believed it was possible, I don’t think I realized till now that in fact it may have been just that for me. I was so pathetically scared to go up to him.
Later on, I figured out who he was, and thank god I was never the type of person to delete texts, because I had a lot of scrolling to do in my phone to find his number, especially since I didn’t save his name as I didn’t with any of the other boys I was casually talking to. And there he was.
I waited hours, something was holding me back and I felt scared, especially since I ghosted him. Especially since I wasn’t sure if he had a boyfriend. But after a few hours, late at night, I texted him and I asked him if it was him and he wrote back immediately as if he were waiting the whole time for me to text him and he confirmed to me that it was him....
He asked me why I didn’t say hi and I told him because it seemed like he was on a date so it felt weird. He told me he was on a date but that it was horrible and immediately asked to go on a date with me. This shocked me because I was scared he would’ve found me unattractive that day. I had on ripped denim shorts, filthy white vans, and a sex pistols t-shirt. I was so grungy and needed a haircut. I swore I looked like a hot mess.
I told him I wanted to go on a date with him but wanted to speak on the phone first so that we could get to know each other a little bit. He tried calling me then and there but it was late and I had to work early the next morning so I told him we’d talk the next day. I was twenty years old, but I was still responsible and mature to an extent. Also was just mostly nervous as hell.
We spoke on the phone the next day for hours. We hit it off right away and I knew the first date would be a success. However, I was feeling very nervous because I felt like I liked him already. Compared to the other guys, I didn’t think I ever felt this exact way. It took a lot for me to like someone, no matter how good looking they were. I didn’t believe it was possible to like someone so fast either. With this guy, everything was different.
I had butterflies in my stomach, I was so excited that it made me scared. I never get nervous for dates but for this I was. I knew I couldn’t sleep with him right away because if I did I would catch feelings even harder, I mean he was gorgeous and I had intense feelings. And I didn’t want to get hurt. So I made up a story and told him I had plans that evening to help a friend move (she already moved the day before) and that I could meet him for a few hours to get a drink.
I remember he had on this orange graphic t-shirt and had on jeans, and I just thought he was the most adorable geeky man in the world. I couldn’t believe he was interested in me. I took him to a lesbian bar called Cubby Hole and from there we hit it off and the rest was history....
Part 4 One Thousand Doves...
I need you to listen to me, please believe me
I'm completely lonely, please don't judge me
When your tears are falling, I'll catch them as they fall
I need you to listen to me, please don't leave me
I'm not perfect yet but I'll keep trying
When your tears are falling, I'll catch them as they fall
'Cause inside we are really made the same
In life, waiting's just a stupid game
Lift me up, give me a start
Cause I've been flying with some broken arms
Lift me up, just a small nudge
And I'll be flying like a thousand doves
I'd do anything for you to really see me
I am human and visibly bleeding
When your smile is shaking, I'll catch you as you fall
I cry more than I ever say
Each time your love seems to save the day
Lift me up, give me a start
Cause I've been flying with some broken arms
Lift me up, just a small nudge
And I'll be flying like a thousand doves
This man made me comfortable to be my most vulnerable self. He was the first guy that when I told him I had the gastric bypass surgery, something I was extremely embarrassed and ashamed about, he held my hand and was so kind about it and made me feel like it was okay. Other guys had shamed me for it. He was the first guy I showed my deepest and darkest side to because he let me. He made me feel like he’d always be there to lift me up when I was down, through all the demons I was battling and my insecurities and with one small nudge, I would fly like one thousand doves. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss that...
I don’t believe in anything. I’m not a big believer in god or religion. But through this man I felt a spiritual connection that felt implemented from the universe. I think the feelings scared me so much, that it just made my insecurities worse. Being insecure is like being possessed by a demon. When the demon comes it takes over your whole body. It made me so negative. This is where I was to a degree, in fact crazy. I validate the things that occurred that hurt me. But there are things that did make me crazy.
If I didn’t get a text back, if I had to do all the work in terms of communication and making plans, if he didn’t involve me in certain parts of his life, if he left me out of things, had certain friendships with certain people, I jumped to conclusions. Which maybe made it hard for him to properly explain everything. I don’t think I was wrong for my expectations and for feeling bad about most of these things, but I am now able to reevaluate the situations and see maybe where I was wrong with how I handled them.
I was so broken because my insecurities got the best of me. It got in the way of our true love and I let it because I did not know how to control it. It truly is a monster. I always thought I looked like a monster in high school, but the truth is, the true monster was the insecurities that were eating me up inside. Because of this he saw the ugliest side of me I will forever be mortified about. Part of the reason he saw it though was because he brought that out of me, the other reason was I didn’t have self control.
I thought the most negative thoughts. Anyone would’ve felt lucky to have this type of love in their lives, despite the bad things that I had put up with that most people truthfully would not have, I still know a lot of people would’ve killed to have a love like that. I know I would.
This isn’t the type of love that’s in the movies or tv shows. Because life isn’t perfect as we all know. But since I do believe things do happen for a reason, and we came into each other’s lives the way that we did, I truly believe this is the type of love where we were together in past lives. If there are parallel universes out there we are or were together at some point in those other universes. On top of everything we have the same exact birthday, our grandparents have the same birthday, our parents are a day apart, we have the same middle name, what are the odds?
The truth is, when we broke up, it was understandable. It needed to happen. Despite how much I loved him, I truly wasn’t happy. It was something I didn’t have the courage to do myself or to face because the love was so strong, I knew if I lost him, I would lose apart of myself. Despite the shit he was putting me through that I’m sure most would say I was crazy to stay or still have these feelings for this person.
Sometimes I would go over it in my head over and over again how I would breakup with him. I was so unhappy over many things, and rightfully so. But every time I came close I couldn’t do it. And every time he tried to end things I tried to fix it. He was my soulmate. Sometimes I feel he still might be because everything I feared I would feel when we broke up, I felt it all. I feel it all. To this day. I lost apart of my soul and apart of my heart. He is apart of me and I think despite anything I might just be apart of him. And always will be.
This is why it was so hard when I had to face it. I didn’t have a support system when I felt like a piece of my soul had died. “I found myself without a prayer, I lost my love and no one cared”...
The things that occurred after we broke up truly sucked. I had lost friendships, I have had many hardships, I was suicidal and completely lost myself. I wrote this Blog because I was holding in a lot of things that were left unsaid. I didn’t have a support system, I didn’t have a shoulder to cry on, I only had myself. I did have my family and my grandma, I will forever be grateful for them. This was part of why losing my grandmother was so hard for me. She always tried to lift me up when this happened. I still didn’t fully open up to them about what I was feeling. Writing has been very healing and therapeutic for me.
I’m not sure if the feelings were as strong for him as they were for me. Since the very beginning. He always pushed back from taking the relationship to the next step and letting me fully into his life. He seemed like he wanted his freedom most of the time while being with me. Doing whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted, while struggling to care about how things made me feel. And this caused me to retaliate in the ways that I did.
My insecurities will tell me I was under appreciated. Maybe I was. But, even knowing these negative things could happen from the start, I still was infatuated with this man, but I think apart of it had to do with how he made me feel comfortable with myself in ways no one else ever could. He showed me care and love in ways no one else ever did. But I was so traumatized from my childhood, things I’ve been through, I just kept convincing myself that something was wrong and something wasn’t right. For the most part there were things going on that helped play a role in me thinking that which contradicted the good feelings he made me feel. But this was my twin flame.
“Simply put, your twin flame is your mirror.
It seems that once you’ve reached a certain level of consciousness in life, your soul splits in two, before settling into your physical self.
Basically, this means that two of you are wandering planet Earth. The other you is your twin flame and when you cross paths, you immediately feel as if you’re whole again.
As your mirror, they reflect back to you your weaknesses but also your greatest strengths. Essentially, their presence usually brings on a lot of personal growth and transformation.
There is a place where relationships and personal (and spiritual) growth collide. It is a place where all of you exists, unmasked and exposed, and it craves connection like a caterpillar seeking out the perfect branch to build a cocoon”.-Matt Valentine 3 Subtle Differences Between a Twin Flame and a Life Partner.
I feel complete, at ease, and whole when I see this person. To this day...And I do believe apart of why the negative things hurt so much was because maybe in some ways I saw myself in him. Having the same birthday was just a part of it. We were very similar despite how different we were. We both battled some of the same demons that got in the way of us....And a lot of times it felt as if we both wanted to avoid the conflicts by burying our feelings and not communicating and this was the main issue. Because of this, so many things couldn’t be resolved. We each did that in our own ways, which made reading each other very hard. And maybe at the end of the day that’s what hurt us both the most. Our similarities and facing ourselves when facing each other. It’s caused us both to fuck up and hurt each other in many ways....I wonder if all couples experience this?
When it was over it was easier to hate him. At first it felt like he died. I was in mourning. So hating him and being angry and cutting him off and keeping him out of my life was the easiest thing to do for my sanity. However the truth is, it wasn’t that he died, it was that apart of me actually died. A part of my soul was gone. I completely lost myself. I blamed myself for everything, I blamed him for everything, I didn’t know who to blame. I was just so angry.
I tried going out there and dating again, and as you know it has not been successful for me at all. I learned that yes, men are attracted to me, some even are obsessed with me. I’ve had so many crazy stories with trying to put myself out there again and meeting new guys. A big problem is I think I wasn’t trying to find someone new just because I wanted the excitement and see whose out there. I was trying to replace him, and fill the void of losing him, and fix the hole in my heart. I was trying to come back alive and find me again. And in many ways that was wrong because I ended up being an ass to some of these guys.
I finally realized I can no longer wait for this man to make the move and come back to me, but I also should not seriously date or try again till I get completely over this person. But I do think I finally am finding myself at least.
“Before there was love there was silence”....
I’m not sure I ever will get over him. It’s been two years and apart of me still feels lost and broken. Apart of me still hoped he’d change and come to me and own up to everything and tell me he wants to try again. I wish I can let go but I am still struggling to do so....When certain hurtful things came to the surface last year I decided to cut him off for good. We had no more contact, and I hardly acknowledged him when I would run into him.
At one point recently, I came very close to permanently cutting him out of my life. In his own way he showed me concern when certain things happened from the pandemic to my grandmother passing away. And I felt like I needed him to stop because it was making it harder to let him go and I wanted him to stay out of my life forever. I wrote him several letters asking him to stop and stay out of my life. I kept changing the words in them and finally I had one ready for him, and the moment he was coming to me for it, I changed my mind and tossed it out. Something told me it wasn’t the right thing to do. Was it the universe? My emotions? I just don’t know. But it didn’t feel right so I went with my gut. Not sure if that was the right decision but I had to listen to my intuition.
I realized I couldn’t keep him out of my life forever. Because he will always be apart of me. I hate to admit it. I almost hate myself and him for it. But he has my heart and honestly he probably always will. It probably would be stupid to get back together today or tomorrow, because there would need to be some serious remorse and change, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish one day we would be back together. I am not sure if he feels the same way but I am sure he thinks about it. Couples aren’t perfect. Relationships are not like the movies or tv shows. I think the couples who last are the ones who get through things like this, get through “entanglements”, and realize there is enough love to get past it, to heal, and for real change to occur.
“There is no such thing as the perfect soulmate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect, you better run as fast as you can in the other direction. Cause your soulmate is the person who pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit.”-Madonna
The world feels like it is ending and it truly is an eye opener. It makes all the good that happened in the relationship outweigh the bad, it makes all the hurtful things no longer matter, because at this point I don’t know how much longer I am going to be alive....Is throwing it all away and holding on to anger and being hurt over everything worth it anymore when we don’t know what tomorrow will bring? I can’t live with myself thinking we could die and leave things like this....
Most people I know no longer care about the pandemic. While I have been more open to less restrictions I still feel it’s very real and the idea of a second wave feels very scary. Maybe I just have PTSD from surviving 9/11, hurricane sandy, almost being killed and robbed, and now this. But I don’t understand how many are so over it that it doesn’t affect their lives anymore. Well it affects mine still and this is part of why I am feeling all these emotions that I am.
For a long time when we broke up I assumed he was so happy and moved on so fast, while I was so broken and slowly dying inside. Again, that was my insecurities, the monster, getting to me and causing me to have all these assumptions.
Things I found and saw happening also contributed to these feelings. But I view it differently now, I know it wasn’t so easy for him. He just isn’t as emotional, sensitive, or wrapped up into feelings as I am, so he perhaps dealt with it better and that’s the real truth. He bettered himself, I put on weight and drank myself to sleep every night while crying like a baby. Those are things I shouldn’t have done but I finally am changing that slowly but surely.
I know it wasn’t so easy for him. I know that despite whether he still loves me or not, wants to be with me or not, he still cares about me. I’m not sure how I can have him in my life and just be friends. I am not sure I can handle finding out he is seeing someone else when that day comes. But I do know at least right now, he belongs in my life, and in whatever way that is, I guess time will tell...
The truth is I’m incomplete without him in my life. And the universe is telling me, for whatever reason, he needs to be in my life. Whatever role he will play in my life, he needs to be there but he also needs to decide because I won’t put it in all the effort on my own. For now the door is open and the ball is in his court.
We got together in the way that we did for a reason. We broke up for a reason and everything that happened afterwards happened for a reason. I couldn’t end things with him completely when I was about to because I felt it in my soul that I shouldn’t. I know that was the universe telling me not to because I was so determined and came so close.
I just hope all this pain, hurt, and suffering was worth it. I hope I haven’t completely lost my mind after everything I’ve gone through. I know it was worth it though, those years we were together, but now I’m not sure what the future holds. It’s confusing, it’s scary, I’m sitting here confused as fuck wondering what’s right and wrong, but who can worry about that when it feels like the world is ending while going through so much shit? I know for now, just having him back in my life is comforting, it feels safe, and it feels right. Whatever happens from there I hope is what is supposed to happen and that I will make peace with it.
I just pray I fully heal, I fully move on, and I find closure. But I know I am finally getting there and no matter what happens, I will not lose myself in the ways that I have ever again...I forgive everything, I forgive myself. I have to for my own sanity. Everything is so confusing emotionally but what I do know, is that the sun and stars will guide us to whatever paths we are supposed to take.
Tryna rain, tryna rain on the thunder
Tell the storm I'm new
I'm a wall, come and march on the regular
Painting white flags blue
Lord forgive me, I've been running
Running blind in truth
I'ma rain, I'ma rain on this bitter love
Tell the sweet I'm new
I'm telling these tears, go and fall away, fall away
May the last one burn into flames
I can't move
Freedom, cut me loose
Where are you?
'Cause I need freedom, too
I break chains all by myself
Won't let my freedom rot in hell
Hey! I'ma keep running
'Cause a winner don't quit on themselves
So I heard there’s this really crazy movie coming out. A racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, white supremacist is the president of the United States. Along the way he does everything in his power to use fear mongering to get folks all riled up, make them feel immigrants are bad people who should be put in cages, whether they are babies or adults, and puts them in concentration camp like settings. In these powder kegs children are drinking out of toilets and representing themselves in court, even if they’re two, while some are dying due to poor living conditions while being detained.
This president in this movie convinces people he’s Christian and uses Jesus’ name to gain support. He is basically a dictator who is narcissistic and constantly shows off all his “accomplishments” because he needs his ass kissed in order to lead the country. His divisive rhetoric tares the country apart. He calls white supremacists “very fine people”....
Four years into this mans presidency, before it ends, a crazy deadly pandemic happens in China that will eventually spread to the rest of the world. He denies it exists and does nothing to prepare for it. Belittles it. Then it comes here and wipes out a big amount of the country and the world. He continuously tries to downplay it without taking responsibility and blaming any and everyone else that he can. He needs his ass kissed to give states the resources they desperately need to fight this pandemic. And despite all this he still has supporters who feed into conspiracy theories and demand the country reopen when we are forced to shut down and social distance. These people protest stay at home orders and he calls them “very good people”.
Despite all this happening and the country and world facing enough trouble, as if the pandemic weren’t enough, we have four evil racist cops kill a black man after being accused of using a bad check in a grocery store. They get him in cuffs and one of the cops has him on the concrete ground with his knee on the mans neck shoving his face into the ground. The man is screaming in agony choking to death and the cop does this for ten minutes gleefully while people record him doing it. The three cops with him do nothing about it and just help this man be murdered....The cops lose their jobs but don’t get indicted or charged with murder until massive protests occur in the country and around the world.
In this movie this causes mass hysteria and anger throughout the country. People start protesting despite being in the middle of a pandemic. People start rioting and being violent. Guns are being shot in the streets, police cars are set on fire, fireworks go off. Thousands of people are taking the streets. Basically a war starts. Stores and buildings get boarded up to prevent vandalization. The president has military tear gas and shoot peaceful protestors so he can go in front of a church and take a picture holding a bible upside down. He shows off all he’s done for Black people instead of making any type of statement about racism to try and show unity. He threatens military action causing more anger and frustration. His supporters pat him on the back and don’t hold him accountable and believe in more conspiracy theories where they think this all was just a plan to make him look bad and push a vaccine on everyone. It went from hospitals being war zones with patients turning into zombies left and right, to the streets being war zones with rioting and protesting happening. People can’t walk outside without knowing if they’re going to get hit by a bullet, get run over by a cop car driving through crowds, get killed by a cop, or by getting a deadly virus....
This movie will win every award in the world. Critics claim it’s so unbelievable, people were on the edge of their seats the entire time losing their minds, and had nightmares for days after watching it......Except...This is not a movie...It’s real life. And at this point who can decipher what’s real and what’s not anymore?
The man who died. His name is George Floyd. He is not the first black person to die in this way. He is not the first person whose name we have to remember. This has been reoccurring since before there were cameras and social media to expose it. But once we had those things what did our country do about it? Absolutely nothing.
This has been going on for a good ten years. We had President Obama in the White House trying to take measures to do something about the racism and hatred but being that the house and senate was mostly ran by republicans he kept getting shot down. White people had the audacity to call him racist for trying to fight racism.
We have Trump who became president afterwards. When people would peacefully protest the national anthem by kneeling they were nothing but shitted on. The president called them “sons of bitches”....The amount of times they tried to peacefully protest they were silenced. Colin Kapernick was fired from the NFL for starting this movement. And the unjust murders kept reoccurring with nothing being done about it.
It got to the point where white people took advantage of the situation, knowing cops could be a deadly threat to blacks, they purposely would call the police on black people over and over again. Accusing them of things that were either lies or overly exaggerated. Doing it on purpose knowing this Black person very well might get killed the second the cops get there....
Fuck them. And fuck the police. I said it and I don’t care. Let me tell you something. I’m ashamed of being white. I’m ashamed of being Italian. I am ashamed. If that causes family or friends to disown me guess what? I do not give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck at all. Italian New Yorkers are the minority in the state of NYC who are republican and are Trump supporters.
They are the minority who are racist and ignore these issues. SHAME ON THEM. They forget their own history when their ancestors first came to America and they were treated like people of color. They need to start being allies to Black people and people of color. They need to stop being ignorant uneducated fools, they need to admit when Trump is wrong and get off his baby pacifier dick already. I’ve completely lost my patience. And this isn’t just Italian Americans in New York City. This is all white people who are just like them. Fuck you. People are in pain. They are tired. And you’re belittling them. You’re more concerned about the cops safety and gaslighting the issue. You are racist.
I actually understand the rioting. I don’t condone it or wouldn’t participate in it. But I get it....You know why? Because people have tried everything. Every peaceful protest was shitted on. Too many people are being killed left and right unjustly and literally nothing is being done. It’s like the first time ever cops are getting arrested for this and it took all the rioting and violence for Minneapolis to do something. Why is that? Can anyone explain? Instead of condemning the protesters I think people need to start questioning why exactly it’s happening...I think people need to learn to stop being selfish mother fuckers and learn to be empathetic. You want people to be patriotic when the national anthem plays? Fuck patriotism.
I think what disgusts me the most are the folks on social media who were silent through all the racism, all the unjust deaths, but feel the need to jump to the defense of police officers. They said nothing about black people facing these constant unjust deaths, they did not bat an eye. But came to the defense of police officers. Misinterpreting the entire situation, making it something it is not. They feel this is a war on police. They feel people are saying “ALL police are bad” and it’s truly nauseating. Nobody is fucking saying that. Not one person is saying that. And it’s unnecessary to come here and start crying about how “not all cops are bad”....
It’s like the people who don’t say anything about mass shootings when they happen but feel the need to inappropriately defend guns and owning guns when children were shot to death in a school. What is wrong with Americans? Why are we like this? And these people call themselves “Christians”. Yes because Jesus would support this type of behavior. Jesus would support a President tear gassing and shooting peaceful protestors in front of their own church, so he can have a photo op holding a bible upside down. Yes Jesus of all people who fought against these things would be okay with this....
I won’t ever explain that there are good cops out there. I won’t ever say they aren’t all bad. Because while those statements are true, they deflect from the point. There are clearly more bad cops than good and this is a serious problem. Maybe if we defund the police and put money towards education and mental health there will be less crime in the streets. The abuse of power and force is the issue and shame on anyone who doesn’t give a fuck about it.
Enough is enough. I’m sorry between the pandemic and these protests getting wild and out of control, the world is getting exactly what it deserves right now. Literally. Do I like violent protests? No. Do I like corona virus? No. Do I think all cops are bad? No but fuck the police anyway because there seems to be more bad than good. The good cops need to come forward more and speak out about their shitty coworkers who they know damn well they work with. They need to stop being silent. Stop standing back and watching and doing nothing as your coworker kills someone for no reason.
I applaud the cops who do speak out about this. Who do kneel with protestors and who get it. But there aren’t enough of them I’m sorry. This is just sickening and disgusting. Other countries around the world are protesting for us. Risking their lives while facing this pandemic as well. That’s how bad it is here. It’s embarrassing. If this were a movie we are at the part right before people need to flee the country and seek asylum. We are turning into the handmaids tale for real....
I am proud of my coworkers who were front line workers, nurses who became soldiers, who went out and protested against police brutality. They put their lives on the line everyday and decided to fight for this movement. They gave me such inspiration that I felt so riled up to fight against this bull shit and decided to do the same. I honestly hate racism, bigotry, and ignorance more than covid 19.
We were forced to be soldiers during covid and we now feel the power within us to go out there and also fight for our black brothers and sisters who have faced oppression for hundreds of years. We had to risk our lives every day being in front of the lines with this virus, as essential workers being on the trains, not being able to social distance at work. So we must risk our lives and join these protests and stand up for our black brothers and sisters, even if it means we are at double risk of getting corona.
I went to the protests and I held a sign where one side quoted Madonna’s song “god control”. I wrote “EVERYONE KNOWS THE DAMN TRUTH! OUR NATION LIED, WE’VE LOST RESPECT every day they have a kind of victory. Blood of innocence spread everywhere! They say that we need love but we need more than this!” And underneath I wrote “BLACK LIVES MATTER!”. On the other side I wrote “HEALTHCARE HEROS SUPPORT BLACK LIVES MATTER!” “RACISM AND POLICE BRUTALITY ARE WORSE THAN COVID!”
The protests were the highlight of 2020 for me. I needed it. It was the first time I felt unity in years, let alone weeks. There were people of all colors, sexual orientations, and walks of life. It was my first social gathering in months and it brought me out of the darkness I’ve been stuck in for so long. For once in my life I felt hope. I forgot what that felt like. The friends I went with are my family. It felt great to parade around the streets of New York chanting for equal rights screaming “black lives matter”. It felt good to also be educated on systematic racism that has taken place since the thirteenth amendment was implemented in 1865 to keep black people enslaved. It felt good to be educated on what “defund the police” actually means. I really need some of you to educate yourselves.
With everything going on in this world I completely forgot that it was pride month. I just want to ask the LGBT community to remember who fought for us. Please remember Marsha P. Johnson, a black trans woman who was brave enough to be a prominent hero during the stone wall riots in 1969... I ask you all to remember this because we have other oppressed groups who we need to stand in solidarity with this year more than ever.
We must join forces with the Black Lives Matter movement during these horrific times.
I have been almost killed, harassed, and tormented for being gay. However if I keep my mouth shut and don’t wear certain clothes I can hide it. I shouldn’t ever have to hide it but I can.
Black people cannot hide being black. They cannot pretend to be something they are not. We must stand with them as they face these unjust deaths. I put these things on my dating profile on grindr and some racist asshole actually came to me and said I am a disgrace to my family because of my stance on black lives matter. He said I only care because I like black dick in my mouth and how ten white policemen died under Obama and no one cared. He also told me black people don’t care about me. Well fuck him because some of the only people who ever actually cared about me were black. Shame on him, a gay person of all people should know better. I will call you out on both your silence and your racism.
I want pride month to be exclusive this year to any and everyone who has struggled with being proud of who they are. Please, despite the unjust killings, unjust pandemic, unjust world, please be proud of who you are. And be proud of any oppressed group who also may have struggled to be who they are in this society due to ignorant hateful people we have to walk amongst in this world.
We must all stand up together. We must rise up above it all!
To quote Madonna’s “I Rise”:
Freedoms what you choose to do with what’s been done to you. No one can hurt you now unless you allow them to!
If there is no justice there will be no peace. If there is no justice there will be no rest. We need healing in this world but first we need change. I want to see change in my life time. I don’t want to see innocent children and adults keep dying cause of the color of their skin. Being black isn’t a disease like covid. Being black is beautiful and people are just jealous! Black lives matter!
RIP to my grandma....
Songs that Inspired post:
God Control Madonna:
Every night, before I close my eyes
I say a little prayer that you'll have mercy on me
Please dear God, to live inside the divine
Not like I want to die
Teach me to forgive myself
Outlive this hell
Is it really love if it hurts?
Is it really pain if it's inside?
On the outside, I'm strong
Hold my hand, please sympathize
Hard enough tryna forgive
Hard 'nough tryna live
Please don't criticize, yeah
Please, please sympathize, yeah
Somebody to teach me to love
Somebody to help me rise above
I need to survive
I'm looking for....
Sometimes I feel myself praying for redemption. I pray that I will be forgiven for all the mistakes I’ve made, bad choices, and fuck ups. I’ve come to the realization that karma has not worked out in my favor. I feel like I’m being punished for everything I’ve done wrong over the years. I mean we all make mistakes, we are all human, right? But these past few years have had little to no relief for me, and I’m really exhausted. Mentally and physically.
I am an asshole. I don’t think I was before everything that happened to me. But I’ve become an asshole. I don’t reach out to people that much anymore, I don’t care to talk to anyone, I am a loner and I only enjoy spending time with myself. I think it’s because I’ve been hurt by so many people and I’ve gone through so many friendships throughout my life that I currently don’t feel the need to interact with anyone, socially or romantically.
This has been going on for quite some time for me which is why it’s been so easy for me to social distance throughout this pandemic. It’s difficult for folks to comprehend why it’s so important for people to stay home and stick to themselves during this situation but for me it comes so easy. I don’t need to see friends or family constantly. I don’t need a significant other to get through life. Maybe it’s sad and pathetic but I’m content being this way.
What I’m more upset about is the things I’ve had planned to do by myself this year that won’t happen. I was supposed to see Alanis Morissette in concert for the first time, already got postponed for next year. I was supposed to see Janet Jackson, and Lady Gaga as an early birthday celebration in August being that I turn 30 in September. And hopefully was going to take a solo trip for my birthday.
These things aren’t happening and I’m bummed but I am happy to be alive at least. To survive while working hands on with this virus and being sick back when it started. For that I am grateful. But my point is, I like to do things alone and I’ve become such a loner. Does anyone else relate?
Recently I made the mistake of getting somewhat romantically involved with someone I met online. He was handsome and tall, Latino guy with a thick Staten Island accent. I thought he was cool and as usual, I was in shock that he was interested in me. That happens every time an attractive guy is into me. I always am in disbelief or want to know what it is they want from me exactly. Self esteem issues much?
Well it seemed he was starting to get intense feelings for me right away. And I was iffy about it and felt weird but I really wanted to give him a chance and get to know him and I figured maybe it’s was not so bad. It’s about time I move on with my life anyway and have something exciting happen in the middle of all this darkness.
Unfortunately for my liking he did too much. He called me constantly keeping me up late when I have a stressful exhausting job (well that’s my fault for allowing it not his). He was calling our FaceTime interactions “dates”...He has literally 100 friends, no lie, he listed every single one of them to me by name. I used to have that many friends when I was younger but now my circle is so small that one hundred friends sounds intense to me. He told me he told every single one of them about me. Showed them my picture and talked all about me.
I fucked up here. Because I should have been honest and told him that I wasn’t okay with that, but I didn’t. I did tell him I wouldn’t show his picture or say too much about him to my friends until I knew for sure we’d be going somewhere. But I did tell him the very few friends I did mention him to so that just lead him on a little bit I guess.
But from there I was starting to feel turned off for many reasons. He told me his friends asked all types of questions about me, for example “can he chop wood?”...I was confused by why they would ask that but the more he spoke about them the more I realized what he meant. They were questioning my masculinity, they wanted me to prove to them how manly I am. And I guess he wanted to know too....He basically told me they’d probably test me out to make sure I fit the standards of being a man that they felt would be a good match for their friend.
That was a turn off for me. I am not the most flamboyant nor am I the most masculine. What has always annoyed me though is the amount of times I make friends with people and they feel the need to bring up how they feel that I’m not like most gay guys, they didn’t know I was gay at first, and they feel they are complementing me by comparing me to other gays and letting me know I’m not like those other gays.
I hate that because it’s homophobic. Point blank. But it’s something I’ve grown to accept because it’s been said to me basically my entire life and I’m over it. But I am obsessed with pop culture, Britney Spears, Madonna, Lady Gaga, and Beyoncé. I go to pop concerts several times a year and travel the world for these bitches. I am still as gay as can be, and no I cannot chop wood, nor do I ever want to chop wood. And if I did know how to chop wood it wouldn’t make me anymore of a “man” or any less....So fucking stupid.
But of course....I didn’t say any of this to him. I just said “I don’t care and I have nothing to prove. I’m not scared of your friends”. But I can tell he wanted me to be manlier than I am. He hates Britney Spears ::GASP:: how anyone can hate her I don’t know. I mean it’s not a deal breaker for me if I meet a guy and he’s not a fan. But he didn’t seem to like that I was a fan. Like I’d joke and say for my birthday or Christmas I would want something Britney related and he was like “hell no” he was serious. And I couldn’t help but feel like he’d be happier if I asked for a tool box, an ax, hammer, or a gun.
I don’t care about presents, but I do care about my significant other supporting my interests and being accepting of them. He also is an intense gamer and kept pushing gaming on me. Trying to make me feel like we have to play together and we’ll keep trying games till I find one I like and he’ll teach me how to play them right. Despite how many times I said I was not interested he was trying to push this on me.
I basically was starting to feel like there was no connection. Just somewhat of an attraction but nothing beyond that. And the more he was telling me about his day the more I realized he was breaking the rules and not social distancing. At first he made me feel he was taking it very seriously. He made me feel like he understood, because he knew my job description and my stance on the importance of social distancing.
Then he tells me he’s hanging with friends every single day. Going to their houses, cooking together, drinking, basically not following social distancing at all. At this point I just am numb to people’s selfishness and stupidity. Because you can’t change stupid or get people to comprehend.
Then he told me he didn’t care and that we were gonna meet and he was going to kiss me. He was very pushy about it. At one point I liked fantasizing with him about cuddling, hugging, and kissing. I’ve had an intense past few months and each day it gets worse and keeping it real, yes I’m a loner, but lately I’ve really needed a fucking hug. Like a really good hug. And I haven’t had one since my ex and I broke up. I forgot what a good hug feels like. But I’ve been going through hell and I really need one, and just talking about it felt nice. But I guess that lead him on even more.
So he basically was trying to quarantine and chill I guess. Even though I’m terrified for my health every single day now. He also was confused about why people need to wear masks. Anytime he let something slip that sounded uneducated and ignorant and I explained it to him he would pretend like he understood but kept doing whatever he was doing.
I just felt done. But as usual mentally I start to think it’s more mean to cut someone off and end things than tell the truth. Because the guilt eats me up alive. But just like with every single guy I was talking to over the past year and a half, I did just that. I cut him off and ended it.
I’m better off alone. I’m still not over what I’ve been through. I keep trying to force myself to be, and every time I come close to it and feel fine, something happens in life that triggers me and I relapse. I also am awful at expressing my feelings. I hold everything in and it’s done more damage than good for me. I constantly battle with validating my feelings and get panic attacks about coming off as crazy. It’s a struggle with any and every situation.
As Alanis Morissette sings in her new song, “these are the reasons I drink”. “These are the reasons I pretend I am fine even though I am not”. But no matter what, I “keep on smiling”. Because I can’t let my misery get me down...
This is a life of extremes
Both sides are slippery and enticing
These are my places off the rails
And this, my loose recollection of a falling
I barely remember who I failed
I was just trying to keep it together
This is my first wave of my white flag
This is the sound of me hitting bottom
This my surrender, if that's what you call it
In the anatomy of my crash
And I keep on smiling
Keep on moving
Can't stand still
Me, the notorious bottom dweller
Me, the ceiling-less brave explorer
Lured to the ends of overwhelm
This is my first wave of the white flag
This is the sound of me hitting bottom
This my surrender, if that's what I call it
In the anatomy of my crash
And I keep on smiling
Keep on moving
Can't stand still
I just keep fake smiling all day every day. I put on a show to act like I’m fine. It’s the only way I can do my job and have a life....
I’m not sure what it will take for me to get closure. It does not help that life keeps having its downs more than its ups. I mean this pandemic is truly a nightmare, it’s something that is ruining all of our lives. And it’s made me more vulnerable and sad and hurt. It’s difficult having to see certain people at work, they are the exact reminders of the pain and hurt I’m trying to move on from. But yet I “keep on smiling”....
I’m literally gonna be like Ariana Grande and just say “fuck it” and scream from the mountain tops “FUCK A FAKE SMILE” cause as she stated in the song, she’s been through way too much, so why bother faking it anymore? The song is seriously an anthem to people who no longer care about how they come off. But when I do have my days where I can’t fake it and I want to stick to myself, people don’t respect it, instead they want to know what’s wrong and will keep asking till I tell them. But sometimes I don’t want to hear advice that will only make me feel worse, so that’s why I make myself keep on smiling....
As I stated, I have a serious issue of needing my feelings to be validated. And I think the biggest struggle I have with everything is knowing my feelings with everything that happened will never ever be validated. I’ll always be the crazy one and the bad guy. I’ll always be insane and nuts. It’s made me lose myself entirely. I don’t want to be involved with people, I don’t care to have friends, I get annoyed and overly sensitive easily, which have always been major flaws of mine but it’s worse now if it’s possible. I’m constantly on defense mode even if people are playing around or joking with me. And of course the more defensive I get the more they’ll push my buttons.
I wish I knew how to cope with my feelings better. I guess I keep day dreaming of the people that hurt me coming to me and apologizing and meaning it. Coming to me and saying they fucked up and that I’m not crazy. I fantasize that they admit that if they cared about me they would’ve taken my feelings into consideration and that they know that they messed up. I’m not saying I want this because I want to be friends with them. I just want to find closure. No matter how much I try and look for it I never can get it. And as usual as I type this out I have to question myself. Am I playing victim? Am I actually crazy? Should I have spoke out instead of cutting them out? Is it my fault?
I am sure if I wanted to be the first person to try and reach out some would agree to make peace. I’m sure some would ignore me. The problem with all of this is that when they were hurting me I chose to not speak up. Now I’m holding in all this pain and hurt that I’m worried I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I guess I wrote this blog to release everything I’ve been holding in.
It will forever break my heart that I couldn’t have a talk with my ex about all of this. It will forever break my heart that so many things were left unsaid after so many years. It will kill me inside for as long as it takes to move on. But I was tired of being ignored and feeling like I was a psychopath. Mentally I could not handle that anymore. I knew just letting go and cutting off was better for me than trying to say anything or trying to salvage anything. I had to break the toxic cycle, but sadly it still does kill me inside sometimes. Most times...
The thing is, I usually don’t ever have pride, but with this I do. I’ve been put through too much and I refuse to be the first person. I guess my problem is I need to accept the fact that these people think I’m crazy and don’t feel an ounce of remorse for everything that happened.
Through this though I’m the one feeling remorse. I’ve decided I need to learn to stop looking for remorse from people who hurt me, to stop fantasizing about situations that will never happen. To accept things that occurred almost two years ago now. And move on with my life.
I feel remorse for letting this drag out as long as I did. I feel remorse for drinking so much, over eating to cope with the pain, and making all kinds of terrible mistakes to try and deal with everything. “Here are the reasons I eat. Reasons I feel everything so deeply when I’m not medicated”....I feel remorse for feeling embarrassed about how I look, every time I see these people I feel like I look like shit and I dwell on that. I feel remorse for not doing the right things in order to better my life yet complaining and being miserable about it.
I keep begging for forgiveness from god and the universe. For all the stupid things I’ve done, all the stupid things I do, and the things I struggle to change. People literally joke on my weight and the food I eat and I’m almost 30 years old. This has been a battle since I was a kid. I used to want to kill myself when I was a child and was tormented for being overweight. And even though we are adults now, when people do it to me now it’s very triggering. But I try to laugh it off and pretend like it doesn’t affect me, especially since I’m doing nothing to change it, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to be thin or skinny for people to respect me. I’m just so over this world and this is part of why I social distance.
I just feel like I’m looking for mercy from God. As Madonna sings on her album Madame X:
Every night, before I close my eyes
I say a little prayer that you'll have mercy on me
Please dear God, to live inside the divine
Not like I want to die
Teach me to forgive myself
Outlive this hell
Is it really faith if I'm weak?
Can you tell the truth when you live lies?
I'm just looking for the signs
Hold my hand, please sympathize
Hard enough tryna forgive
Hard 'nough tryna live
Flawed, flawed by design, yeah
Please, please sympathize
Somebody to teach me to love
Somebody to help me rise above
I need to survive
I'm looking for (looking for, looking for, looking for, looking for) mercy
I think this song fits my life perfectly and speaks to my soul. I’ve been struggling to forgive myself, to forgive others, to accept what others did, to accept things I’ve done. I want to be loved, I want to be accepted for who I am. At this point I’m looking for mercy. Is it from those who hurt me? Yes. But more importantly from god and the universe. To guide me through the pain and suffering I’ve been enduring the past few years and throughout my life. To help me be strong through this pandemic and finally move on from the past. I’m alive after all and so is everyone I care about, and I’m trying to be grateful and hopeful but it’s oh so hard right now. The constant fear is getting to me mentally.
I clearly keep looking for love to realize I’m not quite ready for it. I don’t think I ever will be till I move on from the past. I keep giving the wrong guys chances and then I become the asshole when I realize they aren’t a good match for me. I’d rather spend my Saturday nights at home alone not talking to a single person all day and night. Blast music, light incense, put on my essential oil diffuser, and enjoy some alone time with wine. Putting effort into men and relationships has become a job when it should be fun and exciting.
I will continue to reflect, write, cope through all this darkness. I think this pandemic has just set me back. The world is beyond scary right now. I don’t know when it will ever be normal again. I am truly scared it never will be the same. That all the things I love to do won’t ever happen again in my lifetime. People keep calling this the “new norm” and it kills me to even think it possibly could be....
I am trying to just mentally hang on and I think it’s definitely playing a role in all these feelings I’ve had. I’m sure almost every human feels the same way right now. This is my way of dealing with it. I write about it, I listen to music, I use songs that inspire my posts, and that’s my healing mechanism. Until I finally learn to better myself and make changes, this is one way I deal with everything without going off the deep end. What is yours? Stay safe folks.
Songs to go with post:
Madonna Looking For Mercy
Alanis Morissette Reasons I Drink
Alanis Morissette Smiling
Ariana Grande Fuck A Fake Smile
Not everyone is coming to the future
Not everyone is learning from the past
Not everyone can come into the future
Not everyone that's here is gonna last
Not everyone is coming to the future
Not everyone is coming from the past
Not everyone can come into the future
Not everyone that's here is gonna last
I am tired of this. I am beyond over this. And I am sure almost every person with a brain feels the same way. For me I’m not sure what upsets me more, the virus itself or how irresponsible people are being because of it. I’m not sure what upsets me more, the virus or Donald Trump and his supporters....
People are actually protesting. They are protesting. I am giving up on this country. Healthcare workers risk their lives enough being exposed to this every single day. And now they are risking their lives even more by having to stand up against these protestors. I am sorry but if you think this is okay I want nothing to do with you. I have no shame in saying that. If you are reading this and feel the economy is more important than this situation and your selfish material life matters more than this situation, honestly fuck you and cut me out of your life.
We are going through hell at work. It’s a war zone. We are seeing sick patients all day every day and body after body. We have to see this, try not to cry constantly and also fear for our health on top of it. But people that don’t experience it themselves or that haven’t gotten sick or have a loved one who got sick are so disgustingly selfish to understand this.
How come we don’t hear about people protesting and taking the streets in other countries? Are they doing this in Italy? I am so fucking over this country and the stupidity and I am sorry but with all I’ve been going through I am beyond ashamed and disgusted to be associated with anyone who has this embarrassing moronic mindset that makes us all look like fools in this country. Why should us people with brains all suffer because of you idiots? I can’t take it anymore.
I have gone back to work after being sick, and everything I see with my own eyes is heartbreaking. You have to really have thick skin to be able to work in the health field. I’ve always had thick skin but obviously I do have a soul and my heart is not made of stone. So I am allowed to say how tough this all is.
I am angry. I am infuriated. My anxiety levels are higher than ever if it’s possible and I have gone through a whole lot in life. I have gone through a whole lot the past two years. I sit here constantly wondering when am I going to finally catch a break? I am trying to not breakdown or lose myself but it’s hard with everything I’ve already been through and now I have to fear for my safety and my health every single day.
I give Cuomo credit because he has been doing a phenomenal job, better than our loser president. He begs and pleads with this man to give us the resources that we need, it should not have to be that way. I don’t understand how people don’t realize it or actually think it’s okay.
We still have lack of testing. We now have this antibody test which I was able to get. At least it’s something but it came out negative for me. The doctor explained to me that this doesn’t mean I didn’t have the virus. It could mean several different things. It could mean I didn’t have the antibodies to fight off the virus if I had it. It could mean I got the blood test too soon. Or it could mean that I never had the virus.
The most accurate test would’ve been the actual Covid test and I should have gotten it when I was sick, but I’ll never know for sure. Fuck you Donald Trump, I am not even going to say what I wish would happen to him for the world to see. But trust me, I feel it in my gut. I’ve never hated someone so much in my life. But I am more disgusted by the fact that people support him. And each time someone in my life supports him, this is why it becomes personal.
I am trying really hard to get it together. I went through a painful breakup, I went through friendships ending with people who should’ve been life long friends, and betrayals when I was at my lowest. I survived the worst depression of my life. And as I was finally healing and getting through it then this had to happen. Another test, another thing to challenge my strength and my mental health.
Before all this, the only thing that was going well for me was my job. I worked my way to a great position and I was so happy for the most part. Now my job is the most nerve wracking, physically exhausting, and mentally draining thing I am dealing with. It doesn’t help that some of the people I’ve cut out of my life work there too and now I have to face them on top of everything else I am dealing with over there. It’s hell on earth for me. Literal hell between the people I have to see, the deaths, the illness, the exhaustion, and the fear of getting sick every single day.
I am either experiencing exposure so close that it scares me constantly that I will end up the next patient whose on a ventilator for weeks before my body is put in a freezer truck. Or I am trying to not cry in a corner. Or I feel like I am going to faint from wearing two masks and carrying and lifting heavy boxes and carts filled with supplies throughout the hospital.
Madonna has a song on her Madame X album called Batuka. Batuka is a song going against oppression and having hope for better days. In the music video it explains where Batuka came from: “Batuque is a style of music created by women that originated in Cape Verde, some say the birth place of slave trade. The drums were condemned by the church and taken away from the slaves because it was considered an act of rebellion. The women continued their singing and dancing and the Batuque lives on today”.
We are not slaves at work. Our situation should never ever be compared to slavery. But I felt the power and meaning of the lyrics and chants in the song. We are like soldiers fighting this battle. This virus feels like it’s oppressing everyone. And obviously it is. We all have lost so many freedoms we have had and it’s causing so much pain. In a way I can understand why people are losing their minds and protesting. When your freedoms are taken away from you it can drive you crazy. It should definitely open peoples minds to what black people have been through in American history from slavery to today.
I literally envision my team and I singing and chanting the lyrics to Batuka throughout the day each time we are doing something grueling and exhausting. Each time we are putting our lives at risk and trying to get through it. I sing the song in my head over and over again and it actually gets me through the day.
Lord have Mercy (Lord have Mercy)
Things have got to change (things have got to change)
There's a storm ahead (there's a storm ahead)
I hear the wind blowing (I hear the wind blowing)
Let me catch my breath (let me catch my breath)
Will we win this race? (Will we win this race?)
Swear the road is long (swear the road is long)
And the highway listens (and the highway listens)
'Cause it's a long way ('cause it's a long way)
It's a long way (it's a long way)
'Cause it's a long day ('cause it's a long day)
It's a long day (it's a long day)
I was up all night
I said a little prayer
Get that old man
Put him in a jail
Where he can't stop us (where he can't stop us)
Where he can't hurt us (where he can't hurt us)
We will stand tall (we will stand tall)
Underneath this tree (underneath this tree)
'Cause it's a
'Cause it's a long way ('cause it's a long way)
It's a long way (it's a long way)
'Cause it's a long day ('cause it's a long day)
It's a long day
But when we can stop it all (but when we can stop it all)
In the right way (in the right way)
Will we stand together? (Will we stand together?)
It's a new day (it's a new day)
So don't judge a human (so don't judge a human)
'Til you're in their shoes ('til you're in their shoes)
If you have a dream (if you have a dream)
Then you can't stop us (then you can't stop us)
Sing, "Hallelujah" (sing, "Hallelujah")
Say, "Amen" (say, "Amen")
Sing, "Hallelujah" (sing, "Hallelujah")
And say, "Amen" (and say, "Amen")
The part where she talks about the “old man” and says “put him in the jail” I am picturing Donald Trump.
I never signed up to be a soldier. It is not who I am. But a good friend of mine told me she’s always seen me as a soldier in a way. Because I’ve always been the person people would flock to for advice or for venting. I always put my problems to the side and put everyone else’s above mine. That sure did end up slapping me in the face so I don’t do that so much anymore. But here I am now, constantly putting my safety to the side as long as my coworkers who are older or have health conditions can stay safe. As long as patients can get better.
I don’t want a medal or an award for this. I am admitting that although I am this type of person, this is not what I signed up for. And each night I lose sleep, and keep waking up in a panic throughout the night, and then have to battle my anxiety throughout the day to stay strong and make it through the day. I do this because I care about my coworkers, I care about my job, and I care about fighting to make this better in anyway that I possibly can. I will need a vacation after this.
A big shout out to the women and older women I work with breaking their backs right now. They are working so incredibly hard through all their pain and exhaustion. If anyone deserves a medal it’s them. If anyone should be considered super heroes it’s absolutely them.
I shaved my head. I can’t believe I did it myself, and at first it was very blotchy. I fixed it and it doesn’t look too bad. My hair was a mess and making me sweat and suffocate even more than I already do at work and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I shaved my head, now I look like a soldier for real.
What’s crazy is as I put this story out there and my experience, someone will read it and think I am making this up. I’ve been pleading on dating sites for guys to stop meeting and hooking up. It’s truly disturbing how many guys profiles still say they are looking for sex or the amount of guys who have hit me up looking to hook up. I was really coming for the gay community over this but a lot of my girlfriends have told me they have been experiencing the same things. One guy called me a “manipulator” and that I am a liar, and coronavirus is not real. He said it’s the 5G network killing people. Sure....That totally wasn’t a knife in the back along with the amount of other knives that are in it due to this pandemic. Thank you sir.
One guy messaged me asking if we would be safe if we had masks on while fucking. And another yelled at me and said he was already tested and it came out negative so he can do whatever he wants. I wonder if they think wearing a mask would prevent HIV if they have raw sex? I wonder if they think if they get tested negative for HIV they can fuck whoever they want raw....
Another guy whose in an open relationship hit me up looking for sex. I went off on him and told him how selfish he is and irresponsible for looking for sex right now when he is in a relationship. His response: “fuck that”....
Then some guy came at me and told me this isn’t real. I am more likely to get the virus because of my weight and how fat I am and sent me a fake news article demanding I read it. People are so selfish that they will go above and beyond to embarrass themselves with this situation because they can’t keep their dicks in their pants. They are degrading and going off on a healthcare worker because they want the right to hookup with strangers and have sex. I hate humans and I am hating American humans more and more each fucking day.
Listen, I’ve been social distancing long before this pandemic, and maybe that’s why it’s so easy for me to follow the rules. Over the past few years I’ve cut so many people out of my life and have been spending time with mostly myself. But if people can’t follow the rules because they don’t want to believe this is real, or they will lose their minds being stuck at home, or no matter what the reason is, it’s truly selfish. I get that it’s not easy, but staying home is the most important thing humans can do right now, and clearly it’s asking for too much.
I have friends I see hanging out in groups and posting it in their Instagram stories. To me that’s a slap in the face with everything I am going through. People refuse to understand that the most vicious thing about the virus that makes it so hard to comprehend is that one person can have it and not have a single symptom. That person can pass it along to someone else who thinks it’s just a cold or flu like and then that person will pass it to someone who will end up in the hospital and possibly die.
This virus is so vicious with the spreading because so many have it and don’t even know it. It affects everyone differently no matter what their age is. So it’s selfish to not understand this. And this goes to the folks protesting or in a rush to reopen the economy. I mean what do they think is gonna happen when more people get sick and the numbers go back up? It’ll only prolong the economy being fucked and will only lead us to a great depression. Why does the economy matter more than human life? They don’t even realize their putting their own lives at risk. This is Darwinism happening before our very eyes folks. Again I’ve had it, and I will most likely social distance for the rest of my life. I don’t even want to date anyone after this at this point.
Madonna has another song on Madame X called “future”. I chose to use the lyrics to open up this post with. Read top of post to refer to them. She also sings:
You ain't woke
Come here woke and hear the broken
Come give hope, come give life
Only get one, so we gotta live it right (gotta live it right)
Come make peace, oh
Come with faith and inspiration
Come complete you
Advice, positive vibes (positive vibes)
Open your mind (open your mind)
Open your eyes (open your eyes)
In order to get through this we need unity. Kind of like we had during 9/11 except we didn’t have an evil dictator dividing all of us back then. Although we still had a moron running the country but I would take him back in a heartbeat over this fucker. But we need to learn from the past in order to make it into the future. I mean there were other pandemics in history, it is beyond shameful people are trying to rewrite history over and over again with their stupidity. Again this is Darwinism though, so if people want to make it to the future they better learn from it. And if people don’t like what I have to say:
We can light up the dark, everyone has a spark
Don't tell me to stop 'cause you said so (oh, yeah)
Your future is bright (bright), just don't turn off the light (lights)
Tell the sun not to shine (bright) 'cause you said so
One thing I think needs to get fixed is NYC. While I think Cuomo is doing a great job there are so many issues that are contributing to prolonging this only getting worse and putting all of us who have to work at even more risk, and I’m also at my wits end with all of those issues.
When I first went back to work I was taking the subway trains. They were horrible. Homeless people have taken over the seats, spread out laying on them. Commuters are then forced to huddle and be on top of each other. On top of it, since any and everyone can take the trains, MTA workers started to get sick causing delays on the trains. The trains kept skipping my stop whether going home or to work, and what should be a half an hour commute ended up being over an hour making me late to work every day.
I decided to switch to the express bus which is $62 a week. I can’t afford that but it feels safer than the trains. It also makes my commute a headache because it doesn’t leave me close to work. I have to either walk far or take other buses in between to get to where I am going. It is so frustrating and causes even more anxiety. It’s like I have to go through hell to get to hell on earth. I have tweeted, complained, and called 3-1-1 about the subway situation but nothing has progressed. It seems most of my coworkers have been going through the same thing. I will not be able to take this bus for much longer because it is expensive so I’ll have to go back to the trains soon.
I don’t understand how in New Jersey you get a special essential worker ID to use public transportation but NYC won’t do the same. The spreading is worse here than anywhere else in the world and this simple fixture can reduce the illness and deaths by so much. But no matter the pleas we are ignored. I am disgusted.
On top of that, I had an issue in my building where I had little to no water pressure for days. Obviously that’s really bad for someone in my situation who is so exposed and needs to rip my clothes off when I get in the door and run to the shower.
It started with my building giving me an excuse and telling me it would be fixed right away. When it wasn’t and I waited a few hours it was late and I had to call security. Obviously I went off since I was fearing for my safety and I am still appalled by my experience with those security guards, which I have recorded. I was yelled at, hung up on, and lied to by them. Despite my pleas and me telling them I’m a healthcare worker. They were beyond disrespectful and rude and should lose their jobs with how they spoke to me.
When this went on for days I was so embarrassed but was losing hope so I reached out to social media friends to help me by giving out my buildings email and phone number. I live in Parkchester housing in the Bronx and I am definitely calling them out for this...
I am so thankful to the friends and family who pulled it together for me and rallied behind me fighting to get my water back and running, because literally through all my complaints and calls every day I kept getting lied to. 3-1-1 was useless and I called them twice. I even put a letter by the elevator on my floor asking everyone to please call and complain about the water pressure for their safety and mine since I’m a healthcare worker exposed to covid every single day.
Once everyone rallied behind me and called and emailed, it got fixed. This is an issue that’s been reoccurring since I live here for six years and I have had it. This cannot happen now with this crisis. The level of disrespect I was given on top of it is so disgusting. And I tried reaching out to the security guards supervisor to complain several times and left a voice mail but never got a call back. So they got away with it.
I need to thank those that helped me with this situation and also those who helped me with the subway situations. Tweets sent out from friends and family making phone calls to 3-1-1 to try and get it fixed. I will forever appreciate the help from everyone. Unfortunately the subway situation has not changed and I’ve been forced to just accept it.
This is not how New Yorkers should be treated especially essential workers going through hell. We are going through enough hell. I know if anyone needs to go outside we are going to be exposed regardless but the conditions can and should be better. And it shouldn’t take days for a building to fix water pressure and to treat their tenants in the way I was treated on top of it, especially a healthcare worker whose on the front of the lines with this thing....
I’ve struggled with finding patience with situations my entire life. And it’s been tested over and over again. I am not sure why. Maybe because I’ve always been a compulsive complainer. Even about little things I should have never really complained about. It is my biggest flaw. Maybe this is karma. But at this point I get it. I feel selfish complaining about this whole situation because although I am going through hell at work I am not a nurse or doctor and they have to sit back and watch people slowly die all day every day. They are killing themselves battling this and I only see it from behind the scenes.
I am just tired. I’m tired of Trump, I’m tired of these moronic governors reopening states or pushing to, I’m tired of these people who are protesting, I am tired of what life has turned into. I am tired from all the things I have been through back to back over the past few years.
One thing I am proud of myself for is that I am still breathing. There were many times I came close to taking my own life through all the hardships and I didn’t. And I’ll never feel like I’ll want to kill myself ever again. Trust me, because right now I’m taking every possible measure there is in order to survive and be alive throughout this scary thing.
From taking vitamins, washing my hands constantly to the point they have burns on them, wearing masks, and social distancing. A whole routine when I get home of taking a long hot shower and cleaning and wiping all of my things and my apartment down. From counters to handles and knobs. It’s exhausting every day after a long day at work. Survival has become the motive above all else. I hope it’s the same for everyone else.
Be safe everyone, share your stories and get it off your chest if you’re having a difficult time right now. Mental health is important and holding things in will make this situation harder than it needs to be. Stay strong, be safe, stay home, and vote for Biden in 2020 please. Thanks.
Songs to go with post:
Future-Madonna Ft. Quavo Madame X Tour version:
Another mother's breaking heart is taking over
When the violence causes silence we must be mistaken
It's the same old theme since nineteen-sixteen
In your head, in your head, they're still fighting...
With their tanks, and their bombs
And their bombs, and their guns
In your head, in your head, they are dying
When I was going to take time to write my next post I never expected it was going to go in this direction. Or that all these things that have happened would end up occurring during the month of March. Not in a 100,000 years. I never expected this. I don’t think any of us did....
I don’t know what to say. I’m at a loss for words. I thought I was going to get the last things I needed to get off my chest about my ex and everything I went through. I thought this was gonna be the last chapter to my healing process while I am trying so hard to move on with my life. But just as I was trying to get over one virus that lasted way too long and took what feels like a lifetime to heal and move on from, we are now all facing the scariest virus I have ever seen. Not just me, but every single one of us....
I work in the health field and I’ve known about Corona virus and what it is for a few years. Actually back in 2018 when I had just started my job, I got really sick. I had flu like symptoms, body aches, I felt like I was hit by a truck. I felt my throat getting worse sitting at my desk and my boss sent me to our work force, health, and safety office to get checked out. They evaluated me, put a swob up my nose, told me flu came out negative and told me I had something called “corona virus”. Not the COVID-19 strain FYI.
I had never heard of this before and thought it was weird. They told me it basically was like the common cold, it was nothing to be concerned about. I googled it and asked my colleagues and friends at work and they explained it to me too as being a strain of the common cold. I was told there’s no meds for it and that it could take 6-8 weeks to get out of my body and I just needed to take over the counter meds and get some rest. I felt like death on and off for a few weeks but it was okay to go to work at the time, unless I was really sick with a fever of course, but it was basically just the common cold....
Now we are dealing with something similar but much worse. Much much worse. Corona Virus hit the news about three months ago. We knew about it for a long time. I guess we never expected it to hit the world the way that it has. But the fact that it was brought up to our intelligence committee three months ago and our “president” did absolutely nothing is shameful.
His lies have put dangerous misleading information and words into people’s heads. Which is what he’s always done, but when it comes to something like this it’s completely and utterly dangerous. This is literally a pandemic the whole world is facing. The amount of fake articles, conspiracy theories, people questioning this saying “do you even know anyone who has it?” on social media. Now a lot of us do know people who have it. Some of us even do have it.
The amount of people saying they will not follow the rules. The amount of people saying this is made up by the media. It’s horrifically shameful. “Shameful” is a word I have been using a lot lately...I went into a store wearing a mask and the man at the register said I didn’t need the mask, that this all was made up by the media. That only god can save us and no one else. I told him that’s dangerous to say to customers because they won’t take this seriously and will listen to him, that it’s not made up because I work in health and have been sick. My coworkers and colleagues are risking their lives exposing themselves every single day. They are on the front of the lines. I told him shame on him and he said “only god can save us, it’s all lie!” I told him god won’t be happy that he’s not listening or taking precautions and that he will put other people at risk for not listening, and god for sure won’t like that! The man works at a store called “Day and night” in Parkchester in the Bronx. I am calling them out since I couldn’t get a hold of the store manager. I will never go in there again.
Trump did this. He’s planted zombies in everyones heads and it’s eating their brains out. Causing so much harm through this epidemic. It’s the cranberries song from the 90s but happening in real life. It’s truly scary.
Here are some of his quoted lies over the past few months:
• Feb 10th:
“You know in April supposedly it dies with warm weather”.
“You know a lot of people think that goes away in April with the heat—as the heat comes in. Typically that will go away in April”.
“Looks like by April, you know in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away. I hope that’s true”.
Tweet: “The corona virus is very much under control in the USA”.
“I think every aspect of our society should be prepared. I don’t think it’s going to come to that, especially with the fact that we’re going down, not up”.
“And again, when you have 15 people, and the 15 people within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero, that’s a pretty good job we’ve done”.
“The Obama administration made a decision on testing that turned out to be very detrimental to what we’re doing. And we undid that decision a few days ago so that the testing can take place in a much more accurate and rapid fashion. That was a decision we disagreed with”.
Then on March 5th: “They made some decisions which were not good decisions. We undid some regulations that were made that made it very difficult, but I’m not blaming anybody”.
There is no Obama era decision or rule that impeded coronavirus testing. They did discuss different types of testing in labs there were never implemented. When asked what decision Obama made on testing Trump was referring to, chief policy officer Peter Kyriacopolois of the association of public health laboratories said, he had “no idea”.....
“Anybody who wants a test can get a test. That’s what the bottom line is”.
And let’s not forget when he called this all a hoax...”Now the Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus,” “They have no clue they can’t even count their votes in Iowa. This is their new hoax”....
Fast forward to March 8th....
I woke up in the middle of the night with a fever, body aches, and the chills really bad. I felt like I was hit by a truck. My body was trembling. I had a strain of coronavirus two years ago as I mentioned earlier, but this felt worse, much worse. I was freaking out given everything that’s going on.
I work for a hospital and one of our benefits as employees is we can do a virtual chat with a doctor, kind of like a virtual urgent care. I spoke to a doctor immediately, obviously concerned for dear life that I in fact may have the COVID-19 coronavirus. I told her my symptoms. She tried to convince me it probably isn’t corona, but that even if I had it I am young and probably healthy and would be fine. I mentioned to her that I couldn’t stop coughing and that there was a little blood in my mucus when I would spit it out. She made me feel all this was normal but that if the fever continued for 3-4 days that I should go get evaluated by a doctor or go to the ER.
Three days later I still had a fever. Mind you of course, of ALL TIMES, the only thermometer I had was broken and wouldn’t turn on, when I was trying to monitor my temperature. I ended up going to urgent care. I was coughing up a storm, had the chills, was pale, and felt like death. The doctor took my temperature and it was 101. He told me he thought it was most likely the flu. He tested me for the flu and it came out negative. He told me it’s definitely just a virus and told me why he felt it was not corona. He said it sounded upper respiratory and that corona is lower respiratory and that he wasn’t too concerned, that I should just stay home for a few days. My boss also advised me to stay home till I felt better. Mind you people with the virus have had many different symptoms, the symptoms were all over the place. A friend of mine was tested positive and he also didn’t have lower respiratory symptoms.
The fever did break after a week and I felt a lot better but I still had a lingering cough. I felt like I’d be okay with just a cough and can go back to work.
To get back to work, I had to be evaluated at our work force, health, and safety office. If they said I was okay I could’ve gone right back to work. I was coughing so bad that they would not clear me. They told me I could come back to work after the cough subsides, that I should probably take the rest of the week off, and I would get cleared if I saw a doctor who would clear me in writing and felt that I no longer had symptoms.
After that, I wasn’t able to get cleared twice, but finally a third time I was finally considered healthy and symptom free and got cleared. I was losing my mind and wanted to get back to work so badly.
When I went to the doctor the first time after going to work force, health, and safety he said my cough was too symptomatic. I went from getting the whole run around of why this was not corona, I was explaining this to my boss through every step, to then I was too “symptomatic” and might possibly have it. I was so confused.
I wasn’t tested when I first got sick cause thanks to Donald Trump, New York City almost had unlimited tests at the time, including all urgent cares but he put a stop to it. He wanted the numbers to stay low and would rather people go untested unless they knew for sure they were exposed or had traveled. I work in a hospital. I was asked each time I saw a doctor if I knew if I was exposed or if I had traveled, and since I said “I didn’t know for sure” and that I didn’t travel they would not test me. Does that make any sense? Let me take my crystal ball out and see if it will let me know if I was exposed....
It has gotten to the point where NYC is now testing most sick people because the virus has hit us horrifically. To the point where so many people are dying that some hospitals made make shift morgues for all the dead bodies. Our hospitals are so over packed with sick people that we don’t have space for them if they die. And Trump refuses to give NY more ventilators. I swear he’s so jealous of Andrew Cuomo and his leadership he’d rather New Yorkers die than help them.
When I tried to get cleared for work a second time the doctor gave me an inhaler to fight the cough and a number to call, general city number, to try and make an appointment to get tested for the virus. I was on hold for two hours to be told “you’re in the system, we’ll call you back with an appointment”. And I was like “do you know when I’ll get a call?” And the guy said “sorry there’s no telling”. The issue is, since testing wasn’t allowed at first, now they are so backed up that they are putting people on waiting lists. They also are struggling to get results out to people. Again, if my symptoms were much worse I’d maybe have had a better chance of getting tested. But since a cough is a symptom, I also could not get cleared for work. I was told the best thing to do is just stay home.
I was called a week later to setup an appointment to get tested. Even though my symptoms were pretty much gone and tests can’t show if I previously had the virus. The lady on the phone told me her system froze and someone would call me back within 15-30 minutes. She also told me how she went through the same exact thing as me. Guess what? I never got a call back. Thank god the doctors made me stay home and cleared me once they felt that I was okay. What is crazy is now the urgent care I have been going to has testing. I was told if they had it when I first went and was very sick I would’ve been tested.
One of the doctors I saw through all this, told me I most likely would not get tested. She told me about how overwhelmed the New York City hospitals are, she does testing as well. She told me they aren’t even able to test very sick people anymore, that they are just putting them into ICUs and monitoring them. That unless my symptoms get worse, all I could do is stay home. She put me on a new cough medicine that I needed to take for seven days and once I was re-evaluated after that, I was cleared for work.
This has been a nightmare. A complete nightmare. Three weeks and five visits to the doctor. I’ve been living in fear of having this virus, I don’t know for sure if I had or didn’t have it, I haven’t been able to get tested, and I was not able to be cleared for work for three weeks, losing pay at that. I have slowly but surely been losing my mind. I live alone and had to take care of myself through all of this.
The silver lining is right before I got sick, it was confirmed that I can keep my apartment. And that was something I was scared about when my ex and I broke up. That as it would get closer to when the lease would end that they’d kick me out and not let me renew. I was in so much fear of it every day for a year and I found out I can keep my apartment. And it would be my first apartment ever that’s just mine, under my name. And I am and was so happy when I found out and I had to go get sick the day after I got the confirmation and now have a new fear in my life. I did learn how independent I am while having to take care of myself and my apartment alone through all of this. For that I do feel good.
I wanted my new post to be about how a year ago I finally put my foot down and asked my ex a second time to move out after living together for 6 months while broken up. And it was incredibly hard for me to let go of him and ask him to leave but I eventually found the strength. And exactly a whole year later, April 1st, I am now much better than I was a year ago when he finally left, and even compared to a few months ago, and officially have the place to myself. It was going to be a Beyoncé inspired post. Because through her music I also found strength through my breakup. Her music really speaks for me and everything I went through throughout the relationship. And I wanted to finally dive into all that and let it all out for the last time. This blog has been my “lemonade” after all....
My post wasn’t able to go in the direction I wanted it to. And I guess I’m lost. I tried to lift myself up, I felt a new sense of closure and have been ready to start my life over. But here we are back tracked now....But I guess I’m still lost. As Madonna sings in her song “extreme occident”: “No I wasn’t lost. It was a different feeling. A mix of lucidity and craziness, but I wasn’t lost believe me”. That’s how life has felt the past year and a half. Completely. Another song on her Madame X album that will inspire another blog post. This one. The truth is I’ve always known who I was inside, but I always felt so lost trying to be that person. Trying to please everyone and getting so damn hurt and holding my true self within. Just so I can make everyone else happy.
This is why I now hate pressure from people because the guilt makes me feel like I cannot be myself. And even though I know who I am, all of life’s events have been so painful, that it makes me feel so lost even when I’m not lost. If that makes any sense. It’s like having self awareness about certain things but not being able to change them and being stuck. But as she also says “I was right, and I’ve got the right to choose my own life. Like a full circle. Life is a circle”. Life really is a circle, it keeps spinning and there’s always hope for new beginnings and for change.
Now I am dealing with this and my mindset has just completely changed. Maybe it’s because I’m too tired. I’m too scared. Scared for myself, scared for my parents, scared for my grandma, and everyone I care about. I am angry that we have a president who is fucking this up royally, and his supporters can’t call him out over this one thing, not this ONE thing. He doesn’t know how to compose himself and be diplomatic, he can’t even say words of hope to frightened Americans when asked to do so. Instead he berates and antagonizes the reporter for asking him to do so. He spreads his hate and division still through all this by calling it the “Chinese virus” and people make excuses for that too. Shame on them. And he’s done nothing but try and downplay this virus, he wants to reopen the country and go back to business as usual by Easter and have “churches packed”...He is a disgrace. Blood is on his hands and anyone who supports him. It went from doing nothing about school shootings to this.
He once said he can shoot someone on 5th Avenue and people would still support him. He can allow a whole pandemic to wipe out millions of people and people will still support him. I truly think it’s the end of the world.
Through all this my ex texted me to check on me and I chose to ignore him. While I know he meant well and I don’t want to be bitter, he put me through so much throughout our seven years together, I took so much and had no self respect, and he made me feel like a lunatic the whole time through all that he did to me. Then even after our breakup and all those things that happened that he knew was bothering me, suddenly he’s concerned about my well being? No thank you. I do worry and hope he’s well through all of this though and it wasn’t easy ignoring him. Of course a part of me wanted to see how he was and tell him what I was going through but I told myself it’s better not to. I wasn’t a saint either and I’m not trying to play victim but I think he needs to learn to just leave me alone.
I don’t need to make my Beyonce inspired post anymore because ::Cardi B voice:: CORONA VIRUS! Shit is getting real. But I am healed from that part of my life because now I have to be. There is literally too much real shit going on. And now that I am cleared for work, I’ll be dealing with exposure to this virus every single day, and putting myself at risk every single day, because I work in a hospital. I need everyone to stop listening to our shitty president. He literally said the media is trying to keep the country and economy closed so that he won’t get re-elected. The only one making this political is him and mind you our state of NY is suffering so much right now. Imagine when it hits other states. I hope their leaders are as strong willed and brave as Andrew Cuomo who has been kicking ass. I officially have a crush on him. I hope every governor of every state ignores Trump and looks at what’s happening in NYC to prevent it from happening there.
If you care about nurses or doctors, your friends who work in health, your elderly parents, grandparents, family members and friends. Friends and loved ones with health issues. Please do not listen to this horrific man. Please please consider calling him out on this one thing, really think about if he should be president again with how he is handling this and shitting on New York. Haven’t we dealt with enough after 9/11?
Thank you to my doctor friends, nurse friends, my team at work, all of my colleagues. Family members who are nurses or work in health. Doctors at urgent care I have seen through all this, who are swamped and tired and exhausted.
We all may not wear capes, but we are super heroes through all this. You are also a super hero if you comply and listen to the rules and stay home!
Be grateful for healthcare workers, they are at the front of the lines fighting this. And for all our sakes this is why I ask to stop believing the president and the conspiracy theories. Believe healthcare workers, take this seriously follow the rules, and stay home. It is sickening the amount of people, Trump supporters or not, who are refusing to believe this is real and want to believe every conspiracy theory and break the rules. It’s beyond dangerous so cut that shit out! NOW!
Stay safe everyone! Don’t let the zombies in your head get to you through all this! And don’t let yourself feel “lost”...
Songs to inspire post:
Extreme Occident By Madonna:
Zombie By The Cranberries:
“Everybody knows the damn truth
Our nation lied, we lost respect
When we wake up, what can we do?
Get the kids ready, take them to school
Everybody knows they don't have a chance
To get a decent job, to have a normal life
When they talk reforms, it makes me laugh
They pretend to help, it makes me laugh
I think I understand why people get a gun
I think I understand why we all give up
Every day they have a kind of victory
Blood of innocence, spread everywhere
They say that we need love
But we need more than this”-Madonna God Control
Every single day in America someone dies because of a gun. How many school shootings need to occur before we make changes? How many children need to bleed to death? How many innocent people need to die at concerts or night clubs? How many people are going to survive one shooting just to go somewhere a year later and end up getting shot to death? When will people start caring? Everybody knows the damn truth!
A NEW DEMOCRACY!....We NEED to WAKEUP!
The best thing about living in America is that we have the right to express ourselves. Freedom of speech is the most important amendment that we have. Even though sometimes, and I’m sure many of you agree, I wish some people didn’t have the freedom to say whatever they wanted, since some people just say the worst things possible and use the absolute worst kind of rhetoric ever....Especially our current President of the United States, but for whatever reason people actually like the toxic hateful bull shit that comes out of his mouth.
In case it isn’t obvious, or if no one has noticed, or if I haven’t mentioned it enough, I am gay. That’s right, I am your typical Britney, Madonna, Gaga, Beyoncé loving gay man who is obsessed with pop culture. Who writes about boys he’s dated on a blog and goes to see his favorite queens in concert over and over again.
Why am I bringing up my sexuality? Because it’s shaped me into who I am as a person. Along with many other things I have been through in life.
I grew up nearly blocks away from where the World Trade Center/Twin Towers once stood a long time ago. I lived through 9/11. I saw it all happen before my very eyes in my classroom at school. I was only eleven years old. And we had to evacuate my house for a while due to all the smoke and debris that entered our apartment. It didn’t help that we lived on the 33rd floor, so the impact was very real.
I will probably save my 9/11 experience in full detail for a separate post when the 9/11 anniversary comes around. So I don’t want to say too much, but I just remember living in so much fear. I was scared every day that we were going to die. Seeing Osama Bin Laden’s face constantly on the news freaked me out. I had nightmares. I used to be so scared I never wanted to be alone. I hate that this had to be one of the things to add to the list of things I’ve been through in life. Although fortunately for my family and I, we did not lose anyone that day.
The only good thing that came from 9/11 was that for the first time ever, and basically the only time that I can remember, America was unified. Everyone was so proud to be an American, no matter who they were or where they came from. Everyone stood united. For a brief moment no one was worried so much about racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. Even though it absolutely still existed, everyone seemed to ban together for once to fight against terrorism and to stand up for the brothers and sisters we lost. I hate to say it, and although I wish 9/11 never happened, I do miss when we were as united as we were back then, it’s unfortunate we are no longer at that point. We are very far from it....
Around this time I was starting to get into Madonna. She influenced me in so many ways but especially politically. She made the song “American life” to protest president Bush. Also to make a statement about America being so superficial “Do I have to change my name? Will it get me far? Should I lose some weight? Am I gonna be a star?” Those exact lyrics are things I have struggled with my whole life. I have tried so hard to both fit in and stand out for as long as I can remember.
I was only 12 or 13 and I was forming political beliefs and opinions. I remember when I would go to confirmation class the nun would tell us that you can only have sex to have babies. I was the kid who questioned “what if people are gay?” “What if people don’t want to have kids?” And of course I got in trouble for that.
I wrote an essay in an 8th grade English class about why abortion should be legal. We were going to war with Iraq and I thought it was disgusting. I was so against it. I felt like Bush was lying about weapons of mass destruction, I felt like we should have focused more on trying to defeat Osama Bin Laden, and anything about the Iraqi war made absolutely no sense to me.
This is why I loved when Emma Gonzalez, victim of the Parkland school shooting, made an important speech about the assumptions people have on kids. “(They feel that) us kids don’t know what we’re talking about, that we are too young to understand how the government works. We call B-S!” Kids are smarter than they get credit for, if they care or are smart enough they know what’s going on. Especially if they have been through something as horrific as a school shooting. It is so disgusting to me to this day that grown ass adults attacked those kids for speaking out. It’s shameful.
As the years would go by, when I was in high school, I was one of the first to use social media as a platform to speak up about my political views. I literally made memes before they were called “memes”, and posted about politics on MySpace before most people really started doing it. I made memes with president Bush’s face, writing “TRAITOR” in big letters across his face. I had a picture of Candolezza Rice with Madonna lyrics “Don’t talk, don’t speak, don’t say your sorry” written across her face. I posted pictures of poor kids in Africa starving to death so people could start caring about what was going on around the world.
The first time I ever was able to vote was in 2008 and I had just turned 18. I was very vocal about my disregard for John McCain, may he Rest In Peace, and I could not help but make fun of Sarah Palin. I was beyond excited to vote for Barack Obama. I was also beyond excited to vote for the very first time. It’s sad that today most kids don’t care about voting, and most young people in general, even people my age, no longer care about voting. When it’s more important than ever right now.
I believe the fear and terror of going through 9/11 and having Madonna as an idol, truly influenced me to be politically left and liberal. Also being part of an oppressed group since (again, in case you didn’t know) I am gay. And the things I went through for being gay also further influenced my political views. Being gay influenced my views more than anything else. I am sure that is the same for most gay people and it blows my mind that republicans and conservatives feel the need to fight with and try and convince us we are wrong about a political party that has politicians who try to dehumanize us.
I have been harassed, tormented, insulted, and almost killed for being gay several times throughout my life. In our society sure, being gay has slowly but surely become more acceptable. We have a gay man (Pete Buttigieg) who actually has a shot at possibly being president. But to this day many people still look at being gay as a joke. To the point where straight men constantly mock gay men, pretend to be gay with each other to be funny, mocking and making fun of those who are actually gay.
I remember this being a thing in high school and what is sad is that it still is a thing even now. I’ve even seen many grown old ass men do this even recently. I am sure other gay men know what I am talking about, but when I’ve spoken about this on social media straight people seemed to be confused and clueless about it....
When people find out I am gay all the sudden they ask all kinds of ridiculous questions based off of stereotypical assumptions. A lot of people see being gay as something only sexual. They don’t understand it whatsoever. And it’s honestly frustrating that even to this very day, I have to get asked “have you ever been with a girl?” And then the shock and confusion I receive when I say “no”, and the shock that I get when I say “I would never try it nor do I want to”. And then people always say “maybe you just need to try it” and when I explain that I can’t do that, they do not understand and look at me like I am crazy. If it were that simple wouldn’t they try being gay too?
Honestly this and the mocking of gays are my biggest pet peeves. It disgusts me. Its angers me so much I start to get anxiety even thinking about it and it’s a constant thing that I go through and see all the time. I try to just accept it. I did better with it years ago, I even was a little homophobic at one point as a gay person but I think I was just tying to fit in. I didn’t mind gay slurs or when people mocked gays. As long as I was seen as less flamboyant and different than other gays, I was fine.
But now I am different. Very different. I just want to snap at this point when I go through these things or see them happen. I’ve gone through hell being gay, if it were that easy, believe me, I would’ve just tried being with a woman. I was born this way and it’s internally frustrating that I need to keep explaining this, even to this day.
I remember the times I dressed a certain way and got called “faggot”. I remember the times I’d be out with female friends and straight guys would harass them and wouldn’t leave them alone when they weren’t interested and I would have to step in. Next thing you know I’m the “faggot ass bitch” and they would try to fight me and torment me. The amount of times this occurred I don’t even know and it is sickening and I am sure many women and many gay men know exactly what I am talking about.
I have stories for days. I feel like in high school I kept myself overweight and ugly partly because I was worried to be my true self. I was able to mask my true identity because I was worried about everyone judging me. I came from a family that’s basically conservative republican. I am the sheep in the family because I am one of the only ones who is politically liberal or who actually gave a shit about social injustice with a passion. And honestly people don’t get how personal it is when family or friends support politicians who don’t see you as human and who would take away your rights from you if they could.
I am beyond grateful though that they were accepting of me being gay. I have met gay people who did not have it so easy. I had a friend in high school whose parents kicked her out of her house for being a lesbian. My parents were kind enough to let her sleep over time to time.
Being gay wasn’t really an issue but there were many homophobic things said throughout my childhood that definitely made me scared to come out. But I am grateful that once I did, when I was 21 and dating my ex, it all went well and I believe mindsets changed. There is a lot more to that story that’s extremely personal but I will maybe share it one day if it ever were to feel right.
Being so overweight and unattractive caused a lot of issues for me as well. I was over 400 pounds at one point. That’s right, I was morbidly obese. I always had friends and people were kind to me. I know other overweight kids went through it worse but I did go through some types of bullying and torment for it. It ate me up inside but I tried to keep it to myself, even though for the most part I felt like an ugly beast. I literally felt like the hunchback of Notre Dame. This is why it’s so triggering for so many people to have a president who reminds them of the ugly high school bully who groped girls behind the bleachers at sports games and was a dick to anyone who was different or smart in school.
The only people who really brought me into their lives and treated me like a human being were people of color. My friends were mostly black, Latina/Latino, or Asian of some kind. They took me into their homes and into their lives. They were my closest and realest friends. I considered them brothers and sisters. A lot of these people are the ones I had falling outs with and wrote about which is why it all hurt so much. These people became my family, my life, my everything.
Because of them I was thoroughly educated and learned so much about racism and the things they had to face that no one ever taught me at home. My family was very closed off when it came to these things and because of that they were a bit unaware and closed minded towards these types of issues. I heard stories but also saw and experienced things that also helped shape my views in so many ways.
I am a white kid who came from bougie, upscale, TriBeCa in lower Manhattan. Yet unlike a lot of white folks, I was able to leave my neighborhood and go into less rich ones, hangout in the projects, empathize with people, try to put myself in their shoes while hearing their stories, and educate myself. I also had a great teacher in high school who unlike most, taught us about slavery, black history, and all the unjust things that occurred once slavery was abolished. I don’t want a gold medal for all of this, but I think it’s important to mention for those who lack empathy.
For some reason a lot of white folks feel that since slavery was abolished that means everything has been fine for people of color since then. It truly is mind boggling. They won’t even hear people out and only pass judgment with their assumptions.
What’s most mind boggling to me is that it’s 2020 and the state we are in is not good. It’s so bad it feels like a nightmare. I’ve hated Donald Trump since he ever first decided to run for president. I hate that he had this racist agenda against Obama to the point where he lied and said the man was a Muslim from Kenya and pushed this whole birther conspiracy to the point where the man had to show his birth certificate.
I never thought this man could possibly win the presidency. And to me this was a personal election and it still is. He chose a Vice President who is so disgustingly homophobic he feels gay kids should go to conversion therapy, is against gay marriage, and stands by his views because of his “faith”. Then the president had the nerve to hold a gay flag during his campaign, but won’t acknowledge pride month. He feels adoption agencies should have the right to deny kids loving homes if couples are gay. He is so transphobic that he decided that trans people should not be in our military.
I remember in high school every Halloween I wanted to be a dying polar bear with a small “polar icecap” attached to my ankle. I had envisioned it so well. I wanted to make a statement about global warming and climate change. It’s truly sad that the current president denies its existence. It’s dangerous that he does.
He mocks people who are educated and believe in it and makes it all a joke. And his supporters just eat it all up. One of them actually asked me once what should we expect him to do and that if he got a whole other planet for us we would still complain. Hilarious because he would never get us another planet if he could, maybe he would for himself though. Also, he was making people believe climate change is fake and that it is all a made up joke, and he pulled us out of the green new deal (the very minimum of what we were doing to fight this) and started allowing fossil fuels to ruin our oceans, the list goes on and on, and it is exactly all that he should NOT be doing but okay Becky, carry on...I’ve rolled my eyes so much these past few years I don’t know how they haven’t gotten stuck in the back of my head.
If people actually educate themselves on this man they will see he comes from a white supremacist family and he has done several hateful and racist things throughout his career. He was sued for discriminating against blacks in the 70s for not allowing them to live in his buildings. He literally wrote an article in The NY Times and called for the Central Park five to be lynched, one of the most racist things someone can wish on a group of black kids, because of what he felt they did. They literally were proven innocent and exonerated and he then refused to apologize for it. To this day he will not apologize. Narcissistic people lack empathy and compassion and can’t admit when they are wrong.
He then ran a campaign based on fear mongering, trying to overdramatize an illegal immigration crisis which absolutely is not as bad as he made it. Obviously we need to do something about illegals, but a man who lacks diplomacy and who gives no fucks about what comes out of his mouth will do whatever it takes to win an election. He categorized all Mexicans as rapists, criminals, and drug dealers. He wanted to build a wall which he promised and lied about Mexico paying for. A useless wall as if tunnels don’t exist and as if people don’t fly into the states and stay here illegally. It made absolutely no sense.
He was caught on tape saying since he’s a star he can fuck anyone he wants and just grab women by the pussy. He’s made fun of women for how they look and for their weight, calling them “pigs”. When he himself looks like a fucking pig, he’s so ugly and so orange it makes me want to vomit just looking at him. He literally looks and sounds like Chucky the doll from Childs play. He mocked a disabled reporter, and anyone who questioned him he would attack back ten times harder in the most vicious and vile ways.
The sad thing about this to me is that people loved him for these things, and they even supposedly interpreted it all differently but I don’t think that’s the case. I think the people that support him are the people who want so badly to say the things he would say without the repercussions. But he made it possible for people to say the most ignorant and hateful things without repercussions. He will say something that’s on video for everyone to see or hear and deny he ever said it. He will say he doesn’t know someone when there is photographic proof of it and say these things are “fake news” and his supporters go along with it. Hard to think they aren’t brainwashed.
Once he became president it felt like a really bad dream. For me, it might sound dramatic, but it felt like 9/11 all over again. And of course so much damage has been done since then but his supporters feel he’s only done so much good for the country. Taking all the credit away from Obama for fixing the economy after Bush almost put us through another depression and putting all the credit on Trump since Trump took the credit upon himself. Saying Trump created all these jobs that Obama did after the stock market crashed and he had a whole lot to cleanup after Bush. It’s despicable how people tarnished his legacy with flat out lies. So hard not to think they are just racist.
In Charlottesville there were riots started from white supremacists holding tiki torchers threatening lives of people of color, women, and Jews under Trumps name, and when the targeted people tried to defend themselves some of them got killed. And Trump had the audacity to make it a two sided issue blaming people on both ends and saying both sides had “very fine people” it’s nauseating to even type let alone think about. And then this conspiracy he and his base started pushing about leftists being in a terrorist group called “ANTIFA” spreading all kinds of false propaganda and information about them, as people have done in the past about the black panthers and currently the black lives matter movement. It’s sickening. It’s nauseating. It’s a disgrace. I have been told that this man is no better or worse than any other past president. Okay.....
Everything became “fake news”. He started a war against the media when he was heavily criticized, he literally tried to push so many conspiracy theories and his supporters just ate it all up. To the point where reputable/reliable sources no longer exist to them and absolutely no factual thing on the planet mattered to them or could be presented to them.
Majority of my family supported him. This disgusted me on so many levels that there was a point where I almost wanted to distance myself from them all together. I struggled really hard with how on earth they can support a person like this. I was only able to assume that anyone who can support this man is racist or bigoted in some kind of way.
What’s insane to me is majority of these people are Christian yet Jesus in the Bible went against everything this man was. He fought against the elite who tried to persecute, humiliate, and punish the poor. And here these folks are, supposed Christians, loving a man who is a billionaire, who builds walls, who separates babies from their mothers and has these people put into concentration camp like facilities, drinking out of toilets. Children dying in these facilities. And yet they support this. They even make excuses for his behavior and blame everyone else they possibly can. Obama and the Clinton’s for example.
If you try and explain to them that Obama did not separate families in the same ways they don’t respond or don’t want to hear it. If you explain to them that Obama only separated real criminals, not people just seeking asylum, they don’t want to hear it. And they make excuses for a First Lady who visits kids in these facilities wearing an inappropriate jacket that says “I don’t really care, do you?” Because facts don’t exist anymore as long as they can always be right and continue supporting such a cruel monster. He conspired with foreign countries to try and take down other candidates but no one thinks it is a problem. He literally got away with being impeached because of a senate who lack morals and a back bone. Party before country right?
It truly feels like the twilight zone. It doesn’t feel real that in 2020 we are supporting a white supremacist who acts like a dictator. He even pushed all of our allies away and befriended other dictators such as Putin and Kim Jong Un. We have become a laughing stock in this world.
What blows my mind the most is there are people who belong to oppressed groups who support this. Be it women, people of color, or LGBT. Kanye West went from constantly fighting against racism to being Uncle Tom and don’t even get me started on Caitlyn Jenner. I know women who are pro choice, to the point that they spoke up any time abortion rights were at stake, yet STILL supported this man who is so disgustingly misogynistic to the point where he appointed an accused rapist to be on the Supreme Court mainly because he was anti abortion. But these women still support him, why? I don’t know. Let’s not forget that 19 women accused this man of sexual assault too and he had ties to Jeffery Epstein who was a known pedophile who lead child sex traffic rings and got killed mysteriously in prison.
But of course “what about Bill Clinton?” Right? Yes, I know Clinton has ties to Epstein and has been accused of things too, and you know what? Let him be investigated too. Even though at one point he was and was impeached. It drives me insane that they push this “what aboutism” to make anything this man does okay....Everyone sees that we are now divided more than ever, social media has become a political war zone, and we are constantly at each other’s throats.
The first few years of his presidency I did nothing but post about him and political stuff on social media constantly. I always was arguing or fighting with people. It became so mentally exhausting and draining because there was no possibility of changing people’s minds and I literally was becoming so depressed over it. I was disgusted.
As I was joining more Britney Spears groups on Facebook I made a lot of new friends who shared the same admiration and love I have for Britney. My posts were becoming less political and more pop culture based and I felt myself becoming a happier person. I had enough stress going on in my life and it would take up too much time being glued to a phone screen arguing all day long. Trying to find factual articles and presenting them for it to go absolutely nowhere.
The issue was some of the new friends I made were Trump supporters and I didn’t know it at first. They were such nice people I could not believe it was possible. They were extremely gay friendly and were allies, seemed progressive in a lot of ways, but of course supported someone who was the total opposite. I had to really decide if I could allow Trump supporters in my life or if I could be open minded enough to try and see them not as all the same and all not bad people. Including family.
I have to be honest. This was not an easy decision to make. I have marched in black lives matter protests. I have participated in the women’s march. I have been liberal since I was a kid. My family used to make fun of me and call me “tree hugger”. It disgusted me to my core when I saw black kids and adults on the news be killed left and right unjustly and tortured by cops all for just resisting arrest or defending themselves when being accused of something they didn’t do. Or kids like Trayvon Martin being killed by “neighborhood watch” just for looking suspicious.
Even when taken into custody cops would beat them to death or shoot them to death. And people have the audacity to question why folks stopped trusting police officers and why there were so many protests. People literally hate Beyoncé for making a statement through her music and performances fighting these racial injustices. People actually switch the racist card onto Obama when defending Trump and that I cannot even try to understand for the life of me. People feel such animosity and disgust towards anyone who protests racism and injustice more than they do the racism and injustice itself. I take a knee when the national anthem plays and I will continue to do so till there is justice and real change.
How does one make peace with people like this? How does one make peace with people who vote for politicians who go against people like me or any oppressed group, let alone vote against their own interests? It’s something I always felt like I would refuse to do.
At the end of the day though I had to accept that Trump was president and that was that. I had to accept that people just are the way they are sadly. I mean we have people flipping out over two Latina women rocking the super bowl. JLO and Shakira killed it by the way. But they support a man whose vulgar against women and had an affair with a playboy bunny and married to a First Lady who basically was a porn star with all the times she’s posed nude. The hypocrisy is real. I really didn’t know how to accept these kinds of people in my life. I still don’t most of the time.
I decided for my own peace of mind, I needed to tone it down. All of this was contributing to my depression. At the start of Trumps presidency I was working a grueling job where I worked on my feet constantly and dealt with abuse. I had issues in my relationship and eventually that ended and I lost majority of my friends.
I no longer had the energy to constantly fight anymore. I no longer had the energy to hate everyone who supported this. I had my own battles I needed to deal with. So, I decided it was best to tone it down on social media and to not argue with people in my life about politics. I hate to bite my tongue but it also was an incredible waste of time, and I had to wonder if it was actually worth it losing people I love over this and not allowing people in my life over it. We are all human and we all have opinions. Although sometimes I don’t see some of these issues as difference of opinion.
I mean it’s to the point where people on the left have to constantly admit their faults to try and be heard. We always have to say “both sides have issues” even though in my opinion it’s nowhere near the same on the left. But I do have issues with the left too. Not just the corruption that also exists....
The left are even at each other’s throats. None of them can agree on one candidate, none of them can stick together, some are just as stubborn and closed minded as Trump supporters and this is why we will continue to lose which is sad. Half the people are Bernie or busts and half are too center/right leaning, and the majority of the candidates are literally causing a divide amongst the Democratic Party which will give Trump another win unfortunately.
The hatred on all ends has gotten to me. Madonna has another song that also spoke to me called “Killers who are partying”. She’s sings:
I will be gay, if the gay are burned.
I’ll be Africa, if Africa is shot down.
I will be poor, if the poor are humiliated.
I’ll be a child, if the children are exploited.
I'll be Islam, if Islam is hated...
I'll be Israel (switched to Palestine in her tour), if they're incarcerated...
I'll be Native Indian, if the Indian has been taken.
And I'll be a woman, if she's raped and her heart is breaking... I know what I am (God knows what I am)
And I know what I'm not (and He knows what I'm not)
Do you know who you are?
Will we know when to stop?
My question is, will we ever know when to stop? All the division and hatred in this world increases more and more each day. This song spoke to me though because I consider myself an overly empathetic person and I feel like I have tried to understand all different types of peoples every day struggles. It kills me to see anyone face hatred and bigotry of any kind, especially since I have experienced some of it myself. And it kills me that people could close their eyes to it or choose to be blinded by it or participate in it even.
Lady Gaga also has a song on her “Joanne” album called “come to mama” which is also important and I learned a lot from it as well. It’s about how both sides need to cut it out and love each other. She sings “Come tomorrow who are you gonna follow? There's gonna be no future if we don't figure this out”. She also ends the song with:
“Why do we gotta tell each other how to live?
The only prisons that exist are ones we put each other in”.
I got to the point where I agree completely. We are all brothers and sisters and we need to learn to walk among each other and be less angry. The anger is literally tarring us up and eating us alive. It’s making us so miserable and depressed and it’s not a way of life. Even if people are supporting someone like Trump. Even if people interpret things completely different. It does boggle my mind that people try and take away from peoples experiences. It does blow my mind that if someone felt something triggered them because it came off as racist or bigoted, someone else thinks they have the right to make that person feel stupid.
I will accept Trump supporters into my life because I have to. I have to work with them, be related to them, and accept them. If they can’t accept me though then that’s on them. And a lot can’t but a lot do so I am grateful for that. Will I ever be able to be super close with a Trump supporter? Probably not. But I am a much happier person because I don’t let this shit control my life or eat me alive anymore.
I do have a plea for Trump supporters though, republicans, and conservatives:
Majority of you are white straight men. Some of you (not
many) are women, some of you are LGBT or people of color even. Majority of you will never know what it’s like to deal with such hatred and oppression. Majority of you look at anyone who protests racism or oppression with disgust and don’t hear the pleas and the pain. Majority of you are too privileged to really try to understand things you know nothing about. Please, I beg of you, cut it out. Hear people out even if you disagree with them, and never make people feel stupid for feeling how they do.
And to people on the left: Get your damn shit together and unify now because we have a good chance of losing again. Stop being at each other’s throats, come to your senses and understand there are too many different people on the left with different ideas and you will have to vote for a candidate you might not love or agree with. We have too much at stake here. I have no expectations and I feel in my gut we will lose and Trump will win again. But I do hope we will eventually learn from all of this. On both ends. Because it will go down in history books as the most chaotic moments in modern history.
To everyone...”Everybody’s got to love each other. Stop throwing stones at your sisters and your brothers. Man it wasn’t that long ago, we were all living in the jungle. So why do we gotta, put each other down? When there’s more than enough love to go around”. “Why do we gotta, fight over ideas? We’re talkin the same old shit after all of these years”.
Happy Valentine’s Day, love not only your significant other but yourself and your brothers and your sisters. And vote in the upcoming elections like your life depends on it!
Songs to go with post:
American Life Madonna:
God Control Madonna:
Killers Who Are Partying Madonna:
Come To Mama Lady GaGa:
I need to start off by saying RIP to Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gigi. He was an iconic legend and you didn’t have to be a basketball fan to be a fan of Kobe’s. He was loved by almost all the pop kings and queens and played a role in pop culture. I’ll never forget what an ally he was to the LGBT community and to women. God rest his and his daughter’s souls and watch over his wife and family while they try to heal.....I had a rough time with this.
Exactly a year ago today I took a soul saving journey to Vegas to see GaGa and visit the Grand Canyon and I have brought this trip up many times and posted pictures of it many times as well. But it truly was the start to this very long journey I have been on and I will forever be grateful for that trip. I can’t wait to relive it hopefully sooner than later....I did go to New Orleans with friends earlier this month and I did have moments where it felt soul saving as well. I took time to myself at one point to reflect and I let the full moon inspire me while I was there. A lot of this post came from all I was thinking about while taking that short amount of time to myself. Listening to live music and jazz bands on Frenchman st. and just feeling the vibes of a different beautiful place.
It’s also been exactly a month since I released this blog. I have been overwhelmed with all the positive feedback I have received. A lot of people have messaged me privately sharing their stories with me and telling me how they were able to relate to certain things I have shared so far. I honestly am very grateful. I can’t express how scared and nervous I was to do this.
I have to make one thing clear. This was not easy. Not at all. I was worried people would think I was crazy or hysterical. I was worried people would question how or why I would put my business out there. I was worried those I have spoken about would see all of this and try and seek revenge of some kind...There were people who did show concern, there were people who did see this as a cry for help.
While I appreciate the concern, it’s exactly part of what I feared and did not want to happen from this. What I wanted was to release everything I’ve been holding in all this time in hopes I would start to heal. What I wanted was to finally validate my feelings and myself. What I wanted was to find strength in sharing my stories. What I wanted was to forgive myself for all the things I blamed myself for. What I wanted was to rise up above it all. And you know what? I finally am getting there and I can’t express how amazing it feels.
The issue is my entire life I have been made to feel like I was crazy for the feelings I would have. Most people in my life, whether family, friends, or past relationships, tried so hard to silence me. I have been laughed at, I have been made fun of. I never could validate my feelings. It got to a point where when others would do me wrong, I blamed myself. I literally had to question my own sanity for as long as I can remember. But after everything I’ve been through I have to ask myself....
Did I say something true? Did I have a point of view? Did I say something wrong? Or did I stay too long? And I’m not sorry, it’s human nature....That’s right. I find so much freedom in expressing my feelings instead of repressing them and I no longer give a fuck what people think....I find so much freedom in being able to validate myself and no longer question my own sanity. This is something I never ever felt or experienced before.
Majority of the feedback I’ve received on this blog has been amazing and I am thankful for it. I felt so alone all of last year, I felt so lost, I felt like my life was over (cue Demi Lovato’s very relatable new song “anyone”). I know now there are others who have felt the same way in many ways, be it last year, or at some point in their life, and it’s nice to touch those people and have an outlet for them to come to when they aren’t so comfortable to express themselves in the way that I do. Whether they’ve been through something similar or different. Like I said before, this is NOT easy.
I had to really put my fears to the side. Honestly if anyone wants to seek revenge in anyway for me speaking my truth, by all means, go ahead. I no longer care about that. And if enough damage hasn’t been done in terms of these people needing to get revenge against me, well so be it. I’ve said this before and I will say it again, I have suffered enough repercussions. Things have occurred nonstop consistently from the end of 2018 to the end of 2019. I am fucking tired. I was hoping maybe my words would make my stance clear, perhaps give certain people an open heart to why I felt the way that I did. But if people are even more angry, well...”It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch, but sometimes you know I gotta call it like is”....It’s human nature.
On Madonna’s latest album “Madame X” she has a song titled “I Rise”. It was made to be an anthem for the LGBT community, anyone who faces oppression, and for many other important issues such as gun control (“god control” is another amazing song when it comes to gun control). This song was first released in June 2019. In June I was a lost mess. I was still trying to adjust to living on my own, accepting the fate of my last relationship, and coming to terms with the fact that I had to start over with my life all by myself.
During this time I was an alcoholic. A sad, depressed alcoholic. I would lock myself in my room and blast sad music. I would only leave my room to make another drink, so I can come back and wallow in self pity. The thing about drinking is that it helped me temporarily. Sometimes I was happy, I would have fun all by myself. I would dance and sing. It always would start out as a pleasant experience. Then it would turn dark. It’s like I would go from happy to sad within a few hours. Next thing you know I’m screaming, crying, and having panic attacks. I would drink and cry until I would pass out.
The amount I was drinking was deadly. I would actually hate when the weekends would come because that’s when I didn’t know what to do with myself since I didn’t have anyone (again cue Demi’s new song) and it’s when I would drink the most. I would start day drinking, and go through this cycle till I would pass out and take a long nap. I would usually eat something before falling asleep. And then I would wakeup feeling like shit and continue the cycle again. It was so disgustingly unhealthy but I literally did not have a support system and so many horrible things happened, one after the other.
I was happy my friend Amanda came to visit New York with her dad in June. We had a great time. But the rest of June was just a complete nightmare for me. I just felt done with everything. Summer was coming and I felt like I had just lost everything and didn’t have any plans to have fun as I normally would have. I also felt like I could hardly afford food to eat let alone all the bills I had to take on by myself. I was so lost.
The things I had to see on social media from past friends and my ex, all their posts together, they were hanging out more and more. At first it was just a running thing and it turned into more than that. It was hangouts and going to events together on the weekends. Constant photos taken together posted. Videos in their Instagram stories of them at events together. They all knew at that point how I felt about all of it and it was like a big “fuck you” to me. And the sick part about it was I was mostly angry with my friends, not so much at my ex.
Because I still missed him and wanted to be with him and that was the worst part about it. Throughout our relationship I would be more angry at everyone else he was friends with that was causing issues in our relationship than I was at him. Because I loved him so much, and I still was continuing this sick cycle even after we broke up and after he moved out. I had to learn to face the truth, as I also had to learn to come to terms with my own faults.
Also in June I had a falling out with the only close friend I felt like I had. The person was angry for selfish reasons and I already spoke about all of this a few posts ago. But while being depressed about my ex and other friends, this person made sure to make me feel lower than I already felt if it was possible. I could not believe the only person I was basically relying on emotionally would do that to me.
If I could erase the month of June (minus the part when Amanda came) honestly I would. It’s when everything hit me the hardest.
Madonna’s song “I rise” came when I needed it the most. The lyrics are so uplifting and so encouraging. They spoke to my soul. I believe it’s what motivated me to get my shit together and continue on my path to my journey I needed to be on that started when I was in Vegas.
In the song she sings “Freedom’s what you choose to do with what’s been done to you. No one can hurt now unless you want them to. No one can hurt you now unless you allow them to”.
That spoke to me. It was time to stop allowing these things to get to me. It was tome to stop obsessing over it. It was time to stop blaming myself. It was time to stop letting these people bring me down. It was time to stop hurting. It was time to stop crying. It was time to stop drinking myself half to death. It was time to rise up above it all and move on. “Died a thousand times, managed to survive. I won’t breakdown now, I can’t take that”...
I would be lying if I said I am completely healed. I would be lying if i said I am no longer angry. I would be lying if I said I am completely over my ex, that I don’t still love him, don’t still dream about him constantly, don’t still care about him, or worry about him. I would be lying if I said I forgive all that has happened. I am still not there yet. I am not sure when I will be. But I know slowly but surely I am getting there. I know I have improved even if there’s still a lot of room for a shit ton of more improvement. I do feel ridiculous sometimes because people have been through much worse. In fact I have been through much worse.
I had a very rough childhood. I didn’t come from a home that was like the movies or tv shows. I was surrounded by pure misery, bitterness, and anger for as long as I can remember. Every Holliday or event there was a big blow out or a fight. There was not enough love but constant fighting and arguing. Everything felt like a ticking time bomb was about to go off. I had to carry this with me every single day. I suffered from severe anxiety which is something that has scarred me for life.
I didn’t do well in school and was told by several people that it was because I had a learning disability. I had issues focusing in class, I had issues studying for exams, I had issues being able to get my work done with the constant pressure and anxiety that was weighing me down. Who knows? Maybe I really did have a learning disability. But I do know a lot of fucked up shit was going on at home that nobody knew about but myself.
Whenever I expressed concern about it at home I was shut down, told I was interpreting things wrong, and that I was crazy. This was a pattern I had to deal with throughout my entire life because I would choose people to be in my life who treated me in this exact same way. It’s part of why I am struggling with moving on from everything else that happened, because it’s all been nonstop and never ending for as long as I can remember.
I had a rough life. I’ve dealt with sexual assault, I’ve been robbed and almost killed and then was humiliated and made fun of about it. I experimented with drugs and partied way too hard at one point when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I would go out seven nights a week, I was underaged with a fake ID. Partying was all I cared about because it was my escape from a mentally draining and exhausting household. I had friends who used and abused me. Stole money from me, took advantage of my kindness, and only cared about themselves.
People twisted stories around to make me look bad so many times I can’t keep track anymore, people I have gone above and beyond for, and did the most for...I never expected any of this to happen when it did the last time that it did with that particular group of friends, but history repeated itself yet again, it just hurt more this time. I do have to blame myself for continuously putting myself in bad situations and allowing bad people into my life. But lesson learned and here I am now, even if nobody cares.
I through my life away in my twenties instead of doing what was right for me. I’ve sunk myself into an incredible amount of debt. It honestly feels like my life has been falling apart since the day I came onto this earth. It’s amazing that I managed to survive.
So yes, maybe I am overreacting about little things I’ve been through such as a breakup or loss of friendships due to the breakup, etc. Maybe I handled things wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t still feel so hurt or upset. But man, something has got to give. I’ve been through too much in life and I am almost thirty years old. I am just tired. It’s part of why I was ready to give up last year when my ex broke up with me and when everything went down with my friends. I was tired of my life constantly falling apart. I sunk so low....
It’s weird though because anyone else might have completely lost themselves but I am learning to “rise up above it all”. I think I had to hit rock bottom to finally know what happiness feels like. I am still a mess. I still suffer from a deal of hopelessness and heartache. But for the first time ever I think I know what happiness feels like. Even if it could be better than this. Even if this still needs improvement. For the first time ever I’ve found resilience. I know that I will rise. As Madonna sings as she closes her Madame X show with “I rise”, she walks down the aisles chanting “I will rise” over and over as she walks out.
I think having to face the truth about everyone in my life and really facing it and feeling it is what has helped me. So yes, I might still be upset, I might still be angry, I might still be bitter at times. But I have improved with those feelings because I don’t think about the situation as much as I used to. It doesn’t control my life. And I was forced to accept things that were out of my control for what they were and found some kind of strength. It takes baby steps to heal, I still have a long way to go but I have come very far.
Without music I wouldn’t have survived. Madonna has saved my life many times. When I went through that rough childhood I would listen to her ray of light album over and over again. The songs touched my soul and calmed my nerves. My anxiety would be at ease. That album was so powerful for me and I am not sure I would’ve survived without it. And she still has this affect on me today. Her current album has so many songs that have touched me and saved me. And one thing she’s taught me is to not be afraid to express myself, and that I should never repress myself.
I also used to write in journals whenever I would go through something and I would write for hours. Writing has always helped me. In fact I promised myself in high school that one day I would write a book. A memoir about my life. I told myself I just needed to get older and go through more things. I think I’m at that point now.
This is why I have this blog out. I am not afraid to speak my truth. It has helped me heal. And this is my journey. It’s a journey of love, and finding love within yourself. Not finding love from someone else. Not needing your feelings validated from someone else. But doing it all for yourself. I’m learning to do that and it’s also part of why I’m finally feeling some kind of happiness for the first time ever. I am thankful to have this outlet where I can let this all out. And I truly hope people understand that and know that that is truly what this is all about. That is the actual purpose of this. Of course also because I love pop culture and pop music and want an outlet to speak about that as well.
When I saw Madonna back in October she said she does what she does not to be loved, but to feel free. And that’s the point of me making this blog. I am not here to be loved, I am here to be free. And that is what this has done for me. Maybe one million people will read it, maybe ten people will, maybe nobody will. It does not matter to me. Just pouring it all out and sharing my stories and my thoughts has been beyond beneficial to me mentally. It’s helped so much with my healing and has worked better than any kind of therapy ever has that I have tried over the years. I feel like I am there or getting there more and more, but yes, I will rise. I. Will. Rise. I have to because it’s human nature.
Songs to go with post:
I Rise Madonna:
Human Nature Live Madonna Ft. Britney Spears:
Unapologetic Bitch Madonna:
Anyone Demi Lovato:
Can't you see I'm a fool, in so many ways?
Dating life is really underwhelming it’s not even funny. Is it okay to say that? Can I say it’s underwhelming? I am not saying it to disrespect anyone I have met or will meet....I don’t know, clearly I am not one to follow the rules but sometimes you have to be careful with the things that you say....Somehow my Grindr profile got taken down for “hate speech” supposedly being in my profile...I literally can’t think of anything my profile said that could be hateful except for what I wasn’t interested in which I said politely. I mentioned I wasn’t interested in trans (male to female) or “T” (meth) heads...I guess saying those two things was considered “hate speech”? Who knows?....
I have met lots of guys this year. More than I can keep track of. More than I even realized...Some were great, some were nice, some were horrible. But despite some of the amazing qualities some of them had, I ghosted almost every single one of them. As I mentioned earlier only one guy ghosted me. But I ghosted basically every single one of them.
A lot of the times it was because the second I saw a red flag I ran for the hills. The other issue was it’s hard for me to trust anyone romantically and let them all the way in. But it got to a point where I was paying close attention to the connection. And for some reason a lot of them would feel a connection that I was not feeling, and they would try and jump into a relationship. And that scared me off easily.
It is my understanding that in the gay world, a lot of guys either just fuck around a lot or they try and jump into relationships right away. There is no in-between...Things tend to move very fast, and it’s over before you know it. My feeling is that a lot of gay men are lonely. And I am not saying that is a bad thing or that I don’t know what it feels like and that I don’t get lonely too. I totally get it. And a lot of men are just assholes, the lonely ones are tired of being lead on or not being able to succeed at obtaining a relationship.
When I was younger I was really overweight. Nobody was interested in me. And then at 18 years old I had the gastric bypass surgery and lost lots of weight. I was thin and good looking. But I still was extremely insecure. I battled body dysmorphia severely (which I’ve spoken about before). At the same time I felt very desperate for a relationship and felt like I was never good enough or worthy enough for someone to ever look at me in that way.
When a guy that I liked would give me the time of day I was annoying. I was clingy. I wanted a lot of attention. And if I didn’t get it I automatically worried that something wasn’t right. That something was wrong with me. I’d get panicky about it. And I would think that they didn’t really like me. I would end up trying way too hard. It was such a battle and I had to really learn to change that. Of course it didn’t help that I typically did go for guys who would make anyone else worry too, but that’s a whole other story...
I felt this internal loneliness that just was killing me. Literally as Britney once sang in the most iconic songs of all time. But when I would meet a guy, I’d get so hooked so easily and start fantasizing about a whole future together. I was so disgustingly desperate. But I think it was to fill a void since most of my friends were in relationships since high school and got to experience all those things that I didn’t. Also because of how insecure I was.
The one thing my ex taught me was that I could not be this way with him. And oh boy was I at first. I will admit, despite the red flags and things he put me through, I was annoying and pushy as fuck. We actually did spend a lot of time together but I was always so nervous about something not being right so if I didn’t hear from him enough I would freak out. It made me crazy. And he definitely wasn’t having it. And my stubborn ass kept trying to argue and he would just shut me down and not even want to discuss it.
This used to really piss me off. And trust me, there were enough things to be worried and upset about...But I am thankful he did this to me. I needed to really work on myself. I felt in many ways I was relying on him to find my happiness and I couldn’t find it on my own. I learned that you have to be patient and take things slow and really get to know a person. Feel the vibe, make a connection. Become best friends first. And then you can worry about relationships or the future.
And the best part of being in a relationship for so long is that it has taught me how I should behave moving forward before jumping into the next one...Compared to before when I was 18-20 years old learning on my own when I first went out there...I never have high expectations at first and I like to really take it slow and I don’t need to communicate every second of every day. I don’t need a lot of attention. I need space and love my alone time. I don’t want to FaceTime every day, I don’t want to FaceTime most days. Or talk on the phone. Yes sometimes of course, but minimally as I’m trying to get to know you. I feel like things just have to come naturally and slowly before you should jump into constant communication. And my god I feel so proud of myself for saying that, I wish I knew this ten years ago....
But I have noticed not many gay guys who are my age or younger have had a long lasting relationship, at least not for as long as I have. And I know it’s rare for gay couples to last very long in the community. 7 gay years is like 75 in straight years. So a lot of the guys I’m experiencing remind me of myself when I was younger and single. Very lonely, very desperate, and trying to rush into things....
There is a part of course where I am to blame. And here is why...I am far from awkward when I meet someone. I don’t get social anxiety at all. I do things alone a lot of the time and I make friends everywhere. There could be a room filled with 100 people I don’t know and I do not get anxious about it. I also have no filter, I can talk a stranger’s ear off about myself and my life, my frustrations, my complaints, and don’t really care what people think about me. I complain a lot, and am usually dead serious when I complain about stupid shit but people find it comedic. It attracts them to me. Which is silly to me because I always assume I come off annoying when I do this. I just know I am always confident enough around people. I have a social personality, although I’m very antisocial sometimes too. That’s the libra in me.
This all sounds like good qualities to have. But with the good of course always comes the bad. I have accidentally lead many people on. Even friendships. It’s usually people who normally aren’t as out there as I am who sometimes get social anxiety. Since I am so open and friendly they think it means we are super close or that I am invested in them.
When this occurs, I end up feeling a lot of pressure. I feel like the person is nice and I don’t want to be mean and turn them down so I continue to be friendly. I even force myself into situations and things I don’t care about or want to do because I end up feeling like I don’t want to let the person down. But with this personality I have, you become the asshole when you have to let the person down.
I am a kind person so when a person likes me, as a friend, or more, and I see the excitement they feel, I don’t have it in me to let them down. And then I try and make it work despite all the pressure I am feeling. Be the best friend, try dating, etc. And in the process I then realize I can’t force it, or I can’t commit to things, and when I have to let them down a lot of times I become the asshole. And part of me realizes it too because I let the pressure get to me and am not realizing the part where I totally lead the person on, be it romantically or emotionally.
The beauty about friendships at least is that they are different from relationships. However, I have dealt with some clingy psychopaths over the years. I was about to write detailed stories with examples of what I am talking about. But I am sure this blog will fall into at least one of their hands, so I don’t want to go there and embarrass or hurt anyone...
But I get it. Because leading someone on isn’t nice. And it did take me years to learn that. Even though I don’t do it intentionally. But now I am totally different and slowly changing. I am honest from the get. When I meet someone I am still an open book and have no filter, but I also tell them about all of this. And if they’re still interested and could go with my flow great, if they can’t oh well.
Going back to the dating world...A lot of men are lonely and desperate as I mentioned earlier. And even if I do warn them, they don’t seem to understand. I eventually let them know the truth. That I am sorry but I am not feeling them and that I am finished. And then I ghost them. It might sound cruel but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do if I was honest from the get about taking things slow and not wanting to rush.
But I made a mistake...“I’m not that innocent”....There was a boy I met back in June 2019. June I was still a mess and totally not really ready to date but wanted to still go out there and have fun and meet guys just to take it slow and see where it could go. I met this one guy on plenty of fish who was nice, although something seemed off a little bit.
He was cute but he wasn’t well put together. I just felt more established and independent than him and I felt like we had next to nothing in common. But he was really attracted to me. And kept pushing a relationship or talking about one. Even though we hadn’t even met in person yet. I told him from the start exactly how I was and it didn’t stop him.
He would ask to FaceTime almost every night when I had to wakeup for work at 5am and he got off work at 10pm. He would text me 100 times a day. I was a little creeped out to be honest. Especially since I made everything clear. But the issue was at first I did find him cute, and despite being honest, my open book personality I am sure is what lead him on. It didn’t help that we discussed going to pride together the first time we were set to meet and he was super excited about it. But he assumed he was going to stay at my house and I felt like I only knew him for like two weeks and he was just saying and doing too much....
I felt so much pressure. I suffer from anxiety badly and pressure triggers it. He also seemed to not be over his ex, which is fine because I was not over mine either. But it also was something I would not put up with because I had already gone through things like that before and I promised myself I would never go through that again. That was a major red flag for me.
I had to explain to him I was done and I explained why and blocked him. But that did not stop him. He changed his number and texted me a long message. I had to block that number. He messaged me on the dating app we met on and I had to block him there. A few months later he made a new profile and swiped “right” on me and I got a notification, even though in his rant he told me to “never bother hitting” him “up again”. He then tried to follow me on Instagram. I was thinking “what the fuck is wrong with this person?!”
Months went by and I completely forgot about him. In the process I met and fell for “roses” guy. The guy I spoke about a few posts ago. And I was vulnerable and sad about that situation. In December this dude back from June, made another profile on the dating website we met on, and sent me a long message. He came back ugh.
I was so lost and upset about the roses guy, that I forgot about most things. I was thinking irrationally. And normally I would’ve deleted the message without even reading it but something made me want to open it.
His message seemed very heart felt. He owned up to how he acted. For being pushy and wanting to FaceTime all the time etc. He owned up to not respecting my wishes and all that I had explained to him about myself. But oops! I made a mistake with my response...
I told him it wasn’t his fault and that it was my fault and I was sorry. I felt like it was cruel ghosting him like that. And I felt bad. I still kept it real with him though and told him I had been through too much and that’s why I ghosted him and that I was not ready to date. I came to learn though that this was his manipulative game. I gave him the answer he wanted to hear, he wasn’t actually sorry. He wanted to know the blame was not on him so he tried really hard to lure me back in.
He told me we could have a whole future together, he said all these things again. And I just kept it real with him yet again in response. And was nothing but honest and he then said he’s changed and he’s gonna respect that.
It took me a while but I thought about it, maybe because I was feeling very jolly in December and Christmas was coming up. I felt like it was nice he wanted to try and get to know each other again and perhaps maybe he would change and it would be better and different this time. So, I decided to unblock his number and chat with him again.
Me being the open book that I am, I explained every single thing I went through this year. I gave him every detail. But in hopes he would understand why I ghosted him in the first place and why I don’t rush into things. I felt bad I didn’t get personal and explain it before, but i did let him know I couldn’t promise anything and I wasn’t sure what would happen between us....However he got comfortable for the simple fact that I let him back in....And I was repeating the same pattern of trying to force it even though I wasn’t feeling it, yet again...
He tried to be pushy again with the FaceTiming but I wasn’t having it or giving in. I told him “on weekends only”, and “when I have time for it”. He was very nervous about saying the wrong things to me and about the possibility of me ghosting him again. I kept telling him to relax and to go with the flow. He tried not to say the wrong things, which made me feel nothing but more pressure to be honest, but he just could not help himself...He was trying to not put pressure on me but kept bringing it up, so he therefore was putting pressure on me.
I got a new iPhone and during the process some of his iMessages didn’t go through and he showed concern that I blocked him again. That made me feel pressure. Then, one time he saw me appear on POF and other dating apps and he made sure to bring it up to me, even though we weren’t together. And I told him this: “You saw me on those dating apps because you were on them too right?” And he was like “yeah” and I said “we are taking this slow and going with the flow as we discussed many times, right?” And he tried to play it off and laughed at what I was saying. Tried to claim he was just messing around with me....I should’ve ended it there but nope! The guilt of doing it again to him was eating me alive so I kept forcing myself to try.
He also would text me several times even if I didn’t respond. One morning I had told him the night before I was out with friends and he says “oh but you couldn’t text me back and say you were okay” where he then claimed he was just joking...Right....
He still was pushy with the FaceTiming. And I was remembering more and more the reason why I ghosted him in the first place. I was not feeling the connection and he still was being pushy. Talking about going to Pride in June 2020 since we didn’t go last year, but then saying things like “I know, I know, we aren’t jumping the gun here. We’re moving slow”...But still made me feel this immense amount of pressure.
He also felt like I was worried that he didn’t like me enough or that I was concerned with things like him having a hard time to take off from work to see me. He kept trying to reassure me. These were two things I honestly absolutely did not care about. I am not sure why he felt the need to worry about this but I think he wanted me to have those feelings. I had to be honest about that as well.
On top of everything, I also felt like he did not have real goals or future. He didn’t seem to care to discuss things like that, just only cared about a possible relationship...
The last time I FaceTimed with him I asked him “where do you see yourself five years from now?” He said “married, owning a house, maybe have kids”. I don’t want to sound cruel but his current job and living situation realistically would not get him there within 5 years, especially if he doesn’t have goals to make changes. And I asked him if he had goals to someday get there, and he basically didn’t, or have anything realistic in mind....I constantly kept it real with him and reminded him of my stance on things. I even told him to not chase people who aren’t interested in him. I tried to enlighten him and teach him to respect himself and not deal with fuck boys who don’t know what they want...I told him to focus on himself and his goals and bettering himself before anything else, but it just wasn’t registering and he still tried too much....
I knew I was done. Again...I just felt really bad because he really really liked me. And I remember when I was the desperate lonely person and my ex or whoever would throw it in my face how much I liked them when I first met them when we’d sometimes argue, because of how crazy I would get. But this was beyond desperate, it was a bit creepy. And I was mad at myself for forgetting this about him. This was some “you” shit....Maybe I’m just being dramatic. I think he just was nice and overly needy, but I would lie if I said writing this story out doesn’t make me a little creeped out....Despite that it’s my fault because I gave him a second chance and totally lead him on. Ugh!
So I had to do it again...I had to ghost him. I couldn’t lead him on anymore and I messed up for ever giving him another chance in the first place. But I kept it as real as it could get when I ended it.
I told him I was sorry to do it again to him but wasn’t feeling him. I told him the truth. That he was moving too fast and needed to learn to be single. I told him being single is a good thing because it gives you time to focus on nothing but yourself. I let him know that he should have better goals for himself. And I left it at asking him to please not change his number and hit me up again and to please ignore me if he sees me on any other dating app moving forward. I told him he “has to do this” and I warned I would take legal action if he didn’t respect my wishes since he’s taken it way too far the past six months.
I felt really bad but I could not go into 2020 making the same mistakes. And my advice to you guys if you are lonely and sad and feel like you will be alone forever just because you’re single....You will not be alone forever. Believe me you won’t. I am not sure if everlasting love exists. I also am battling with the possibility of it not existing. I also get lonely, I also am heartbroken a lot of the time. But people need to learn to make themselves their main priority, not a relationship.
Love yourself above anyone else. The only person who you can rely on is you. And if you keep searching and searching and try and force something to happen that lacks chemistry, then you are just desperate. It is not worth it. As Madonna sang on Madame X “I don’t search I find” and when she stopped searching, she finally found enough love....
As for me, moving forward I am cutting someone off the second they do too much and don’t respect my wishes. I can’t constantly become the bad guy in stories when I do what’s right for me. Because sometimes the guilt eats me up alive. I’m just going to continue being honest and do it my way, and when this reoccurs I will not let the guilt get to me anymore and drag it out.
More importantly I am working on this issue where I feel the need to be a people pleaser. My goal this year in finding healing and growth is to learn to say “no” more often. I will not allow myself to force myself into things or try and make things work just because I am worried about other people’s feelings over mine. More importantly I am going to remind myself that I can’t even play victim in these situations because I am leading people on. The last guy was a bit crazy but this point I could only blame myself. I really am “not that innocent”....But I am learning.
Song to go with post:
Oops!...I Did It Again Live from Dream Within A Dream Tour:
A year ago today a lot of us were facing both concern and disappointment. Britney Spears back in October of 2018, shortly after she wrapped up her Piece of Me tour, announced on the Ellen show that she was starting a new residency in Vegas called “Domination”. Many fans, including myself, were really excited and snatched tickets the second the dates went on sale. My crazy ass literally bought tickets for her first three shows, one of them would’ve been VIP.
I was really excited for this trip because over the years I have made many friends in the Britney army whether in Vegas or on social media who love Britney as much as I do. And majority of us planned to go to her first shows and were going to meet for the first time. We had planned so much together. From special outfits and other activities we were going to participate in together in Vegas. We were going to go to Fremont and do zip lining, I also had tickets to see the Backstreet boys for the first time and was really excited about that...It was going to be an epic trip...
However...Something did not feel right from the start and I’d be a moron not to admit that. Britney had just wrapped up her “Piece of Me” tour, which was also the show she did in Vegas for four years. The woman seemed exhausted and she barley had a break over the years. The announcement was so over hyped. They closed the entire strip of Las Vegas, and had an entire parade for her. We waited for over 30 minutes for her to show up on a podium just to wave, walk down basically a long cat walk, and walk straight into a car and her driver drove off....
Now if you’re a crazy Britney fan like me, although this sounds extremely tired and underwhelming, this is what I love about her. No fucks given and she just smiles, nods, and drives off into the night, hardly acknowledging anyone. Of course when she tried to sign an autograph for one fan, one of her security guards snatched her away real quick and would not let her sign for the fan.
I loved that she didn’t care, I mean after all what does she have left to prove, right? She’s an icon at this point. But it still did not feel right. Despite all of that, she started posting some rehearsal videos on Instagram. A lot of them got mixed reviews from fans, in my opinion she looked amazing, she was stepping it up a notch with the choreography, and I was really excited to see what this show was going to be all about. Even though so far the set list that we knew of were songs that were already in piece of me.
We literally did not know what to expect, except for the fact that a lot of us were hoping she’d bring back “overprotected” and perform “My prerogative” for the first time ever. I mean how appropriate would’ve it been considering she had just come out with a unisex perfume called “prerogative” at the time? And most of us found out she was indeed going to perform those songs and it was so disappointing that we didn’t get to ever see it.
But what came from this was more than disappointment, it was concern. Out of the blue on January 4th 2019, she made a post on social media and she mentioned that her father got sick and almost died and that she had to take time to take care of him. She canceled the entire residency....
Nobody wants to question the authenticity of something like this, how could you? But then out of nowhere she disappeared off social media and wasn’t seen anywhere in public. It’s as if she disappeared for a few months and at this point we were living in limbo as to what was going on with her and if she was okay...
A few months later, come April, Britney out of nowhere made a post about taking space and focusing on self care. Which had a lot of fans wondering what was going on but still had everyone excited to finally hear from her. Turned out, TMZ was releasing information to the public that she had been in a mental health facility getting help.
Nobody ever knew the real story behind this. But the podcast “Britney’s gram” basically got a tip from a paralegal who had inside scoop as to what really was possibly going on. It seemed Britney had been held in a facility against her will for months, and so much more. It seemed the story about her father being ill was fabricated so that they could cover up what was really happening.
All in all so many things started making sense. It was a dark time for the Britney army. From what we were learning is that she was forced into a lot of things, such as the tour she did over that summer, meet and greets, and starting the new domination residency. She seemed to be this puppet who was a money making machine for her father and anyone else who was in control of her....
This all goes back to 2007 when Britney had a breakdown which almost tarnished her career. She got the help she needed but right away, back in 2008, she had released a new album called “circus” and a tour and was already diving back into work without taking a much needed break to really recover. We all know she hasn’t been exactly the same since before 2007, but us fans love her so much that it didn’t matter to us. As long as she was alive and well, and of course still making music and performing for us....
Deep down over the years something never felt right to me but I was too scared to admit it. I felt someone was forcing her into all of this and that she wasn’t happy. I don’t know for sure obviously, this is just speculation, and the sad thing is speculating about this nowadays can get you in trouble. But using my free speech right as a fan I can express the concern I was feeling at the time without being punished for it....
After the breakdown she was put into a conservatorship. I am not going to deny that at the time it was appropriate. She was spiraling out of control and had her kids taken away. What didn’t make sense, and will never make sense to me, is that the conservatorship still exists almost 13 years later now...How on earth does someone who works nonstop, can get out of bed, feed themselves, and take care of themselves need to be in a conservatorship? Someone who works the job that she does? Makes no sense!
None of it made sense to me. And when these things were coming out to the public it made the fans outraged and the Britney army became a fighting force trying really hard to fight for her to get out of it. It was a dark time for me as well in my life, and I couldn’t believe this was happening to Britney at the same time...
The “FREE BRITNEY” movement became so popular it was all over the headlines. There were so many different stories coming out, I have to admit it was hard to keep track. But some things were painfully obvious. I won’t get into what was because I don’t want to get in trouble for stating an opinion. It was all painfully hard to watch...
I believe the outrage that came from fans, the protests, it shined a light on her situation and other people who go through conservatorship abuse. Apparently it’s very common and hardly spoken about. I strongly suggest people do research on this, it’s a terrible thing. The person literally loses majority of their rights, cannot make decisions for themselves, and in cases where its abused its like being a prisoner.
For a lot of us, we stopped caring about Britney the performer, but started caring about Britney the person. No human being should have to endure what she has over these years. Recently I watched the movie “Judy” about the story of Judy Garland’s last days. If you take a look at her life, it was awful. She was forced to starve herself when she was a kid and take all kinds of pills. Diet pills, pills to stay awake, and she had no control over her own money. Her kids were taken away from her and she had to keep performing just to try and earn a living despite all the money she had made and had no access to. She was used and abused, and it made me think so much about Britney and what she possibly could have been through her entire life and what she is going through now.
It doesn’t help that some fans/people were being hateful. Some were pulling through for her but once she started posting on social media again they stopped caring. Some got bored and just wanted new music from her. Some were saying cruel things about her appearance. Which clearly was upsetting her, as she had made several posts about mean comments on her Instagram and how it was hurting her feelings. The one thing social media has blessed us with, is seeing the ugly in people. People can be so cruel behind a phone or computer screen but I am sure in person they wouldn’t have the guts....
This “free Britney” movement has seemed to die down a little bit. I think because a lot of us are just waiting for her court dates to come. She is not allowed to see her children, she’s given more money to Kevin Federline, there’s so much going on, it’s hard to keep up. She also posts a lot more on Instagram which I think has distracted folks.
I don’t think it’s anyone’s job to fight for her if they don’t care anymore or don’t want to, and that’s fair. A lot of us are battling our own every day battles and I get that. I also toned it down and was going hard for her for the longest. But I still am rooting for her. I still am hoping she will get her freedom. I am even participating in a “free Britney” rally in New York City when she has her court date on 1/22/2020. It’s happening in Union Square if anyone is interested.
As much as I hope Britney the performer comes back, has a new tour or residency, makes new music, I pray Britney the person is okay first and foremost. She might just be a pop star to some, but for me she has helped saved my life in many ways. It’s why I care tremendously about her.
I pray that only good things happen from here on out. Since January 4th 2019 it’s been a rollercoaster for us Britney fans, and Britney herself. She seems stable and steady now and I just pray from here on out it only continues to get better. Most of all, I pray she will eventually be able to speak her truth, and tell her story herself some day. Maybe most of us have been wrong this entire time, maybe there’s more to it than we know, I just pray someday, we will know the truth, her truth!
Song to go with post:
Took me to heaven and let me fall down
Now that it's over I'm gonna carry on
Lifted me up and watched me stumble
After the heartache I'm gonna carry on
Living for love
I'm living for love
I'm not giving up
I'm gonna carry on
Living for love
I'm living for love
Not gonna stop
Love's gonna lift me up
-Madonna: Living for Love
It seems I created this blog to reflect on everything I’ve been through this past year. And man was it a hell of a lot...I really had the hardest year of my life. Going through a breakup, loss of friends, betrayals, and making some of the biggest mistakes of my life to cope with it all. It all happened consecutively back to back throughout the year and felt like a never ending rollercoaster. My anxiety and depression were at an all time high and was the worst it’s ever been. And I’m finally on this journey of self reflection and doing better for myself. It’s been over a year long journey but going through it by myself during the hardest times of it all was the worst. I did not know what to do, I felt so lost....But I am thankful for those who did come through for me, who have gone above and beyond for me this year, and who continue to do so. I am not sure I would be here right now if it weren’t for these amazing friends and family that I have in my life....
I started the year off by spending New Year’s Eve on my couch alone while my ex was sleeping in our bedroom. I had a bottle of champagne I finished by myself and drank Jameson while crying like a pathetic baby. It made me think I was starting the year off in the worst way possible but there wasn’t anyone I wanted to spend the holiday with and I did not know where to turn.
Shortly after on January 4th, the world got the worst news ever. Britney Spears was canceling her new Las Vegas residency where I had a whole trip planned with fellow Britney fans, some of which I was going to meet for the first time, others I had already met.
It was so crushing because while going through my breakup, from the very start of it, I had to watch supposed best friends of mine hangout with my ex every other weekend, unintentionally (I must say) helping him go on his own journey to move on where he was running and doing marathons bettering himself with them. They didn’t think that maybe they should have held off on that for a while and they were hardly reaching out to me or showing minimal support throughout those first few months, so I felt I needed this trip and experience more than anything.
I needed to be with my new friends and see my favorite princess of pop to lift my spirits and get me out of the funk. But even that opportunity had to be taken from me, and I knew it just was not going to be my year. On top of it Britney was all over the headlines for months because she seemed to be dealing with another break down with everything she was going through. I swear it seems throughout my entire life of being a life long fan, every time she was going through something seemed to occur during the same exact time I was going through something. And it’s part of why I love her so much, especially since she’s such an inspiration because she always keeps her head up and comes out of it stronger and better than ever. And that’s what I was and am hoping for myself.
By the end of January leading into February I still had a solo trip planned to go to Vegas. It was to see Lady GaGa and travel to the Grand Canyon. I saw two of her Enigma shows and saw her Jazz show on my last night. Honestly I am beyond thankful that I still at least had this trip.
Although for me, Vegas does not feel like Vegas without Britney there, I still ended up having the best time ever and the best trip of my life. And I was worried that it wouldn’t end up that way. I made lots of friends a long the way during my trip. Hooked up with two guys that went awfully but were funny stories to share, I even went clubbing by myself and had the best time. Went to Brunch on the top of the stratosphere and even went on rides on top of the hotel. Went to Fremont and drank Jameson out of a ginormous replica of the Christmas Story leg. Standing on the edge of a cliff at the Grand Canyon was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done but it was also very exhilarating and made me feel strong and like I could do anything. GaGa’s beautiful words of encouragement about finding kindness within yourself and for your enemies truly helped save my soul, and I hope one day I will be lucky enough to meet her so I can thank her. I needed that more than ever at that time. So in a way something finally went right in my life....
Before I left for the trip I was still missing my ex and felt like a mess. I longed for him and was hoping by some chance we would get back together even though it was obvious and I found enough evidence to see he was already having fun and moving on with his life. I had left him this long letter hoping it would help bring us back to talking about trying again. But on the solo trip I realized that was a huge mistake and that it needed to end.
No matter how hard it was to admit and to deal with, I realized he had to leave the apartment and my life so I could finally try to move on in the ways he was doing so easily. Or what seemed to be so easily. I also realized I was too angry about him hanging out with my friends, it’s felt like a knife in the back from all of them. I felt at the time it was appropriate for them to just step back from that for my sake, despite anything, and that my friends who I had known since high school who I’ve gone above and beyond for over the years and been very supportive to, especially during relationship issues, loses, etc. should have taken space from him to be there for me.
I’m not saying end the friendship with him completely, in some ways it wasn’t even possible and I understood that. I just was shown minimal support and it was bad timing on their end and should’ve been thought about....And I would be lying if I said they didn’t eventually try but at the point that they did it was months into the breakup and I was at my lowest and it just was too late for me.
The trip made me realize I needed to remove all the toxic people out of my life and I needed to learn to be selfish and put myself first. So when I came back that’s exactly what I did. I told my ex I should not have left the letter and that it was time he started working on moving out. And I chose to end friendships even though it was not easy. I do have to admit that months after he moved out I still was holding on a little bit and was letting him in, it wasn’t till I learned some hurtful things that occurred while we were together (to add to the list and since the truth ALWAYS comes out) that I finally let him go entirely, and it definitely was very hard to finally let go. Sometimes I still miss him and wonder about a lot but I know I had to do what was right for me.
I realize I cannot play one hundred percent victim here. With my ex I definitely had my faults and made mistakes and they were bad, some were downright cruel. I didn’t realize how much resentment I had deep down for all the things he had put me through over the years from the very beginning till the end. I put it all in a box and buried it because despite anything I wanted to be with him and just deal with it all so that we could make it work. But doing that only made me push him away because I ended up not being so kind a lot of the time and wanting space because of how hurt I was from things that had happened and were happening. It’s not right no matter what he was putting me through and I need to admit that. And because of this, for a while I did blame myself for the downfall of our relationship. I felt like I was crazy and mean and that that was why I pushed him away and why he left me. It took a lot for me to eventually validate my feelings over the years and I no longer blame myself, but I do still take responsibility for where I was to blame....
And with my friends I can’t play victim all the way either. I was with my ex 7 years and of course he was going to make friends with my friends. I totally get that. I’ve also been in the situation before where I was friends with peoples exes or made friends through other friends. It would be hypocritical not to admit that. And for a while I realized I was being a little bit ridiculous about being so angry about their friendship with him. And I did get to a point where I realized I was wrong for that BUT even with this I had to also learn to validate my feelings. I still expected so much more from them when this occurred. I still felt like I was not getting any support when I have done so much for them over the years and that they were spending more time with him.
I also can’t play victim all the way with them because I chose to end the friendships without explanation. I did not sit down and talk with these people and tell them how I felt. But in reality how could I? I was busy trying to fix myself and heal from the pain of losing the person I loved the most, also didnt help to see your supposed best friends in constant pictures on social media with someone you love and miss the most. With someone who hurt you. The people who should be there lifting you up and supporting you.
I am not sorry that I handled it the way that I did. But I do take responsibility for how I handled it. I just ghosted them. But it didn’t help that they didn’t realize how much it hurt and that I ended up being the bad guy in their side of the story for reacting the way that I did. I have no regrets.
There are two reasons why I didn’t have a talk with them. My whole life whether it be from my ex or family members, whenever I felt a certain way about something I have been told I was crazy. I was made to feel that my feelings were not validated and that I was either making things up or interpreting things wrong. And that is part of why I didn’t bother because I knew that was the reaction I was going to get.
But I also felt like I’ve had discussions about what should happen if this were to happen, I felt like I’ve done too much for them, and I couldn’t be bothered anymore to fix it. Also how can you possibly fix a friendship when you’re dealing with a breakup and at your lowest and trying to heal and fix yourself? This was more than a breakup, we were adults living together and were together 7 years and built a whole life together, it was more like a divorce. It is not the time to fix friendships. But some people are too selfish to understand that...
While dealing with the pain of all these things I still was trying to be the typical friend that I always was to the others that were still in my life. I was the type who has always done too much for people. I’m like a therapist for some or financially I throw money away on people trying to help them out and participate in things giving my all 100 percent. Even if I’m dealing with something personally, I usually put it to the side, bury it in a box, and do the most to help people out. I’ve done this for years and years. But the more time that was going by this year the more I realized I couldn’t give my all anymore, no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t.
It didn’t help that I was making terrible choices to cope with this breakup. I sunk myself into a shit ton of credit card debt. I just would spend money on things to try and fill the void of what was missing. Buying shit at least gave me temporary happiness and fulfillment. But when it came to the time for him to leave I did not have a dime saved. I also didn’t expect the breakup to happen when I was in debt at first and had no issue paying it off till I realized I had to live on my own. And taking on the bills alone was a complete hardship. Being single, living alone in NYC is not cheap, especially when you don’t make good money. So I now was taking on the stress and anxiety of taking on all these bills by myself and trying to pay off debts. It was literally another thing I had to go through while going through everything else.
I was committed to something for a friend where I did my best to make it work. I considered this person a best friend and I agreed to participate because I wanted to be there for them. And this person absolutely knew everything and every detail of my financial situation and of all the things that were going on in my life. I spent most of the first half of the year with this person over anyone else. And as the commitment came close and there was a mishap with something we planned to do that would cause us to spend more money at the last minute, I realized I had to pull out of one event that was apart of the commitment due to financial issues that were out of my control while I was going to shell out money for all the other things we had planned to do. And when this happened this person threw a tantrum like a spoiled brat who didn’t get their way and I was treated like a piece of shit. It was literally unbelievable.
The person stooped so low to throw things in my face and try to embarrass me about my situation. The person tried to make me out to be fake and as if I wasn’t doing my best and didn’t want anything to do with what I committed to. Which really hurt because I truly was excited to be apart of it and it was the best distraction to have to keep me busy during the lowest time of my life. This person stooped so low to talk shit about me on social media and make me out to be this person I was not. While knowing every single thing I was going through. This was more hurtful than anything. And after everything we spoke it out but I received a half ass apology where the person was still mostly defensive. So, I decided for my mental health I did not deserve to be treated like that after everything I had already been through, and I decided to cut the person off and pulled out of the commitment all together...
Again maybe another situation where I can’t play victim entirely but the person couldn’t just let it go there. This person has been all about revenge since they were a child and hasn’t grown up one bit since. So months later they continued to try and hurt me by even taking a picture with my ex at an event they were at with others I no longer talk to and posting it, knowing it would get back to me. This person at first was the only one I vented to the most about everything. They agreed with me, listened to everything. Wasn’t even really friends with my ex either like that....This was done on spite and honestly I find it very evil. But hey, another lesson learned....
That was hurtful to me on so many levels from all of them. It was done on purpose just to hurt me. It’s sick because I feel like I am in high school with all of this bull shit where there are 29-30 something year olds involved. I never imagined this would be my life at this point, but here I am living it. How someone can do this I don’t know, but some people don’t ever grow up. As Cher once sang, “don’t you sometimes wish your heart was made of stone?” I wish mine was because I honestly wish I never cared about any of this childish bull shit as much as I did. It sounds like a high school drama on TV.
See, some people don’t realize how much their actions can truly hurt someone. To the point where the person is contemplating suicide. But you have to be a special kind of narcissist to be able to do these things and play victim while doing it. And I did realize that throughout my entire life I tend to attract narcissists, be it as friends or romantically. And that also is where it’s partly my fault because of the bad choices I have continued to make and situations I put myself in. Someway, somehow I got through all of this and continued to try to keep pushing.
I will say there are always two sides to every story. Although some things I’ve heard that have come from the other side when defending themselves was absolutely not true. I am not calling them liars though because maybe they actually believe/think certain conversations were had or certain things happened that in my gut I know absolutely did not.....But everyone interprets things differently sometimes....I also admit maybe I interpreted some things wrong....My brain literally was not functioning 100 percent during all of this.
I need to make it clear I am not putting this all out there to play victim or seek revenge or get attention. Writing this all out has only helped me heal and feel better each day. I did realize while going through all of this that I handled it all completely wrong. I handled it like a child.
I would put sad music on and drink at home till I would black out and get sick. I was literally trying to drink myself to death. Sometimes I would cry, scream, break things. And then I’d be blackout drunk and post subliminal posts and messages on social media. I think it was my way of releasing everything I was holding in. It was my way of telling the ones who hurt me I was hurting without directly doing it. And that was definitely wrong and childish. And I already know in their stories I am the wrong one. These people don’t acknowledge me when they see me even though I have acknowledged them. I do not know how to play that game....But so be it.
They are mad because I cut them off and even chose to not go to important events they were having. I just felt like when I was not getting support or was getting shitted on, I couldn’t be there for them anymore. I’m not sorry about it. Again, no regrets. But one day I am open to making peace and just moving on. If they are open to that great, if not that is fine with me as well. I cannot hold on to anger, sadness, and heartbreak for the rest of my life. And I can’t let all these things I’ve been through bring me down for the rest of my life. I am still hurting, healing, angry, and sad but little by little I am improving. And that is part of why I started this blog. I did it for myself to continue to help myself heal and move on. This is all a self reflection and I can’t make it anymore clear that I’m not trying to play victim or hurt anyone.
Then there are the friends who have had crisis after crisis over the years and I would play therapist or hold their hand through all of it. Some of them weren’t there for me as much as I would be for them, and some I expected more from, some I didn’t expect anything from. I knew they had their own issues, issues too severe, and that they couldn’t possibly be supportive to me.
Unfortunately I had to distance myself or cut a lot of these people off as well. I just couldn’t mentally do it anymore. I couldn’t be a constant shoulder to cry on, a savior, be Jesus Christ, or be supportive any longer. Some of them I do feel horrible about, it was unintentional and I am sure they are angry with me, but while going through all of this, how could I possibly put it all to the side and be all ears and lend my support? Not when I was a hot mess trying to fix and better myself...
There was a time this year where I seriously almost considered going to a mental health facility because of how mentally damaged I was. I also was considering rehab. It is something that maybe I should have done because maybe I would have made less mistakes. I wanted to end my life. I was in therapy this year and it did not work or go well for me. It really is a shame that most health insurances don’t cover sufficient mental health care. My therapist was a young lady who seemed like she was a student. She was always nervous and even would cry when I would go through every detail of what I was going through. It was not very helpful for me and was too costly considering I had to take on so many bills on my own. Eventually she actually “broke up” with me because I think she could tell it wasn’t going anywhere....I am thankful that someway, some how I was able to find strength and get myself through this on my own. It was not easy doing it by myself.
Despite some of the horrible things I’ve been through and experienced this year, there still were plenty of amazing moments. I am thankful for the friends and family I do have. I feel like they’ve truly seen what I was going through and have gone above and beyond for me in ways nobody else ever has.
I am thankful to my friends Zenek and Nancy. We reconnected over the summer and as I shared with them everything I was going through I could literally feel their genuine sympathy and empathy. It almost felt like they were feeling my pain for me as I told them everything that was going on. And they have gone above and beyond to make me feel special and to show me I should be treated in the ways I’ve treated my friends over the years.
I am also thankful to my amazing friends Amanda and Stella for always being beyond generous to me and lending me their shoulders to cry on. It also helps that we share an obsession with Britney Spears and can obsess over her together. They have gone above and beyond for me in so many ways this year and I am so grateful.
I also am grateful for my coworkers Taisha and Alicia. I spent the entire year venting to Taisha during my lunch breaks and she was so supportive and kind to me. Alicia has also guided me into making this website and has lifted me up with her positivity and outlook on life.
My birthday this year would’ve been the hardest ever because my ex and I shared the same birthday and it was going to be my first birthday alone. Thanks to my friends and family I had the best birthday ever.
The weekend before my 29th birthday Zenek and Nancy treated me to a weekend get away to Atlantic City and we had the best time ever. Going to the beach, listening to good music and just relaxing and enjoying ourselves. They also bought me a crown! I’ve never had anyone do so much for me for my birthday.
My mom got me a ticket to see Madonna. I went to the Madame X tour with my two coworkers and had an amazing seat and time. How many people are lucky enough to see their favorite queen on their birthday? Such a small intimate show and I got to hear her new album live. I also was lucky enough that back in June I won tickets to see her do an interview with iHeart Radio and I actually got to speak to her and go up to her. That is a moment I will live with for the rest of my life.
During my birthday week my best friend Amanda came to visit from Kansas for the second time. First time was back in June and it was her first time coming to New York, we did cute touristy things and saw Ariana Grande in concert. This time when she came for my birthday we had dinner with my parents and went out on the town and just had a fun weekend filled with slumber parties and Britney music videos, we also had an amazing time with Stella when she joined us on our adventures. It truly was a birthday for the books and I am thankful for all of it other wise I would’ve been down and miserable.
In 2019 I went to a lot of concerts and shows. I saw Lady GaGa 3 times while I was in Vegas. I saw comedian Andy Borowitz at BAM in Brooklyn with my cousin and our friends. I then took myself to see the Cher show on broadway which got me totally into Cher. I saw Ariana Grande’s sweetener tour with Amanda, we also saw the Lion King on broadway which is one of my favorite broadway shows. I saw my favorite band Blondie in concert in Forest Hills over the summer and that was a lot of fun. I then went to Madonna’s Madame X tour twice, once on my birthday and then her final show in October in Brooklyn. I ended the year by seeing iconic legend Cher.
I would have seen Britney if her residency didn’t get canceled (FREE BRITNEY! By the way!) The concerts took me out of my element and lifted my spirits. Music really has saved my life over and over again since I was a child and it still does to this day. I love the stereotypical queens all the gays love, but for me it’s more than stereotypical. It’s personal. Their music has helped give me strength and has helped get me through the toughest times.
My first year living alone since April has been amazing too despite having severe financial issues and major depression. I love my apartment. I decided to decorate for Halloween and have a Halloween party and it was really fun. I also decided to go all out and decorate for Christmas and host a Christmas party. I think doing things like this helps the sadness and depression be a little bit at ease. The ambiance of the apartment is very comforting and relaxing.
I encourage anyone who is alone this year and feeling lonely to do the same. Lift yourself up, decorate your apartment, house, or bedroom. Don’t wallow in self pity and be miserable during the holiday season. You only need yourself at the end of the day.
I actually have done more Christmas events than ever this year. I went to our holiday party at work, I dressed up as rock star Santa and went to Santa con with coworkers, and I celebrated both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family. It definitely helped me feel a little joy and happiness compared to Christmas last year.
I am thankful for my parents for stepping it up and helping me out during this difficult time. Whether it was financially or emotionally. I was able to get things I really needed and I don’t know what I would have done other wise.
I also am thankful for my current job. I started there just as my breakup occurred. I was miserable at all my other jobs over the years. But with this job I feel very respected, I love my boss, my coworkers, and I love what I do. I am glad that at least went well in my life because the last few jobs did contribute to my depression and anxiety and I can’t imagine having gone through what I’ve been through while working anywhere else. Work helps me keep busy and it’s a plus that I’m surrounded by wonderful people and a great team!
All in all the year I had and the things I’ve been through sound awful but believe it or not I am very grateful for it all. Sure I’m still angry, sad, and healing but the experiences needed to happen so my life could go in the direction it finally needed to go. I couldn’t go on with my life in the way it was going. And although it hurt like hell, I needed to see people’s true colors to clear the negativity out of my life. I still wish them all well and hope they’re happy and healthy. I still am struggling in so many ways but I no longer drink myself half to death in the ways that I did or make the same mistakes I was making.
Although these things are still on my mind a lot, I no longer let it control my life. Healing is a process and writing this all out and sharing it has truly helped me. And I hope it helps others who have gone through the same or something similar. I am not quite sure how far this will go but sharing my stories and experiences have helped me heal a lot and even helped me see some things differently. To those of you who took the time to read all this I thank you and truly appreciate it.
Happy new year everyone! 2020 is the start of a new decade, it’s the year I turn 30, and I am feeling confident it finally will be different and better than the past year and a half I’ve had. I hope the same for everyone in my life!
Just some of the songs that have gotten me through the year:
Madonna Living for Love:
Madonna Extreme Occident:
Madonna Human Nature:
Madonna X-static Process:
Britney Spears Stronger:
Britney Spears Why Should I Be Sad?:
Britney Spears Everytime:
Britney Spears To Love Let Go:
Cher Heart Of Stone:
Cher Strong Enough:
A Great Big World And Christina Aguilera Say Something:
Christina Aguilera Hurt:
Beyonce Hold Up:
Lady GaGa Million Reasons:
Lady GaGa Ft. Bradley Cooper Shallow:
Lady GaGa Always Remember Us This Way:
Lady GaGa Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down):
Selena Gomez Lose You To Love Me:
Janet Jackson Well Traveled:
Janet Jackson Someone To Call My Lover:
Ariana Grande In My Head:
Ariana Grande Thank U, Next:
Ariana Grande No Tears Left To Cry:
Miley Cyrus Nothing Breaks Like a Heart:
Blondie Heart Of Glass:
Fleetwood Mac Landslide:
Gwen Stefani Used To Love You:
Edith Piaf No Regrets: